Monday, February 28, 2000                                       Edition:  #1752

BS SIGNS YOU’VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO:
• Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
• Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of “War and Peace”.
• You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
• Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
• Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
• The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
• Plan covers only “group” gynecological exams.
• Recycled bandages.
• Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• Britain’s “Sun” reports “Titanic star Kate Winslet is due to give birth to her first child with director/hubby Jim Threapleton. (Instead of Ultrasound, she had a charcoal sketch done.)
• “Extra, Extra!” says so far the entertainment industry has given Hillary Clinton over $400,000 toward her Senate race. Among the contributors – Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs! (Who bribed her not to tell.)
• According to “Star”, Ben Affleck and Gwyneth Paltrow have reportedly been spotted together at LA’s top strip club and even bought a few $25 table dances. And “Star” also reports that Jennifer Aniston is studying how to become a stripper in order to please her steady Brad Pitt. (A-peeling actresses.)
• “Globe” says frisky heir-to-the-throne Prince William was recently seen “thrusting his hips, gyrating, and clapping his hands above his head” with a big busty blonde barmaid! (The prince says it was merely an impression of ‘grandma eating some bad clams’.)
• And because you need to know, “National Enquirer” reveals the earth-shattering news that Calista Flockhart is now dating her personal trainer. (The guy who got her down to 60 lbs.)

BIKINIS IN RELIEF:
Have you noticed? “Sports Illustrated’s” new annual swimsuit edition is in 3-D. You need special glasses to see — the effects. (See page 49 for a view of the Himalayas.)

THE DEVIL MADE HIM DO IT:
Web auction house eBay has banned a man from ‘selling his soul’ to the highest bidder on the grounds there is no proof the item actually exists. (George W Bush now says he’ll look for alternate means to increase his dwindling war chest.)

WASTE OF BOOZE:
A recent campus survey finds fully 15% of college women admit to getting a man drunk in order to “take advantage of him”. (Like they really had to bother?)

FAMILIAR WITH FAKES:
In a “Men’s Health” magazine survey, 91% of guys say they know a woman with breast implants. Seems unlikely, because only 1 woman in 65 has ’em. (Then again — maybe they all know her!)

MY ‘DATE’ SATURDAY HAD BOTH ON HER MIND:
According to a “Money” magazine poll, 47% of us think about money more than sex, while 17% think of sex more often than money. (And where do these people hide out?)

THE BULL SHEET 02.28.00

TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1948    [52] Mercedes Ruehl, Queens NY, film actress (The Fisher King, Big)/TV actress (Kate Costas the station manager-Frasier)
1955    [45] Gilbert Gottfried, Brooklyn NY, whiny-voiced movie actor (Doctor Dolittle, Aladdin)/lying comedian (ex-SNL)
1957    [43] Cindy Wilson, Athens GA, classic rock singer (B52s-Love Shack)
1957    [43] John Turturro, Brooklyn NY, movie actor (Summer of Sam, Quiz Show)
1970    [30] Tangi Miller, Miami FL, TV actress (Elena Tyler-Felicity)
1973    [27] Eric Lindros, London ON, 6′-4″, 230-lb NHL all-star center (Philadelphia Flyers)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
Today is “Public Sleeping Day”. If it has anything to do with sleeping with the public, then Charlie Sheen must be the poster boy.

Today is “Floral Design Day”, a day to commemorate floral designing as an art form.

According to ancient custom, February 29th is the one day out of every 1,460 when a woman can ask a man to marry her. In fact, Scotland passed a law in 1288 making it illegal for a legitimate bachelor to refuse a woman’s hand on this day. So single guys beware, “Bachelors’ Day” is tomorrow!

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1994    “Brady Handgun Violence Prevention Act” goes into effect, requiring background checks on all handgun purchasers (“Have you ever worked for the US Postal Service?”)
1996    Princess Diana agrees to divorce Prince Charles
1998    Celine Dion’s “Titanic” hit “My Heart Will Go On” peaks at #1

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1854    [146] ‘Republican Party’ founded in Ripon WI
1935    [65] 1st ‘lobotomy’ performed (because there was a shortage of pro wrestling fans)
1935    [65] ‘Nylon’ 1st discovered by Wallace Carothers (actually by his wife in the glove compartment)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1983    [17] Record 122 million watch 2½-hour final episode of M*A*S*H (most viewers ever for a single episode of a TV series)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Surf and Turf Day
[Tues] International Underlings Day
[Tues] Twenty-Niner Day
Telecommuter Appreciation Week
Wise Health Consumer Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTERS:
☎ “Who do you think is TV’s steamiest female star?”
☎ “What things that are legal do you think shouldn’t be?”

THE LAST WORD:
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities, without your help.