Wednesday, February 14 2001 Edition: #1991
BS SIGNS HANNIBAL LECTER WANTS TO BE YOUR VALENTINE:
• Gives you a 3-carat diamond engagement ring — on a severed finger.
• Asks you out on a date to see the movie “GladHeAteHer”.
• You find his name carved into the chest cavity of the guy you smiled at last week.
• Presents you with his mom’s still-warm heart in a Dixie cup.
• Invites you over for dinner.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Freddie Prinze Jr tells “McCall’s” mag the whole idea of Valentine’s Day is a ‘crock’ and he’s doing absolutely nothing for girlfriend Sarah Michelle Gellar TODAY (as of tomorrow, buddy — that’ll be EX-girlfriend) . . . TONIGHT Michael Jackson hosts a celebrity panel discussion at Carnegie Hall in NYC on balancing “Love, Work & Parenting”, a benefit for his charity ‘Heal the Kids’ (hey pal, getting them away from you would go a long way toward the healing) . . . THIS WEEK Madonna is shooting the video for her new single “What It Feels Like For A Girl” in LA, directed by – guess who? – hubby Guy Ritchie . . . Word is 33-year-old “VIP” star Pam Anderson has dumped underwear model Marcus Schenkenberg for 47-year-old balding balladeer Michael Bolton, whom she met (and defeated in a tequila-chug) at a celebrity bash on a yacht in the Bahamas . . . Eminem reveals he and long-suffering wife Kim are trying to have another child but admits, “It looks like I’m firing blanks” (proving M&Ms DO melt).
VALENTINE BS:
• The Catholic Church recognizes at least 3 DIFFERENT saints named Valentine, all of whom were martyred, one for performing secret weddings for young lovers. Pope Gelasius declared February 14th “St Valentine’s Day” around 498 AD.
• “Valentine’s Day” is one of the more widely celebrated UNOFFICIAL holidays. (Along with “April Fool’s Day”, “Halloween”, and “Hump Day”.)
• About 1 billion “Valentine’s Day” cards are exchanged annually, making it the largest card-sending occasion next to Christmas.
• During the Middle Ages, young singles drew names from a bowl to see who their ‘Valentine’ would be. They’d then wear the names on their sleeves for one week — hence the term ‘to wear your heart on your sleeve’. (And the later term, “Hey, you’ve got a heart on!”)
• National Retail Federation says “Valentine’s Day” is the 4th-biggest flower-selling occasion. (After weddings, funerals, and getting caught by the wife sneaking into the house at 4 am.)
• TODAY there’s a mass UNDERWATER wedding ceremony being held off Thailand’s ‘Valentine’s Island’ involving 36 couples from 28 countries. (Who are holding their breath in anticipation.)
LOVE IN CHINA:
Actual ads from personals columns in Beijing —
• “Mr Zhang, whose uncle is a county-level government official, not yet retired, seeks partner.”
• “Beautiful, well-educated girl, seeks man with monthly income over 10,000 yuan, or opportunity to go abroad.”
• “Private businessman, has apartment in the city with gas, heating and Western-style sit-down lavatory.”
THE BULL SHEET 02.14.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [67] Florence Henderson, Dale IN, TV host (“Later Today”)/former TV actress (Carol Brady-“The Brady Bunch”)
1946 [55] Gregory Hines, NYC, TV actor (Ben Doucette-“Will & Grace”)/dancer/Broadway star
1948 [53] (Raymond) Teller, Philadelphia PA, magician (the less obnoxious one-Penn & Teller)
1965 [36] Dave Lowry, Sudbury ON, NHL winger (San Jose Sharks)
1972 [29] Rob Thomas, US military base GER, rock singer (Matchbox 20-“Push”, “3 AM”), 3 Grammy Awards w/Santana-“Smooth”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Int’l] “World Marriage Day”
[Int’l] “Read to Your Child Day”
TODAY is “National Have-A-Heart Day”, when vegetarians encourage you to quit eating animals. (Especially LIVE animals, Hannibal!)
THIS MONTH is “National Snack Food Month”. In a new survey, 90% of respondents admit they are ‘snackers’. My daughter snacks on crackers and cream cheese coated with Frank’s hot sauce. What’s your favorite oddball snack?
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 After keeping his remains in a cardboard box for years, Blessed John Duns Scotus Church in Glasgow, Scotland puts the bones of St Valentine on display (other European churches also claim to have some of his relics — they should get together and build a complete saint!)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1415 [586] Oldest known Valentine sent by Duke of Orleans to his French wife while he was imprisoned in Tower of London (still on display in a British museum)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Canadian Flag Day
[Sun] Daytona 500 (Daytona Beach FL)
[Mon] Canadian Heritage Day
[Mar 4] 30th Annual Juno Awards
[Mar 12] Alberta election
International Flirting Week
Celebration Of Love Week
International Friendship Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
RECENT REAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:
• “Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say”
• “Iraqi Head Seeks Arms”
• “Miners Refuse to Work After Death”
• “Prostitutes Appeal to Pope”
• “Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over”
• “New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group”
BS TAG LINE:
Valentines are the campaign promises of the heart.
