Monday, January 17, 2005 Edition: #2949
Another Sheetload of Bull!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
• TONIGHT Canada’s most-watched homegrown TV show “Corner Gas” moves to its new night on CTV (so the new season of “American Idol” can take over the Tuesday time slot). TONIGHT’s curling-themed episode features guest appearances from Canadian curling champs Randy Ferbey & Dave Nedohin. (Does it seem like they’re running out of plot ideas for the tiny town of Dog River SK?)
– “Chart Attack”
• TODAY “Malcolm In The Middle” star Jane Kaczmarek and her husband, “West Wing” actor Bradley Whitford, are sponsoring a “Clothes Off Our Back” auction to benefit tsunami victims, Celebs are donating their lavish outfits from LAST NIGHT’s “Golden Globe Awards”. The items will be auctioned online. (Even if it’s for a good cause, would you want to buy Michael Moore’s sweaty used tux?)
• Alas, poor 40-year-old “Desperate Housewives” star Teri Hatcher says she’s given up on finding romance because the men she wants are always attached. Her only recent dating activity has been with her ex-husband Jon Tenney, and a date with a dentist set up by Jay Leno. Meantime, pseudo-actress Pamela Anderson says she could have become a “Desperate Housewife” but she decided she didn’t want to darken her hair color to land the part. The role that Anderson and producers were discussing? ‘Susan Mayer’, eventually given to Terri Hatcher.
– “Us Magazine”/”Star Gossip”
• Janet Jackson has reportedly taken to wearing a diamond-encrusted black penis around her neck. The $18,000 charm-on-a-chain is said to ‘get excited’ when pulled, and has become her current favorite accessory. (Take about your family ‘jewels’.)
– “Female First”
• Word has it Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen are going their separate ways – at least when it comes to living accommodations. Pals say Mary-Kate will move out of their current NYC apartment and into a spacious loft of her own, apparently because the twins want to find their ‘individual identities’. But it seems the arrangement may be temporary. Sources say they’re likely to cohabit once again once construction on their $7.3-million apartment in the West Village is completed later THIS YEAR.
– “Star Magazine”
• “Judging Amy” actress Amy Brenneman & her husband, “Lemony Snicket” director Brad Silberling, are expecting their 2nd child. That’s great news for them – but bad news for her show’s scriptwriters. You see, it would be easy to write her real-life pregnancy into the show except for the fact that – her fictional character recently became pregnant and suffered a miscarriage. (Which will either turn out to have been a dream sequence or the experience of a surprise evil twin judge.)
– “Daily Dish”
• After airing just one single episode, CBS-TV has dumped its last will & testament reality show called “The Will”. The show joins a handful of other one-shot blunders in TV history. The problem? It ranked a woeful 79th in the ratings. (Perhaps instead of “The Will” they should have called it “Desperate Relatives”?)
– “Reality Blurred”
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Black Eyed Peas – After comparing photos of singer Fergie taken 5 years apart, a plastic surgeon says it’s likely she’s had lip implants, breast implants, a brow lift and a nose job.
• 50 Cent – He’s reportedly so terrified of being shot again, he’s hired 100 bodyguards to protect him. He also allegedly wears a bulletproof vest to bed and refuses to leave his LA or NYC homes unless he’s accompanied by his highly-paid entourage.
• Gwen Stefani – The red vinyl dress she wore on the cover of No Doubt’s “Tragic Kingdom” album has been stolen from an exhibition of rock ‘n’ roll memorabilia at California’s Fullerton Museum Center. Members of the band are asking that the dress be returned, no questions asked.
• Linkin Park – They’ve donated $100,000 to the Music for Relief Fund. Lead singer Chester Bennington says the goal of the charity extends beyond the tsunami crisis. He’s hopeful it will become a nest egg so the industry won’t have to build a fund from scratch each time there’s a new disaster.
• matchbox twenty – The band has decided ‘not to renew the services’ of long-time guitarist Adam Gaynor. No reason has been given for the split. The group is presently on hiatus as several members are tackling individual projects, including lead singer Rob Thomas’s debut solo album, “Something To Be”, due in late APRIL.
• Shakira – Nearly 4 years after her smash English-language debut album, “Laundry Service”, she’s finally preparing a new studio album. Little is known about it other than it’s due later THIS YEAR and she’s writing and/or co-writing her own material.
• Shania Twain – She & producer-hubby Mutt Lange plan to farm up to 15,000 merino sheep on their newly-acquired New Zealand property and expect to turn the investment into an $800,000-a-year business within 2 years.
ANOTHER %#@#?!!!! STUDY:
A nationwide study on cursing finds men are twice as likely to use curse words when angry as women. The average woman has 29 nasty words in her vocabulary, while the average male is fluent with 50. (That’s a heckuva lot of body parts and religious expressions to memorize!)
– “The Week”
NO ONE’S BUYING THE BIG BOOGER:
London artist James Robert Ford is having a tough time getting his asking price for a sculpture he created from 2 years of – nose pickings. Although he somehow managed to exhibit the ‘work’ at 4 different art galleries, he hasn’t received anywhere near the $20,000 he wants for the glob of goo that’s just a tad smaller than a golf ball. In fact, he’s received only a handful of bids in the $50 to $250 range. Trying to rationalize his absurd pricing, the artist explains that each booger is a part of his body and would be impossible for any other artist to replicate. Grasping for more straws, he adds that the work is a ‘physical record’ of all the different places he’s been. (Unfortunately, the sculpture is snot any good.)
– “Curious Times”
IT’S FREE? GIMME A TONNE!
Vancouver residents actually lined up for free de-icing salt given away LAST WEEK by the city. It seems a spat of icy weather resulted in a shortage of rock salt and other de-icers in local stores so the city decided to give 5 kg to any resident who wanted some. It was never expected the giveaway would become so popular. Final figures after the 3 days of freebies – 11,000 residents walked off with a total of 95 tonnes! Maintenance officials say people don’t seem to realize how long 5-k’s of the stuff will last them. (Overheard for the next 10 years: “Mom, this stew tastes funny …”)
– CBC News
THIS COMPANY STINKS:
Britain’s Dale Air Co is in the business of creating – smells. Among their past odorific creations – ‘Egyptian Mummy’ for a Stockholm museum, ‘Eau De Latrine’ for the UK’s Imperial War Museum, ‘Sports Changing Room’ and ‘Dragon Breath’. Now the company is offering sophisticated consumers looking to stage successful dinner parties a new ‘Air-Flavoring System’. You just press a button on the electric, wall-mounted dispenser and it releases the essence you choose, which might include ‘Fresh Coriander’, ‘Roast Chicken’ or ‘Mixed Spices’ for the first part of the meal, then ‘Virtual Chocolate’ for dessert. Despite the release of these mouth-watering new scents, the company’s best seller is still – ‘Flatulence’.
– “Weekend Telegraph”
PASS THE COW:
19-year-old college student Kate Stelnick of Princeton NJ has become the first to meet the challenge of Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield PA – down the restaurant’s 6-pound hamburger along with its 5 pounds of fixin’s within 3 hours. She decided to give it a shot after seeing the monster burger, dubbed ‘Ye Old 96er’, on the Food Network. She managed to down the big burg in 2 hours, 54 minutes after not eating for 2 days in preparation. Oh yeah … big-eatin’ Kate weighs a whopping – 100 lbs!
PHONER: 814.765.7190 (Denny Leigey Jr, Denny’s Beer Barrel Pub)
HAIR OF THE DOG:
Victoria Pettigrew started VIP Fibers 3 years ago in Morgan Hill CA and has developed an enthusiastic clientele who pay her to make specialty items such as blankets, pillows and scarves from their – pet’s hair. Her slogan is ‘Better yarn from your pet than a sheep you never met’. Among her creations: a blanket, 2 couch pillows, a small teddy bear, a scarf and a picture frame, all created from the sheddings of a single Golden Retriever. Pettigrew has also created items from the hair of cats, alpaca, bison, rabbits, hamsters, cows and horses. (She could likely make a nice sweater from the scrapings in [co-host’s] shower.)
– “Salt Lake Tribune”
BS AMAZING FACT:
Dom Perignon, the Benedictine monk, was originally employed by his abbey to get the bubbles OUT of champagne.
AND WE QUOTE:
“I love the way a man thinks. I love the way a man smells. I love the way men look. I’m hooked on the male physique. Hooked on it!” – Nicole Kidman explaining to “The Irish Times” why all her relationships are stinkers.
THE BULL SHEET 01.17.2K5
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931  James Earl Jones, Arkabutla MS, movie actor (voice of ‘Darth Vader’ in “Star Wars” series, voice of ‘Mufasa’ in “The Lion King”, )/ballsy commercial voice (“This is CNN”)
1942  Muhammad Ali, Louisville KY, 3-time heavyweight boxing champ with career record of 56-5 including 37 KOs and 19 successful title defenses for $69-million total earnings/Parkinson’s victim
1962  Jim Carrey, Newmarket ON, movie actor (“Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events”, “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”) UP NEXT: His projects for 2005 include “The Six Million Dollar Man”, “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” and “Fun with Dick & Jane”.
1966  Joshua Malina, NYC, TV actor (‘Will Bailey’ on “The West Wing” since 2002)
1971  Kid Rock (Robert James Ritchie), Romeo MI, country/rock singer (“Picture”, “Cowboy”) FACTOID: The kerfuffle over him headlining “America Rocks Today: A Call to Service”, a concert hosted by Jenna & Barbara Bush during THIS WEEK’S inauguration festivities in Washington DC, was all for naught – he was apparently never on the bill.
1982  Amanda Wilkinson, Belleville ON, country singer (The Wilkinsons-“Jimmy’s Got a Girlfriend”, “Boy Oh Boy”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[USA] “Martin Luther King Jr Day”
TODAY is “Martin Luther King Jr Day” in the USA, to honor the civil rights leader’s birth date (January 15th). It’s been celebrated as a legal holiday on the 3rd Monday in January since 1986.
TODAY-Sunday the “Canadian Figure Skating Championships” jump to it at the John Labatt Centre in London ON.
PHONER: 519.667.5703 (Kevin Webb, Event Coordinator)
TODAY is “National Get to Know Your Customer Day”. (Tomorrow is ‘Lock the Front Door, Here Comes That Pain-in-the-Butt Again Day’)
TODAY is “Saint Anthony Day”, honoring the patron saint of domestic animals. That’s why TODAY is also the annual “Blessing of the Animals” at the Cathedral in Mexico City, when chickens, cows and house pets decorated with flowers are on parade. (Tomorrow is the annual ‘Scrape Off the Cathedral Steps Day’.)
TODAY is “Judgment Day”, a day to look at yourself in the mirror and see how you’re doing. (Tomorrow is ‘Sign Up at the Fitness Club Day’.) .
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1995  Shania Twain releases her first hit single, “Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1795  1st ‘Curling Club’ organized, the Dudingston Curling Society in Edinburgh, Scotland (and the next day, the 1st skip suffers a hangover)
1996  Ottawa Senators play 1st game in new 18,000-seat ‘Palladium’ (now Corel Centre)
1874  1st well-known Siamese twins Chang and Eng, who are joined at the chest, die at 63 (after years of touring with the PT Barnum Show, they retired to 2 farms in North Carolina, married 2 sisters and raised 2 families – ALTERNATING nights between farms!)
1995  NFL’s Los Angeles Rams announce move to St Louis (that worked out well, but they should never have visited Atlanta!)
COMING UP . . .
[Tues] 4th season of “American Idol” debuts
[Wed] Weedless Wednesday
[Wed] International Sing-Out Day
[Thurs] 2nd Inauguration of President George W Bush
[Thurs-Jan 30] 2005 Sundance Film Festival
[Fri] Squirrel Appreciation Day
[Sat] Donald Trump weds Melinia Knauss
THIS WEEK IS . . .
Non-Smoking Week in Canada
Printing Ink Week
Fire the Boss Week
Let Men Be Our Heroes Week
Special Education Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
WEIRD TABLOID BS:
• “Adam & Ed – Gay Couple Were First Humans!”
• “Bigfoot Caught in College Panty Raid!”
• “Ice Skating Queens in Slugfest!”
• “Animal-Loving Lifeguard Rescues Shark from Fat Swimmer!”
• “Forget the Gold – Pot of Pot Found at End of Rainbow!”
– “Weekly World News”
Q: In which month are Australian couples most likely to wed?
A: JANUARY is the month of weddings in Australia, because it’s now mid-summer there.
BS PHONE STARTER:
Which politician do you think would look best in drag?
They’ve topped off construction on the world’s tallest, fastest roller coaster at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson NJ as an enormous crane hoisted the final piece of steel track into place on the central tower of ‘Kingda Ka’. When it finally opens for biz, the coaster will shatter existing world records for both speed and height, launching from 0 to 128 mph in 3.5 seconds and reaching a maximum height of 456 feet.
PHONER: 732.928.2000 x2832 (Kristin Siebeneicher, PR Manager)
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Nutrition experts say THIS is the # 1 food you can eat to boost your sex drive.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Oatmeal.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The person with the least expertise has the most options.
“The Bull Sheet” salutes Steve Cole @ KDQN De Queen AR and Hal Anderson @ CJKR [Power 97] Winnipeg MB who are both back for another spanking new year of “BS” service. Welcome also to samplers this week that include Jay Walsh @ KLTD [Eagle 101] Austin TX; Jaime Mendez @ KTFH [The Bridge] Seattle WA; and Judy Garza @ KKOT [The Hawk] Columbus NE. Subscribing to “BS” or renewing your subscription is as simple as clicking the link at the top of the page!