Friday, February 25, 2000 Edition: #1751
BS SIGNS YOUR WIFE’S BORED WITH YOUR SEX LIFE:
• During the act, she yells out, “Oh baby, yadda, yadda, yadda . . .”
• Only moans during commercial breaks.
• She actually answers when you ask “Who’s your daddy?”
• Instead of moaning while making love she’s moaning ABOUT making love.
• She’s been using your toothbrush — to scrub tile grout.
• That’s not candlelight, it’s dynamite!
• Every morning’s the same: Wake up, have a coffee, roll up your sleeping bag on the couch.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
That planned Supremes reunion this summer is off due to feuding between Diana Ross and Mary Wilson (it’s deja vu all over again) . . . Sad to see the tragic and still-unsolved murder of JonBenet Ramsey has been reduced to a CBS-TV mini-series starting Sunday (“Perfect Murder: Perfect Town”) . . . Britney Spears’ 2nd album due in May will feature her version of the Rolling Stones‘ classic “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction” (geez if she can’t, the rest of us might as well give up!).
MOVIES OPENING TODAY:
Sophia Adella Hernandez plays a young Latina woman who tries to continue her father’s dream and become a boxing champion in the drama “Knockout” . . . Ex-con Ben Affleck is blackmailed into one last job on a casino heist in “Reindeer Games” . . . Michael Douglas stars as an English professor who teams up with a student to track down a rare jacket once owned by Marilyn Monroe in the comedy “Wonder Boys”.
OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD SEX:
French astronomer Pierre Kohler’s new book “The Final Mission” alleges there have been secret experiments involving different sexual positions in zero-gravity conditions. NASA vehemently denies any such test trysts have been tried, but space flight experts believe that sexual activity in space has likely occurred. (Biggest problem – figuring out who’s on ‘top’.)
SMIRNOFF RIP-OFF:
Today in Russia, the price of vodka is going up. A liter of the lowest-quality rot-gut will now cost 62 rubles — only about $2.10 — but that’s up about 30%. Since news of the increase first broke, Russians have been lining up outside stores to stock up. (For 10 bucks you can drink enough to become president.)
YOU NEED A ‘LIFELINE’ TO EINSTEIN:
The insurance company that underwrites the US version of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” says the questions are WAY to easy compared to the original British version — and it may be right. Two samples from the Brit version: “What is the title of the 3rd part of TS Eliot’s ‘The Waste Land’?”, and – try this one on – “What is the SI unit of magnetic flux density?”
NEW GIZMOS AND GADGETS:
• Ford claims to be the first auto company to use an ‘electronic nose’ for quality control. It’s trained to recognize what’s an acceptable smell and what isn’t. (We need one of these at the studio door when [your co-host] shows up.)
• Hasbro has announced it will market a John F Kennedy ‘GI Joe’ action figure equipped in WWII gear. (We need a JFK doll like we need a hole in the head.)
THE BULL SHEET 02.25.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [57] George Harrison, Liverpool ENG, recovering rock musician (Beatles-Let It Be)
1967 [33] Carrot Top (Scott Thompson), clown-haired comedian who relies on wacky props
1973 [27] Justin Jeffre, Mt Clemens MI, pop singer (98 Degrees-I Do Cherish You, Hardest Thing)
1974 [26] Shannon Stewart, Cincinnati OH, MLB player (Toronto Blue Jays)
1986 [14] Justin Berfield, CA, TV actor (Reese-Malcolm in the Middle)
SATURDAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1920 [80] Tony Randall (Leonard Rosenberg), Tulsa OK, film/TV actor (The Odd Couple)
1932 [68] Johnny Cash, Kingsland AR, country legend afflicted with a form of Parkinson’s Disease
1954 [46] Michael Bolton, New Haven CT, overwrought pop singer (When a Man Loves a Woman)
1958 [42] Greg Germann, Houston TX, TV actor (Richard Fish-Ally McBeal)
SUNDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1932 [68] Elizabeth Taylor, London ENG, film actress (Oscars-Butterfield 8, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf)/AIDS activist (AMFAR)/wed 8 times
1971 [29] Rozonda ‘Chilli’ Thomas, pop/R&B singer (TLC-No Scrubs, Unpretty, Waterfalls)
1980 [20] Chelsea Clinton, Little Rock AR, only child of Bill & Hillary/master of Socks
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Sunday is officially “No Brainer Day”, when we’re encouraged to slack off and play hooky. Any activity attempted should be something done without serious thought — a ‘no brainer’ activity.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1991 Bruce McNall, Wayne Gretzky and John Candy buy CFL’s Toronto Argonauts
1998 Pam Anderson has husband Tommy Lee arrested on battery charges
1998 Bob Dylan inexplicably wins 3 Grammy Awards
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1859 [141] 1st use of ‘insanity plea’ to prove innocence
1940 [60] 1st televised hockey game (NY Rangers vs Montréal Canadiens)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] National Pistachio Day
[Mon] Federal Budget Day
[Tues] Bachelor’s Day
[Tues] Leap Year Day.
International Friendship Week
Plant the Seeds of Greatness Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONER STARTER:
• “If a male contraceptive pill were available, would you trust your man to take it?” (A new international poll in the journal “Human Reproduction” finds that two-thirds of men would use a pill, and only 2% of women would NOT trust their partners to take it.)
• “What’s the absolute weirdest herbal or natural cure you’ve ever tried? Did it work?”
THE LAST WORD:
When opportunity knocks, some people are in the back yard looking for four-leaf clovers.
