Monday, February 19, 2001 Edition: #1994
WOMEN VS MEN:
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
• To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change and she does.
• A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• Another Hollywood marriage has reportedly ‘hit the fan’. “National Enquirer” says Arnold Schwarzenegger has apparently been cheating on wife Maria Shriver for the past 12 years. She’s said to be fed up and demanding the marriage be ‘terminated’.
• Britain’s “Sun” tab says 63-year-old “Hannibal” star Anthony Hopkins has developed a new taste in women — he’s been quietly dating 59-year-old Martha Stewart, whom he met at the glitzy wedding of Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas last year. (Wonder if they discuss recipes.)
• “E! Online” reports the Humane Society has issued a condemnation for the graphic display of a wild pig being slaughtered on last week’s “Survivor”, saying the animal suffered and died solely for ‘entertainment purposes’. (As restitution, CBS promises that in this week’s episode conniving contestant Jerri Manthey will meet the same fate.)
• Wild-woman actress Angelina Jolie tells “Allure” mag she has a new tattoo on her ‘nether regions’ that says “Billy Bob”. This, she explains, will make it clear ‘who da man’ in her real life when she does nude love scenes in movies. (It’s right next to the one that says, “Over 5 billion served.”)
• “People” mag reports Tom Cruise seems to be trying to block estranged wife Nicole Kidman from claiming ANY alimony. The couple had a prenup, but it protected only their assets going into the marriage, not those acquired afterward. They are now jointly worth $250 million and have 5 homes around-the-world. One source says, “This is going to get ugly.” (Like it isn’t already.)
• And because you really need to know, “Star” reveals the shocking news that Matt Damon’s mother still buys his underwear for him! Seems he’s just too busy to shop and she’s the only one in his life who knows his taste in gotchies. (Bet he could get a zillion volunteers.)
WEIRD SCIENCE:
• A German beauty expert says spoons warmed in a cup of hot water can smooth out wrinkled skin, while cold spoons can reduce bags under eyes. Berlin’s Rene Koch also recommends a ‘spoon massage’ for the entire body to improve appearance of the skin. (Never mind spoons — this guy’s pretty good with a shovel!)
• After studying some 14,000 cases, researchers at Britain’s University of Bristol have discovered that expectant mothers who eat lots of oily fish like sardines and mackerel give birth to children with better visual development. (But really, really bad breath!)
THE BULL SHEET 02.19.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [61] Smokey Robinson, Detroit MI, legendary Motown singer (“Cruisin’”, “I Second That Emotion”)/songwriter (“My Guy”, “My Girl”)/producer/Rock & Roll Hall of Famer
1955 [46] Jeff Daniels, Chelsea MI, movie actor (“101 Dalmatians”, “Speed”, “Dumb & Dumber”)
1960 [41] Prince Andrew (Albert Christian Edward Windsor), London ENG, Duke of York/Fergie’s ex-
1963 [38] Seal (Sealhenry Samuel), London ENG, pop singer (“Kissed By a Rose”, “Crazy”)
1967 [34] Benicio Del Toro, San German PR, movie actor (“Traffic”, “Snatch”, “The Pledge”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] Presidents’ Day
TODAY is “Canadian Heritage Day”, a national holiday that never quite got off the ground despite the efforts of author Pierre Berton and others.
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1906 [95] 1st ‘Corn Flakes’ go on sale (what’s the weirdest thing you’ve put on them?)
1960 [41] 1st edition of “The Family Circus” comic strip by Bil Keane (how come those darn kids never grow?)
1968 [33] “Mr Roger’s Neighborhood” debuts on TV (he recently retired and now spends his time sitting on a park bench inviting women to guess what’s holding up the puppet)
1996 [05] Canada’s new $2 coin officially released (and ‘toonie busting’, separating the two metals that make up the coin, briefly becomes a national sport)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] 2001 Grammy Awards
[Fri] International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
Brotherhood/Sisterhood Week (honoring all siblings who’ve had sex changes?)
National Sign-Up For Summer Camp Month (something to look forward to – especially for parents!)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHO WANTS TO BE ON-THE-AIR?
• What is a ‘bellwether’ — a guidance instrument on a ship, a barometer used by meteoroligists, or a castrated sheep? [It’s a castrated male sheep (a ‘wether’) which leads the flock and wears a bell around its neck.]
• Which male mammal has the greatest number of mates in a season — a rabbit, a seal, or Jesse Jackson? [The northern fur seal, which averages 40-60 mates a season.]
• What do you call that little ‘a’ with a circle surrounding it that means ‘at’ in e-mail addresses — a ‘loprigo’, an ‘upthong’, or you can call whatever you want because it has no name. [It’s most commonly referred to simply as the ‘at’ symbol, because there is no official name.]
BS HERITAGE DAY QUIZ:
• Did Calixa Lavallee write the words or the music for “O Canada”? [Music]
• Where did Guglielmo Marconi receive the first trans-Atlantic radio transmission from Cornwall, England a hundred years ago? [Signal Hill, St. John’s NF]
• Who is Canada’s ‘Head of State’? [Queen Elizabeth II. The PM is ‘Head of Government’.]
(Source: “Canadian Heritage”)
BS TAG LINE:
Kids in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
