Monday, January 16, 2006 Edition: #3197
It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!
WEEKEND TABLOID BS:
• “American Idol’s” first-season winner Kelly Clarkson has apparently detached herself from the series entirely. In fact, she’s refusing to clear some of her tunes to be used on the show’s 5th season, debuting TOMORROW. (Smart girl!)
– “Reality Blurred”
• 50-year-old Oscar-winning actor Denzel Washington’s 22-year marriage to Pauletta Washington may be headed for trouble amid rumors that he’s a serial cheater. The latest chick-on-the-side is said to be 34-year-old actress Sanaa Lathan (“Alien Vs Predator”). Sources say the extracurricular activity led to a furious bust-up that ended with Denzel moving out of the couple’s $10-million California home.
– “National Enquirer”
• Model Kate Moss has turned heads by pole dancing with actress Lindsay Lohan at a NYC strip club Scores after a night on the town together. Word has it ‘straight & sober’ Kate was going wild on stage and after a few tunes, Lindsay jumped up to join her in swinging on the pole with their arms around each other’s waists. They didn’t take off any clothes, but it was reportedly ‘very hot’. (Nice to see Moss has learned her lesson and settled down.)
– “Daily Mirror”
• Aging movie actor Harrison Ford was recently shopping in a NYC men’s wear store and liked the ‘429′ T-shirts so much, he bought one in each color. Seems he didn’t realize the store has a very specialized customer base. You see, ‘429′ is so-named because it spells ‘G-A-Y’ on a phone keypad. (Well, it also spells ‘I-C-Y’.)
– “NY Daily News”
• SATURDAY in London, thousands of girls aged 13-to-16 waited in line to audition for a role in the next ‘Harry Potter’ film. They’re trying out for the part of eccentric trainee wizard ‘Luna Lovegood’ in “Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix”. The successful auditioner will join cast members Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson & Rupert Grint. (… in being type-cast for the rest of their professional lives.)
– “The Sun”
• Bad singer, bad actress and quasi-star Jessica Simpson has been spotted slipping out of LA restaurant Sushi Roku by a rear entrance, seemingly hiding her face for some reason. A photo shows her dressed all in black and wearing a large hat in an attempt to hide what looks to be a bruised eye. (Oh, a BLACK eye? Well, it’s likely an accessory then.)
– “The Bosh”
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Alan Jackson – RCA has persuaded him to release an album of gospel songs he recorded as a private gift for his mother & mother-in-law. “Precious Memories” comes out FEBRUARY 28th.
• Barry Manilow – TONIGHT he’s on the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” … just a warning.
• Cascada – The 24-year-old “Everytime We Touch” singer was born Natalie Horler in Bonn, Germany but had a ‘very English childhood’ while growing up in Britain.
• Click Five – The Boston-based “Catch Your Wave” quintet has a wide variety of experience, collaborating with members of Kiss, Fountains of Wayne, and The Cars, and opening for Alanis Morissette and Ashlee Simpson.
• Eminem – SATURDAYhe remarried his high school sweetheart, Kim Mathers, in Rochester MI, 5 years after splitting and a month after announcing they were getting back together.
• Kanye West – TODAY he does the “Ellen DeGeneres Show”.
• Ne-Yo – The “So Sick” singer’s real name is Shaffer C Smith and he was raised in a single parent home by his mom who relocated the family from Arkansas to Vegas. It was there he began writing tunes for other artists at an early age.
• The Police – Drummer Stewart Copeland has documented the history of the group in the new film, “Everyone Stares: The Police Inside Out”, which will premiere at the “Sundance Film Festival” at the end of the month.
• Tim McGraw – He says he wants to run for office someday in his adopted home state of Tennessee, perhaps for Governor or US Senator, and he’s getting encouragement from a fellow Democrat … former President Bill Clinton.
63RD GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS:
TONIGHT the 63rd annual movie/TV awards presented by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association are handed out live on NBC-TV at the Beverly Hilton in LA CA. Highlights …
• ‘Best Picture’ nominees include “Brokeback Mountain”, “The Constant Gardener”, “Good Night, and Good Luck”, “A History of Violence”, and “Match Point” among dramas; and “Mrs Henderson Presents”, “Pride & Prejudice”, “The Producers”, “The Squid & The Whale”, and “Walk the Line” in the musical or comedy category.
• Among TV awards nominations, “Desperate Housewives” leads with 5, including ‘Best Television Series, Comedy or Musical’. The ‘TV Drama’ award will go to either “Commander In Chief”, “Grey’s Anatomy”, “Lost”, “Prison Break”, or “Rome”.
• Movie actor Anthony Hopkins will receive the ‘Cecil B DeMille Award’ for lifetime achievement.
• THIS YEAR’s honorary ‘Miss Golden Globe’ is Dakota Johnson, daughter of twice-divorced actors Melanie Griffith & Don Johnson (Griffith had the same honor in 1975).
• The show airs in some 150 countries around-the-world.
NET: http://www.hfpa.org/
BS AMAZING FACT:
According to a new study, Internet surfers judge whether a Website is any good in the first twentieth-of-a-second.
NAME DROPPERS:
A report called “American Brandstand 2005″ has tracked product placement in LAST YEAR’s most popular songs and found that ‘Mercedes’ was the most name-dropped brand in music, being featured 100 times in top hits. Rappers, obviously, make the most money from deals with companies which see their names wind up in rap tunes. The survey found that 50 Cent was the worst of a bad bunch, mentioning 17 products by name in 7 of his most popular songs. Luxury cars dominate the most mentioned brands, with weapons, clothes & booze not far behind. Gun-maker ‘Beretta’ made the biggest gain, debuting on the list at number 13. (Two words – sell-out!)
– “Money” / CNN
AND WE QUOTE:
“I’m always trying to reach her and send her my love but I still haven’t spoken to her. I wish somebody would help me out and give her a call.”
– 67-year-old actor Jon Voight (“Pope John Paul II”), whining that unless his daughter Angelina Jolie agrees to meet and resolve their feud, he’ll never get to see his only birth grandchild.
– “Daily Record”
LOPSIDED LUMPS LEGALIZED:
As China continues to steamroll into the 21st century, quaint laws are slowly being replaced by slightly more enlightened practices. For example, Hunan Province has just scrapped the law which required woman to show that they had symmetrical breasts before they could be considered – for a government job. (You mean a boob job?)
– Reuters
1-2-3 ON MORON!
38-year-old Robin Toom of Townsville, Australia has been rescued by firefighters after getting stuck in the family washing machine while – playing hide-and-seek with his kids! He says he was relieved to be freed after an hour but is forced to admit, to his greater shame, that it wasn’t even a good hiding place. As he couldn’t get the machine’s lid down, the kids spotted him immediately to make a ‘clean’ catch. (Next time, he’ll try the microwave.)
– “Sydney Daily Telegraph”
DID YOU KNOW?
‘Spanish Flu’, the epidemic that killed 50 million people in 1918-19, was known as ‘French Flu’ in Spain. (Presumably then, birds are calling ‘Avian Flu’ the ‘People Flu’?)
FAKING IT:
Japan’s sex industry is being infiltrated by silicone dolls. There are doll rental services and a latex love hotel of sorts, and now a magazine called “idoloid” that focuses entirely on this flourishing fetish. Each edition contains glossy pictures of the latest ‘ladies’, along with helpful advice for ‘successful relations’. (Wait a sec – doll rentals? Ewww!)
– “Tokyo Times”
THE BULL SHEET 01.16.2K6
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1959 [47] Sadé (Helen Folasade Adu), Ibadan, Nigeria, pop/jazz singer (“By Your Side”)
1974 [32] Kate Moss, Addiscomb UK, fashion model who’s more famous than ever after being videotaped snorting cocaine
1981 [25] Nick Valensi, NYC, rock guitarist (The Strokes-“Juicebox”)
TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
“Elementary School Teachers Day”, honoring those who spend all day with our kids because we certainly couldn’t. You just might be a teacher if …
• You can’t have children of your own because there is no name you could give a kid that wouldn’t bring on high blood pressure the moment you heard it.
• Meeting a student’s parents instantly answers the question, “Why is this kid like this?”
• You can tell there’s a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to have holidays & summers free.”
• You believe ‘Shallow Gene Pool’ should have it’s own box on the report card.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
“Hot & Spicy Food International Day”, encouraging us to spice up our lives in order to add some zest to a winter’s day. A little Thai Sauce in your coffee anyone? What’s the absolute hottest thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?
“Martin Luther King Jr Day”, a federal holiday across the USA commemorating the life and achievements of the late civil rights leader (1929-1968).
“Work at Home With Your Spouse Day”, to encourage couples to make the most of their relationship & skills by starting a business together. What would be the biggest problem of working with your spouse?
THIS WEEK is “National Non-Smoking Week” in Canada, highlighted by “Weedless Wednesday”, the day smokers are encouraged to butt out for 24 hours.
NET: http://www.ncth.ca/NCTH_new.nsf
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1939 [67] 1st appearance of “Superman” comics
1985 [21] “Playboy” announces its 30-year tradition of stapling centerfolds into the magazine will be discontinued in favor of glue
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1996 [10] Jamaican anti-drug police mistakenly fire on a seaplane carrying Jimmy Buffett & U2’s Bono
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1936 [70] 1st ‘Photo-Finish’ camera (Florida’s Hialeah Race Track)
1957 [49] 1st non-stop, around-the-world commercial airplane flight (how did anyone ever get off?)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] “American Idol 5″ debuts on FOX-TV
[Tues] Get to Know Your Customer Day
[Wed] Winnie the Pooh Day
[Wed] “Skating with Celebrities” debuts on FOX-TV
[Thurs] International Sing-Out Day
[Thurs] Penguin Awareness Day
[Thurs-Jan 29] 2006 “Sundance Film Festival”
[Fri] Philately Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Skating Week / Fresh Squeezed Juice Week / International Printing Week / Healthy Weight Week / Hunt For Happiness Week
BULL’S BITS
ACTUAL TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “The Way to a Man’s Heart Is Not Through His Stomach – Surgeon’s License Revoked!”
• “Cat Found With Hoard of Over 200 Tongues!”
• “Tango Dancer Doesn’t Let Partner’s Death Keep Them from Finishing Competition!”
• “Prehistoric Snowman Found!”
• “Laser-Controlled Insects Could Be New Terrorist Weapon!”
COOL PRIZES TO GIVEAWAY:
• ‘Ante Climax’ – A complete pro-style poker table & accessories for the winner’s home.
• ‘Bam!’ – Winner gets their own private chef to cook up 1 gourmet meal-a-week for a year.
• ‘Box of Cohiba Cigars’ – One catch … the winner has to go to Cuba to pick them up.
• ‘CSI: Elton’ – Crack the case and win a trip to Vegas to see Elton John’s ‘Red Piano’ show.
• ‘Extreme Makeover: Office Edition’ – A professional redo of a corporate or home office.
• ‘Human Stew’ – A hot tub party at the winner’s home. Leave the hot tub behind afterward.
• ‘Radio Works’ – A custom-designed advertising package on your radio station.
• ‘What Have I Done?’ – A wedding consultant to untangle your nuptial plans for this summer.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: If predictions come to pass, people who have THIS physical feature will be non-existent by the year 2100.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Red hair. (The gene is in recession.)
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.
WELCOME BS-ERS!
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