Thursday, February 1, 2001 Edition: #1982
The new WWF-inspired football league, the XFL, premieres SATURDAY night on NBC-TV. The XFL encourages showboating by players and lots of camera time for cheerleaders. Unlike the NFL, the new league will NOT allow ‘fair catches’ on kick returns, and WILL allow defenders to hit quarterbacks after they’ve passed the ball. And here’s some other . . .
BS RULES IN THE XFL:
• Pre-game coin flip replaced by midget toss.
• Entire 4th quarter played in steel cage.
• Coaches allowed to distract refs twice during each half.
• Players on sidelines can assist if tagged.
• Games can and will be interrupted by 3rd team.
• Instead of requesting instant replays, players can put refs in submission holds until calls are changed.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT NBC-TV begins running expanded episodes of “Friends” (10 extra minutes of laugh-track hilarity) followed by live skits by the “Saturday Night Live” cast in an attempt to fight CBS-TV’s “Survivor II” which is beginning its regular Thursday night slot (a better idea — why not start voting people off “Friends”?) . . . Leonardo DiCaprio has revealed the long-kept secret that his middle name is ‘Wilhelm’ (please join me in a giant group yawn) . . . “Heat” mag says the Beatles were pop music’s top earners in 2000, raking in $80 million — 30 years after they broke up! . . . Self-professed mentalist Uri Geller, who claims to bend spoons with his mind, has asked Michael Jackson to be the best man at his upcoming wedding (because he’s also really bent) . . . George Clooney is now reportedly sharing his Hollywood digs with 25-year-old British underwear model Lisa Snowden, who claims she keeps in shape with her favorite workout — sex (geez, life’s tough, George!).
MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
Tom Cruise will star as “The War Magician”, a real-life magician who aided the Allies in World War 2, but only if he can fit another $25-million cheque into his extremely tight schedule . . . “Mr Bean” actor Rowan Atkinson is in talks to play the villain in the upcoming live-action version of “Scooby Doo”, which stars Freddie Prinze Jr and Sarah Michelle Gellar (he’ll only sign if his teddy bear gets its own trailer) . . . 22-year-old singer Aaliyah has signed to appear in the 2 sequels to the thriller “The Matrix”, playing a character named ‘Zee’.
If we could shrink Earth’s population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing ratios remaining the same . . .
• There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from North & South America, and 8 Africans.
• 52 would be female, 48 would be male.
• 70 would be non-white, 30 would be white.
• 70 would be non-Christian, 30 would be Christian.
• 89 would be heterosexual, 11 would be homosexual.
• 80 would live in substandard housing.
• 70 would be unable to read.
• 50 would suffer from malnutrition.
• 6 people would possess over 50% of the entire world’s wealth.
• 1 would have a college education.
• 1 would own a computer.
(Source: “Parkinson’s List “)
THE BULL SHEET 02.01.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1931  Boris Yeltsin, Sverdlovsk RUS, former President of Russia (9 years ago TODAY  he and President George Bush declare the official end to the ‘Cold War’)
1965  Princess Stephanie (Marie Elisabeth) of Monaco, Monte Carlo MON, idle rich girl
1968  Lisa Marie Presley, Memphis TN, Elvis Presley’s idle rich daughter
1968  Mark Recchi, Kamloops BC, NHL winger (Philadelphia Flyers)
1968  Pauly Shore, Hollywood CA, bad movie actor (“Encino Man”, “Bio-Dome”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
An equestrian show jumping event beginning TODAY in Zurich, Switzerland will feature the 1st ‘show-jumping cow’. ‘Sybille’ the cow has been impressing observers with her ability to clear wooden hurdles. (For sheer audience excitement, this is the Swiss equivalent of a monster truck rally.)
TODAY is “Robinson Crusoe Day”, commemorating the rescue on this date in 1709 of Scottish sailor Alexander Selkirk, who had been put ashore on a desert island 4½ years earlier at his own request following an argument with his captain. His adventures formed the basis of Daniel Defoe’s novel “Robinson Crusoe”. (Asked how he passed the time he said, “Talking to ‘Wilson’ the volleyball.”)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1898  1st ‘auto insurance’ (Dr Truman Martin of Buffalo NY pays $11.25 for $5,000 in liability coverage)
1920  Royal Northwest Mounted Police merge with Dominion Police to form ‘RCMP’
1968  Canadian Army, Navy and Air Force merge to become ‘Canadian Armed Forces’ (but we still call them ‘army guys’)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Groundhog Day
[Sat] National Men’s Grooming Day (yep, happens once every year)
[Sun] 51st NHL All-Star Game (Denver)
National Wild Bird Feeding Month (but not those damn Canada geese!)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SFX THEATER
You read the story, line by line, while a caller or guest provides the sound effects. Today’s story is called “Doing the Laundry” . . .
You set the dial on your washing machine for a normal load (SFX). Then you pull the knob on the washer to start the cycle (SFX). You pour the liquid laundry detergenct into a measuring cup (SFX), then toss it in (SFX). As you load in the clothes, you get a whiff of your son’s sweaty athletic socks (SFX). You stop loading when you come across a pair of pants that jingles (SFX). You reach in the front pocket and happily find not only some change but a $20 bill (SFX). Just then, your husband calls downstairs and asks if you happened to see his 20 (SFX). To which you say (set the SFX person up to say “20, what 20?”).
Q: You are eating something made of hydrolyzed collagen, which is partially decomposed protein taken from the hides, hooves, bones and connective tissue of cows and pigs. The protein in these materials is broken down with an alkaline solution and then extracted with hot water. What are you eating?
A: Yum yum! It’s ‘Jell-O’. (Source: “Useless Digest”)
BS TAG LINE: I WISH the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.