Friday, February 16, 2001 Edition: #1993
The oldest of the baby boom generation are turning 55 THIS MONTH, and now qualify for ‘seniors discounts’ at hotels and attractions.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE GETTING OLDER WHEN . . .
• You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
• A fortune teller offers to read your face.
• When you ‘hold your head high’, it’s just to read something while wearing your bifocals.
• You ‘burn the midnight oil’ around 9pm.
• Your favorite part of the newspaper is “25 Years Ago Today . . .”
• Before going anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.
• Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
• You pay for sex and get a refund.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Word is the recent birthday party thrown by the world’s first billionaire rocker, Paul McCartney, for bride-to-be Heather Mills featured — a cash bar . . . Meantime, Sir Paul is completing work on the movie “Wingspan”, the story of his ‘70s post-Beatle group Wings, which debuts on TV in MAY along with a double CD of 40 (they had 40?) Wings songs (all of them featuring Linda on tambourine) . . . Rod Stewart’s 13-year-old daughter Ruby has such an amazing voice she’s just been snapped up by an LA record label for a 6-figure sum, but pop says she has to finish school before recording (“But dad, you’ve had girlfriends not much older!”) . . . Swedish chainsaw-maker Husqvarna is taking legal steps to stop Eminem from waving their product around as part of his stage act (now there’s a guy who could get paid for ‘non-endorsement’).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
The Chris Rock comedy “Down to Earth”, about a deceased stand-up comedian who gets a second life inhabiting another body (a remake of the 1978 Warren Beatty movie “Heaven Can Wait”, which was a remake of the 1941 film “Here Comes Mr Jordan”) . . . Keanu Reeves & Charlize Theron in the romantic comedy “Sweet November”, about a woman who invites a new man to live with her every month (a remake of a 1968 version that starred Anthony Newley & Sandy Dennis).
21ST CENTURY TERMINOLOGY:
• ‘E-Wear’ . . . Panasonic is set to market a new ‘wearable music machine’ that downloads music from the Internet. (Now when your date wants to get into your pants, it’s only to hear the new Shaggy CD.)
• ‘The Britney Effect’ . . . What dismayed educators have labelled the current pre-teen penchant for showing up at school in hip-huggers, short skirts, belly shirts and glitter makeup. (Another name for this might be – ‘Retro ‘60s’.)
WEIRD SCIENCE:
• University of Illinois researchers have developed a ‘self-healing’ form of plastic that repairs itself much like human skin. Special resin-filled capsules stored in the material constantly regenerate chemical compounds to ensure the plastic maintains its original form. (“Hey look, the Toyota grew a new fender!”)
• Due to concerns over ‘mad cow disease’, Canadian cattle producers will soon be required to identify their beef-on-the-hoof with computerized ear tags that can be scanned like bar codes. (It’s called the ‘cow chip’.)
THE BULL SHEET 02.16.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1958 [43] Ice T (Tracy Morrow), Newark NJ, TV actor (Detective Odafin ‘Fin’ Tutuola-“Law & Order: Special Victims Unit”/movie actor (“The Heist”)/hip-hop artist (‘the father of gangsta rap’)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1954 [47] Rene Russo, Burbank CA, film actress (“Adventures of Rocky & Bullwinkle”, “Tin Cup”)
1963 [38] Michael Jordan, Brooklyn NY, NBA team co-owner (Washington Wizards)/former NBA superstar (Chicago Bulls)
1966 [35] Luc Robitaille, Montreal PQ, NHL winger (LA Kings)
1972 [29] Denise Richards, Downers Grove IL, movie actress (“Valentine”, “World is Not Enough”)
1972 [29] Billie Joe Armstrong, Rodeo CA, rock singer/guitarist (Green Day-“Time of Your Life”)
1975 [26] Vaclav Prospal, Ceske Budejovice CZE, NHL center (Ottawa Senators)
1981 [20] Joseph Gordon-Levitt, LA CA, TV actor (Tommy Solomon-“3rd Rock From the Sun”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Heart 2 Heart Day”, a day to confide in your diary. Start young and before you know it, you’ll have written a whole book! (Causing endless embarrassment when you’re older.)
TODAY-February 25th the “2001 Canadian International Auto Show” wheels into Toronto’s Metro Convention Centre. About 250,000 are expected to drool over the 1000 or so vehicles.
PHONER: 905-940-2800
THIS WEEKEND is “Second Honeymoon Weekend”, set aside for all couples to spend quality time together away from ‘the grind and routine of their daily lives’.
THIS WEEKEND is the annual “Jalapeno Festival” in Laredo TX, appropriately known as the ‘Hottest Weekend of the Year’. The record for pepper popping is 141 jalapenos in 15 minutes, set back in 1979 (the winner set a record of a different kind the next morning).
PHONER: 956-722-5528/956-726-6697 (Anselmo Castro Jr)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
600 [1401] Pope Gregory the Great issues papal decree declaring ‘God Bless You’ the proper response to a sneeze (replacing “Ewww gross!”)
1990 [11] 1st issue of “Entertainment Weekly” magazine features kd lang on the cover
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Mon] Canadian Heritage Day (a day celebrated nationally with . . . um . . . er . . . nothing)
Heart Failure Awareness Week (wouldn’t you be SLIGHTLY aware if this was happening?)
International Expect Success Month (next month is ‘Admit It, You’re A Huge Failure Month’)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Is it wrong to return to your ex for one night of sex if you’re experiencing a sexual drought?” (In a “Glamour” magazine poll, a frustrated 55% say ‘no’. In fact, 47% of divorced respondents admit they’ve done it!)
• “What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever received?” (Mine was, “Don’t pay too much attention to advice you receive.”)
BS TAG LINE:
Always borrow money from pessimists — they don’t EXPECT to get it back.
