Monday, January 30, 2006 Edition: #3207
It’s Super Bull MMMCCVII!
WEEKEND TABLOID BS:
• 44-year-old ABC-TV news anchor Bob Woodruff has suffered head injuries and undergone surgery after an explosive device went off while he was reporting from Iraq. His cameraman Doug Vogt was also injured, and both are listed in serious condition at a US military hospital. (It was just JANUARY 3rd that Woodruff took over co-anchor duties with Elizabeth Vargas on “World News Tonight”.)
– “People Magazine”
• 38-year-old former Green Beret, John Paulus, claims he had unprotected sex with singer Clay Aiken (“Measure of a Man”) in a Garner NC Quality Inn. Paulus has reportedly passed a polygraph exam and provided copies of IM conversations with Aiken over a 2-week period. Paulus claims Aiken told him he just recently came ‘out of the closet’ to his mother and a few close friends. He also claims that Clay’s IM screen name is ‘valleyprettyboy’. (Anyone actually surprised by this?)
– “National Enquirer”
• FRIDAY Lindsay Lohan was admitted to a London hospital and received 10 stitches in her shin after she slipped on a set of stairs at the $5-million Chelsea mansion owned by Canadian singer Bryan Adams (“Cuts Like a Knife”). Lindsay was released later in the day. (In order to find a good British litigator.)
– “Star Magazine”
• “Walk the Line” actor Joaquin Phoenix has escaped injury after flipping his car while driving in the Hollywood Hills. It seems the brakes on his car failed, causing him to collide with another vehicle, but as he was wearing a seat belt he simply walked away from the scene. (At least, that’s what they’re saying is the story so far.)
– “E! Online”
• A snitch says newly-single singer Jessica Simpson took a break from partying with Kirsten Dunst the other night to disappear into LA’s infamous Chateau Marmont hotel … to Maroon 5 frontman Adam Levine’s room, as a matter of fact. Word is she didn’t emerge until the next morning. (These two deserve each other.)
– “Page Six”
• A contestant on “Fear Factor South Africa” has spent a week in hospital after losing half the hair on her head, suffering a concussion, and being badly bruised during a stunt in which contestants were … dragged behind a 4-by-4 over sand dunes. (Apparently she lost half the brains in her head beforehand.)
– “Reality Blurred”
• Kevin Federline’s ex- is said to be sleeping with his wife Britney Spears’ ex-. Actress Shar Jackson & Jason Alexander, who was married to Spears for just 55 hours after impulsively tying the knot in Las Vegas 2 years ago, showed up with each other at an LA house party, then reportedly snuck away upstairs to be alone. (They have so much in common … both dumped by a couple of losers.)
– “The Bosh”
• Actress Jennifer Aniston is rumored to be writing a tell-all book about her marriage to Brad Pitt. It seems she kept a diary throughout their relationship and wants to expose the truth about their life together. And wouldn’t it be a great way to get back at Brad for dumping her for Angelina? (Meow!)
– “Daily Mirror”
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Barry Manilow – TODAY he appears on ABC-TV’s “The View”. Warning!!!!
• Bryan Adams – SUNDAY he played a relief concert in Karachi, Pakistan to raise money for victims of the South Asia earthquake in OCTOBER that killed 87,000 and left millions homeless. It was the 1st concert in Pakistan by a Western artist since 9/11.
• Madonna – She’s just purchased a 2nd house next to her $13-million London mansion in the posh Mayfair district. She spent $1.5 million on the adjacent house … for her staff!
• Missy Elliott – For the first time she’s working on a film score, Disney’s upcoming movie “Stick It”, which centers on the world of competitive gymnastics.
• Nickel Creek – TONIGHT they guest on “Late Night With Conan O’Brien”.
• Saving Jane – “Girl Next Door” is based on singer-songwriter Marti Dodson’s own high-school experiences as one of the less popular people.
• Sly & the Family Stone – “Grammy Awards” organizers are looking to reunite the ‘60s/’70s band for a tribute. Sly Stone last performed live 19 years ago.
• Sugarland – Their debut album, “Twice the Speed of Life”, has just been Certified Double Platinum for shipments of 2 million copies.
• U2 – Bono has launched a charity program called ‘Product Red’, a series of red-colored consumer goods that will raise money for the Global Fund to Fight AIDS, Tuberculosis & Malaria. Among the products: a Gap T-shirt, Nike shoes, an American Express card & Giorgio Armani wrap-around eyewear.
• On TV TONIGHT – “Shakin’ All Over”, a 2-hour CBC-TV special about Canadian music pioneers of the 1960s, based on Nicholas Jennings’ book, “Before The Gold Rush: Flashbacks to the Dawn of the Canadian Sound”.
A LAUGH A DAY KEEPS THE DOC AWAY?
Geneticists in Japan claim to have found the first scientific evidence that laughter really is good for your health. Experiments by the Foundation for the Advancement of International Science have found that laughter can trigger dormant genes that potentially help cure diseases. When ‘laughter therapy’ was used on elderly test subjects, their combined annual healthcare costs fell by 30%. (So take 2 sit-coms and call me in the morning.)
– Agence France-Presse
DID YOU KNOW:
Taiwan has successfully bred green swine by injecting a fluorescent green protein into embryonic pigs. (Why bother … there was a shortage of green bacon or what?)
PARTYING LIKE IT’S 1399 … BC:
Archaeologists in Egypt have recently discovered writings which describe the ‘Festival of Drunkenness’ which ancient Egyptians celebrated to ring in the New Year at least as far back as 1470 BC, over 3,000 years ago. The festival was much like a modern New Year’s Eve party, with revellers singing, dancing, and beer drinking. However, archaeologists claim the Egyptians frowned upon getting plastered, only using alcohol to ‘enter an altered state so that they might witness the epiphany of a deity’. (They saw god? Yeah right, don’t we all.)
– “Discovery News”
TOP SEAT-FILLERS OF 2005:
The newly-released Quigley Poll, conducted every year since 1932, asks movie exhibitors to list the stars who have generated the most box-office revenue for their theaters. 2005’s best box office draws …
5. George Clooney
4. Vince Vaughn
3. [tie] Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt
2. Johnny Depp
1. Tom Cruise
– “Washington Post”
A survey in the UK has found that millions-of-dollars-worth of clothes are bought each year which are never worn … not even once. Dieters who buy small sizes which they hope to fit into some day are one reason, but the survey also found that the average woman owns 14 pieces of unused clothing, with unworn shoes leading the way. It seems British women collectively have almost $13-billion-worth of clothes that they simply do not wear. (This message brought to you by your local Goodwill.)
– “The Scotsman”
YEAH, WELL LET’S SEE IT:
Oleg Gadomsky, a professor of quantum and optical electronics at the Ulyanovsk State University in western Russia has patented a method of making things … invisible. His so-called ‘Invisibility Cloak’ uses, quote – ‘a sub-micron stratum of microscopical colloid golden particles that makes an object placed behind it invisible for an observer’ – unquote. Unfortunately, he says, only static objects can be made invisible for the time being because radiation frequency changes during motion. But he does claim it will soon be possible to create a magic cloak similar to that used in ‘Harry Potter’ books. (Right, similar to the one first unveiled in “The Emperor’s New Clothes”.)
THE BULL SHEET 01.30.2K6
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1930  Gene Hackman, San Bernadino CA, movie actor (Oscars-“Unforgiven”, “The French Connection”)
1937  Vanessa Redgrave, London UK, movie actress (Oscar-“Julia”)
1941  Dick Cheney, Lincoln NE, US Vice-President since 2001/Defense Secretary in Dubya’s dad’s administration (1989-93)/White House Chief of Staff (1975-77)
1951  Phil Collins, London UK, 5′-5″ classic rocker (“In the Air Tonight”, “Genesis-“Invisible Touch”)/film composer (“Tarzan”)
1972  Tammy Cochran, Austinburg OH, country singer (“Angels in Waiting”)
1974  Christian Bale, Haverfordwest, Wales, movie actor (“Batman Begins”)
1980  Wilmer Valderrama, Miami FL, TV actor (“That ’70s Show” 1998-2006) FACTOID: He & castmates Ashton Kutcher & Danny Masterson are planning to launch a restaurant in the soon-to-be-refurbished Reno Hilton hotel-condo-casino in Reno NV.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day”, celebrating the padding we all like to pop. It’s a good day to have listeners call in and ‘pop off’ on the phone or you can have fun popping virtual bubbles at these Websites …
• “Croissant Day”, the first step of which is being able to say ‘croissant’. (NOT ‘croy-sents’, it’s ‘cwah-SAHN’).
• “Inane Answering Message Day”, a time set aside to change, shorten, replace or delete those annoying voice-mail messages.
• “World Law Day”, established in 1922 to celebrate the rules society lives by. Some of them are a tad strange, as proven by these . . .
ODD LAWS STILL ON THE BOOKS AROUND-THE-WORLD:
* Australia: It’s illegal to name any animal you plan to eat.
* Barbados: You are not allowed to wear camouflage pants unless you are in the military.
* Canada: It is illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them.
* China: To go to college you must be intelligent.
* France: In Cannes, it’s illegal to wear a Jerry Lewis mask.
* Israel: It is forbidden to bring bears to the beach.
* Italy: Anyone considered ‘obese’ is forbidden from wearing polyester.
* Portugal: It’s against the law to pee in the ocean.
* Samoa: It’s a crime to forget your wife’s birthday.
* Singapore: As it is considered obscene, you may not walk around your home nude.
* Sweden: While prostitution is legal, it is illegal to use the services of a prostitute.
* Switzerland: It is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 pm.
* Thailand: It is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.
* UK: Any boy under the age of 10 may not see a naked mannequin.
* USA: Seattle residents may not carry concealed weapons longer than 6 feet.
• “Yodel for Your Neighbors Day”. Followed by ‘Getting Tomato-ed by Your Neighbors Day’.
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1969  The Beatles make their last public appearance, performing “Get Back” atop Apple Records in London for the movie “Let It Be”
TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1894  1st ‘Jackhammer’ patented (CB King, Detroit MI)
1958  1st ‘Moving Sidewalk’ (1,435-ft-long walkway at Love Field, Dallas TX)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1920  Québec Bulldogs’ Joe Malone sets NHL record of 7 goals in a single game
1994  1st teams to play each other in 2 consecutive Super Bowls as Dallas beats Buffalo again, this time 30-13 (also a record 4th consecutive Super Bowl loss for the Bills)
COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Academy Award nominations announced
[Tues] Al Hijra (Islamic New Year)
[Tues] Backwards Day
[Thurs] Groundhog Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Cowboy Poetry Gathering Week / Groundhog Days / Catholic Schools Week / All That Jazz Week
ACTUAL TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Man With Large Fuzzy Slippers Creates Enough Electricity to Heat His House!”
• “Fired Architect Burns His Bridges!”
• “Zebra Born With Horizontal Stripes!”
• “Drunks Fall Off Roof After Bartender Declares Drinks Are On the House!”
• “Elvis Wax Figure Cries Real Tears!”
• “Mute Driver Honks Out Road Rage in Morse Code!”
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• How come the game of love is never called off on account of darkness?
• If you’re too open minded, will your brains fall out?
• If a wedding goes off without a hitch, was it successful?
• Can you learn safety rules by accident?
• Are dogs especially vicious to ‘cat burglars’?
• How come cranberries keep getting into all the other juices?
• Can a kilt be classified as a ‘strapless gown’?
BS WEB GOODIE:
Looking for that perfect Valentine’s gift for your lover? Empire Labs is offering the ‘Chocolate Clone-A-Willy’. Yep, it’s a life-size chocolate replica of your you-know-what. (This ain’t no ‘Willy Wonka’!)
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• The 2 cruelest words ever linked together are … ‘mandatory’ and ‘meeting’.
• If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• I’ve discovered it’’s okay to be late … as long as you bring doughnuts.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: People now buy an average of 15 of THESE a year. Just a few years ago, that number was zero.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: DVDs.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
When you give something away … let go.
Monthly Planning Calendar in Tomorrow’s Edition of “BS”!