Tuesday, January 24, 2006        Edition: #3203
Sheet Happens!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Ron Howard’s movie adaptation of Dan Brown’s best-selling novel, “The Da Vinci Code”, has been chosen to open the annual “Cannes Film Festival” MAY 17th (opens in theaters worldwide MAY 19th) . . . Meantime, Catholic group Opus Dei is planning to sue the filmmakers as they’re upset over being portrayed as secretive and having an assassin in their ranks (so why didn’t they sue over the book?) . . . TV actress Jennifer Love Hewitt (“Ghost Whisperer”) is said to be considering posing naked for a magazine layout in an attempt to shed her squeaky clean image and attract ‘edgier’ movie roles (yeah, worked for Anna Nicole Smith) . . . After the disappointing “Friends” spin-off “Joey”, NBC-TV is reportedly looking at another concept that would see Matt LeBlanc, Matthew Perry & David Schwimmer in a pilot called “It’s a Guy Thing” (um guys, do you not get it – 10 years was enough?) . . . A new biography of Marlon Brando by Darwin Porter titled “Brando Unzipped” is expected to stir controversy as it claims the legendary actor romped his way through Hollywood with many of its biggest names – both male & female (purportedly including Vivien Leigh, Bette Davis, Rock Hudson, Cary Grant, and TWO former First Ladies) . . . 51-year-old movie actress Ellen Barkin can expect to tuck away about $20 million thanks to a pre-nup agreement with her 62-year-old estranged husband, billionaire Revlon head Ron Perelman (she’ll need it – the movie roles get thin for women over 50) . . . The ensemble cast of ABC-TV’s hit “Lost” is being offered circa $80,000 each per episode for NEXT SEASON after struggling through on $20,000-$40,000 per show in the debut year (although Matthew Fox reportedly earned a $250,000 bonus for the pivotal role of ‘Jack’) . . . NBC-TV has temporarily shut down production on its hit rookie comedy “My Name Is Earl” because star Jason Lee has – chicken pox (caused by hearing the news about the “Lost” raises) . . . Nick Solderblom, ex-fiancé of “Desperate Housewives” star Nicollette Sheridan, claims she is a – quote – ‘cold, hard and very, very boring lover’ and rates her as only a 2 out of 10 (gentlemen don’t do it and tell, loser) . . . And the latest buzz about movie star Nicole Kidman & country music star Keith Urban has them wedding this MARCH, perhaps in their native Australia, after she reportedly accepted his proposal over Christmas.

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Alicia Keys – She has a newly-formed production company with longtime manager Jeff Robinson, and is planning to branch out into more film & TV projects.
• Jennifer Lopez – She’s sparking pregnancy rumors for the millionth time, but why else would she & hubby Marc Anthony be spotted doing tons of shopping for baby clothes lately?
• Paul McCartney – Wife Heather Mills says she wouldn’t have married him if he still smoked cannabis every day as he did with first wife Linda. She says she had strong feelings on the subject due to her experience helping drug addicts.
• Rascal Flatts – They’re the only country act featured on the “2006 Grammy Nominees” album that’s out TODAY. The “Grammy Awards” will be presented FEBRUARY 8th in Los Angeles.
• Simply Red – Frontman Mick Hucknall is following in the lead of Rod Stewart, Queen & ABBA by creating a stage musical using all of his biggest hits. Seems that it’ll be a short show!
• The Strokes – Fabrizio Moretti tells “Jane” magazine he was recently caught doing the nasty in the ladies’ room at the NYC opera, a diversion due to “La Boheme” being so boring. Actress Drew Barrymore is likely less-than-thrilled with her longtime boyfriend’s big mouth.
• Also in music stores TODAY: Il Divo’s “Ancora”; “Legendary Covers as Sung by Elton John”; Duncan Sheik’s “White Limousine”; Yellowcard’s “Lights & Sounds”; Marty Casey & Lovehammers’ self-titled album; Rosanne Cash’s “Black Cadillac”; POD’s “Testify”; “The Essential Kenny G”; and Kenny Rogers’ “21 Number Ones”.

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “The Aristocrats” ( Comedy Documentary – DVD ): The art-house film that dissects the world’s dirtiest joke as it’s told by more than 100 comics, including Whoopi Goldberg, Drew Carey, Lewis Black & Sarah Silverman. Be forewarned, the joke is excruciatingly filthy. It begins like this: A guy walks into an agent’s office and says: ‘Have I got an act for you …’.
• “Flightplan” ( Thriller – DVD ): Jodie Foster stars as an aircraft designer who somehow loses her 6-year-old daughter (Marlene Lawston) on a trans-Atlantic flight. Things get complicated when the crew refuses to admit the child was ever even on the plane. Interesting to note that Foster’s role as ‘Kyle’ was originally written for Sean Penn.
• “The Fog” ( Horror Thriller – DVD ): Tom Welling & Maggie Grace headline this remake of the 1980 horror film about ghosts of the dead taking vengeance upon the descendants of those who killed them. Selma Blair co-stars in a role intended for Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas, until she backed out due to a ‘last minute conflict’. Shot in several locations in BC.
• “Oliver Twist” ( Family Drama – DVD ): Roman Polanski directs this new take on the Charles Dickens classic, starring Ben Kingsley as ‘Fagin’ and newcomer Barney Clark as the orphaned ‘Oliver’. Shot in the Czech Republic. There have been at least 10 other film versions of this story, going all the way back to 1906.
• “Thumbsucker” ( Dramedy – DVD ): Lou Pucci beat out 100 other actors to win the lead role of a nervous teenager who still sucks his thumb at age 17. After he’s medicated for ADD he becomes a different person, more confident but no less confused. The big-name support cast includes Tilda Swinton, Vincent D’Onofrio, Vince Vaughn, Keanu Reeves & Benjamin Bratt.
• Also on DVD TODAY: “Repo Man: Collector’s Edition”; “Saturday Night Live: The Best of Alec Baldwin”; and “Dallas: The Complete 4th Season”.

POOCHY NEEDS EXERCISE, TOO!
Lorraine Corriveau, Wellness Veterinarian at Purdue University’s School of Veterinary Medicine, estimates that about 25% of dogs and cats are obese. She says that’s why pets, like people, should get 30-to-45 minutes of exercise daily. (Good luck teaching your cat to do ab crunches.)
– ANI Health & Science

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
A snapshot of who we are and what we do …
• 99% of women say they hate seeing a man with a comb-over.
• 68% of women claim they’ve caught a man trying to look down their top.      
• 55% of women think kissing a man with stubble is a real turn-off.
• 50% of us prefer to use old-fashioned paper towels over automatic hand-blowers.
• 40% of women say they can’t stand their mate’s taste in music.      
• 35% of us keep at least some money issues secret from our partners.

‘BAD-FOR-YOU’ FOODS THAT ARE NO LONGER VERBOTEN:
Nutritionists are taking a second look at foods that were once considered taboo. Surprise! A lot of the banned goodies are okay. In fact, many are actually good-for-you, including …
5. Coffee – Recent studies have refuted caffeine’s link to heart disease and high blood pressure. It can relieve symptoms of allergies, make you more alert and improve concentration.
4. Milk – A terrific source of calcium, it helps prevent the bone-thinning disease osteoporosis, reduces high blood pressure, and may even fight obesity.
3. Beef – An excellent source of protein and nutrients that women don’t get enough of, such as iron, zinc and vitamin B12.
2. Chocolate – Contains the same heart-disease & cancer-fighting antioxidants found in fruits & vegetables. Stearic acid, the main fat in chocolate, does NOT raise cholesterol. Chocolate also increases serotonin in the brain, which means it’s a mood booster.
1. Cheese – A good source of calcium, cheese also contains conjugated linoleic acid, a ‘good’ fat that may reduce your risk of cancer, heart disease & diabetes.
– “Redbook”

A ROBO-SHOULDER TO CRY ON:
Scientists are developing a robot that can do your dishes, wash your clothes – even be your friend. Researchers with the Cogniron Project, a Europe-wide research initiative, are aiming to produce a ‘cognitive robot companion’ that looks like and can talk to humans. The next generation of robots will be able to think for themselves and adjust their behavior according to your mood. (Sort of like a good husband.)
– “New Scientist”

SHE SAID IT:
• “I told Tom, ‘Just tell me when and where to go on the big day, and I’ll be there.’”
– “Desperate Housewives” star Marcia Cross, who’s leaving all the details of her summer wedding up to fiancé Tom Mahoney.
• “When I’m not working, I’m so about the bed. I just lay in the bed and put a towel over me. I’m literally like a 2-year-old, I just eat and watch TV … not that that’s something to be proud of.”
– Mariah Carey, explaining to “V Magazine” how she got so fat … or some damn thing.

FOR THE RECORD:
A 10-year-old boy has become the ‘World’s Youngest Feature Film Director’. The child-acting prodigy, who is known as ‘Master Jishan’, has written, directed & starred in the new Bollywood film, “Care Of Footpath”, about an Indian orphan who educates himself. Actor Jackie Shroff, who also stars in the movie, says the kid’s a genius.
– “GQ”

TV LOGOS MAKE THEIR MARK:
TV coverage of cricket and “Australian Open” tennis Down Under is making a lasting impression on plasma screens. The logos used by Aussie networks Channel 7 & Channel 9 during long days of sports action are apparently burning themselves right into the screens of the delicate digital monitors, and with the hi-tech TVs costing thousands, some owners are threatening legal action saying their screens have been ruined. So-called ‘screen burn’ occurs when onscreen graphics displayed in one spot for a long time become seared into the plasma. A ghost image then lingers, even when the TV is tuned to other stations. (We’re tired of our 54 inches being reduced to 30 by unnecessary graphics. Why not create a remote button for those wanting ‘em?)
– “Daily Telegraph”

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A 64-year-old postal worker has been found dead on a NYC subway car during the morning rush hour, raising the possibility that his lifeless body rode around on the train for up to 6 hours without being discovered.
• A 73-year-old Australian woman has died of complications after she – dropped a banana. The pointy end apparently scraped down her leg and she died from complications.
• An 81-year-old suburban Detroit MI driver has died after a dog apparently fell from a freeway overpass and crashed through his car windshield. His passenger suffered only minor injuries.
• A 32-year-old former assistant nurse has been sentenced to 3 years, 8 months in prison for – tearing the fingernails & toenails off 6 female patients at a hospital in Kyoto, Japan. Why did she do it? She claims it was to relieve the stress imposed on her by supervisors.

THE BULL SHEET 01.24.2K6

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1941 [65] Neil Diamond, Brooklyn NY, oldies singer (“Sweet Caroline”)

1941 [65] Aaron Neville, New Orleans LA, oldies singer (“Tell It Like It Is)  FACTOID: To honor his hometown’s efforts to bounce back after Hurricane Katrina, he’ll perform the national anthem at Super Bowl XL FEBRUARY 5th in Detroit MI.

1963 [43] Keech Rainwater, Plano TX, country musician (Lonestar-“I’ll Die Tryin’”)

1986 [20] Mischa Barton, London UK, TV actress (‘Marissa Cooper’ on “The OC” since 2003)  FACTOID: Her New Year’s resolution is reportedly to quit smoking … in order to put some weight on. Don’t you just hate her?

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
“Beer Can Appreciation Day”, observed on the anniversary of the 1st canned beer, marketed by Kruegar Brewing of Richmond VA on this day 71 years ago in 1935. Gee, what should we do to celebrate?

THIS WEEK is “Direct Deposit Week”, which either has to do with having your pay directly deposited into your bank account or making babies the ‘old fashioned way’.

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1908 [98] 1st ‘Boy Scout’ troop organized by Sir Robert Baden-Powell in London UK, originally for youths to play ‘war-games’

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1999 [07] Golfer David Duval matches best round in PGA history – a 59 – to win the “Bob Hope Desert Classic” (the other ‘59ers’ are Chip Beck & Al Geiberger)

COMING UP . . .
[Wed] Opposite Day
[Wed] 6th International Internet-Free Day
[Wed] Robbie Burns Day
[Wed] School Nurse Day
[Thurs] Australia Day
[Fri] Thomas Crapper Day
[Sat] 58th Directors Guild of America Awards
[Sun] Chinese New Year (Year of the Dog)
This Week Is … Nurse Anesthetists Week (try saying that 3 times)
This Month Is … Mail Order Gardening Month

BULL’S BITS

ACTUAL TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Couch Potatoes Are Smarter!”
• “Brave Marine Gives Up Finger to Save Wedding Ring!”
• “Man Dies Taking Bull By Horns!”
• “Town Saves Money by Burying Loved Ones in Quicksand!”
• “Psychic Mechanic’s Brain Explodes While He’s Using His Mental Powers to Fix 1949 Ford!”
• “1 in 5 Dogs & Cats Descended From Space Aliens!”

BS EXCUSES FOR CALLING IN SICK:
43% of workers surveyed admit they’ve called in sick at least once when they were not during the past year. Among their inventive excuses collected by personnel managers …
• “I’m too drunk to drive to work.”
• “I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet.”
• “I had to help deliver a baby on my way to work.”
• “I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened.”
• “I’m too fat to get into my work pants.”
• “My cow bit me.”
• “My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can’t get it out.”
• “My house lock jammed and I’m locked in.”
• “I forgot I was getting married today.”
– CareerBuilder.com

BS PHONE STARTERS:
• Your legacy in life will be to have one single thing named after you. What would you like it to be?
• From the ‘What kind of tree would you be’ file – is marriage more like a river or an ocean?
• Which would be worse – watching a skin-flick with your parents … or one STARRING your parents?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to a recent hospitality industry survey, if you order a drink with a little umbrella in it, odds are you are THIS type of person.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A bad tipper.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Minds are like parachutes … they function only when open.