Wednesday, February 28, 2001 Edition: #2001
BS WAYS YOU CAN TELL YESTERDAY WAS “PANCAKE DAY”:
• The price of syrup doubled.
• Whenever you shook hands your palms stuck.
• There’s some strange-lookin’ Frisbees in the schoolyard this morning.
• Aunt Jemima has just made “Fortune” magazine’s top 10.
• It was the only day of the year you heard someone actually use the word ‘shrove’.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT’s episode of the syndicated TV show “Blind Date” features “Survivor II’s” bossy back-stabber Jerri Manthey, filmed before she was picked for the “Australian Outback” (talk about a blind date from hell!) . . . Woody Harrelson has signed up for four MAY episodes of the sitcom “Will & Grace”, playing ‘Grace’s’ new boyfriend (hey, he wasn’t exactly busy with anything else) . . . The first CD by The Thai Elephant Orchestra, a sextet of ex-logging pachyderms who play giant harmonicas, xylophones and gongs has just reached “Billboard’s” ‘Top 100′ (and you thought the barking dogs were goofy) . . . Word is Jack Nicholson has moved in with his next-door neighbor of 25 years, Marlon Brando, to avoid his ex-girlfriend Rebecca Broussard, who’s taken over Nicholson’s Mulholland Drive mansion and moved their 2 children in (would this make a great film script or what?).
SOCIAL STUDIES:
• A new study says that men only use half of their brain compared to women. (That’s because men are using the other half to picture women naked.)
• A Glasgow University research team has discovered that using a dentist’s drill is the best way of cracking eggs, though perhaps not the most convenient. Barring that, the best method is to use a medium-size egg and slice it with a slim, flat, blunt-edged knife with a heavy handle before gently pulling it apart. (The scientists will next conduct cutting-edge research on how to open a milk carton.)
WEIRD WORLD OF BS:
• A zoo employee in China has been killed by tigers after attempting a bowel movement from a retaining rail. (Watch for the upcoming movie, “Crouching Keeper, Hidden Tiger”.)
• A Swiss man has won a German TV prize after successfully indentifying various brands of toilet papers by licking, sucking and chewing on them. (He also received a scolding from ‘Mr Whipple’ who exclaimed, “Please don’t suck the Charmin!”)
• A New Zealand farmer is planning to sue a drive-in theater after he was banned for watching movies — on the back of his donkey. Seems other customers complained he was blocking the screen and ruining the show. (In fact, they couldn’t even see the screen for his fat ass!)
GREAT FATHER’S DAY GIVEAWAY:
La-Z-Boy and Microsoft have teamed up to create ‘The Explorer’ luxury armchair that comes with a Web-TV receiver and keyboard, laptop computer outlet, Internet connections, fold-out tray table, drink holder and storage space for TV remotes. The deluxe leather edition sells for about $1300 US.
BS E-MAIL SAVES YOU UP TO $200 PER YEAR!
THE BULL SHEET 02.28.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1932 [69] Don Francks, Vancouver BC, TV actor (Walter-“La Femme Nikita”)/movie actor (“Finian’s Rainbow”)
1948 [53] Bernadette Peters (Lazzara), Queens NY, Broadway star (Tony Awards-“Annie Get Your Gun”, “Song & Dance”)/movie actress (“The Jerk”)
1955 [46] Gilbert Gottfried, Brooklyn NY, comedian whose distinctive whiny voice has made him rich as a voice-over artist (“Doctor Dolittle”, “Aladdin”)
1962 [39] Rae Dawn Chong, Vancouver BC, TV actress (Peggy Fowler-“Mysterious Ways”)/movie actress (“Commando”, “The Color Purple”)/Tommy Chong’s daughter
1973 [28] Eric Lindros, London ON, 6′-4″, 230-lb NHL center who’s prone to concussions/requested trade from Philadelphia to Toronto blocked by Flyer GM Bobby Clarke
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Ash Wednesday”, the beginning of “Lent” that includes the 40 weekdays and 6 Sundays leading up to “Easter”. (Actually “Lent” is a reason to give up partying.)
ON THIS DAY . . .
1996 [05] Alanis Morissette gets 4 awards & 1 ‘bleep’ (during “You Oughta Know”) at 38th Grammys
1998 [03] Celine Dion’s “Titanic” hit “My Heart Will Go On” reaches #1
2000 [01] Steely Dan releases “Two Against Nature” album, which inexplicably goes on to win 3 Grammy Awards including ‘Album of the Year’
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1977 [24] Federal government announces creation of new, publicly-owned passenger railway to be called ‘Via Rail’ (then starts tearing up rail lines all across the country)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1983 [18] Estimated 125 million watch 2½-hour final episode of “M*A*S*H”, the most viewers ever for a single episode of a TV series (will likely never be topped due to the proliferation of hundreds of cable and satellite TV channels)
OTHER ALL-TIME TOP RATED TV PROGRAMS:
2. “Dallas” ‘Who Shot JR?’ episode (1980)
3. “Roots” ‘Part 8′ (1977)
4. “Super Bowl XVI” — San Francisco 49ers vs Cincinnati (1982)
5. “Super Bowl XVII” — Washington Redskins vs Miami (1983)
(Source: Nielsen Media Research)
1984 [17] Michael Jackson wins record 8 Grammy Awards, for “Thriller” (tied last year by Santana)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] 2000 RRSP deadline
[Sun] Juno Awards (Hamilton) NET: http://www.juno-awards.ca
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTER:
“What non-traditional song would you like played at your funeral?” (A recent poll of British undertakers found the following to be the most popular: “Candle In the Wind”, “My Way”, “Knocking on Heaven’s Door”, “Stairway To Heaven”, “Tears in Heaven” and “Seasons in the Sun”. And why not “Boom Boom Boom! Out Go the Lights!”, “Down Under”, or Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here”?)
BS TAG LINE: Hannibal’s favorite breakfast — eggs and Kevin Bacon.
