Monday, February 10, 2003        Edition: #2473
Get Your BS Here, Fresh & Steamy!

TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• “National Enquirer” claims Simon Cowell’s put-downs of fellow “American Idol” judge Paula Abdul are even worse off-camera than on-. Insiders tell the tab that acid-tongued Simon isn’t joking about his seething dislike of Paula, and his withering backbiting has often left her a ‘red-eyed wreck’ who bursts into tears. (Aww, po’ baby. Of course, the million-dollar salary’s gotta help.)
• Aussie underwear model Travis Fimmel, who’s set to play ‘Tarzan’ in a new movie, gives “Express” the lowdown on meeting Jennifer Lopez – “She’s got a fat bum but she’s very nice,” he thoughtfully informs us.
• “E! Online” reveals J-Lo’s ex-, Cris Judd, has landed a gig on ABC-TV’s upcoming reality show “I’m a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here!”. He and the rest of the cast will rough it out in a “Survivor”-style series that begins shooting later THIS MONTH Down Under. (Wow, wonder what other ‘celebrities’ they lined up?)
• “Star” magazine reports a whole new low in reality TV is on the way. Seems a pay-per-view special is being developed in which a psychic will attempt to ask questions during a seance with – Princess Diana. (“Which is heavier to wear – a tiara or a halo?”)
• “Independent “ reports Michael Jackson is in trouble with Britain’s royal family after their coat of arms was spotted on the gates of Neverland ranch in LAST WEEK’S documentary about his life. ”The use of the royal arms without authority is contrary to English law”, says snooty David White from the College of Arms. (Whose jurisdiction in California is – squat.)
• Stupormodel Heidi Klum has designed a new line of shoes for German manufacturer Birkenstock that “Telegraph” says are closer to clumpers than fashionable heels. “I’m going to do flip-flops next!” she brags perhaps too excitedly.
• Eminem’s mentor, Dr Dre, has an unusual project coming up – a musical collaboration with legendary ‘60s composer Burt Bacharach, who tells the UK tabloid “Sun”, “These won’t be like my usual songs.” (“Do you know the way to South Central …”)

BIRD BRAINS:
A new scientific study finds that birds sleep with one eye open and half of their brain awake. (The only other creature known to do this is the government employee in its natural daytime habitat.)

TELLTALE SIGN:
“New Woman” magazine offers the helpful tip that the easiest method of removing a lipstick kiss from your cheek is dabbing it with cooking oil.  (Then you get home and your wife asks, “Hey, have you been cheating … on your diet?”)

PhD – PAIN IN THE HEAD:
A Johns Hopkins health study shows that women are 15% more likely than men to get tension headaches. And the more education people have, the more headaches they get. (They would have published results sooner, but all the female post-grads had wicked migraines.)

BLONDES HAVE MORE – HAIR:
According to “Medical Cosmetology” magazine (got that one on your coffee table?), the average blonde has 140,000 hairs while the average redhead only has 88,000. (This explains why every guy you meet named ‘Red’ – is bald.)

GUESS WHO’S NARROW MINDED?:
A new Princeton University study shows that seniors are surprisingly flexible in their views and quite willing to reconsider their positions, much like young people. Turns out that it’s the middle-aged who are bull-headed, with stronger and more inflexible feelings about issues. (What a piece of nonsense. In our vaunted opinion this research is a total waste of time!)

CITY VS COUNTRY:
StatsCan figures show that it’s safer to live in the country than in the city. City dwellers are 67% more likely to be robbed and 44% more likely to be assaulted. (But much less likely to step in a ‘meadow muffin’.)

VALENTINES LOVE POLL:
• 52% of men consider a candlelit dinner the best gift, while only 39% of women say they want to be wined and dined. (Cash is preferable.)
• 47% of men like kissing on the couch, but only 18% of women share that passion. (Especially when a hockey game is on.)
• 38% of women like to get flowers, but only 4% of men say they ‘would deal with’ receiving a gift of flowers. (In other words – hide them until they can throw them out.)
• 25% of women say they enjoy a foot massage, compared to only 15% of men. (The other 85% are embarrassed about odor.)
• Surprisingly, only 9% of women want to receive chocolates, as opposed to 12% of men. (Who don’t care about weight gain.)
Source: Blistex poll of 1,000 men & women.

BS AMAZING FACT:
According to the “New England Journal of Medicine”, people who are breast-fed may actually be more intelligent! (Thanks for the mammaries!)

THE BULL SHEET 02.10.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1930 [73] Robert Wagner, Detroit MI, movie actor (Number Two-“Austin Powers 1-3”)

1939 [64] Adrienne Clarkson (Poy), Hong Kong, Governor-General of Canada since 1999/former TV journalist (“Adrienne Clarkson Presents: …”, “The Fifth Estate”)

1955 [48] Greg Norman, Melbourne AUS, pro golfer (‘The Great White Shark’) who has won over 70 tournaments, including the 1986 & 1993 British Opens, and holds the record for lowest 72-hole total (a 267 in 1993)

1961 [42] George Stephanopoulos, Fall River MA, TV news anchor (ABC’s “This Week”)/Senior Advisor to the President for Policy & Strategy during the Clinton administration

1967 [36] Laura Dern, Los Angeles CA, movie actress (“I Am Sam”, “Jurassic Park 1 & 3″) who  was once engaged to actors Billy Bob Thornton & Jeff Goldblum (at different times)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY you’re encouraged to organize computer programs and delete useless files. It’s “Clean Out Your Computer Day”, set aside to ‘scrape the plaque from your information arteries’. So take some time to delete all those files you no longer want clogging up your machine. (Are you listening, Peewee and Pete?)

TODAY is “For the Birds Day”, a highlight of “Wild Bird Feeding Month”. (So check your cookbook for some yummy wild game recipes. What … we got this wrong?)

THIS WEEK is “Rejection Awareness Week”, to draw attention to people who’ve taken a chance on love and had their hearts stomped on. (Aww cheer up, folks. After all, losers are people too!)

10 YEARS AGO . . .
1993 90 million watch “Michael Jackson Talks To Oprah Winfrey” in which he claims hereditary skin disorder has bleached his skin white

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1870 [133] 1st ‘YWCA’ (NYC)

1933 [70] 1st ‘singing telegram’ (“Your sister Rosie’s dead …”)

1957 [46] 1st ‘Styrofoam cooler’ (next day, the 1st ‘road trip’)

1990 [13] Can you guess who this is? The 1st female artist to have a top 10 album for over 50 weeks (“Forever Your Girl” by “American Pop Idol” judge Paula Abdul)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1982 [21] 28 skiers perform a simultaneous back-flip while holding hands (Bromont QC)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] 75th Academy Awards nominations announced (http://www.oscars.com)
[Tues] National Inventors Day
[Tues] Satisfied Staying Single Day
[Thurs] 23rd Genie Awards
[Thurs] National Condom Week
[Thurs] Get A Different Name Day
[Thurs] ”Survivor: The Amazon” debuts
[Fri] St Valentine’s Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Love May Make the World Go Round But Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy Week / Materials Testing Week / Celebration of Love Week / Heart Failure Awareness Week / Homes for Birds Week / Resurrect Romance Week / Child Passenger Safety Awareness Week / Live to Give Week / National Flirting Week / Kraut & Frankfurter Week / Party Time is Pickle Time Week / Burn Awareness Week / Cardiac Rehab Week / Crime Prevention Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
LEAST POPULAR BS VALENTINE CARDS:
“Happy Valentine’s. Wanna beer?”
“Nice rack! I love you.”
“I have reason to believe you’re carrying an illegal weapon, because your ass is lethal!”
“Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?”
“Hey Valentine, want to see something swell?”
“You know Valentine, beauty is only a light switch away.”
“I’m completely devoid of any creativity, so I bought you this $5 greeting card.”
“Happy Valentine’s Day to my ex-. Hope you like the heart-shaped box full of angry hornets.”
“As soon as I make parole, I’m gonna make you my woman.”
“Hey! Here’s a Valentine card. NOW you better put out.”
“If you were a booger, I’d pick you first.”

VALENTINES DON’TS:
• Don’t buy a generic gift. Find something special for that someone special.
• Don’t be cheap. Don’t buy practical gifts. Indulge!
• Don’t forget to make reservations. It’s one of the busiest days of the year for restaurants.
• Don’t mention or spend any time with your ex-.
• Don’t go to the same boring old places. Do something romantic and new.
• Don’t make demands. If he isn’t into it, you can’t make him enjoy Valentines Day.
• Don’t pretend. Don’t organize an all-out celebration with someone you’re luke-warm about.
• Don’t forget the day. There is no such thing as a belated Valentine’s Day present.
Source: Fun Online Corporation

BS PATENTED QUICK-PICK TRIVIA:
• 84 years ago TODAY (1919) the ‘Caterpillar Club’ was formed. What dangerous act must you perform in order to qualify for membership – explore an underwater cave, jump from an airplane, or survive being buried alive?
[You must survive an aircraft emergency by ‘hitting the silk’ – using a parachute. There are reportedly some 75,000 members. Not to be confused with the ‘Mile High Club’.]
• You are an ‘oenophile’. What are you an expert in – wine, women or song?
[You are a connoisseur of wine.]

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What is your biggest sexual turn-off?” (In a recent poll, ‘too much cologne or perfume’ and ‘that extra 10 pounds’ topped the list for both sexes.)
• “What’s the worst Valentines Day gift you ever received?”

BS VALENTINE TRIVIA:
Q: In the Middle Ages, young men and women used to draw names from a bowl to see who their valentines would be. Then they’d display them – where?
A: They’d wear the names on their sleeves for one week, the origin of the term ‘to wear your heart on your sleeve’.

Q: According to an old tradition, what happens to a woman who sees a goldfinch on Valentine’s Day?
A: She’ll marry a millionaire! On the other hand, sighting a robin means wedding a poor man.

Q: On a scale of 1 to 10, how do most people rate themselves as kissers?
A: According to a “Harlequin Romance” poll, the average person rates themselves a slurpy 7.

BS BLATANT JOKE:
“Joe Millionaire” is down to two girls now – Dumb and Dumber.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 2% of Canadians say they might include this in their Valentine card to their partner.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A nude picture of themselves.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.