Monday, February 3, 2003 Edition: #2468
When It Comes to Prep, We Pound the Rock!
TRASHY TABLOID BS:
• TONIGHT “Joe Millionaire” returns to TV and, thanks to exposé Website “The Smoking Gun”, we now know that one of the finalists has starred in dozens of kinky bondage and fetish films that feature her being handcuffed, gagged, hog-tied, and bound with duct tape. While FOX describes Sarah Kozer’s occupation as ‘sales and design’, the 29-year-old has numerous film credits as ‘Cindy Schubert’ in movies like “Novices in Knots”, “Hogtied”, “Helpless Heroines”, and “Dirty Soled Dolls”.
• According to a report in “Enquirer”, Bill Clinton is now seeing a sex therapist. (He’s also seeing a lounge singer, 2 flight attendants and a Hooters waitress.)
• According to “Star”, Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne have threatened to send daughter Kelly to rehab, to curb her recent drinking binges (she proves the old adage, you should never drink and sing). Meantime, “PeopleNews” reports that Kelly Osbourne is in talks with Boy George to star in a Broadway version of his ultra-camp musical “Taboo”. (Now there’s a pair for you.)
• Jennifer is said to be ‘crushed’ that her dream of a huge Catholic wedding may have gone up in smoke. She’s been told the annulment of her previous marriage could take up to 2 years, says online tabloid “Ananova”. Until then, she cannot be married in the church again. She had reportedly planned to wed Ben Affleck in Puerto Rico on Valentine’s Day.
• “National Enquirer” speculates that Britney Spears is involved in a foursome! Well, maybe not all at the same time. Her latest object of affection – 26-year-old Irish actor Colin Farrell. The duo were spotted ‘getting very friendly’ at an LA nightclub. If true, Farrell joins on-and-off boyfriend Justin Timberlake and Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst among those sharing her time. (And likely more.)
• “Star” reports that Tom Cruise is furious at infamous NYC hotel magnate Leona Helmsley over reports that she called him a ‘fag’ and plans to have his attorney sue the so-called ‘Queen of Mean’. (Finally he’s found someone worth suing! She can afford to actually pay something!)
• The UK’s “Sun” tab says Courtney Love had fun during a recent photoshoot for “Q Magazine”, reportedly taking her clothes off in a cab, laying naked on a sidewalk, setting fire to things, pouring champagne over her head and having a bikini wax in a room full of people.
• Nicole Kidman’s nose is the most sought after celebrity body part, according to a new poll by Hollywood plastic surgeons. “Evening Standard” reports the new Hollywood ‘hot list’ includes Halle Berry’s eyes, Liv Tyler’s lips, and Angelina Jolie’s body. On the male side, Brad Pitt’s eyes and lips are the most frequent requests. Also hot are Russell Crowe’s chin and Leonardo DiCaprio’s cheeks.
• And here’s the week’s ‘breaking news’, thanks to “Weekly World News” – “College Offers Degree in Stripping!”, “Small Town Taxes Fat People – By the Pound!”, “German Air Force Flew UFOs in WW2!”, “You Can Have a Butt Like J-Lo’s!”, “Space Alien Cat!”, and – horror of horrors – “Duck Hunters Shoot Angel!”.
THAT’S 6 MORE WEEKS BEFORE YOU’RE BACON, PAL:
Instead of a groundhog, the Cottage Grove, Wisconsin Lions Club used a potbellied pig to forecast the weather on the weekend. The Lions argue that ‘Hamlet the Potbellied Pig’ proved his powers of prediction last year when he agreed with Wisconsin’s other prognosticator, ‘Jimmy the Groundhog’. (Hey, as we all know, it’s not about accuracy, it’s about making money!)
WHO’S MOST FIT?
A recent study finds that baton twirlers are in top physical condition, often in better shape than college athletes. (Especially male baton twirlers – who have to run a lot to keep from getting beat up.)
CATCH A MOOD:
Want to feel happy? Spend more time with happy people whose mood you wouldn’t mind catching. Seems that during conversation, we tend to mimic each other’s facial expressions, posture and speech rhythms. An article in “Woman’s Day” suggests that by doing this, we come to feel what the other person is feeling.
FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
• Who’s stealing the hearts of boppers these days? According to a new Zandl Group poll, actors Vin Diesel and Josh Hartnett are now the top heartthrobs among teenage girls.
• A poll on office environment reveals that stolen staplers and annoying mobile ring tones are the things that drive most office workers to distraction. The poll also finds that unclaimed documents on the photocopier cause employees to lose their cool, as well as co-workers who take overly long lunches, gossip loudly, or kiss the boss’s butt.
• A new online poll asks which celeb we’d most like to share time with in the sack. Halle Berry was the favorite of 34% of men, followed by J-Lo at 32% and Pam Anderson at 20%. 35% of women pick George Clooney, while Ben Affleck scored with 22% and Vin Diesel picked up 20%.
CRAZY CAREERS:
THIS WEEK is ”National School Counselling Week”, when students are encouraged to plan for future jobs. Here’s a few you probably hadn’t considered –
• Airport Animal Wrangler (chases wildlife from runway areas)
• Worm Rancher (locating earthworms for bait)
• Open Manhole Monitor (ensures pedestrians aren’t injured while work is being performed)
• Barbie Doll Fashion Designer
• Potato Chip Inspector (“yummy, yummy, yummy, yech a bad one, yummy …”)
• Mock Juror (hired by trial lawyers to practise presenting their cases)
• Alligator Wrestler
• There’s also a man who tests tampons and a woman who tests condoms. The processes, of course, are scientific.
Sources: Express Personnel Services, Nancy Rica Schiff’s photo book “Odd Jobs”.
BS SHOCKING FACT:
The bacteria found on the skin of one person is roughly the numerical equivalent of all the humans on Earth. (Doesn’t that send you into a fit of scratching?)
THE BULL SHEET 02.03.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1920 [83] Dr Henry Heimlich, physician who invented ‘Heimlich Maneuver’ anti-choking procedure
1943 [60] Blythe Danner, Philadelphia PA, TV actress (Dr Harriet Lanning-“Presidio Med”)/movie actress (“Meet the Parents”, “The Prince of Tides”)/Gwyneth Paltrow’s mom
1956 [47] Nathan Lane, Jersey City NJ, TV actor (Charlie-“Charlie Lawrence”)/movie actor (“Stuart Little 1 & 2”, “The Birdcage”, Timon-“The Lion King”)/Broadway actor (“The Producers”)
1965 [38] Maura Tierney, Boston MA, TV actress (Nurse Abby Lockhart-“ER”)
1970 [33] Warwick Davis, Epsom ENG, 3 ft-6 in movie actor (Professor Filius Flitwick-“Harry Potter” films, “Return of the Jedi”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day”, a day of protest over how people with bifocals are forced to look ridiculous while working on computers, heads tilted back like turkeys in a rain storm.
TODAY is “Men’s Grooming Day”. Yup, it’s that one day of the year again already!
TONIGHT we reach the “Halfway Point of Winter”, when there will officially be another 44 days left. Time for a “Beat the Winter Blahs Party”!
1 YEAR AGO . . .
2002 Adam Vinatieri kicks 48-yard field goal on the final play of the game to give New England Patriots a 20-17 win over St Louis Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI at New Orleans Superdome
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1881 [122] 1st use of the word ‘Jumbo’ (PT Barnum names his new 6-ton elephant)
1984 [19] World’s 1st baby conceived by ‘embryo transplant’ (Long Beach CA)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1947 [56] North America’s ‘coldest record temperature’, -63 degrees C or -81 degrees F, at Snag, Yukon Territory
AND REMEMBER . . .
11 days till Valentine’s Day
49 days till the Oscars
57 days till April Fools Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
National Consumer Protection Week
Pride in Food Service Week
Women’s Heart Health Week
I Hate Financial Planning Week
Cardiac Rehabilitation Week
National School Counselling Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
BEST SHAKESPEAREAN INSULTS:
Nobody has ever mastered the putdown like good ol’ Will Shakespeare. So here’s some ways to add some class when you’re talkin’ trash –
• “You mad mustachio purple-hued maltworm.” (Hamlet)
• “Your face is not worth sunburning.” (Henry V)
• “Thy brains are useless boiled within thy skull!” (The Tempest)
• “Thou art a very ragged wart.” (Henry IV)
• “There’s many a man hath more hair than wit.” (Comedy of Errors)
• “Sweep on you fat and greasy citizens!” (As You Like It)
• “He has not so much brain as ear wax.” (Troilus & Cressida)
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If J-Lo & Ben Affleck’s relationship ends, will he have a hard time leaving that behind?
• If you go to the North Pole and walk in circles at the same rate as the world turns, will you get older?
• Do newlyweds who buy a waterbed slowly drift apart?
• How come we call a restaurant server a ‘waiter’ when it’s us that actually waits?
• All things considered, isn’t insanity the only alternative?
BS INTERVIEW:
The village of Plaster Rock NB hosted the 2nd annual “World Pond Hockey Championship” over the weekend with 64 teams from across Canada and the US competing in games of 4-on-4 shinny outdoors on a river and a lake – the way hockey was invented to be played. Teams with names like the Skateful Dead and Raggedy Ass River Boys were decked out in really strange ‘uniforms’. So how does pond hockey differ from regular hockey? And who won?
PHONER: 506-356-6166 (Danny Braun, Recreational Director)/506-356-8596 (Home)
BS Q & A:
Q: What’s the worst hour of the day for car accidents – 7am, 4pm or 2am?
A: 4-5pm is the absolute worst, 3-4pm is 2nd-worst. Surprisingly, the morning rush ranks 5th.
Source: “Top 10 of Everything”
Q: In English, what is the only digit that has the same number of letters as its value?
A: Four.
Source: “Land O‘ Useless Facts”
Q: Which are bigger, snowflakes or raindrops?
A: Flakes. Most raindrops are small because the big ones usually break apart as they fall. The world’s largest snow flake on record measured 38 cm in diameter – bigger than a dinner plate!
Source: “FAQ Weather”
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “What morning rituals do you HAVE to perform or it ruins your whole day?”
• “Who’s the most famous person you ever shook hands with?”
• “What food item has been gathering dust in your kitchen cupboard for more than a year?” (In a University of Illinois poll, Tabasco sauce was the most common brand-name item that had been tucked away and forgotten.)
BS BLATANT JOKE:
We decided to throw [co-host] a going away party. I just hope he takes the hint.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: From start to finish, the shortest one of these lasted just 45 minutes.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A war (between Britain and Zanzibar).
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Leadership is a combination of strategy and character. If you must be without one, be without the strategy.
WELCOME NEW BS-ERS!
This week’s BS tire-kickers include Loretta Thomas @ KBME Houston TX, Pat White @ WAAO Andalusia AL, Jason Murphy @ KPMX Sterling CO, and Ed Pitts @ WXHT Valdosta GA. Remember, we award a FREE MONTH of service for each new BS subscriber you refer!
