Monday, February 25, 2002 Edition: #2240
Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!
THIS MONTH is “Worldwide Innovation Month”, a good time to check out some . . .
BS INVENTIONS THAT NEVER MADE IT:
• New Formula Chapstick with Super Glue
• The Electric Dreadlock De-Tangler
• McDonald’s Depressing Meal
• The Vibrating Pocket Buddy
• Aerosol Pork
• The Craftmatic Adjustable Groin-Puller
• The Mesh Parachute
• Combination Salad Dressing/Motor Oil
• Clorox Coladas
• The Steel Bristle Retina Brush
• Chunky-Style Mayonnaise
• The Tub Toaster
• The 12-Speed Back Shaver
BS TITILLATING YET TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• Here’s the REAL news this week according to “Weekly World News” — “Second Great Depression Is Just Weeks Away!”, “I Gave AIDS to the High School Basketball Team!”, “Superman is Gay Says Crackpot Preacher!”, and “Baby Born Without a Head Turns Two Years Old!”
• The “Enquirer” says freshly-divorced 27-year-old actress Drew Barrymore has fallen in like with her co-star on the Montréal set of her new film “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind”. Seems she and 33-year-old actor Sam Rockwell, who plays her boyfriend in the film, have been warming up to each other both on and off the set. (Wonder if Tom is Green with envy?)
• The “NY Post” claims actor Harrison Ford has a new girl — again. This time it’s “Ally McBeal” star Calista Flockhart. Seems the duo were spotted looking chummy in NYC and elsewhere. Divorced from his longtime wife LAST YEAR, Ford recently split with actress Minnie Driver. Flockhart has reportedly been on-again/off-again with Garry Shandling.
• “Star” magazine claims it has the goods on “Virgin Britney Caught in Bed With Lover!” (Thereby setting a new record for the 68,936th headline regarding Ms Spears virtue — or lack of it.)
• According to the “National Enquirer” aging diva Diana Ross was on the verge of nervous collapse over her faltering career and failed marriage and secretly checked into a psychiatric ward a couple of months back. The tab claims the shattered star has made an amazing recovery. (Actually she faked the whole thing after seeing how much publicity it generated for Mariah.)
• UK tabloid the “Sun” reveals why 23-year-old R&B singer Brandy recently spilled the beans about her secret wedding LAST YEAR — she and hubby Robert Smith are expecting their first child in JULY. Seems she wanted to come clean before she started ‘showing’.
• Tom Cruise’s people confirm the movie star has been wearing braces for about a week and will likely have them on for a year or so. “The Buzz” says the soon-to-be-40 Cruise decided to improve his pearly whites after taking one of his kids to the orthodontist and finding out his own ‘bite’ was out of alignment. Don’t worry, he’ll take them off for movies. (In his next love scene you’ll see his retainer sitting on the night table.)
• The “Mirror” reports Brit Award-winning popster Kylie Minogue is ready to settle down and get married to model/boyfriend James Gooding. (‘Cause she ‘can’t get him out of her mind . . .’. She may be from Down Under but she’s a bit over the top as far as we’re concerned.)
• According to “Star” best pals Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, along with Ben’s acting brother Casey, recently checked into We Care, an exclusive and expensive diet retreat near Palm Springs CA. The boys lived on juices for their 1-week stay, went on early morning 5-mile walks, and were given DAILY COLONICS to cleanse their systems. (What a pain in the butt that must be!)
• “E! Online” reports that Academy Award-winning Warner Bros cartoon animator Chuck Jones, who drew such beloved cartoon characters as ‘Bugs Bunny’, ‘Daffy Duck’ and ‘Porky Pig’, has died at age 89. (His last words were, ”Uh th-th-th-th-that’s all folks!”)
WE’RE PUCK NUTS:
The Canadian women’s gold medal hockey game was a huge TV ratings hit, drawing a peak audience of about 6.25 million and averaging over 4.5 million. Expectations were that YESTERDAY’S men’s hockey gold medal game would average well over 6 million Canadian viewers (but we’re betting when the final numbers are in they’ll be closer to 10 million). YESTERDAY, by the way, was the 50th anniversary of Canada’s last Olympic gold medal in men’s hockey, when the Edmonton Mercurys won the gold in Oslo in 1952.
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• Add this to the list of ‘embarrassing ways to die’ — a Long Island NY man has apparently bled to death after dropping his coffee mug on a sidewalk, then slipping and falling on top of the shards. (At least he wasn’t running with scissors.)
• A New Zealand driving range may ban golfers who hit the ball too far. Even though the Impact 2000 range has a 40-ft-high fence around its boundary, balls have been hitting windows at a retirement village — 285 YARDS from the tee! One resident has collected 600 balls. (Whoever’s managing to accomplish this should be signed to the PGA!)
• A 24-year-old Buffalo NY man was hospitalized briefly after falling to the ground from his 2nd-floor balcony while attempting to toss his TV over the railing. What ticked him off? He was watching a tape of a 1989 NHL playoff game and got angry when his favorite team lost — again. (This guy obviously has no long-term memory.)
NYPD LIMELIGHT:
That NYC cop who’s become famous for his rendition of “God Bless America” (he sang before the Olympics opening) is having his dream come true – Daniel Rodriguez is about to begin 13 weeks of tutoring with opera virtuoso Placido Domingo. (Soon ‘it won’t be over till the fat COP sings’.)
WHAT WAS THAT?
A study in the “Journal of the American Medical Association” shows that nearly 15% of 6- to19-year-olds have at least some hearing deficiency in either low or high frequencies. Researchers blame loud video arcades and clubs, louder headphones, and really loud concerts. (However, these PhD-toting eggheads have absolutely no idea how to communicate this danger to your average 15-year-old.)
GRAY MATTERS:
The American Association for the Advancement of Science says that people who slow down after retirement may actually shorten their lives. Researchers say that seniors need intellectual activity to remain healthy and that challenging games like bridge or crossword puzzles are good, while deadhead activities like bingo and TV viewing are not. (Like the rest of your body – you gotta use it or lose it!)
FLOWER POWER:
Rutgers University scientists have recently discovered that plants communicate with other plants. Researchers say they warn neighboring plants when they are infected with a virus with an ‘airborne signal’. (Great, now in addition to your kids, your houseplants talk back!)
GET OUT OF MY FACE:
According to studies on the subject, you start getting antsy when someone comes within 70 cm (about 28 Inches) of your face. At 50 cm (20 inches) it gets hard to breathe and at 30 cm (12 inches) you’re liable to punch someone or scream. Researchers say that when your personal space is invaded you automatically get tense and edgy. (That’s why a minute on an elevator seems interminable.)
FAMOUSLY BAD PREDICTIONS:
• “Everything that can be invented has been invented.” – Charles Duell, USA Patent Office (1899)
• “Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” – HM Warner of Warner Bros (1927)
• “Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” – “Popular Mechanics” (1949)
• “There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” – Ken Olson of Digital Corp (1977)
THE BULL SHEET 02.25.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [Died November 29, 2001] George Harrison, Liverpool ENG, rock musician (“My Sweet Lord”, Beatles-“Let It Be”) NOTE: TODAY in Hollywood fans will celebrate what would have been his 59th birthday by gathering at the Beatles’ star on the Walk of Fame at 6pm for a party organized by Capitol Records
1966 [36] Tea Leoni, NYC, movie actress (“Jurassic Park III”, “Deep Impact”)/Mrs David Duchovny
1967 [35] Carrot Top (Scott Thompson), obnoxious clown-haired comedian who relies on wacky props and sells out more than 200 concerts a year/ad huckster (1-800-CALL-ATT)
1973 [29] Justin Jeffre, Mt Clemens MI, pop singer (98 Degrees-“I Do Cherish You”, “The Hardest Thing”)
1974 [28] Shannon Stewart, Cincinnati OH, baseball outfielder (Toronto Blue Jays)
1986 [16] Justin Berfield, LA CA, TV actor (Reese-“Malcolm in the Middle”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY the Jewish observance of “Purim” begins at sundown. Purim takes place on the 14th and 15th days of Adar, the 12th month of the Jewish calendar. In Israel, it’s traditionally a costume holiday and this year Israeli shops are selling Osama bin Laden masks.
WEDNESDAY is officially “No Brainer Day”, when we’re encouraged to slack off and play hooky. Any activity attempted should be something done without serious thought — a ‘no brainer’ activity. Similar to the UK’s 2nd annual “National Slacker Day” last FRIDAY when British workers were urged to do — nothing.
THIS MONTH in Iceland they’re celebrating “Thorrablót”, called by some the ‘feast from hell’. The annual mid-winter, month-long banquet includes local delicacies like ‘sheep’s blood pudding rolled in lard’, ‘broiled puffin birds’, ‘rotten shark’ that’s been buried for months, and the always delectable dish, ‘pickled ram’s testicles’. All of this is washed down with ‘black death’, potato-and-caraway seed schnapps. Bon appetit!
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1859 [143] 1st use of ‘insanity plea’ to prove innocence
1940 [62] 1st ‘televised hockey game’ (NY Rangers vs Montréal Canadiens on W2XBS-TV in NYC)
1964 [38] 22-year-old Cassius Clay (Muhammad Ali) wins his 1st world heavyweight boxing title by defeating Sonny Liston in Miami (Clay was such an underdog only 8,300 fans showed up for the bout!)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1896 [106] ‘Largest chicken egg’ on record laid by a Black Minorca hen in England (the 5-yolk egg weighs nearly 12 ounces and measures 12.25 inches around the long axis and 9 inches around the short axis)
1981 [20] ‘Most-penalized NHL game’ as Boston Bruins and Minnesota North Stars amass 84 penalties for a total of 392 minutes (almost as many as that weasel American ref laid on the Canadian women’s hockey team)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] International Polar Bear Day
[Wed] 44th Grammy Awards
[Wed] Spay Day USA
[Thurs] “Survivor: Marquesas” debuts
[Thurs] International Floral Design Day
[Thurs] Public Sleeping Day (honoring people who sleep around?)
[Fri] 2001 RRSP deadline
Eating Disorders Awareness Week (toilet flush SFX)
International Friendship Month (as exhibited by that friendly gathering of quibbling countries in Salt Lake)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Are you suffering from ‘Olympic Letdown’ this morning or have you had your fill of the Winter Games?”
• “What’s the absolute weirdest herbal or natural cure you’ve ever tried? Did it work?”
• “If a male contraceptive pill were available would you trust your man to take it?” (An international poll in the journal “Human Reproduction” finds that only 2% of women would NOT trust their partners to take it.)
BS MOVIE CLICHÉS:
Imagine if the morning commute was anything like the movies. Why is it that in the movies . . .
• Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously every few seconds.
• There are always people carrying around large sheets of glass on the street during a car chase.
• Pedestrians being chased by a car will keep running down the middle of the road instead of ducking in somewhere where a car can’t go.
• A car will always explode when shot at, unless the hero is driving it.
• When a car falls off a cliff after a car chase, it usually explodes before reaching the ground.
• Cars that crash will always burst into flames.
• When speeding cars hit a parked car, they fly up into the air while the parked car doesn’t even wiggle.
• After a car crash, no movie character ever sits and shakes for 5 minutes, or becomes incoherent with shock.
THE BS GUIDE TO DECIPHERING APARTMENT ADS:
What they say . . . what they actually mean.
• “Spacious” . . . hole in the wall.
• “Easy Access To Transportation” . . . next to railroad tracks.
• “European-style Kitchen . . . it’s the size of a broom closet.
• “Heated Pool” . . . when the sun’s out.
• “Great View” . . . overlooks the dumpster.
• “Pets Welcome” . . . the place stinks.
• “Light And Airy” . . . cold and drafty.
• “Rustic” . . . interior design from the ’70s.
• “Secure Parking” . . . manager’s apartment overlooks parking lot.
LOST IN TRANSLATION:
These are actual signs spotted by world travelers —
• In a Bangkok dry cleaner — “Drop your trousers here for best results.”
• In a Majorca shop – “English well talking” and “Here speeching American.”
• In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers — “Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.”
• In a Hong Kong dress shop — “Ladies have fits upstairs.”
• In a Rome laundry — “Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.”
BS Q & A:
Q: Who is the oldest Olympic bobsled driver in history?
A: 43-year-old Prince Albert of Monaco, who competed in his 5th Olympic Winter Games in 4-man bobsleigh over the weekend. In one heat he actually flipped his sled upside down but was uninjured.
(Source: Reuters)
Q: Why is it that so-called ‘upper class’ people are referred to as ‘blue bloods’?
A: Before the French Revolution, pale skin was considered a sign of the upper classes. The term ‘blue blood’ came about because you could see aristocrats’ blue veins beneath their sickly, pallid skin.
(Source: “Grolier’s Encyclopedia”)
BS TAG LINE:
If at first you don’t succeed, you’ll get lots of advice.
