Tuesday, February 13, 2007        Edition: #3466
Get a Load of This Sheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT the 27th “Genie Awards”, celebrating the best in Canadian film, are handed out in Toronto (CityTV/Star/Bravo) with “Bon Cop, Bad Cop” & “A Sunday in Kigali” leading nominations (NET: http://www.genieawards.ca/genie27/) . . . TONIGHT the Hollywood round of auditions begins on “American Idol” (FOX/CTV), which is expected to move along quickly because it’s typically the least popular of the show’s segments (TOMORROW the top 24 semifinalists are announced) . . . The refrigerator inside Anna Nicole Smith’s bedroom in the Bahamas has been found to contain several cans of Slim-Fast (ironic, since she was competitor TrimSpa’s spokesperson) plus the synthetic narcotic methadone (a contributor to her son Daniel’s death) . . . Meantime, Smith’s personal bodyguard, Mo, who attempted in vain to revive her with CPR at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel LAST THURSDAY, did apparently save her life LAST YEAR when she was found face down in her swimming pool in the Bahamas . . . At NYC’s annual “American International Toy Fair”, new limited-edition collection of 16-inch plastic “Desperate Housewives” dolls has been unveiled (complete with accessories), which is scheduled to hit stores in JUNE at $129.95 apiece (these babes aren’t for little girls) . . . 44-year-old Brit actor Ralph Fiennes (“The Constant Gardener”) has become embroiled in a ‘Mile High Club’ scandal after allegedly following a 38-year-old flight attendant into a restroom during a long-haul flight from Australia to India (typically, it’s the flight attendant’s job that’s in jeopardy – even though she claims she turned him down cold) . . . And movie actress Penelope Cruz says it’s untrue she’s having an affair with Kylie Minogue’s ex-, French actor Olivier Martinez, claiming she’s just been his ‘shoulder to cry on’ since the split (uh huh, but it ain’t a ‘cold shoulder’).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Carrie Underwood – She’s reportedly been dating British singer Oliver Trevena for several weeks after dumping Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo. Seems Romo fumbled this one, too!
• Genesis – The re-formed band will play a massive free concert for 400,000 in Rome, Italy on JULY 14th to end their first tour in 15 years.
• Motley Crue – Vince Neil is working on the pilot for a new A&E reality-TV show that will follow the antics of him and his family since his parents have moved in with him.
• Pink – She’s apparently grieving so much for her late bulldog ‘Elvis’, who drowned in her backyard pool, that she’s had his face tattooed on her arm.
• Rod Stewart – TONIGHT he performs at a private NYC bash for 1,500 in honor of Wall Street billionaire Stephen Schwarzmann’s 60th birthday. Reports say the 62-year-old wrinkle rocker will pick up a cool million for the gig. Schwarzmann can afford it … he’s worth $3.5 billion!
• Taylor Swift – TONIGHT the “Tim McGraw” country singer performs on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno (NBC/A Channel).
• Trace Adkins – His country mega-hit “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” has been given official ‘Gold’ status for sales of 500,000 … ringtones.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “The Departed” ( Crime Thriller ): Leonardo DiCaprio & Matt Damon star as moles from opposite sides of the law who are undercover within the Irish mafia and the cops respectively. When discoveries are made, they are dispatched to find each other. Director Martin Scorsese is Oscar-nominated. Co-stars Jack Nicholson, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, and Alec Baldwin.
• “Half Nelson” ( Drama ): London ON-born Ryan Gosling has a ‘Best Actor’ Oscar nomination for his role as an inner-city junior high school teacher with a drug habit who forms an unlikely friendship with one of his students (Shareeka Epps) after she discovers his secret.
• “Marie Antoinette” ( Historical Drama ):  Director Sofia Coppola’s modernist take on the life of France’s legendary teen queen starring Kirsten Dunst is backed with a pop music soundtrack that includes tunes by Bow Wow Wow and Siouxsie & the Banshees. Some scenes shot in the actual Versailles palace. Co-stars Jason Schwartzman, Rip Torn, and Molly Shannon.
• “School for Scoundrels” ( Comedy ): Jon Heder (“Napoleon Dynamite”) plays a shy meter reader who enrolls in a class to help build his confidence so he can win over his dream girl (Jacinda Barrett), only to find that the teacher (Billy Bob Thornton) also has his eyes on her. Loosely based on the 1960 British film of the same name.
• “The US vs John Lennon” ( Documentary) : The film traces the former Beatle’s metamorphosis from pop idol to anti-war activist  to inspirational icon. Features a slew of influential figures from the era plus a soundtrack featuring dozens of Lennon tunes.
• “Zoom” ( Family Adventure ): Tim Allen stars as an out-of-shape auto shop owner and former superhero (‘Captain Zoom‘) who is called back to work to transform an unlikely group of ragtag kids into superheroes at a private academy. Co-stars Courteney Cox, Chevy Chase, and Rip Torn. Partially shot in Toronto.

HOW GREAT IS IT?
For the first time, a detailed survey of the Great Wall of China will be conducted to determine just how long it actually is. Along with checking its dimensions the 4-year study which starts in MAY will check the condition of the fortification, and also map the wall’s exact route. The world’s largest man-made structure is in reality a series of walls first linked up over 2,000 years ago. It’s estimated to be over 5,000 km (3,100 miles) in length. (About the same as the average line-up at Disney World.)
– Xinhua News Agency

BS LAW & DISORDER:
• In the Philippines, an airline passenger has been arrested for ‘lasciviousness’ for stripping at Manila Airport after being annoyed by airport security. It seems he got miffed after being asked to pass through an X-ray machine a second time … so he took off his pants instead.
• In Sweden, failure to wash the dishes has turned out to be the downfall of a thief in the town of Gavle. Cops say the burglar took time out from ransacking an apartment to fry a couple of eggs, but forgot to wash his DNA off the fork he used. That’s how local CSIs eventually nailed him!
• In China, the father of a 4-year-old boy has been ordered to pay damages after his son caused a poultry stampede. A court has ruled that the lad’s high-pitched screaming was the direct cause of the death of 443 chickens in a local henhouse.
• In Illinois, a disguised man claiming to be armed with a bomb told everyone in a Fairmount bank to get down on the floor … but no one believed him. After several futile attempts to get some cooperation, he was eventually forced to flee empty-handed!
• In Germany, a 28-year-old man in the town of Mainz was munching on an Italian chocolate bar when he noticed a lump that appeared to be a nut. But on closer examination, it proved not to be. In fact, expert examination later found it was a human fingertip … complete with fingernail. Police are declining to name the brand of chocolate until their investigation is complete.

4 EYES BUT NO Zs:
A Japanese company has developed eyeglasses that prevent the wearer from … sleeping. Here’s how they work: If your head drops below a certain level, a little motor kicks in to vibrate an earpiece until your head returns to an upright position. There are 4 different levels of vibration. Surprisingly, the specs are recommended for drivers on long car trips. (Yeah, there’s who you want to meet on a 2-lane blacktop – a half-asleep driver in an oncoming car who suddenly gets zapped in the ear!)
– “The Observer”

BS VALENTINE’S FACTS:
• More than 80% of Valentine’s Day cards are purchased by women. However, men are more likely to give a romantic card (35% vs 30%).
• The 1st written Valentine is usually credited to Charles, Duke of Orleans, in 1415 … from his jail cell. He’s said to have passed time in the slammer by penning romantic poetry for his wife.
• 39% of workers have had a workplace romance, even thought 41% of workers think a workplace romance jeopardizes job security or promotion.
• 53% of men using online dating sites shave at least 1 year off their actual age, while 64% of women shave at least 5 lbs off their actual weight.
• Amount the National Retail Association estimates the average male will spend for Valentine’s Day THIS YEAR: $156.22. Amount the average female will spend: $85.08.
• Because of all the chocolate purchased, FEBRUARY 14th is considered a potentially dangerous day for pets. Chocolate is toxic to pets and can even prove fatal.
– “Toronto Star”

OOPS, SORRY:
In 13-below-zero weather in northern Sweden, a cab driver who came across a pair of car accident victims kindly offered his warm Mercedes Benz taxi as shelter until help arrived. When rescue crews showed up and asked where the injured were located, they were directed to the cab. So they proceeded to use the jaws-of-life to peel the entire roof off the vehicle. No one thought to ask if the victims were able to get out of the car on their own. Now the poor cabby says he’s having trouble convincing his insurance company that he’s not making the story up.
– UPI

CHOCOHOLICS DELIGHT:
The best chocolates available online, according to a recent testing & ranking …
5. Moonstruck Classic Truffle Collections – $75 for 20 oz.
4. La Maison du Chocolat Coffret Maison – $83 for 21 oz.
3. John & Kira’s Jubilee Wood Gift Box – $69 for 20 oz.
2. Candinas – $41 for 16 oz.
1. Norman Love Confections – $40 for 8 oz.
Interestingly, the study finds the more costly chocolates are usually of better quality … but not always.
– “Consumer Reports”

GIVING US A COSMIC INFERIORITY COMPLEX:
Astronomer Charles Lineweaver of Australia’s University of New South Wales speculates that the reason aliens haven’t contacted us is that … we’re just too boring. He estimates that Earth-like planets around other stars would be, on average, some 1.8 billion years older than Earth, so any intelligent beings on those planets would be so advanced they would think of us as nothing more than bacteria.
– “New Scientist”

THE BIGGEST V-DAY SINS GUYS COMMIT:
What are the biggest bungles a guy could make for Valentine’s Day? How about …
• Dumping you the day before … to save money.
• Saying he doesn’t believe in hokey commercial holidays 2 seconds after you give him a cute card.
• Buying you supermarket flowers … that have been marked down.
• Making you a lame heart-shaped card cut from notebook paper with ‘IOU one gift’ written on it.
• Buying you chocolates a day afterward … when prices are slashed.
• Giving you ghastly mall-rat jewelry that you saw on his sister the week before.
• Taking you to a fast-food drive-thru, then renting “Basic Instinct” and inviting you back to his dorm room … to watch it with his roommate.
• Making love, then crying afterward because he broke up with his ex- last Valentine’s Day.
• Taking you anywhere that serves 2-for-1 meals.
• Wearing a ‘Cupid’ costume.
• Inviting you out for an evening with him … and his mother.
– “Cosmopolitan”

SIN CITY IS ALSO FAT CITY:
Las Vegas NV has been named the fattest American city in the 9th annual ‘Fattest & Fittest Cities Report’. The survey analyzes various data, including how much exercise people get, how healthy they eat, and how much time they spend sitting in traffic. San Antonio TX was named 2nd-fattest, followed by Miami FL. The fittest cities in the USA are said to be Albuquerque NM, Seattle WA and Colorado Springs CO.
– “Men’s Fitness”

THE BULL SHEET 02.13.07

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1944 [63] Jerry Springer, London UK, trash TV talk show host (“Jerry Springer Show” since 1991)/”Dancing With the Stars” contestant (2006)

1950 [57] Peter Gabriel, Woking UK, classic rock singer (“Sledgehammer”, “Big Time”)

1971 [36] Mats Sundin, Bromma, Sweden, NHL center (Toronto Maple Leafs)

1972 [35] Todd Harrell, Escatawpa MS, rock musician (3 Doors Down-“Here Without You”, “When I’m Gone”)

1974 [33] Robbie Williams, Stoke-on-Trent UK, arguably Britain’s #1 pop star who just can’t seem to crack the North American market (“Angels”, “Millennium”)

1979 [28] Mena Suvari, Newport RI, movie actress (“Factory Girl”, “American Beauty”)

1997 [10] Prince Michael Jackson Jr, Beverly Hills CA, Michael Jackson’s #1 son with ex-wife/baby carrier Debbie Rowe

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Get A Different Name Day”, set aside to give us opportunity to pick one we’d really like. Find listeners with really odd names and ask them what nickname they’d like to be called. Or find them a cool new name at the ‘Baby Namer’ Website.
NET: http://pregnancy.about.com/library/names/blbabynamer.htm

• “International Condom Week”. A poll by the makers of Durex condoms finds there aren’t many virgins left over the age of 25 … only 2% of those polled!

• “Read to Your Child Day”. It’s an investment in the kid’s future!

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1988 [19] Michael Jackson purchases a Santa Ynez CA ranch that he later names ‘Neverland’

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1841 [166] Kingston ON becomes the 1st capital of Canada

1947 [60] 1st major oil strike in Alberta gushes in Leduc

1988 [19] Opening of 1st Winter Olympics hosted by Canada (Canada fails to win a single gold medal at 15th Winter Games in Calgary)

1635 [372] 1st ‘Public School’ in America opens, the Boston Latin School (school cheer is ‘Ubi Sub Sububi’ [Always Wear Underwear])

1741 [266] 1st American magazine published, with the clever title “The American Magazine”

1920 [87] ‘National Negro Baseball League’ is organized, home to many of the greatest players of all-time, such as Satchell Paige

1969 [38] 1st ‘Human Egg Fertilized in a Test Tube’ (a womb with a view)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Valentine’s Day
[Wed] Great Energy Efficiency Day
[Wed] 2007 Brit Awards
[Wed] “Music & Lyrics” opens in movie theaters
[Thurs] Do a Grouch a Favor Day
[Fri] Second Honeymoon Weekend
[Sat] Chinese New Year
[Sat] East Coast Music Awards (Halifax)
This Week Is … Random Acts of Kindness Week
This Month Is … Get to Know an Independent Real Estate Broker Month

BULL’S BITS

BS PUNCHLINES:
Sometimes you don’t need the whole joke. For instance …
• So the moral of the story is, never get a vasectomy from an unlicensed electrician.
• And so the Irish guy says, “I was so busy eating potatoes and listening to U2, I forgot to get drunk!”
• What paté This is my stool sample.
• Then the doctor says, “OK, now it’s MY turn to cough!”
• And so the stoner says, “Duuuuude! That wasn’t Jamaican Gold, it was a pile of my bunion shavings!”
• “Yeah?” says the meter maid. “You should see me when I’m clog-dancing topless!”
• And now you know why they call that mustard ‘Poupon’.
• Rectum? It damn near killed him!

BS TRIVIA:
Let’s play doctor! Your patient’s symptoms include a heightened sense of reality, a feeling of awkwardness, inability to concentrate, sweaty hands, anxiety and heart palpitations. What are they suffering from? [These are the actual medical symptoms of … love. Aw!]
– “Psychology Today”

BS RANDOM JOKE:
Ever wake up and wonder what time it is … and then the boss tells you?

BS PHONE STARTER:
What’s the perfect ‘home-date’ movie to rent for Valentine’s Day?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 11% of people in relationships plan on doing THIS tomorrow.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Calling up an ex-.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
We learn from history that we do not learn from history.