Ah, the Sweet Smell of BS!
WEEKEND TABLOID & BLOG BS:
• Interesting what a review of the last 3 years of celebrity magazines reveals. If you believe the headlines, Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie have been married twice and split up 20 times; Brad’s gone back to Jennifer Aniston 8 times; Jen’s been over Brad 3 times, yet she’s still been pining for him 16 times. Oh, and she was pregnant with his baby last August … except she doesn’t seem to be. And Brad refused to have any more kids with Angelina just 5 months before their twins were born. He started drinking to excess last January, and in March, and again after Christmas. More details here …
• The Parents Television Council (PTC) is urging “American Idol” NOT to hire Howard Stern to replace Simon Cowell as the show’s #1 judge, claiming the shock jock is simply too controversial. Stern recently confirmed he’s been in talks to take over. In a statement, the PTC president says that adding Stern would spell ‘immediate death for one of the best franchises in family entertainment’. (We disagree. That happened when Simon announced he’s leaving.)
• Saturday the Vatican newspaper published its picks for pop-rock paradise, ranging from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” to Pink Floyd’s “The Dark Side Of the Moon” and The Beatles’ “Revolver”. Among other albums “L’Osservatore Romano” calls ‘classics to pack for a desert island’: Paul Simon’s “Graceland”; Santana’s “Supernatural”; David Crosby’s “If I Could Only Remember My Name”; Fleetwood Mac’s “Rumours”; Donald Fagen’s “Nightfly”; U2’s “Achtung Baby”; and “(What’s the Story) Morning Glory” by Oasis. (What’s next, a weekly ‘Papal Pop Picks’ column?)
• Here’s the latest spin on 51-year-old “30 Rock” star Alec Baldwin’s admission to a NYC hospital Thursday night: He was talking on the phone to 14-year-old daughter Ireland who was in LA; they got into an argument and he hung up; when she tried to call back and couldn’t reach him, she panicked and called 9-1-1. His rep says the hospital checkup was merely a ‘misunderstanding’ and denies Baldwin was intoxicated. (Hmm, something’s fishy here. Why wouldn’t he just tell the paramedics all this when they showed up at his door?)
• 28-year-old hottie actress Jessica Alba says she’ll never bare all onscreen because her Catholic upbringing has left her too self-conscious to show off her body. She admits she’s happy to take on sexy roles and don revealing outfits in movies but vows she’ll never do a nude scene. Quote: “I can handle being sexy with clothes on … but not with them off.” (BS translation: I’ve still got some post-birthing stretch marks.)
– “Scarlet Magazine”
• Saturday animal rights activists protested outside the Broadway play “A Little Night Music” over the wardrobe choices of star Catherine Zeta-Jones. A statement from People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) explains: “With her creepy cow-skin pants, ugly fox coat, and icky alligator bag, Catherine Zeta-Jones looks like she’s working her way through Noah’s ark with a knife. Maybe she’s trying to get into character for an upcoming role as a serial killer … or a taxidermist”. (Jay Leno could use whoever’s writing this stuff!)
– “Access Hollywood”
TODAY’S SHOW BIZ SKED:
• “Ellen DeGeneres Show” (syndicated/A Channel) – Rihanna (“Rated R”).
• “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS) – Fanfarlo (“Reservoir”).
• “The View” (ABC/CTV) – Orianthi (“Believe”).
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Black Eyed Peas – Their March 30th “The END World Tour” gig in LA will be screened live in 500 movie theaters alongside a half-hour of behind-the-scenes footage. Tickets will be $15.
• Gloria Estefan – She’s planning to bring together a host of Latin stars to record “We Are the World” in Spanish (“Somos El Mundo”) to further boost Haiti relief efforts. Among those said to be involved: Enrique Iglesias, Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony, Ricky Martin, and Shakira.
• Ke$ha – Despite international stardom the “TiK ToK” singer says she has no problem keeping it real because she remembers only to well when she used to have to sell her clothes to buy food. Her first purchase since hitting it big? A 1998 Honda.
• The Killers – Last month they cancelled their Asian tour and now the Australian leg has been axed but they deny it means they’re splitting up. The problem: ‘Illness of a close family member’.
• Madonna – This week she’s in NYC to shoot an episode of Jerry Seinfeld’s new reality TV series, “The Marriage Ref” (NBC), in which a celebrity panel picks the winner of domestic disputes between real-life feuding couples. The series debuts February 28th.
• Trace Adkins – A crash involving his band’s tour bus killed 2 people in another vehicle Saturday morning in Louisiana. Adkins was not on the bus, and none of the injuries to his band members was serious, although 5 were hospitalized. After a solo acoustic set in Bossier City LA Saturday night, Adkins scrapped Sunday’s planned concert in Pensacola FL.
TODAY’S WORST SINGERS:
Here’s a great little argument starter. They may have charisma and the ability to sell a lyric but, when it comes to singing live, these folks have trouble carrying a tune in tune …
5. Britney Spears: She’s done pretty well with a minimum of vocal talent, but when you choose to lip-sync just so you can pull off dance moves … you’re simply not a singer.
4. Madonna: She’s taken a meager amount of ability and parlayed it into an empire. But seriously, nobody is going to mistake her for Beyoncé anytime soon.
3. Anthony Kiedis: The Red Hot Chili Peppers frontman is truly a triple threat … he can barely hold a note, he’s a terrible rapper, and his lyrics are rhyming-dictionary gobbledygook.
2. Chad Kroeger: Nickelback’s frontman may not have invented that post-grunge, moose-in-heat bellow he relies on, but nobody does it better … or should that be worse?
1. Taylor Swift: She’s sold millions of albums; won 4 Grammys; dated a Jonas brother and a “Twilight” star. The one thing the 20-year-old superstar can’t seem to do is … sing live.
Dishonorable mention: Ashlee Simpson, Justin Bieber, Lil Wayne, Paris Hilton.
– Excerpted from Jam! Showbiz
British scientists have created a mouse that can … catch a cold. Rhino-viruses usually only affect humans and chimpanzees, and that’s been a significant obstacle in developing effective treatments. The researchers hope the recently infected mice will provide the models to find new treatments for the common cold, as well as for more potentially dangerous illnesses such as acute attacks of asthma. (The first treatment they’re trying is teeny little bowls of chicken soup.)
NO LONGER HOVERING:
The man who invented the ‘Frisbee’, one of the world’s most popular toys, has died at his home in Monroe, Utah at age 90. Walter Frederick Morrison conceived and developed his aerodynamic plastic disc in the 1950s after he and future wife Lu got the idea while playing with a metal cake pan on the beach. He originally called his toy the ‘Pluto Platter’ and sold it at local fairs. In 1957 he sold the rights to Wham-O. Hundreds-of-millions have sold worldwide since.
– Yahoo! News
FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
A statistical breakdown of life by the numbers …
• 56% of female employees & 39% of males admit to peeking at a co-worker’s pay stub.
• 50% of women surveyed pick ‘sleeping’ as the thing that makes them happiest.
• 34% of us say the Internet is their biggest time-waster at work.
• 25% of us admit to not reading a book in at least a year.
• 16% of women blame their work for their boring sex lives.
• 10% of office workers have a ‘work spouse’, someone they share experiences with on-the-job.
MMM, NICE HUMPS!
The United Arab Emirates recently held the largest-ever beauty contest … for camels. In the remote Western Region some 28,000 of the beasts were gathered for the 10-day “al-Dhafra Festival” to compete for prizes totaling $10 million. A handful of judges sifted through pens picking out the top talent. So what makes a camel pretty? Most important are a big head, firm ears, broad cheeks, and big whiskers. A true beauty should also have a long neck and body, and a big hump. Color and posture are also factors. Most of the competitors are female because … females look better. (Just like humans!)
– “Magazine Monitor”
DID YOU KNOW?
• Vancouver 2010 is not the first time there has been a snow shortage at the Winter Olympics. At the 1964 Innsbruck Games there was also a lack of the white stuff. The Austrian army carved out 20,000 blocks of ice from the mountainside and took it to the bobsled and luge tracks, as well as transporting 1.4 million cubic feet of snow to the ski slopes.
– BBC News Magazine
• ‘Karaoke Rage’ has claimed more than a dozen lives in the Philippines, most often during renditions of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way”. What normally sets off the violence – singing the lounge classic badly or with ‘too much defiance’.
BS CHRONOMETER 02.15.10
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1951  Jane Seymour, Hayes UK, TV personality (“Dancing With the Stars” 2007)/movie actress (“Wedding Crashers”)/former TV actress (“Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman” 1993-98)
1954  Matt Groening, Portland OR, animator/TV show creator (“The Simpsons” since 1989)
1955  Janice Dickinson, Brooklyn NY, TV personality (“The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency” since 2006, “America’s Next Top Model” 2003-06)/self-proclaimed ‘original supermodel’
1976  Brandon Boyd, Van Nuys CA, rock singer (Incubus-“Oil & Water”, “Anna-Molly”)
1976  Ronnie Vannucci Jr, Las Vegas NV, rock drummer (The Killers-“When You Were Young”, “Mr Brightside”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “American International Toy Fair”, the largest toy trade show in the Western Hemisphere, through Wednesday in NYC. More than 1,500 toy makers unveil the stuff we’ll be scrambling for this coming holiday season. ‘Zhu Zhu Pets’ has been declared overall winner at the show’s ‘2010 Toy Of the Year Awards’. Other winners here …
• “Chinese New Year” arrived yesterday, welcomed by the scent of incense from lighted joss sticks, dragon dances, and fireworks. The Chinese year 4708 is a ‘Year Of the Tiger’. The 15-day celebration is marked by wearing new clothing, hanging red decorations, and gifting lucky red packets to the young. A traditional greeting is ‘Gung Hay Fah Choy’ (Happy New Year).
• “Family Day”, an official Canadian holiday in Alberta on the 3rd Monday of February since 1990. Saskatchewan adopted the idea in 2007 and Ontario added the mid-winter break in 2008. Manitoba celebrates the holiday as “Louis Riel Day”.
• “National Flag of Canada Day”, the 14th annual official celebration of Canada’s maple leaf flag. It was first unveiled on Parliament Hill in 1965, replacing the ‘Red Ensign’.
• “Shrove Monday”, also known as “Collop Monday”, “Rose Monday”, “Merry Monday” or “Hall Monday”. The Monday before Ash Wednesday is part of the traditional English “Shrovetide” celebration in the week before Lent and also part of Carnival celebrations in many parts of the world, from Greece to Germany to the New Orleans Mardi Gras and Rio de Janeiro Carnival.
• “Singles Awareness Day”, observed on the day after “Valentines Day” as a day for singles to give each other gifts and to celebrate and enjoy the fact that they’re unattached.
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
2000  Controversial FOX-TV special “Who Wants to Marry a Multimillionaire” airs, giving Darva Conger & Rick Rockwell their allotted 15 minutes of fame
2004  “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”, starring Ty Pennington, debuts (ABC)
2005  Quickly popular online video-sharing site YouTube is launched (later to be swallowed up by Google)
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1907  “Happy Birthday to You” is copyrighted by Patty & Mildred Hill, so we say Happy Birthday to “Happy Birthday” … likely the world’s most-sung song! (BS FACTOID: Warner Chappell purchased the company owning the copyright in 1990 and claims it’s due royalties for any public performance. As of February 2010, these royalties are said to amount to … $700.)
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1903  1st ‘Teddy Bear’ introduced by Morris & Rose Michtom (named after US President Theodore ‘Teddy’ Roosevelt)
COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Pancake Day / Mardi Gras / Shrove Tuesday
[Tues] BRIT Awards (London)
[Tues] Plastic Ono Band concert (NYC)
[Wed] Ash Wednesday
[Thurs] Battery Day
[Thurs] Introduce a Girl to Engineering Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Alzheimers & Dementia Awareness Week / Condom Week / Engineers Week / International Friendship Week / Love a Mench Week / Pancake Week / Shrovetide
BEST OF BS:
A highlight bit culled from 16 years of “Bull Sheet” back issues …
MOST USELESS BS INVENTIONS:
• Cat Flap for the Fridge
• Flavored Suppositories
• Ice Skate Sandals, for Use in Hot Climates
• Inflatable Dartboard
• Open-Toed Safety Shoes
• Reversible Garbage Disposal
• Double-sided Playing Cards
• Helicopter Ejector Seat
• Secondhand Fireworks
• Solar-Powered Night Light
• Unsinkable Submarine
• Downhill Stairmaster
• Waterproof Toilet Paper
Ask listeners for more!
BS RANDOM JOKE:
If I had known how successful I was going to be, I wouldn’t have worked so hard when I was young.
BS PHONE STARTER:
Is the idea of ‘countries’ competing in the Olympics becoming archaic? Many athletes are born in one country but – due to heritage, emigration, or convenience – compete for another; and sometimes train in a 3rd country, thanks to superior facilities or higher education opportunities.
BS WEB GOODIE:
Searchable insults for every occasion are available from ‘Insults Net’.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average woman burns 48,000 calories a year doing THIS. Men, not so much.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Shopping.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Valentine’s Day … a time to be romantic on cue.