Monday, January 26, 2004 Edition: #2710
Know Your Sheet!
TACKY YET TITILLATING TABLOID BS:
• According to “Daily Dish”, the reason Jennifer Lopez split with Ben Affleck was because of his hard-partying lifestyle and love of gambling. The final straw was said to be the published pics of Ben and his bud’ Matt Damon partying with a bevy of beauties in a German nightclub earlier THIS MONTH. (The engagement dragged down both of their careers. Whose do you think will benefit most from the split?)
• London’s “Sun” tabloid reports that Michael Jackson will soon be sued for the custody of his kids. Court papers will reportedly be filed within 2 weeks in which Debbie Rowe, former ‘wife’ and baby carrier for his first 2 children, accuses him of being ‘unfit to be a father’. And “News of the World” claims those documents will reveal that Michael Jackson is NOT the biological father of his children at all – they were conceived with the aid of an anonymous sperm donor. (The parts of them he lets us see look a lot like David Crosby, don’t ya think?)
• “Star” magazine says now that Clay Aiken has finished a guest shot on the NBC-TV sitcom “Ed”, he’s setting his sights on the White House – an acting gig on “The West Wing”. (Like maybe he could play ‘Charlie Young’s’ illegitimate brother?)
• “NY Post” reports former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson is taking a swing at acting. He’ll play himself in the upcoming movie “When Will I Be Loved”, starring Neve Campbell. Director James Toback says Tyson might have a future in films because he’s a ‘tremendously effective screen presence’. (But would you wanna tell him, ‘Let’s try take 3 on that, Mike’?)
• According to “The Scoop”, actress Catherine Zeta-Jones may be married to one of the wealthiest celebs in Hollywood, but her favorite pastime is – bingo. She’s apparently been a big bingo fan since childhood and still plays whenever she’s back home in Wales. Word has it she once managed to drag hubby Michael Douglas along – who won a bottle of aftershave!
• “TV Guide” reports that Trista Rehn (“The Bachelorette”, “Trista & Ryan’s Wedding”) has been suffering publicity withdrawal since the hoopla over her wedding died, leaving her to deal with her new life as a housewife married to Colorado firefighter Ryan Sutter. Buzz is she’s been pestering at least one TV network, claiming her low-key hubby would make a good actor. “TV Guide” quips, “We agree. He’s been doing a bang-up job … acting like his better half isn’t an attention-crazed prima donna.” (Ouch!)
• And fresh from his brush with death in that all-terrain vehicle accident, Ozzy Osbourne is thinking about becoming a father again. “National Enquirer” claims he’s trying to persuade wife Sharon to have another baby. Her answer? She’d rather have a dog. (Guess they’re easier to train.)
“WEEKLY WORLD NEWS” HEADLINES:
• “Feds Propose Mandatory Masks For the Ugly!”
• “Japan Breeding Army of Godzillas!”
• “Evil Mole People Found in Wyoming!”
• “600-Pound Gal Adopts World’s Fattest Cat!”
• “Eerie Ghosts of Dead Aliens Haunt Roswell!”
• “Flamingo Fairy Unleashing Terror on Yards Across America!”
• “Mad Mouse Disease!”
GOING COURTING:
TODAY 50-year-old Rush guitarist Alex Lifeson is scheduled to be arraigned on charges that include ‘aggravated battery on a law enforcement officer’, ‘resisting an officer with violence’, and ‘disorderly intoxication’. It’s all to do with that New Year’s Eve altercation in the Ritz-Carlton hotel bar in Naples FL.
Source: “Naples Daily News”
THE FORTUNES OF FLIRTING:
Author Lisa Hadaday claims flirting with co-workers gives you a much better boost than a cup of coffee. ‘Flexing your flirt muscles’, she says, is a better work-out than going to the gym because it increases self-esteem and makes you more productive. (And if you sit in the boss’s lap you may actually get a raise.)
NO FOOLING AROUND:
In a survey that asks women how their husbands compare with other lovers they’ve had, just 6% will admit another man has given them better goose bumps. 41% claim their hubby is the absolute best, and 34% say they’ve had no other lovers – so they can’t compare. (Seems only 6% weren’t standing beside their husbands when surveyed.)
Source: “Redbook” magazine.
BUFFALO’S BACK:
The once trendy red meat, bison or buffalo meat, has recovered from a 4-year sales slump and is now back in favor with carnivorous consumers. One reason – a recent surge in public demand for buffalo meat due to the ‘Mad Cow’ scare. Ironically, bison are theoretically just as capable of contracting the disease as cattle. (What’s the proper wine to serve with bearded beast?)
Source: “Denver Post”
SPAM TO SCRAM:
Speaking at the “World Economic Forum” in Davos, Switzerland, Bill Gates has predicted the death of e-mail spam within 2 years. Gates says Microsoft is working on software that will make it ‘impractical’ and ‘uneconomical’ for marketers to send mass e-mails. The new software would require incoming e-mail from an unfamiliar address to prove that it isn’t spam. One possible method of screening would be to send a puzzle back to the sender that only a human could solve. Current anti-spam software uses filters to automatically remove e-mails that contain specific ‘hot words’ that frequently show up in spam. (This method amounts to electronic censorship, because people sending legit mail have to avoid using combinations of common words like ‘mortgage’, ‘free’, ‘cash’, etc. We had one subscriber’s server kick out an edition of “BS” because it included the word ‘cruise’ … as in ‘Tom Cruise’.)
Source: “Pioneer Press”
GETTING RIPPED OFF AT THE TANK:
Florida officials are warning motorists to be on guard against a scam in which thieves are stealing credit card info using an electronic device placed inside gas pumps. The device steals the credit card information, but doesn’t interrupt the sale or flow of gasoline. When the shysters later remove the device, they can make use of the credit card numbers it has copied. It’s a similar scam to one recently found in Southern Ontario, where cash machines in banks were being bugged.
Source: “Tampa Tribune”
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• The name ‘Super Bowl’ originally came from a kid’s toy. AFL pioneer and Kansas City Chiefs owner Lamar Hunt picked up the name from his daughter’s hyper-bouncing ball called ‘Super Ball’. (Just think – a different discarded toy on the floor and we could be watching ‘Slinky XXXVIII’.)
• Over 30,000 people are seriously injured by exercise equipment each year. (Likely while carrying it out for a garage sale.)
• A new British poll ranks Michael Jackson #4 among ‘Most Admired Celebrities. George W Bush and Jesus tied – at #123.
THE BULL SHEET 01.26.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1925 [79] Paul Newman, Cleveland OH, movie legend (Oscar-“Color of Money”, 1986 Honorary Academy Award for career achievement)/auto racer/food products mogul (“Newman’s Own”) FACTOID: It’s been 49 years since his screen debut in 1955’s “The Silver Chalice”, a movie he was so ashamed of, he took out an ad in “Variety” apologizing for his performance.
1955 [49] Eddie Van Halen, Nijmegen NETH, Grammy Award-winning, plastic-hipped classic rock guitarist (Van Halen-“Panama”, “Jump”)
1958 [46] Ellen Degeneres, Metairie LA, TV talk show host (“The Ellen DeGeneres Show” since 2003)/former sitcom star (“Ellen” 1994-98)/comedian
1961 [43] Wayne Gretzky, Brantford ON, Hockey Hall of Fame former player/”Hockey News” ‘All Time Best NHL Player’/9-time NHL MVP/currently NHL Phoenix Coyotes co-owner & GM-without-portfolio/executive director of Canadian Olympic hockey
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Australia Day”, the national day for our mates Down Under that commemorates the 1788 landing of Captain Arthur Phillip at Sydney to establish a penal colony (um, does that mean they were all men?). As part of the celebrations, the 23rd annual “Cockroach Races” will crawl TODAY in Brisbane. Oz is home to about 450 species of cockroaches, most of which are bush dwellers. Aussies are known for their great sense of humor, which is often expressed in their unique applications of the English language.
SPEAKING ‘STRANE’:
See if you can guess what the following Aussie expressions mean …
• ‘Bush Oyster’ . . . Nasal Mucus, Snot.
• ‘Spliced’ . . . Married.
• ‘Grinning Like a Shot Fox’ . . . Very Happy, Smugly Satisfied.
• ‘Trough Lolly’ . . . Deodorant Puck in a Men’s Urinal.
• ‘Aerial Ping-Pong’ . . . Australian Rules Football.
• ‘Pig’s Arse!’ . . . No Way! I Disagree.
• ‘Brekkie’ . . . Breakfast.
• ‘Pommy’ . . . A Brit or Englishman.
• ‘Stickybeak’ . . . Nosy Person.
• ‘Drop Your Strides’ . . . Take Off Your Pants.
• ‘Old Fella’ . . . Penis.
• ‘Mozzie’ . . . Mosquito.
• ‘Piece of Piss’ . . . An Easy Job or Task.
• ‘He’s Got the Wobbly Boot On’ . . . He’s Drunk!
TODAY is “Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day”. Is there anyone who doesn’t become addicted to popping the little bubbles and making them snap? But alas! You have forgotten to bring any bubble wrap in this morning … so you’ll need listeners to call in and ‘pop off’ on the phone. Or you can have fun popping virtual bubbles at these Websites …
NET: http://www.virtual-bubblewrap.com/popnow.shtml
NET: http://www.urban75.com/Mag/bubble.html
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1994 [10] Actor Burt Reynolds gives ex-wife Loni Anderson $2 million cash and a house, finally ending their messy, drawn-out divorce settlement
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
3500BC [5504] Ancient Sumerians invent ‘beer’ (next day, the 1st Sumerian is found driving the ‘big white chariot’)
1875 [129] 1st ‘electric dental drill’ (George Green of Kalamazoo MI is to blame)
1924 [80] 1st gold medal awarded at 1st “Winter Olympics” to American speed skater Charles Jewtraw in Chamonix, France
1935 [69] 1st ‘beer in cans’ (‘Krueger Cream Ale’-Richmond VA)
1979 [25] 1st sales of Coca-Cola in China (‘Ke Kou Ke Lo’)
1984 [20] Apple Computer unveils 1st ‘Macintosh’ PC
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] 76th Academy Awards nominations announced (http://www.oscars.com)
[Tues] Punch the Clock Day
[Tues] Thomas Crapper Day
[Tues] Backwards Day
[Wed] National Kazoo Day
[Wed] Clash Day
[Wed] School Nurse Day
[Thurs] Corn Chip Day
[Fri] Fun At Work Day
THIS WEEK IS . . .
National Nurse Anesthetists Week
Celebrity Read-A-Book Week
International Clergy Appreciation Week
Mozart Week
Activity Professionals Week
Cross Country Skiing Week
National Glaucoma Week
Handwriting Analysis Week
Meat Week
International Green Week
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Does a frontal lobotomy equal ‘piece’ of mind?
• Is a cow just a machine to make grass fit for people to eat?
• Why does the other lane always move faster?
• Is there another word for ‘synonym’?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
WORST MOVIES EVER MADE:
Here’s a good argument starter – what’s the absolute worst film ever made? Interestingly, most of us can’t seem to remember back more than 4 years.
1. “Battlefield Earth” (2000), starring John Travolta.
2. “Gigli” (2003), starring Bennifer.
3. “Halloween III” (1982), starring a mad toymaker.
4. “From Justin to Kelly” (2003), with “American Idol” stars Justin Guarini & Kelly Clarkson.
5. “Glitter” (2001), starring Mariah Carey.
(Wait a sec, this just in – Ashton Kutcher’s “Butterfly Effect” seems to be gaining ground!)
Source: Poll conducted by “My Movies” at yahoo.com.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 27% of women say they would not go on a second date with a guy who did THIS on the first one.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Wore a bow tie.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Nothing’s impossible for those who don’t have to do it.
HOWDY NEWBIES!
This week “BS” welcomes Kiesha Rhoades @ KUBE Seattle WA, Wayne Carlyle @ WRNS Kinston NC, Ken Edwards @ WMML Glens Falls NY, and Nicole Fox @ 5FM Johannesburg, South Africa. Pass the “BS” – we bonus you ONE FREE MONTH for each and every new subscriber you refer!
