Tuesday, January 27, 2004        Edition: #2711
Never Accept a Generic – Ask For Pure “BS”!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY nominations for the 76th “Academy Awards” will be announced, 2 weeks earlier than previously because the awards have been moved up from late March to FEBRUARY 29th (http://www.oscars.com) . . . The Bennifer box office bomb “Gigli” has a leading 9 nominations for the Razzies, the annual spoof of the Oscars that mocks the year’s worst films (awarded FEBRUARY 28th) . . . Word has it Jennifer Lopez hasn’t yet decided whether or not to give back Ben Affleck’s 6.1-carat pink diamond engagement ring . . . Now that Bennifer is dead, Ben Affleck is busy writing a screenplay with Matt Damon, re-teaming with his buddy to see if they can match the success of the screenplay that made them both stars – “Good Will Hunting” . . . Gwen Stefani wants to break out as a solo act, signing her own contract with Interscope and bringing OutKast’s Andre 3000 on board as her producer (buzz is her No Doubt bandmates are not thrilled) . . . Pals of Ashton Kutcher are claiming he plans to marry Demi Moore in MAY, a deal that was sealed with a 19-carat diamond bracelet . . . Meantime, Kutcher and his “That 70s Show” castmates have decided the show’s next season will be the last . . . “Tonight Show” announcer Edd Hall will sign off in MARCH after 12 years on the gig . . . Former “American Idol” contestant Josh Gracin has signed a country recording deal with Lyric Street Records and has used his recent furloughs from the US Marines to record in Nashville with Rascal Flatts producer Marty Williams . . . In her new book, “The Best Awful”, former “Star Wars” actress Carrie Fisher describes herself as a ‘fag widow’ – a woman who’s been dumped for a man – and claims she was ahead of Liza Minnelli on that front (Fisher has only been married once – to singer Paul Simon – what’s she trying to say here?).

TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
• “Thirteen” (Drama – DVD): First-time director Catherine Hardwicke won the “Sundance Film Festival” ‘Directing Award’ for this unique project co-written with then-13-year-old Nikki Reed, who lived many of the events depicted. It’s a provocative portrait of what today’s teens are thinking, doing, feeling and going through. Stars Evan Rachel Wood, Nikki Reed & Holly Hunter.
• “Le Divorce” (Romantic Comedy – DVD):  A James Ivory film based on the best-selling novel by Diane Johnson. Kate Hudson & Naomi Watts play American sisters abroad, caught up in the intimate intrigue of Paris. Appearances by Glenn Close, Stockard Channing, Sam Waterston & Matthew Modine.
• “Radio” (Family Biopic – DVD): The real-life story of  mentally-challenged James Robert Kennedy who for more than 40 years was a fixture at high school football games in Anderson SC. The film focuses on the mentoring relationship between the coach (Ed Harris) and ‘Radio’ (Cuba Gooding Jr).
• “House of the Dead” (Horror – DVD): No-name thriller about a group of college co-eds trapped on an island that’s taken over by blood-feasting zombies. They must use every weapon at their disposal to survive a night while the killer undead stalk them.
• And for DVD collectors there’s TV’s “Friends: 6th Season”, and yet another Disney repackaging – “Alice in Wonderland: Masterpiece Edition”.

PUCK SCIENCE:
Alain Hache, a physicist at New Brunswick’s University of Moncton, has combined two of his passions in his new book “The Physics of Hockey”. According to his calculations, when a pair of NHL hockey players collide, their pads and body tissues can absorb enough energy to power a 100-watt light bulb for a minute-and-a-half. And during the 60 minutes of a hockey game, players can burn as many as 6,000 calories and lose up to 15 pounds.

ALMOST AS LONG AS “LORD OF THE RINGS”:
A theater in Santiago, Chile has staged a play in which actors simulated sex – for 27 hours. The actors were dressed in white underwear and flashed glimpses of breast and butt but were never fully naked. The production titled “The Sex” was performed by 4 actors who took turns on stage. One suffered severe cramps after a few hours and had to be given medication in order to continue. Playwright Juan Carlos Montagna says his creation is designed to question our sexuality without prejudice. The audience was allowed to leave and come back at any time during the performance.

NIC’ FIT NEWS:
• University of Michigan researchers have found that high school seniors who smoke are 12 times more likely to still be smokers at age 35, compared to those who never light up in high school.
• Duke University researchers have developed a liquid nicotine solution that can be added to a beverage to satisfy nicotine cravings. So instead of a nicotine patch, you can just add a drop or two to your beverage, offering the possibility of a beer and a cigarette in a single sip!

COOL COFFIN:
South African inventor Pieter van Rensberg has developed a ‘refrigerated coffin’ that can keep an unembalmed body fresh for up to a month. Why? The gizmo reportedly has good insulation and is relatively cheap to operate, so in Third World countries it could slash the cost of preserving a body long enough to arrange a funeral.

ONLY EMPLOYEES WILL CALL HIM ‘SIR’:
Microsoft co-founder and chairman Bill Gates will be awarded an honorary knighthood by Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II. Gates will be made a Knight Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire, an honor that dates back to 1917, but only British and Commonwealth citizens winning the honor are entitled to add ‘Sir’ in front of their names.

GETTING A GLOW ON:
Tulsa, Oklahoma-based Poppin’ Glow is marketing glow-in-the-dark ice pops called ‘Lick’em Lights’ – yup, a popsicle that lights up much like those glowing necklaces you see at concerts. The product has been available regionally for a couple of years, and the company is now planning several other food products that glow. The biggest problem – convincing consumers that putting a glowing object in your mouth is safe. (Mommy always said not to put nuclear waste in your mouth.)

INTERNET GOES INTERSTATE:
A company called Truckstop.net is setting up high-speed, wireless Internet hook-ups for truckers in restaurants, truck stops, and repair shops across North America – and will even make the service available directly in truck cabs. (Gee, wonder what lonely truckers a thousand miles from home could possibly wanna use the Internet for?)
PHONER: 800.854.8732
NET: http://truckstop.net

PARTS DEPT:
‘Body Bucks: How to Sell Your Body to Science While You’re Still Alive’ is the latest and wackiest course offered by the year-old online New Canoe University, based in Sausalito CA. Instructor Bob Heyman claims that by selling bodily fluids and participating in medical experiments, you can earn $20,000 or more per year. (At $34.95 a pop for his course, we’re guessing Heyman will beat that.)
NET: http://www.newcanoeu.com

THE PRICE OF VIRGINITY:
Strapped-for-cash 18-year-old coed, Rosie Reid of Britain’s University of Bristol, is selling her virginity to the highest bidder on the Internet to pay her college tuition. She’s already received over 400 bids ranging up to $17,500, but wants to clear the entire projected $28,000 it will cost to complete her education. Quote: “My virginity was something really valuable, yet … something I could do without.” (This will be great experience for when she completes her business degree and is pounding the streets looking for ‘jobs’.)

GREAT MOMENTS IN SPORTS:
• Wallace Williams ran in the 1979 “Pan-Am Games” marathon, but was so slow that by the time he reached the stadium it was locked and everyone had left.
• To fight the heat in the 1950 “Tour de France”, Abd-El Kader Zaag drank a bottle of wine and promptly fell off his bike. After sleeping it off by the side of the road, he got back on and rode off – in the wrong direction.
• Preparing for a bout at the 1992 New York “Golden Gloves Championships”, boxer Daniel Caruso psyched himself up by pounding his gloves into his face. In doing so, he broke his nose and was declared unfit to box.

THE BULL SHEET 01.27.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1948 [56] Mikhail Baryshnikov, Riga LATVIA, ballet dancer/sometime TV actor (‘Aleksandr Petrovsky’-“Sex & the City”)

1959 [45] Cris Collinsworth, Dayton OH, NFL analyst (FOX-TV)/ex-NFL WR (Bengals)

1961 [43] Margo Timmins, Montréal QC, pop singer (Cowboy Junkies-“Misguided Angel”)

1964 [40] Bridget Fonda, LA CA, movie actress (“It Could Happen to You“, “Single White Female”)/daughter of Peter Fonda & niece of Jane Fonda

1968 [36] Tracy Lawrence, Atlanta TX, country singer (“Paint Me a Birmingham“, “What a Memory”)

1971 [33] Patrice Brisebois, Montréal QC, NHL defenceman (Montréal Canadiens)

1976 [28] Rhett Warrener, Shaunavon SK, NHL defenceman (Calgary Flames)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
According to the ‘International Thomas Crapper Society’, TODAY is “Thomas Crapper Day”, in honor of the man who invented the toilet flush mechanism, on the anniversary of his death in 1910. Thomas Crapper & Co became engineers by appointment to the ‘throne’ of England.

TODAY is officially “Backwards Day”, a day to pause and look back on your accomplishments (hey, it’ll only take a minute). To celebrate, you’re encouraged to dress, walk and eat meals backwards (dessert first, etc).

TODAY is “Punch the Clock Day”, a day to calmly do your job stress-free, then go home and enjoy your real life. (A warm-up for tomorrow’s ‘Punch the Boss Day’.)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1785 [218] 1st ‘state university’ in America founded (Georgia)

1888 [115] ‘National Geographic Society’ founded in Washington DC

1858 [146] Ottawa 1st selected capital of Canada

1926 [78] Scottish inventor John Logie Baird gives 1st public demonstration of ‘television’ (London UK)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] National Kazoo Day
[Wed] Clash Day
[Wed] School Nurse Day
[Thurs] Corn Chip Day
[Fri] Fun At Work Day
This Week Is . . . Handwriting Analysis Week / Mozart Week (these days he’s DEcomposing)
This Month Is . . . Hot Tea Month / Meat Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
STRANGE-BUT-TRUE BS LAWS:
• In Athens, Greece a driver’s license can be lifted by law if the driver is deemed either ‘poorly dressed’ or ‘unbathed’.
• In Thailand it is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear. And you must wear a shirt while driving a car.
• In Norway you may not spay your female dog or cat. However, you may neuter males.
• In France no pig may be addressed as ‘Napoleon’ by its owner.
• According to a British law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide is a capital offense. Offenders could be hanged for trying.
• Israel’s Supreme Court has ruled that a prison inmate cannot have an inflatable female doll in his cell. (After all, it could hurt his cell-mate’s feelings.)

BS SIGNS YOU’VE HAD WAY TOO MUCH COFFEE:
• You jam a fork into the waitress’ hand when she tries to switch you to decaf.
• You’re up to 4 heart attacks a day
• Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
• You chew fingernails … other people’s fingernails.
• All your kids are named ‘Joe’.
• Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
• You’re passing everybody on the freeway when suddenly you realize – you’re not in a car.

BS BRAIN BUSTER:
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

PHONE STARTERS:
• “What are the most irritating female habits?” (According to the book “The Savvy Woman’s Success Bible” by Tina Flaherty, the absolute worst are: nagging, complaining, just plain talking too much, being too sensitive, taking forever to get dressed, and being messy.)
• “What other activities will you be doing while watching SUNDAY’S Super Bowl?” (According to a survey, 82% will be snacking, 52% think they’ll be yelling at the TV, 44% drinking beer, 39% swearing, and just 26% admit they’ll be betting on the game.)

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• So Ben and Jen have broken up. It must be hard for Ben to leave her behind.
• We rented a video last night called “Head Cleaner”. It was slightly less boring than ”Lord of the Rings”.
• There’s still no cure for the common birthday.
• When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas …

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: About 1 in 10 men say no matter how hard they try they just can’t remember THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Their first lover.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise.