Monday, February 7, 2000 Edition: #1737
The WWF has announced it’s starting a new “football with attitude” spring league called the ‘XFL’ to be launched in February, 2001.
BS PROPOSED RULES FOR THE ‘XFL’:
• Instead of coin toss, game begins when one opponent opens up a can of whoop-ass on the other.
• 3 points for a field goal, 6 points for a TD, 27 points for a ‘Stone Cold Stunner’.
• Entire playing field surrounded by rope fence.
• Players may not come out of the dressing room until they hear their theme.
• Backfield includes a quarterback, a half-nelson and a full-nelson.
• Instead of the ball, the guy who gets the TD gets spiked.
• Tackle only valid when player is in a sleeper hold for a three-count.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• Britney Spears tells “People” magazine the down side of being so sexy and popular is that boys her age are “intimidated” by her, and can’t even bring themselves to “come up to me at parties and chitchat.” (The navel destroyer — it leaves boys speechless.)
• “Extra Extra!” notes the weekend opening of “Scream 3″ took place on just over 3,400 movie screens in North America, setting an all-time record. (For 680,352 people wetting themselves simultaneously.)
• “Variety” reports David Letterman may return to “The Late Show” on Valentine’s Day, since it was a HEART problem that sidelined him the past few weeks. (Or he may pick May 14th, as it was one MOTHER of a bypass operation.)
• According to “National Enquirer”, actor Jan Michael Vincent was rushed to the hospital suffering from sexual arousal that just wouldn’t go away for 4 entire days. ([Your co-host’s] wife would be happy with 4 minutes.)
• It’s “Star Trek: The Next Generation”! James Doohan, ‘Scotty’ on the original “Star Trek”, and his wife are expecting a baby girl April 1st (no foolin’). The new-dad-to-be turns 80 next month! (The new baby will be just like dad — wrinkled and slobbering in wet diapers.)
ONLY IN CANADA:
• The newly-formed Canadian Conservative Reform Alliance Party is looking into changing its name because the acronym C-CRAP (as we predicted) has caused much embarrassment. (Now they’re looking at the ‘Conservative Action Canadian Alliance’.)
• An Edmonton taxpayers’ watchdog group says it’s time for a criminal investigation into that $1 billion in public money apparently mishandled by Human Resources Minister Jane Stewart. (In related news, the soon-to-retire Stewart is being considered as host for a new Canadian version of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?”)
EYE OF THE TIGER:
Tiger Woods confirms he’s had laser surgery to correct vision. A spokesman for the clinic that did the job says it’s amazing Tiger’s been able to achieve so much in golf, considering he had TERRIBLE VISION. (In related news, the rest of the PGA Tour announced retirement.)
EATING THE WORM:
Scientists in China claim that eating live, hairy ‘fu-wen’ caterpillars will extend your life up to 30 years because they contain powerful anti-aging chemicals. Disgusting? You bet! In order to get participants for a 2-month study, they had to pay them huge amounts of money!
THE BULL SHEET 02.07.00
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1962 [38] Garth Brooks, Tulsa OK, country superstar (Lost in You, In the Life of Chris Gaines) NOTE: He’ll participate in baseball spring training again, this time with the Mets
1966 [34] Chris Rock, Jamestown SC, comedian/movie actor (Dogma, Lethal Weapon 4)
1978 [22] Ashton Kutcher, Cedar Rapids IA, TV actor (Michael Kelso-That ’70s Show)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Tomorrow is “Clean Out Your Computer Day”, a day for purging and organizing your computer files. Ask listeners for the weirdest thing stored on their PCs.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1994 Chicago Bull Michael Jordan signs contract to play baseball with Chicago White Sox
1998 18th Winter Olympics open in Nagano, Japan
1999 Mel Gibson in “Payback” is the favorite film
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1875 [125] 1st ‘tattooing machine’ (next day, 4,372 sailors ask themselves, “What the hell’d I DO last night?”)
1964 [36] The Beatles 1st North American tour begins in NYC, the so-called ‘British Invasion’
1988 [12] 1st episode of “America’s Most Wanted” on FOX-TV
AND REMEMBER . . .
[1 week today] Valentines Day
[Tues] Fly a Kite Day
[Wed] America’s Cup Finals begin (New Zealand)
Freelance Writers Appreciation Week
Black History Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
PHONE STARTER:
“Which celebrity has the best hair?” (According to the latest ‘Best Tressed Celebrity Survey’, the top females are Julia Roberts (movies), Oprah Winfrey (TV), and Shania Twain (music). Harrison Ford, Drew Carey, and Ricky Martin top the men’s list. (Wait a second, Drew Carey?)
BS SPORTS QUIZ:
Q: 24 years ago today (1976), Toronto Maple Leaf Darryl Sittler scored an NHL-record 10 points in a single game, including 6 goals. What team was he playing against – Boston, Montreal, or Carolina?
A: The Boston Bruins.
Q: Who was the first $100,000 per year baseball player — Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, or Willy Mays?
A: Joe DiMaggio, who signed the contract with the NY Yankees 51 years ago today (1949).
Q: In 1895, Holyoke MA YMCA director William Morgan invented a game that he called ‘mintonette’. What do we call it these days – floor hockey, volleyball, or badminton?
A: Volleyball.
(Source: Grolier’s Encyclopedia)
THE LAST WORD:
If you owe the bank $100, that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem. (John Paul Getty)
