January 19, 2005

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Wednesday, January 19, 2005        Edition: #2951
The Sheet Hits the Fans!

TODAY Kenny Chesney, the Temptations, Yolanda Adams & the Gatlin Bros are among those performing in the inaugural week “Celebration of Freedom” on the White House Ellipse in Washington DC . . . TONIGHT the Texas State Society sponsors the “Black Tie & Boots Ball” featuring Sara Evans, Asleep at the Wheel, Neal McCoy, Lyle Lovett & Clay Walker (10,000 tickets sold out at $125 each!) . . . A former ‘friend’ of “Desperate Housewives” star Nicolette Sheridan is attempting to sell a dozen naked photos of her that he shot over the past 10 years, but so far only Larry Flynt’s sleazy “Hustler” has expressed any interest (with all the cosmetic surgery and heavy makeup, doesn’t she look like a guy in drag?) . . . Brad Pitt & Jennifer Aniston may be looking at a legal battle over their $190-million fortune because, word has it, there was no pre-nuptial agreement (among the goodies – a $15-million mansion, a $5.7-million yacht, a ranch and their film company) . . . Brad Pitt has reportedly shot a Heineken ad that will appear during the Super Bowl in which he’s chased through the streets by paparazzi after buying a 6-pack in a store, only to find out – they’re after the beer! . . . Actress Nicole Kidman is said to be getting the minimum acting wage of $570-a-week to co-star in the Aussie film “Eucalyptus” with Russell Crowe . . . Paris Hilton has become a homeowner for the first time, buying a $3-million Tuscan-style villa in the Hollywood Hills . . . 62-year-old “Monty Python” star Terry Jones has dumped Alison Telfer, his wife of 35 years, to move in with Swedish student Anna Soderstom, who is 41 years his junior and 7 years younger than – his grown son! . . . “Beyond the Sea” actress Kate Bosworth will star in Robert Altman-directed TV ads promoting a new line of Revlon mascara, which will likely draw further attention to the fact she has odd-eyes – literally – one brown & one blue! (is there a word for that?) . . . “American Idol” judge Randy Jackson is launching a new gym for overweight kids under 16 (not that he works out – his half-ton weight-loss was due to gastric bypass surgery) . . . And  according to the “Hollywood Reporter”, producer Mark Burnett & Donald Trump are now developing “The Apprentice: The Musical” (no … please … have mercy!!!).

• Elton John – He’s reportedly spent $19,000 on diamond-encrusted Tiffany collars for the dogs that live at his favorite local pub, the Leatherne Bottel, near his Oxfordshire UK home.
• 50 Cent – As new owner of  Mike Tyson’s Connecticut mansion (bought for a song at $24 million), he plans to spend $5 million to have it redecorated, including removing the gold ‘Team Tyson’ plaques that adorn the walls in all 18 bedrooms and 38 bathrooms.
• Hilary Duff – While in Toronto, she and boyfriend Joel Madden of Good Charlotte made a visit to the CNIB, where she was presented with a plaque for her gift of $50,000 to help fund toy-lending libraries at the CNIB’s Toronto & Hamilton offices.
• Madonna – Her publishing company is accusing Mary J Blige of ripping off the tune to her 1983 hit “Holiday” for the “Barbershop 2″ soundtrack tune “Not Today”. They’re suing both Blige and her collaborators Eve & Dr Dre.
• Reba McEntire – Her current single, “He Gets That From Me”, is her 54th top-10 hit in “Billboard” magazine, tying her with Dolly Parton for most top-10s by a female country artist.
• Seal – He & model fiancée Heidi Klum are setting up home in LA, buying a $4.3-million Bel Air estate with a nice ocean view.

New cutting-edge vocab …
• ‘Playlistism’ – The discrimination of others based on their iTunes playlist. (Not to be confused with ‘iPod Envy’.)
• ‘Perma-youth’ – An appearance of youthfulness maintained by using cosmetic surgery. It could also refer to the person who maintains such an appearance. (“Dude, did you see that perma-youth Teri Hatcher at the Golden Globes? She’s a hottie!”)
• ‘Adora ‘ – A new breed of low-carb potato. Testing shows the Adora potato contains a third fewer carbohydrates and a quarter less calories. (This might get Atkins diet zealots to actually eat french fries again!)

Psychologists at Florida’s Rollins College & Japan’s Saitama Institute of Technology have found that young women are beginning to adopt bad driving habits that are normally associated with men. Among them – tailgating, risky passing, honking the horn, and making rude gestures. Researchers say the popular thinking that women are more cautious drivers may no longer be true. Their jacked-up level of aggression behind the wheel shows they’re now exhibiting the same ‘move-it-or-lose-it’ attitude once attributed exclusively to men. (But it still takes a guy to attempt to prove his manhood by installing a 300-dB subwoofer in the trunk.)
– “Times of London”

THIS WEEK French airplane-maker Airbus has unveiled the biggest airliner ever built – the A-380 double-decker, a 555-seat monster that can accommodate over 800 passengers if all-economy seating is used. The plane completely dwarfs Boeing’s 416-seat 747, which for 4 decades has been the reigning heavyweight plane. Airbus is betting their really big bus will reshape the airline industry. (Like trying to get a drink, for instance – “The fat guy in the blue suit in section B45, row 49, seat 287 wants a beer …”)

A BS compendium of recent ‘discoveries’ …
• Scientists say … it’s normal to smell your partner’s clothing for comfort. According to “Psychology Today”, preserving, smelling and/or wearing the clothes of a partner while separated is common. In fact, nearly 90% of women polled confirm they have intentionally sniffed their partners’ shirt. (Yeah, but that’s just while sorting laundry.)
• Scientists say … concentrated grape juice is an effective repellent to keep Canada Geese from messing up public areas, because it tastes like ‘hot sauce’ to the feathered foulers. (Would you want to visit a park after geese have been eating Mexican?)
• Scientists say … smoking marijuana can cause coughing, phlegm production, shortness of breath, and wheezing, according to a new study at Yale University. (To which most pot smokers would respond, “Really? Oh wow!”)
• Scientists say … if you want to eat a breakfast that will help you feel full longer so you eat fewer calories all day long, you should eat eggs. That’s the word from researchers at the Rochester Center for Obesity Research who focused on ‘satiety’ – the feeling of fullness – instead of fat, protein, carbs or cholesterol. (Or try 2 cups of oatmeal – uncooked.)

• THIS WEEK Canadian border security has been escalated going into the US in order to prevent ‘troublemakers’ heading for TOMORROW’s 2nd inauguration of George W Bush.
• Due to Internet piracy, worldwide music sales fell for the 4th straight year in 2004, by 1%. No need to start up a tag day for the music biz though – it’s still a $32.1-billion-per-year industry!

“I’ve been painted as the ‘Wicked Witch of the West’ and a marriage wrecker. But all I’ve ever been to Brad is a shoulder to cry on.”
– Angelina telling the UK’s “Express” she didn’t do it; the Aniston-Pitt split ain’t her fault.


1934 [71] Lloyd Robertson, Stratford ON, CTV Chief News Anchor & Senior News Editor since 1976/CBC-TV’s “The National” anchor 1970-76/CAB Broadcast Hall of Fame (1998) HEADLINES FROM HIS FIRST NEWSCAST: “Henry Hudson has discovered a giant bay in northern Canada; Louis Riel is sentenced to hanging; And it’s official … God is no longer a boy.”

1946 [59] Dolly Parton, Sevierville TN, country singer/songwriter (“I Will Always Love You”)/movie actress (“Steel Magnolias”, “Nine to Five”)/amusement park owner (“Dollywood”)

1954 [51] Katey Sagal, Hollywood CA, TV actress (‘Cate Hennessy’ on “8 Simple Rules” since 2002, “Married … With Children” 1987-97)

1971 [34] Shawn Wayans, NYC, one of the acting Wayans brothers (“White Chicks”, “Scary Movie 1 & 2″)

1973 [32] Drea de Matteo, Queens NY, TV actress (‘Gina Tribbiani’ on “Joey”, ‘Adriana La Cerva’ on “The Sopranos” 1999-2004)

TODAY is “Weedless Wednesday”, a focal point of Canada’s “National Non-Smoking Week” from its beginning in 1977, focusing media and public attention on the benefits of cessation and the community resources available to help smokers quit.
NET: http://www.ncth.ca/NCTH_new.nsf

TODAY is is “Confederate Heroes Day”, observed on the anniversary of the 1807 birth of Robert E Lee. It’s an official holiday in Texas. (Don’t forget to run up that rebel flag!)

TODAY is “Penguin Awareness Day”, to highlight conservation of natural resources by increasing awareness of the interrelationship between humans and marine animals. (What’s black and white, black and white, black and white, black and blue? A penguin falling off an iceberg.)

TODAY is “Cut Yourself Some Slack Day”, a day to ‘do unto ourselves what we would have others do unto us’. Hey give yourself a break, ya loser!

TODAY is “Maintenance Day”, honoring all janitors and building maintenance personnel. (Because they’re good natured swabs.)

TODAY is “International Sing-Out Day”, a time to break out in song just like they do in dumb musicals.

TODAY is the anniversary of the 1809 birth of famed writer Edgar Allan Poe (“The Raven”). For 56 years, in the middle of the night, a mysterious black-hooded man has slunk into the small Baltimore cemetery where Poe is buried to leave a tribute of French cognac and 3 roses at his grave. No one knows the identity of the so-called ‘Poe Toaster’. The visit was first documented in 1949, a century after Poe’s death at age 40. But in 1993 the original visitor left a cryptic note saying, “The torch will be passed.” A later note said the man, who apparently died in 1998, had passed the tradition on to his sons. (Oooooh … spooky!)

1993 [12] Fleetwood Mac reunites to perform at Inaugural Gala for US President Bill Clinton

1915 [90] 1st ‘neon sign’ (it actually spelled out ‘N-E-O-N’, because it was created by George Claude of Paris, France for a demonstration.)

1935 [70] 1st ‘Jockey shorts’ go on sale (beginning the boxers vs briefs controversy)

1951 [54] 1st ‘front-hook bra’ (aka ‘front-end loader’ – fumbling teenage boys cheer!)

1977 [28] 1st recorded snowfall in Miami FL

[Thurs] Philately Day
[Thurs-Jan 30] 2005 Sundance Film Festival
[Fri] Elementary School Teachers Day
[Fri] Hugging Day
[Sat] Answer Your Cat’s Question Day
[Sat] Rid the World of Fad Diets Day
[Sun] Measure Your Feet Day
[Sun] Compliment Day
This Week Is . . . Printing Ink Week
This Month Is . . . Glaucoma Awareness Month


• In Portugal, it’s against the law to pee in the ocean.
• In Australia, it’s illegal to name any animal you plan to eat.
• In Cannes, France it’s illegal to wear a Jerry Lewis mask.
• In Samoa, it’s a crime to forget your wife’s birthday.
• In Italy, anyone considered ‘obese’ is forbidden from wearing polyester.
– “Weekly World News”

• It’s good to see you … it means you’re not behind my back.
• My wife is one of the main reasons for the invention of twin beds.
• The boss is a real pain in the neck. Of course, some people have a lower opinion of her.

SATURDAY at “RiverFest” in Banff AB, there’s a ‘Human Curling’ competition. Yep, it’s your chance to be the curling rock as you tuck into an inner-tube and are sent sliding towards the target. But what the heck do they use for brooms?
PHONER: 403.762.0285 (Banff Special Events)

• Nicole Kidman has just revealed that ever since childhood she has suffered from ‘lepidopterophobia’. What does she have a morbid fear of?
a. Marriage.
b. Short men.
c. Butterflies. [CORRECT]

• You are a ‘librocubicularist’. What do you like to do?
a. Whistle.
b. Read in bed. [CORRECT]
c. Give people ‘wet willies’ in the ear.

• How can you tell if your grandmother is experiencing ‘eugeria’?
a. She’s laughing. [CORRECT. It’s the term for ‘normal and happy old age’.]
b. She’s crying.
c. She’s tooting.

• If your friend is a ‘spermologer’. What does he collect?
a. Whales.
b. Dust.
c. Trivia. [CORRECT]
– “In A Word”

Today’s Question: If you’re going to do THIS, experts say Wednesday is the best day to do it.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Start a diet.

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