Wednesday, February 9, 2000 Edition: #1739
BS SIGNS YOU’RE BURNT OUT AT WORK:
• Your friends call to ask how you are, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back, jerk!”
• In your latest one-page performance report, the word ‘sucks’ appears 17 times.
• Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through — Monday.
• Your day timer exploded a week ago.
• You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
• Your garbage can is your ‘in’ box.
• You’re so tired you can now only muster the energy to answer the phone, “Hell.”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Backstreet Boys have a new deal with artist Stan Lee of Marvel Comics fame to develop BSB comic books and cartoons . . . “Spin City” producers want Charlie Sheen to replace Michael J Fox so badly, they’re willing to move production from NYC to LA (so Charlie won’t have to start a new list of call girls) . . . Catherine Zeta-Jones says she’ll keep her hyphenated name and add her hubby’s to it when she weds Michael Douglas, making her Catherine Zeta-Jones Douglas (she’s already ordered a special fold-out driver’s license) . . . MTV is picking up a show called “True Confessions”, where teens reveal their deepest secrets in a mobile confession booth set up in malls. (“That Jennifer is SUCH a slut!”).
RODMAN REGRETTABLY RETURNS:
Tonight Dennis Rodman is scheduled to debut with his latest NBA team, the Dallas Mavericks, in Seattle. His new contract allows him to live in the team owner’s guest house, ride an exercise bike instead of going to practice, and show up later than teammates for games. What are the odds he’ll actually show up tonight? (What day do you want in the pool for when he screws up and gets canned.?)
COLD ENOUGH FOR YA?
Environment Canada is overhauling the complicated formula used to calculate the ‘wind chill index’. A new method should be in place within 6 months. (The new system will grade temps on a scale from ‘well digger’s boot’ to ‘witch’s bit’. You can tell it’s REALLY cold when the CN Tower is only 5 feet tall.)
DON CHERRY AIN’T HAPPY:
Ivan Hlinka of the Czech Republic will be the first European coach in NHL history, having just signed a long-term deal with the Pittsburgh Penguins. (But Pens’ owner Mario Lemieux has made it clear that unless the team starts winning soon, Ivan’s a cancelled Czech.)
THINK POSITIVE!
Mayo Clinic researchers say that a 3-decade study has found that optimistic people live about 19% longer than pessimists. (“Yeah, but it probably won’t work for me.”)
LIVING IN SIN:
A new study in “Review of Sociology” finds that ‘living in sin’ is now the norm in North America. Over 30 years, cohabitation without marriage has gone from 10% of households to over 50%. About 55% of cohabiting couples eventually marry, but 40% end their relationship within 5 years. (The other 5% remain single after finding out that the incessant, tedious grind of being stuck with someone’s annoying habits day after day after day can drive you STARK RAVING MAD!!!!! . . . oh sorry.)
THE BULL SHEET 02.09.00
TODAY’S CELEB BIRTHDAYS . . .
1936 [64] Stompin’ Tom Connors, Skinner’s Pond PEI, Canadian icon (Hockey Song, Bud the Spud)
1943 [57] Joe Pesci, Newark NJ, movie actor (Lethal Weapon, Home Alone, My Cousin Vinny)
1945 [55] Mia Farrow, LA CA, movie actress (Hannah & Her Sisters, Rosemary’s Baby)/mother of 13/Woody Allen’s ex-
1963 [37] Travis Tritt, Marietta GA, country singer (Here’s A Quarter, Country Club)
1974 [26] John Wallace, Rochester NY, NBA player (Toronto Raptors)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[New Zealand] America’s Cup Finals begin
[RC] St Apollonia’s Day (patron saint of dentists & those suffering toothaches)
Today is “International Sing-Out Day”, a day to break out into song whenever you feel like it — just like they do in the musicals. (Oh what a beautiful moooorrr – ninggggg . . .”)
And it’s “National DAV Day”, which stands for ‘Develop Alternative Vices’. (I’m giving up biting my nails and taking up heroin.)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1996 Celine Dion releases hit single “Because You Loved Me”
1999 Premier Brian Tobin wins re-election in Newfoundland
1999 Jerry Falwell tries to ‘out’ “Tinky Winky”, suggesting the purple, purse-toting “Teletubbies” character is gay
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1893 [107] 1st ‘striptease’ (artist’s model ‘Mona’ disrobes during beauty contest at Paris’ Moulin Rouge)
1966 [34] 1st NHL expansion (to 6 American markets)
1997 [03] 1st NHL coach to win 1,000 games (Scotty Bowman-Detroit Red Wings)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1992 [08] World’s fastest yodeller records 22 tones in single second (Thomas School-GER)
1996 [04] Canada’s Donovan Bailey sets world record for 50-meter dash (5.56 secs)
1997 [03] “The Simpsons” becomes longest-running prime-time animation series, surpassing “The Flintstones” NOTE: The people who voice “The Simpsons” are saluted at the “6th Annual US Comedy Arts Festival” today through Sunday in Aspen CO
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Don’t Cry Over Spilled Milk Day
[Sun] Final original “Peanuts” comic strip
Love May Make The World Go Round But Laughter Keeps Us From Getting Dizzy Week
International Embroidery Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTER:
“What’s the absolute WORST Valentine gift you ever received?” (An new online poll suggests the worst Valentine’s Day gifts would be roses — with a card for another woman, a Nordic Trac, or a book on making love.)
THE LAST WORD: A closed mouth gathers no foot.
