Wednesday, January 5, 2005 Edition: #2941
If You Can’t Dazzle Them with Brilliance, Baffle Them with Bull!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
“Desperate Housewives” star Nicollette Sheridan will soon be less desperate after becoming engaged to her Swedish-born boyfriend Niklas Soderblom, but so far there’s no word on a wedding date . . . Actress Jennifer Garner is reportedly very sick with a viral infection that’s interrupting the promotion schedule for her new movie “Elektra”, opening JANUARY 14th . . . A roll of toilet paper the Beatles refused to use at their Abbey Road studio because it was ‘too hard and shiny’ and each sheet had ‘EMI LTD’ stamped on it is up for auction on eBay for – whoa! – a starting price of $75,000! . . . FOX-TV will attempt to squeeze every last penny out of “That 70’s Show”, formulating plans to keep the sitcom going after Topher Grace bails at the end of THIS SEASON and Ashton Kutcher makes only token appearances . . . General Wesley Clark, who ran for the Democratic nomination for US president, is writing a TV sitcom based on the experiences of – what a stretch! – a retired general who has to adjust to life as a civilian.
BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Britney Spears – She’s busy working on a new album just weeks after announcing she intended to take an extended break of at least 2 years. Word is it may be called “The Original Doll”. Meantime, Beyonce Knowles’ manager-father Matthew has expressed interest in managing Britney since she’s recently dumped her longtime manager Larry Rudolph.
• Franz Ferdinand – The Scots rockers say they’re amazed their recent success has brought them an army of groupies, but they intend to maintain their ‘hands-off’ policy with fans because they’re each involved in a relationship.
• Gwen Stefani – She refuses to work on Sundays because she’s designated it as a day to spend time at home with her husband Gavin Rossdale.
• Jessica Simpson – She’s revealed her mother used to pull her legs every night in an attempt to stretch them to a more proportional length. It seems Tina Simpson was worried about her daughter’s, quote, ‘long body and dwarf legs’.
• Madonna – She and hubby Guy Ritchie renewed their wedding vows on their 4th anniversary in a top-secret ceremony at their UK estate.
• Missy Elliott – TODAY she’s on ABC-TV’s daytime talk show “The View”.
• Seal – He and model gal Heidi Klum became engaged over the holiday season.
• Sting – He’s raised more than $250,000 at a UNICEF charity auction by offering his services as a yoga teacher. One fan paid $150,000 and another $115,000 for 2 hour-long sessions.
BEST BEFORE NOON:
Studies show that 7 am is the optimum time of the day to make love because of early-morning hormone surges (ew, what about ‘morning mouth’?). And the least opportune time to do the nasty? 12 o’clock mid-day. (Forget about those nooners!)
– “Men’s Fitness”
TIME-SAVERS WASTE TIME:
Todd Duncan, author of the new book “Time Traps” says we’re wasting our time on time-saving devices. Thanks to BlackBerrys, e-mail, instant messaging and cell phones, today’s office environment is much more interruption-prone than ever. With people trying to reach us at all times, we’re swamped. In fact, Duncan says, we average just 3.5 minutes to focus on any one thing before being interrupted by something else. His bottom line – we simply have way too much going on for the amount of time we have to do it. (More on this in just a sec … the e-mail pager on my PDA is vibrating.)
– “Washington Post”
RNs DOWN UNDER ARE PO-ED:
Registered nurses in Australia may boycott a chain of lingerie shops for selling a sexy nurse outfit they say demeans their profession. The ‘Naughty Nurse’ get-up is an all-white bustier and mini-skirt, trimmed in lace with red piping and a Red Cross logo. The Australian Nurses Federation claims most nurses would find it offensive, including the 8% who are male. (And would prefer something in a fuller cut.)
– “NY Post”
K-RATIONS TO GO:
Good news for the victims of the tsunami: water is on the way. And not just any water. Kabbalah water. Leaders of the currently hot off-shoot of Judaism have sent more than 10,000 liters of the trendy bottled water to the disaster-stricken people of Indonesia. The drink is the favorite of celebs such as Madonna and Demi Moore. (Why don’t they take a cue from Sandra Bullock and just send money?)
– “The Scoop”
YOU WATCH YOUR ASTEROID:
NASA has issued its highest-ever threat warning by giving asteroid 2004 MN4 a rating of 4 on the 10-point Torino Scale used to rate intergalactic threats. The highest previous rating was 1. The rating for 2004 MN4 means there is a 1.6% chance that it and Earth will collide when they cross paths April 13, 2029. (The really bad news is … this could lead to “Armageddon 2″.)
– “Herald Sun”
GOOFY NEW GIZMOS:
• The new ‘Liv-a-Littles’ dog treats are made with ingredients that are approved for human consumption. That’s why they’re touted as ‘a low-carb snack that you and your pup can chew on’. (“Hey Killer, you gonna finish that?”)
• Cars have turn signals, so why not humans? The new ‘Pedestrian Turn Signals’ have snug, thin wires that fit around your earlobe. Use the attached remote to choose which ear you want to light up, or light up both to show that you’re braking. (Leave the left one on to show that you’re old!)
OUR GREATEST FEARS:
1. Public speaking
2. Getting fat.
3. Going out alone at night.
– “Health” magazine
JOCK TALK:
According to a new fan poll, here are the most overused sports cliches …
1. “We’re taking them one at a time.”
2. “He’s giving 110 per cent.”
3. “This is as big as it gets.”
Moving on up – “It is what it is.”
NET: http://bestsportscliches.com
BS AMAZING FACT:
Brownsville TX received 1.5 inches of snow Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning, its first measurable since February 14, 1895 according to new stats from the US National Weather Service.
AND WE QUOTE:
“Hi, I’m Richard Gere and I’m speaking for the entire world …”
– Activist actor Richard Gere kicking off a ‘get out and vote’ ad put together by pro-peace group One Voice that encourages Palestinians to vote in NEXT WEEK’S presidential elections.
THE BULL SHEET 01.05.2K5
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [74] Robert Duvall, San Diego CA, movie actor (“Secondhand Lions”, Oscar-“Tender Mercies”)
1942 [63] Charlie Rose, Henderson NC, TV journalist (“60 Minutes II” since 1999, “The Charlie Rose Show” since 1991)
1946 [59] Diane Keaton (Hall), LA CA, movie actress (“Something’s Gotta Give”, Oscar-“Annie Hall”)
1969 [36] Marilyn Manson (Brian Warner), Canton OH, rock singer (“Golden Age of Grotesque”)
1975 [30] Warrick Dunn, Baton Rouge LA, NFL RB (Atlanta Falcons)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Twelfth Night”, the eve of “Epiphany”. TOMORROW is the “Twelfth Day of Christmas” or “Epiphany” (according to the carol, your true love should give to you ’12 drummers drumming’.) Children in Mexico expect a visit from ‘Los Tres Reyes’ (The Three Kings) who bring gifts camel-back. In Italy, ‘La Befana’, a kindly witch, slides down chimneys on her broom to bring toys and goodies for kids. “Carnival Season” kicks off TOMORROW in many countries and lasts through “Shrove Tuesday”.
THIS WEEK is “Someday We’ll Laugh About This Week”. Studies show it takes less than 7 days for people to break 90% of their News Year’s Resolutions. So don’t sweat it – laugh about it!
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1970 [35] Daytime drama “All My Children” debuts on ABC-TV (after all these years, the characters are still marrying, lying & cheating, having their cousin’s babies, getting weird diseases, dying and then coming back)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1835 [170] 1st ‘Worcestershire (WUSS-ta-sure) sauce’ introduced by Lea & Perrins
1940 [65] 1st demonstration of ‘FM radio’ by inventor Edwin Armstrong
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1958 [47] 424 coins and 5 lbs of wire removed from man’s stomach in Sedgefield UK (“How’s he doing after the operation, doctor?” “No change.”)
1987 [18] Tony Ferko sets world record by juggling 7 ping pong balls … with his mouth
COMING UP . . .
[Thurs] International Respect For Living Day
[Fri] Show & Tell Day at Work
[Fri] Organize Your Home Day
[Sat] Elvis Presley’s Birthday
[Sun] 31st People’s Choice Awards
[Mon] Thank God It’s Monday Day
[Mon] BS Egg Balancing Day
This Week Is . . . Universal Letter-Writing Week (“Dear Aunt Gladys: Thank-you for the really, um, unusual Christmas gift …”)
This Month Is . . . Careers in Cosmetology Month (as in “Would you like some of this scent sprayed on your wrist?”)
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit we spell the names of planets with a capital, but most of the time we spell ‘Earth’ with a lower case ‘e’?
• Whyzit people who know the least know it the loudest?
• Whyzit you ‘fill in’ a form by ‘filling it out’ and an alarm clock ‘goes off’ by ‘going on’?
• Whyzit the things most people want to know about are usually none of their business?
• Whyzit there’s no such thing as canned broccoli?
• Whyzit that we call chicken ‘chicken’ but don’t call pork ‘pig’ or steak ‘cow’?
• Whyzit you have to wash bath towels? Aren’t you clean when you use them?
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN WHEN …
• The local phone book has only one yellow page.
• 3rd Street is on the edge of town.
• You don’t signal turns because everyone knows where you’re going anyway.
• No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
• A ‘Night on the Town’ takes about 11 minutes.
• Last year’s New Year’s baby was born in October.
BS PHONE STARTER:
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen someone put ketchup on? Check out some of its common uses around-the-world …
• Sweden – on pasta.
• Britain – on fish and chips.
• Spain and India – on eggs.
• Eastern Europe – on pizza.
• Japan – on rice.
• Denmark – on spaghetti.
• Thailand – potato chip dip.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 25% of married couples say they would do THIS if they won the lottery.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Get a divorce.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
