Wednesday, February 18, 2004        Edition: #2727
If You Can’t Dazzle Them with Brilliance, Baffle Them with Bull!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
First Jay-Z did it, and now P Diddy says he also plans to buy an NBA basketball franchise, saying there are 2 so-far unspecified teams he’s actively looking at (this could drain his estimated $250 million fortune in no time!) . . . George Clooney has secured rights for a bigscreen version of ‘80s TV show “The A-Team” – he’ll play team leader ‘Hannibal Smith’ himself and has reportedly asked bankrupt ex-boxing champ Mike Tyson to take on the role of ‘BA Baracus’, originally played by Mr T . . . Further proof Hollywood is totally out of ideas – FOX-TV is bringing back the vintage TV sitcom “Mr Ed”, with the voice of the horse (of course of course) to be provided by Sherman Hemsley (formerly of “The Jeffersons“) . . . Director Oliver Stone has to redo final scenes for his new movie epic “Alexander” after discovering the originals were shot on film that was damaged – by an airport scanner . . . Party time in the Hollywood Hills! Paris & Nicky Hilton have bought a plush bachelorette pad there and are currently in the process of moving in . . . Word has it Janet Jackson is planning to launch her own line of jewelry and lingerie – including nipple rings and leather bras – marketed under a brand name that contains some form of the word ‘exposed’ (when life gives you lemons …) . . . And here’s perhaps the wildest reality TV show yet – “The Super Baby Making Show” is coming soon to Singapore TV and yes, it’s just what it sounds like – couples will compete to be first to make a baby (cool, how about a radio contest?).

BS BUZZWORDS:
New terms leaking into the lingo –
• ‘Job Spill’ – Work or work-related tasks that carry over into personal time. (“Sorry I can’t go bowling tonight, I’ve got to clean up some job spill before tomorrow morning.”)
• ‘SPoD’ (for ‘Spinning Pizza of Death’) – The Apple equivalent of the Windows hourglass icon that indicates that the computer is working and working and working … while you’re waiting and waiting and waiting. (“I’ll have that data for you shortly. Right now I’m staring at the SPoD.”)
• ‘Retrosexual’ – The exact opposite of the recently much-talked-about ‘metrosexual’, this is a hetero male with an undeveloped aesthetic sense who spends as little time and money as possible on his appearance and lifestyle. (In other words, a regular guy.)

SCIENTISTS SAY:
A compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … that two-thirds of adults tilt their heads to the right when they kiss. We owe this valuable knowledge to a researcher in Germany. (In a related story, it is very easy to get a research grant in Germany.)
• Scientists say … that a happy marriage may be determined by a couple’s genes. A study found that identical brothers, who share the same genes, are much more likely to follow the same patterns of marriage and divorce than other siblings. This suggests the success of a marriage could be more a result of genetics than effort. (There you go – an excuse to get out of all the household chores you hate.)
• Scientists say that … men get dumber as they get older. Research presented to the American Association for the Advancement of Science shows that men lose large chunks of brain cells and several points of IQ between the ages of 18 and 50. (Wow that’s scary, considering the average 17-year-old guy is a complete moron.)
• Scientists say … sex with a younger woman may take more energy than some men have.  A study published in the “Heart Trouble Encyclopedia” shows the risk of heart attack is far greater for men during extra-marital affairs. (The risk is also far greater of being shot in the head by your wife.)

HAVING A SNORT:
A new vaporizer called the ‘Alcohol Without Liquid’ (‘AWOL’) allows users to inhale alcohol – literally. The gizmo enables drinks such as vodka and absinthe to be ‘snorted’ into the nose or inhaled into the mouth through a tube. Its inventor, Dominic Simler of London ENG, claims his gadget is calorie-free and reduces the effects of a hangover. The good news is, the booze works much quicker as alcohol is directly absorbed through blood vessels in the nose or lungs – thus bypassing any damage to the stomach and liver. The bad news is, some medical experts think there’s potential for brain damage. Either way you aren’t likely to get very drunk – it takes about an hour to inhale one shot of alcohol.
Source: PA News

NEW DIET PILL:
Health food suppliers are quickly picking up on a new fad, the South Africa hoodia gordonii cactus which is said to naturally suppress appetite, thereby reducing food intake by as much as 2,000 calories per day. The San bush people of South Africa have apparently used the stuff for thousands of years to stave off hunger pangs without any side effects. It must do something, because pharmaceutical giant Pfizer is now developing a pill based on the plant. Millennium Health Supplements Canada Inc, a company that supplies yummy things like shark cartilage and coral calcium powder to add to your diet, claims the plant has a welcome side effect – it’s also a bit of an aphrodisiac.
PHONER: 800.416.3147/905.623.9239 (Bowmanville ON)

FOR THE RECORD:
37-year-old Italian trucker Andrea Sarti and his 30-year-old girlfriend Anna Chen have set a new ‘world kissing record’ by smooching for 31 hours, 18 minutes and 33 seconds. During the stunt, the 3 couples in the challenge were not allowed to eat, drink or go to the bathroom. One couple gave up within an hour, the 2nd after about 9 hours. It seems setting the record took it’s toll – afterward Sarti had to be rushed to hospital and given oxygen.

THE BULL SHEET 02.18.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [73] Johnny Hart, Endicott NY, comic strip creator (“The Wizard of Id” and “BC” since 1958)

1933 [71] Yoko Ono, Tokyo JAP, bad artist/bad singer who married well/John Lennon’s widow

1954 [50] John Travolta, Englewood NJ, movie actor (“Basic”, “Swordfish”)   UP NEXT: He has 4 movies coming out this year, including the firefighting thriller “Ladder 49″ and a sequel to “Get Shorty” called “Be Cool”.

1957 [47] Vanna White (Rosich), North Myrtle Beach SC, TV mannequin (“Wheel of Fortune”)  who’s been a ‘letter turner’ since 1982

1964 [40] Matt Dillon, New Rochelle NY, film actor (“There’s Something About Mary”, “Wild Things”)

1965 [39] Dr Dre (Andre Young), Compton CA, rap/hip-hop artist/producer credited with discovering Eminem/sometime movie actor (“Training Day”, “Set It Off”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Open a Can of Beans Day” in celebration of “Canned Food Month”, when we’re encouraged to chow down on beans during at least one meal. (Tomorrow is ‘Evacuate the Studio Day!’)

TODAY is “Hey Diddle Diddle Day”, celebrating the ‘first cow in space’. Huh? Yup, it seems that 74 years ago TODAY (February 18, 1930), a cow by the name of ‘Ollie’ took an airplane ride as a publicity stunt for a Wisconsin dairy farm. It must have been a slow news day – the event got lots of attention.

FRIDAY and Saturday the 26th annual “Jalapeno Festival” heats up Laredo TX. The record for pepper popping is 141 jalapenos in 15 minutes, set back in 1979 (the winner set a record of a different kind the next morning). It’s known locally as the ‘Hottest Weekend of the Year’.
PHONER: 956.725.2636 (Laurie Moreno)/956.722.0589/956.726.6697 (Adriana Arce)
NET: http://www.jalapenofestival.com

THIS MONTH is “National Snack Food Month”. In a survey, 90% of respondents admit they are ‘snackers’. What’s the most unusual snack you’ve ever seen someone concoct?

THIS MONTH is “National Wedding Month”, when all those JUNE weddings get planned. A  recent poll finds that 82% of couples plan to use classic, traditional vows in  their ceremony. Only 4% will completely abandon custom and compose their own vows, while 13% will compromise using a combination of tradition and their own creativity. Ask married folks how they’d plan their wedding differently if they had it to do over again. (Like maybe cancel it?)

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1999 [05] George Clooney makes his final appearance as ‘Dr Doug Ross’ on “ER”, then moves on to making movies full-time

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1901 [103] 1st ‘Dust Removing Suction Cleaner’ (vacuum cleaner) patented (inventor Cecil Booth was excited to claim “My invention sucks!”)  FACTOID: There are more than 15,000 vacuum cleaner accidents in North America annually!

1930 [74] 9th planet ‘Pluto’ discovered by Flagstaff AZ astronomer Clyde Tombaugh, who names it for the Roman god of the underworld (he should have called it ‘Clyde’)

1956 [48] ‘Play-Doh’ is 1st manufactured (invented by Cincinnati’s Joe McVicker when he concocted modeling clay for his sister’s pre-school students using wallpaper paste)

1978 [26] 1st ‘triathlon’ (‘The Iron Man’-Kona HI)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Second Honeymoon Weekend
[Fri] Hoodie Hoo Day
[Sat] Card Reading Day
[Sun] Shrovetide / Carnival Week begins
This Week Is . . . Brotherhood-Sisterhood Week
This Month Is . . . Cat Health Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS ‘SFX THEATER’:
You tell the story line-by-line while a caller or studio guest provides the sound effects as best they can. Today’s story is called – “The Laundromat”
    Last night [co-host] went to the laundromat for the first time this year. First he backed up his dump truck by the front door [SFX]. The warning beeper was especially annoying [SFX]. Then he dumped out the 4,283 trash bags full of laundry [SFX]. Then he had to lift each heavy bag one-by-one and carry them in the front door [SFX]. Some of them were pretty fragrant [SFX]. Inside, the washing machines were sloshing [SFX] and the dryers were humming [SFX] and a radio set on [your station] was playing tunes [SFX]. With a big grunt [SFX] he stacked the last bag in front of a washer, then dug in his pocket for change … which spilled all over the floor [SFX]. A quarter rolled across the floor and under a machine [SFX]. Mumbling under his breath [SFX] [co-host] opened the lid of a washer [SFX] and jammed in his 72 pairs of jeans and one pair of undies [SFX]. Then he poured in a cup of laundry detergent [SFX] … liquid laundry detergent [SFX], and some fabric softener [SFX] and some bleach [SFX]. Just then, the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen walked in the door [SFX]. [Co-host] knew this was an important moment in his life because he heard the sound of violins in the background [SFX]. “Can you tell me how to get to the mall?” she asked. [Co-host] swallowed [SFX] and said hopefully, “I could show you, I was just going there to buy a new wardrobe.” So they went out the door [SFX], climbed into her bright red Ferrari Testarossa [SFX] which she fired up [SFX] and they sped off toward the mall [SFX]. Meantime, life at the laundromat went on as usual – the washing machines were sloshing [SFX], the dryers were humming [SFX], and the radio played the [your station] jingle [SFX].

BS ‘BEAT THE TOASTER’:
Your contestant gets 15 seconds to give as many answers as they can in each category. Time’s up when the toaster SFX go off.
• Name as many human body parts as you can that are only 3 letters long. [Eye, ear, leg, arm, jaw, gum, toe, lip, hip, rib, etc.]
• Name as many foods as you can that are red. [Apples, ketchup, peppers, radishes, cherries, strawberries, raspberries, etc.]
• Finally, in 15 seconds name things you hate about getting up early in the morning.

BS ‘EITHER/OR GAME’:
Are the following terms current and classic professional wrestling ‘finishing moves’, or sexual positions detailed in “The Ultimate Sex Guide”? Have your contestant decide while you list them off …
The Boston Crab [Wrestling]
The Standing Carry [Sex Position]
Spread Missionary [Sex Position]
The Meat Grinder [Wrestling]
The Bridge [Sex Position]
The Dudley Dog [Wrestling]
The Sharpshooter [Wrestling]
The Fame Asser [Wrestling]
The Couch Potato [Sex Position]
The Superkick [Wrestling]
The Walls of Jericho [Wrestling]
Float Your Boat [Sex Position]
The Wheelbarrow [Sex Position]
The Slop Drop [Wrestling]
The Backstairs Boogie [Sex Position]
The G-Spot Jammer [Sex Position]
The Inside Cradle [Wrestling]
Lyon’s Stagecoach [Sex Position]
The Reverse Cowgirl [Sex Position]
The Rump Shaker [Wrestling]

BS PHONE STARTER:
“What is absolutely the most stimulating aroma you can think of?” (Among those topping a new supermarket poll in the UK – fresh bread, bacon frying, coffee, clothes being ironed, freshly mowed grass, babies, the ocean, and Christmas trees. In another poll, men were asked which smell is most sensuous. Number one – fresh cinnamon buns, hot out of the oven. Yum!)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: In Canada, the average one measures 9 inches long. What is it?
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The average banana sold in supermarkets.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.