Tuesday, February 4, 2003        Edition: #2469
You’ve Got Yourself in Deep Sheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT the cast of the FOX-TV sitcom “Married With Children” reunites for an hour-long reunion special, 6 years after the show was cancelled (which leads us too the question – why?) . . . Also on the tube TONIGHT – the 300th episode of “The Simpsons” (who woulda thunk it’d last this long?) . . . The producers of “Joe Millionaire” say the show’s message is you don’t need $50 million to be happy (all you need is 20 hot women that think you have $50 million) . . . “Joe Millionaire’s” butler, Paul Hogan, previously worked for the Australian government as a diplomat, managing embassies & consulates all over the world including Canada, Jamaica, Los Angeles and Argentina . . . ‘80s rock star Adam Ant has pleaded guilty to hitting a man during a bar fight (his first hit since 1986) . . . Brad Pitt says he won’t be rushing out to buy the new DVD release of his 1991 major movie debut, “Thelma & Louise”, because it features previously unseen footage of sex scenes with Geena Davis, including embarrassing moments when his ‘soldier starts to salute’ (OK, that pretty much guarantees that DVD will sell a gazillion) . . . Married Brit actor Jude Law is angrily denying published rumors that he’s having an affair with Nicole Kidman, his co-star in the upcoming movie, “Cold Mountain” (he who protesteth too much?) . . . And former Springsteen fan Stu Reid is so pissed that Bruce Springsteen has cancelled his Winnipeg concert, he’s organizing a protest to egg the Boss’s tour busses as they pass through town en route to Ottawa.

TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
Cutesy Reese Witherspoon stars in the romantic comedy, “Sweet Home Alabama”, as a white-trash Southern girl who runs away from her husband and reinvents herself as a New York socialite . . . Kieran Culkin & Claire Danes in the quirky comedy “Igby Goes Down”, about a young man trying to cope with his peculiar upbringing . . . And the entire 1st season of “Six Feet Under” is out on DVD, the much-awarded HBO show about a dysfunctional family that runs a funeral home.

WHEN WOMEN LAUGH:
A study of laughter in “American Scientist“ shows that women laugh far more often than men, except when they’re listening to other women. Then, they generally laugh a lot less. (Must be all those hilarious things guys say that crack women up.)

BALL & CHAIN:
A University of Michigan study confirms that marriage will settle you down. Researchers found the number of party animals reporting marijuana use and heavy drinking dropped by 33% after they were married. (‘Cause that’s when you’re conscience develops a voice – a big, loud voice.)

SKIN PRINTS:
“New Scientist“ reports that 3-dimensional tubes of living tissue have been ‘printed’ using modified desktop printers filled with suspensions of cells instead of ink. The work is a first step toward printing complex tissue or even entire organs. Tissue engineer Vladimir Mironov of the Medical University of South Carolina says this could have the same kind of impact as Gutenberg’s first printing press. (Soon you really will be able to read the disappointment on someone’s face!)

DOWNERS ARE CONTAGIOUS:
A study of college roommates in “New Woman” magazine finds that those who were feeling fine before exposure to a down-in-the-dumps roomie caught the blues within 3 weeks. (Mom was right – ‘misery loves company’.)

BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• The European Union has introduced new rules for humane livestock farming. Under the new legislation, farmers will have to put toys in every pigsty – or face up to 3 months in jail!
• The Roman Catholic Conference of Bishops hopes to pick a patron saint of the Internet by this Easter and is taking votes – where else – on its Website. (Seeing as the site is in Italian, guess where the saint is likely to come from?)
NET: http://santiebeati.it/
• An 18-year-old taking his driver’s test in Essex, England was yanked from his vehicle halfway through it – by carjackers. Both the driver and instructor were dragged from the car by 2 men who had just robbed a post office. The carjackers quickly abandoned the car, which carried ‘L’-plates for ‘Learner’. (You can bet for the rest of his life, this guy will be locking the car doors as soon as he gets in!)
• Two Irishmen have announced they’ll attempt to make the first-ever journey across Antarctica on sleds – pulled by kites. (They say they’d use sled dogs but that’s what sober guys would do.)

BS AMAZING FACT:
Marketing research by the La-Z-Boy company finds that 50% of their recliners are purchased by women. (That means that 50% of men are too lazy to even go and buy a recliner!)

THE BULL SHEET 02.04.2K3

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1962 [41] Clint Black, Long Branch NJ, country singer (“Something That We Do”, “Killin’ Time“)

1973 [30] Oscar de la Hoya, Montebello CA, boxing champ (Olympic gold medalist [1992], IBF lightweight title [1995], Super Lightweight title [1996], WBC Welterweight title [1997]) and part-time singer whose 2001 album “Oscar De La Hoya” was unbelievably nominated for a Grammy Award

1975 [28] Natalie Imbruglia, Sydney AUS, pop singer (“Torn”) who LAST MONTH announced her engagement to Silverchair frontman Daniel Johns

1975 [28] Rick Burch, Mesa AZ, rock bassist (Jimmy Eat World-“The Middle”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is ”Thank A Letter Carrier Day”. (Yeah, thanks for the bills, dude.)

TODAY is the UN’s annual “Torture Abolition Day”. (In observance, today’s episode of “SpongeBob SquarePants” has been cancelled.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1824 [179] 1st ‘rubber galoshes’ (giving mothers something to remind you as you leave the house)

1920 [83] 1st ‘Snickers’ candy bars go on sale

1932 [71] 1st ‘Winter Olympic Games’ staged in the USA begin at Lake Placid NY

1957 [46] 1st ‘portable electric typewriter’ weighs in at 19 lbs (explain what this is to your kid)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1982 [21] ‘Indoor distance record for a paper airplane’ set at 47 meters/154 feet (Tacoma WA)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Weatherperson’s Day
[Thurs] Dump Your Significant Jerk Day
[Thurs] Pay a Compliment Day
[Fri] Girls & Women in Sports Day
[Sun] National Develop Alternative Vices Day
This Week Is . . . National Consumer Protection Week / Pride in Food Service Week
This Month Is . . . Return Shopping Carts to the Supermarket Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS RELATIONSHIP TEST:
Try this one out on a studio guest or phone caller. Let them know they’ll need a pen and paper.
1. Write the numbers 1 through 9 on the paper.
2. In positions 1 and 5 – write the names of 2 people you are attracted to (no movie stars!).
3. In positions 2, 3 and 4 – write the names of any 3 friends or family members.
4. In positions 6, 7, 8 and 9, write the names of 4 songs you like.
After they’re finished, have them read back the answers one-by-one while you give them the
Interpretation –
• The person listed at #1 is the one you love. The song at #6 matches this person.
• The person listed at  #5 is someone you’re interested in, but it will never work out. The song at #7 matches this person.
• The person listed at #2 is the one you care most about.
• The person listed at #3 knows you really well.
• The person listed at #4 is your lucky star.
• The song at #8 describes your state of mind.
• The song at #9 represents how you feel about sex.

BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away?
• Whyzit that everybody in the supermarket express lane always picks one item that has no price tag?
• Whyzit you ‘fill in’ a form by ‘filling it out’ and an alarm clock ‘goes off’ by ‘going on’?
• Whyzit the colder the X-ray table, the more of your naked flesh is required on it?
• Whyzit we wait until a pig is dead to ‘cure’ it?
• Whyzit the only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom?
• Whyzit when you DO give a rat’s ass, nobody really appreciates that either?

HOW STUPID IS HE?
• He’s got a photographic memory but the lens cap is still on.
• He fell out of his family tree.
• It’s hard to believe that he beat out a million other sperm.
• The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
• He has a room-temperature IQ.
• He’s out there where the buses don’t run.
• The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
• If he was any dumber, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
• He stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.
• He’s depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

BS INTERVIEW:
George Reiger estimates he has spent 90% of his income over his working years on Disney souvenirs – over a half-million bucks-worth! He also has over 800 Disney designs tattooed on his body, including 103 Dalmatians. So what possessed this guy to become the world’s #1 Disney fan?
PHONER: 610-882-9356 (Bethlehem PA)

BS FACT OR CRAP?
• Blue jeans were originally named after the city of Genoa, Italy. (TRUE. The old name for Genoa was ‘Geane’ when it began exporting sturdy twill cloth to England in the 1500s.)
• There are an average of 52 sesame seeds on a McDonald’s Big Mac bun. (BS. 178)
• Saturday mail delivery only lasted in Canada for 2 years, until 1869. (BS. It wasn’t eliminated by Canada Post until February 1, 1969.)
• February, 1865 is the only month in recorded history NOT to have a full moon. (TRUE)
• Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the deaths of their cats. (TRUE)
• Men blink nearly twice as much women. (BS. Actually the reverse is true.)
• Alberta has been completely free of rats since 1905. (TRUE)
• The toes of ancient Egyptian mummies are wrapped individually. (TRUE)
• Children’s author Dr Seuss first coined the term ‘nerd’. (TRUE, in his book “If I Ran to the Zoo”.)
Sources include: “Strange But True”

BS WHO SAID IT?
GAME #1 –
“My breasts are beautiful and I gotta tell you, they’ve gotten a lot of attention for what is relatively short screen time.”
a) Halle Berry
b) John Goodman
c) Jamie Lee Curtis [CORRECT]

GAME #2 –
“I don’t know if I want to go back to working on movies that don’t have the upper level of quality to them.”
a) John Travolta [CORRECT]
b) Madonna
c) Adam Sandler

BS BLATANT JOKE:
I see your IQ test results were negative.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: For most of us this is a daily ritual, but 5% of us NEVER do it.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Make the bed.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.