Tuesday, February 6, 2001 Edition: #1985
MORE OF THOSE PERPLEXING BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Why is it you ‘fill in’ a form by ‘filling it out’ and an alarm clock ‘goes off’ by ‘going on’?
• Why is it the colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it?
• Why do we wait until a pig is dead to ‘cure’ it?
• If you give someone an air-conditioner as a house warming gift, is it still considered a ‘house warming’ gift?
• Do plankton lobbyists carry signs that say “Nuke the whales!”?
• If banks can count, how come they have 8 windows and only 3 tellers?
• Why is it the only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom?
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Yet another ‘reality series’ is on the way — NBC-TV plans a Spring or Summer launch for “Fear Factor”, in which 6 contestants attempt to confront challenges that involve their personal phobias (all these reality shows are giving me the fear of turning on the TV) . . . Rumors are circulating Madonna may back out of opening the “Grammy Awards” because of Eminem’s possible appearance — she’s already nixed the UK’s “Brit Awards” FEBRUARY 26 where “Slim Shady” and Britney Spears are scheduled (afraid of being upstaged, huh?) . . . Speaking of Britney — she’s just bought 2 new German Shepherd guard dogs which will accompany her everywhere once they complete an 8-week California Canine Academy security training course — at a cost of 15 grand!
WOMEN ARE TOUGHER:
According to a new University of Chicago sociology study, when a wife works outside the home more than 40 hours a week, her husband’s chances of staying healthy decline 25%. But when a husband works more than 40 hours a week, his wife’s health is not affected. (And when university professors spend 40 or more hours on a dumb study, they get a government grant!)
THE PERFECT JOB:
France’s Institute of Space Medicine is looking to pay 28 volunteers over $10,000 each to lie down on the job — for 3 months. Researchers hope ‘Project Bedrest’ will demonstrate the impact of space travel on the human body by keeping test subjects inactive in bed for 90 days. (Pick me and the wife — we’ve been inactive in bed for 15 years!)
With 1.3 billion Web pages and counting, the Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers (ICANN) has voted to add 7 new suffixes for Web sites to create more ‘real estate’ in cyberspace. By the middle of the year, ‘.biz’, ‘.info’, ‘.name’, ‘.pro’, ’.museum’, ‘.aero’ and ‘.coop’ will be added as possible suffixes. (Why do we need dot anything? Why not just call it by name?)
CRAPPY ROAD CONDITIONS:
You won’t find any rock salt on winter streets in Liverpool, England. Road maintenance officials say they’ve found a better alternative – animal poop. Seems zoo doo contains ‘urea’, which provides effective gripping when reduced to pellets. (Thanks to the neighbor’s dog, you’ll never get stuck in our back yard.)
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MONTH!THE BULL SHEET 02.06.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1911  Ronald Reagan, Tampico IL, oldest and 1st divorced US President (1981-89)
1940  Tom Brokaw, Yankton SD, TV anchor (“NBC Nightly News”, since 1982)/author (“The Greatest Generation”)
1950  Natalie Cole, LA CA, pop singer who’s won 6 Grammys (“Unforgettable”)
1957  Kathy Najimy, San Diego CA, TV actress (voice of Peggy Hill-“King of the Hill”)
1962  Axl Rose (William Bailey), Lafayette IN, rock singer (“Maximum Guns N Roses”)
1962  Richie McDonald, Lubbock TX, country singer (Lonestar-“Tell Her”, “Amazed”)
1966  Rick Astley, Warrington ENG, pop singer who has 3 huge hits in late 80s, then disappears (“Never Gonna Give You Up”, “Together Forever”, “She Wants To Dance With Me”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Dump Your Significant Jerk Day”, when you’re encouraged to terminate your loser relationship before “Valentine’s Day”. NET: http://www.sharkbaitpress.com/jerk2001.html
TODAY is “Pay-A-Compliment Day”, a time to practise the simple act of kindness and compliment a friend, co-worker or stranger. (Just before you’re sued for harassment.)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1932  1st ‘Olympic dogsled race’ as Canada and US participate in demo sport at Lake Placid NY (sure, one event we could win and they discontinue it)
1935  All-time best-selling board game ‘Monopoly’ is 1st marketed, after inventor Charles Darrow sells it to Parker Bros for a royalty
• How many houses and hotels in a standard game? (32 houses and 12 hotels.)
• How much money does each player receive to begin the game? (Just $1,500. After all, the game was invented during the Depression.)
(Source: “The Monopoly Book”)
1952  Queen Elizabeth II ascends to British throne (should she retire on the 50th anniversary?)
BS DUTIES OF THE QUEEN:
• Throwing out the first punch at British soccer riots.
• Appearing in TV ads for London Radio Shacks.
• Playing local disc jockeys in donkey basketball games for charity.
• Official model for dowdy hats.
• Making Prince Charles stop wearing sweatshirt that says, “Wanna see the Crown Jewels?”
• Posing for postage stamps.
• Kicking the Queen of Sweden’s ass in croquet.
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Wave All Your Fingers At Your Neighbors Day (instead of just the middle one)
[Sun] NBA All-Star Game (Washington DC)
National School Counselling Week
Plant The Seeds Of Greatness Month (is this some kind of pick-up line?)
BULL’S BITS . . .
Find out what it’s like to live in Hell – Hell, Michigan that is. Is your weather colder or hotter than Hell? Do they have any snowballs? Why should we all go to Hell anyway?
PHONER: 734-878-0185 (Hell Chamber of Commerce)
BS TAG LINE: The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.