Monday, February 9, 2004 Edition: #2720
Sheet, Featuring Bull
TACKY TABLOID BS:
• “Us Weekly” reports that Donald Trump has succeeded in signing up Paris Hilton to host his “Miss USA Pageant” APRIL 12 on NBC-TV (“I can do it Mr Trump, really I can. Like all I gotta do is read the clue cards!”) . Meantime, “NY Post” reports that it’s all over between Paris and Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. The ‘serious relationship’ lasted a record 4 weeks but now she’s reportedly back to flying solo and making the rounds. (But not the videos.)
• “Examiner” says “Star Trek: TNG” actor Patrick Stewart has been dating up-and-coming actress Lisa Dillon since they played lovers in the London stage production “The Master Builder” LAST YEAR. He’s 63, she’s 24 – younger than his 2 children. (She’s obviously looking for a father figure … or maybe a great-grandfather figure.)
• According to “The Scoop”, J-Lo’s movie career seems to be taking a hit from all the bad press she’s gotten lately. Word is her role opposite Robert Redford in the upcoming drama “An Unfinished Life” is being ‘minimized’ so the movie doesn’t fall victim to all the fallout from “Gigli” and the breakup of ‘Bennifer’. (When was her last good movie? “Out of Sight”?)
• As “Friends” nears the end of its 10-year run, star Matthew Perry has suffered a relapse of alcohol and drug problems the “National Enquirer” claims. The tab says Matt admitted at an AA meeting that mega-money, fancy cars and beautiful girlfriends just aren’t enough to make him happy. (Hey bud, let me take all that weight from your shoulders and run with it.)
• TODAY 59-year-old Diana Ross is scheduled to plead guilty to charges in her Tucson AZ drunk-driving case ‘telephonically’, thereby avoiding showing up at the court hearing in person. “E! Online” reports she’s likely to face at least a day in jail.
• It’s common knowledge that Justin Timberlake co-wrote the Black Eyed Pea’s massive hit “Where Is The Love?” and performed on the recording, but UK’s “Sun” tabloid reports something we didn’t know – Justin used to date Peas lead singer Fergie (Stacey Ferguson). Although it’s been over for years, they’ve apparently never had a serious falling out. (You can tell because he’s never sung a revenge tune about her.)
• A so-called insider tells “W” magazine that Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher may not wed anytime soon but they ARE about to live together. Word is Kutcher will move his stuff into the contemporary 5-bedroom Beverly Hills home that Demi recently bought by this summer. They’re currently interviewing interior designers about decorating the joint. (Oh oh, here comes the first big fight.)
“WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “Found: Saddam’s Love Diaries!”
• “Ethnic Foods Make Gal Speak in Foreign Languages!”
• “Land Sharks: Great Whites Hunt on Shore!”
• “Seven Congressmen Are Zombies!”
• “Helmets for Everyone To Protect Them From Falling Meteorites!”
• “Slain Bigfoot’s Family Sues Montana Cops!”
• “Princess Anne’s Dog Plotted Di’s Death!”
THE SIMPLE BOOK:
Paris Hilton has signed with publisher Simon & Schuster to write “Tongue in Chic”, a book full of her musings. Her pearls of wisdom will reportedly include –
• She likes all kinds of guys, they just have to be hot.
• You should never drink Diet Coke. It’s for fat people.
• Only sleep on Egyptian cotton sheets with a 400 to 600 thread count.
• Always pack 3 times as much as you need, then don’t wear any of it and buy all new stuff.
• Don’t be too easy. Too easy and a guy knows he has you.
• She’d like to get married and have a boy named ‘London’ and a girl named ‘China’, but her modeling and acting “career” is stopping her from settling down.
Source: “Smoking Gun”
HIT AFTER HIT:
A group of Russian entrepreneurs is marketing an MP3 player on the Internet that can be attached to – an AK-47 assault rifle. The so-called ‘AK-MP3′ player is built into an ammunition clip and can be swapped out with a real magazine carrying bullets. It comes with enough storage space for 9,000 tunes. A spokesman for the company says the oddball device will contribute to world peace if terrorists use their Kalashnikovs to listen to music instead of creating havoc at 600 rounds-per-minute. The accessory costs circa $350.
Source: “Ananova”
BEDROOM DOs & DON’TS:
You gotta love Robyn Bentley, the self-titled ‘Feng Shui Diva’ (pronounced ‘fung schway’). She’s so obviously in it just for the money it’s kind of endearing. Here are her tips for feng shui in the bedroom to add some zip to your love life, just in time for Valentine’s Day …
LOVE & ROMANCE DOs:
1. Sleep in Your ‘Love Luck’ Direction – Find your feng shui position and always sleep that way.
2. Display Symbols of Love & Pairs of Things – Sculpture or painting of a couple, 2 hearts, flowers, candles, etc.
3. Display Happy Couple Photos – Make sure you both like them and they’re from happy moments.
4. A Bed for 2 With 2 Bedside Tables & Lamps – Set up your bedroom for 2 even if you’re single.
5. Scents for Romance – Make sure you both like the way your bedroom smells … vanilla, cinnamon, lavender or your favorite.
LOVE & ROMANCE DON’TS:
1. No Water Fountains – Moving water in a bedroom will cause relationship breakups.
2. No Family Photos – Your kids, parents, in-laws & friends don’t belong in your bedroom.
3. No TVs, Computers or Exercise Equipment – Couples with TVs in their bedroom make love less often.
4. No Baggage from Past Relationships – Keeping things from the past keeps you anchored to the past.
5. No Mirrors – Mirrors bounce energy & keep the room awake … not very relaxing for lovemaking.
PHONER: 804.241.1685 (Richmond, Virginia)
NET: http://www.fengshuidiva.com
BEST CITIES FOR EXPATRIATES TO LIVE IN:
According to a new study of 130 world cities …
1. Melbourne, Australia
2. Vancouver BC
3. Vienna, Austria
Source: “The Economist”
ONLY IN AMERICA:
• Southern Oaks Girls School in Wisconsin is the only juvenile detention center in the country with a Girl Scout troop. Because the girls can’t sell their cookies at grocery stores or anywhere else in the community, Wisconsin Department of Corrections has agreed to let them sell to inmates in the state’s other prisons. They make advertising posters that are hung in the institutions.
Source: “Chicago Tribune”
• 6-year-old Tyanna Madsen of Des Moines, Iowa got into weightlifting so she could spend more time with her gym-rat dad. Despite the American Pediatric Association warning that kids lifting weights can put their health at risk, Tyanna’s achievements may put her in the “Guinness Book of Records”. How so? She weighs 62 lbs, she can lift 101 lbs.
Source: “London Observer”
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• A 3-decade Mayo Clinic study has found that optimistic people live about 19% longer than pessimists. (Yeah, but it probably won’t work for me.)
• Stanford University exercise expert Dr William Haskell has calculated that using e-mail for just 5 minutes per hour at work will add a pound a year to your weight. (It’s bulk mail!)
THE BULL SHEET 02.09.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1936 [68] Stompin’ Tom Connors, Saint John NB, Canadian icon (“The Hockey Song”, “Bud the Spud”) who’s written more than 300 songs and recorded some 40 albums
1942 [62] Carole King (Klein), Brooklyn NY, oldies singer-songwriter (“It’s Too Late”, “The Loco-Motion”) who presented the ‘Song of the Year’ award at the Grammys LAST NIGHT
1943 [61] Joe Pesci, Newark NJ, movie actor (“Lethal Weapon” & “Home Alone” series, Academy Award-“Goodfellas”)
1945 [59] Mia Farrow (Maria de Lourdes Villers), LA CA, movie actress (“Hannah & Her Sisters”, “Rosemary’s Baby”)/mother of 13/Woody Allen’s ex-, Frank Sinatra’s ex-
1963 [41] Travis Tritt, Marietta GA, country singer (“Best Of Intentions”, “Here’s A Quarter”)
1979 [25] Mena Suvari, Newport RI, movie actress (“American Pie 1 & 2″, “American Beauty”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National DAV Day”, which stands for ‘Develop Alternative Vices’, a day to change your habits and improve yourself.
TODAY is “St Apollonia’s Day”, honoring the patron saint of dentists and those suffering from toothaches.
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1964 [40] The Beatles 1st appearance on “The Ed Sullivan Show” attracts an audience near 74 million FACTOID: TONIGHT a group of devoted Beatles fans called ‘The Fab 40 Committee’ is throwing a party/concert at NYC’s Hard Rock Café to commemorate the anniversary. Lincoln Center is hosting a film & TV tribute to the Beatles as well.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1893 [111] 1st ‘striptease’ (artist model ‘Mona’ disrobes during beauty contest at Paris’ Moulin Rouge)
1895 [109] 1st ‘college basketball game’ (Minnesota State School of Agriculture trounces Hamline College ‘Porkers’ 9-3. Wow, heart-stopping action!)
1895 [109] ‘Volleyball’ invented by YMCA director William Morgan in Holyoke MA (the game was originally called ‘mintonette’)
1966 [38] 1st ‘NHL expansion’ announced (to 6 American markets — LA, Minnesota, Oakland, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh and St Louis)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1997 [07] 1st NHL coach to win 1,000 games (Scotty Bowman-Detroit Red Wings)
1992 [12] World’s ‘fastest yodeller’ records 22 tones in single second (Thomas School in Germany)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Umbrella Day
[Tues-Fri] “Late Night With Conan O’Brien “ in Toronto
[Wed] Inventors Day
[Wed] Satisfied Staying Single Day
[Wed] Juno nominations announced
[Fri] “50 First Dates” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] “Canadian Idol” auditions begin (Ottawa)
[Fri] Elton John Caesar’s Palace run begins in Las Vegas
[Fri] National Condom Week begins
[Fri] Get A Different Name Day
[Sat] Valentine’s Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Random Acts of Kindness Week
International Friendship Week
National Engineers Week
Truth Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SIGNS YOU’RE BURNT OUT AT WORK:
• Your friends call to ask how you are, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back, jerk!”
• In your latest one-page performance report, the word ‘sucks’ appears 17 times.
• Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through – Monday.
• Your day timer exploded a week ago.
• You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
• Your garbage can is your ‘in’ box.
• You’re so tired you can now only muster the energy to answer the phone, “Hell.”
BS TRIVIA:
Q: You’re in ancient Rome celebrating the pagan fertility festival “Lupercalia”, predecessor of “Valentine’s Day”. What should you sacrifice – your goat, your spouse, or your virginity?
A: Say g’bye to ‘Billy’. According to ancient tradition, goats and dogs were sacrificed.
Q: Where would you find Canada’s busiest ATM machine?
a. Pearson International Airport in Toronto.
b. Casino Niagara in Niagara Falls, Ontario.
c. The Banff Springs Hotel in Banff, Alberta.
d. Corner Gas in Dog River, Saskatchewan.
A: The ATM machine near the main entrance of Casino Niagara performed 1.8 million transactions in the past year, making it Canada’s busiest.
Source: Niagara Falls Tourism
ACTUAL NEWS HEADLINES FROM THE WEEKEND:
“Woman’s Chastity Belt Sets Off Airport Alarm”
“Girl Dies after Second Head Is Removed”
“Hairy Dwarf Pickpocket Turns Out to Be a Monkey”
PHONE STARTER:
“What’s the absolute WORST Valentine gift you ever received?” (An online poll suggests the worst Valentine’s Day gifts would be exercise equipment, a book on making love, or roses – with a card for another woman.)
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• [The boss] is just a monocle and a Persian cat away from being a villain in a ‘James Bond’ movie.
• In life, it’s not who you know that’s important, it’s how your spouse found out.
• If it weren’t for the fact that the TV and the fridge are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: When it comes to our vehicles, only 50% of us do THIS to take care of them.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Take advantage of manufacturers’ recalls to get free repairs.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Beware of the naked man who offers you his shirt.
Welcome aboard to new BS-er Clint Stanton @ WKKR Salem AL, and samplers this week that include Sylvia Beetsma @ KHYI (The Range) Plano TX, Peter Case @ WKVT Brattleboro VT, William Tandy Jr @ WWKI Kokomo IN, and Randy Seale @ KSWH Arkadelphia AR.
