January 5, 2004 Edition: #2695
Zee Bull Is Back to Begin a 12th Year of Spreading BS!
Monthly Planning Calendar in Today’s Issue
TITILLATING TABLOID BS:
• “People” online is reporting that 22-year-old Britney Spears married her Kentwood, Louisiana childhood friend Jason Allen Alexander early on SATURDAY at the Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas. The bride reportedly wore jeans and a ball cap, and had a hotel bellman walk her down the aisle. (The groom was later treated in hospital for facial injuries caused by repeatedly pinching himself to see if it was real.)
• But we wonder if she’ll even remember getting hitched – “Daily Mirror” reports that Britney partied with friends New Year’s Eve at Las Vegas’s Rain nightclub, where she inhaled so much booze she was discreetly carried out the back door by her bodyguards. (OK, everybody into the divorce pool!)
• 55-year-old Ozzy Osbourne tells “Sunday Mirror” that he died twice after his quad-bike accident, but was brought back to life both times by his bodyguard Sam Ruston, who gave Oz mouth-to-mouth. (Ew … thanks for THAT mental picture!)
• “Daily Dish” reports that 22-year-old hotel heiress-turned-reality TV star Paris Hilton is the latest high-profile convert to the Kabbalah faith. She reportedly signed up for teachings at LA’s Kabbalah Center, where both Madonna and Demi Moore are regulars, and was given the sect’s signature red string bracelet, which supposedly falls off when the wearer is purged of negativity. Word is positive Paris’s fell off after just one day!
• UK’s “Sun” tab says that actress Renee Zellweger has earned the nickname ‘Random Renee’ on the London set of the now-shooting “Bridget Jones” sequel. A source on the set says she’s become so ‘scatty’, she weirdly wanders off into her own little world right in the middle of conversations. (Pining for Jack White?)
• “Page Six” claims that Brad Pitt made wife Jennifer Aniston’s fantasy come true LAST WEEK when he dressed up like Duran Duran lead singer Simon Le Bon for a costume party and warbled a karaoke version of the band’s hit “Wild Boys”. Seems Le Bon was Jen’s first crush as a girl and Brad wanted to make her dream come true. Aniston, by the way, came dressed as ‘Helen of Troy’, in tribute to her hubby’s upcoming movie epic “Troy”.
• Down Under “Crocodile Hunter” Steve Irwin may face a police investigation for holding his month-old baby son a few feet from the mouth of a crocodile during a packed show at his Australian Zoo reptile park. Online tabloid “Ananova” reports that Irwin held his new son ‘Bob’ in one arm while using the other to dangle a dead chicken in front of a 13-foot croc. Irwin defended his behavior by saying, “This kid has to grow up to be croc savvy.” (Then he ran off to call Michael Jackson’s lawyer.)
• “NY Post” suggests that Sean Combs may be ready to shed his silly ‘P Diddy’ nickname. He recently told a club crowd on the Caribbean island of St Barts, “First they called me Puff Daddy, then they called me P Diddy. But now I’m just Sean Combs.”
• And 27-year-old Irish movie hunk Colin Farrell reportedly stunned the staff at an upmarket London clothier by attempting to try their expensive duds on – minus underwear. It seems the cheeky star turned up at the swanky store ‘commando’. “Daily Dish” says the wildman actor’s assistant quickly rectified the situation by buying some undies in a nearby store.
THE WEEK’S WEIRDEST HEADLINES:
• “Fat Folks Making Planes Too Heavy to Fly!”
• “Noah’s Ark Found in Iraq!”
• “Witch Doctor to Turn Camilla Parker-Bowles into Man!”
• “Pamela Anderson’s Breasts to Become National Monument!”
• “Don’t Eat Bats!”
Source: “Weekly World News”
THE GRANDEST HOTEL:
The luxurious new 2-bedroom ‘Presidential Suite‘ on the 53rd floor of the Mandarin Oriental hotel in NYC is now officially the most expensive hotel room in New York (and perhaps the world) at $12,595 – per night. The 2,230 square-foot accommodations include a gourmet kitchen, formal dining room, living room, baby grand piano and panoramic views of Central Park and the Hudson River. (Wonder if they offer discounts for peewee sports teams?)
PHONER: 212.805.8800
NET: http://www.mandarinoriental.com
COMING SOON – WATCHING PAINT DRY:
The UK’s Channel 4 has a new reality show called “Shattered” in which contestants will compete for big money (100,000 pounds) by attempting to – stay awake. The 10 hopefuls will be put through a series of endurance tests and challenges over 10 consecutive days. Each night the worst performing contestant will be eliminated. The person who copes best with sleep deprivation and best performs the tasks will get the money – and a much-needed rest. (There’s a radio contest in here somewhere.)
HOW TO SAVE A LIGHTBULB:
The Institution of Lighting Engineers says the real killer of filament light bulbs is the dramatic change in temperature caused by – switching them on and off. The temperature change can entail more than 4,000 degrees F. This ‘thermal cycling’ causes cracks in the filament that eventually break it altogether, and is the reason lights usually go ‘pop’ when first switched on. The obvious way to avoid the problem is to leave the lightbulb on permanently. (You’ll save a dollar-ninety-eight on bulbs … but pay an extra grand to your utility company each year.)
ICKY SEX SCENES:
The all-time worst movie lovemaking scenes as ranked in a new survey in “Film” magazine …
1. Joe Pesci & Sharon Stone & in “Casino”.
2. Sean Connery & Catherine Zeta-Jones in “Entrapment”.
3. Marlon Brando & Maria Schneider in “Last Tango in Paris”.
4. Willem Dafoe & Madonna in “Body of Evidence”.
5. Billy Bob Thornton & Halle Berry in “Monster’s Ball”.
ACTUAL AUTO ACCIDENT REPORTS:
• “A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.”
• “The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.”
• “No one was to blame for the accident but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert.”
• “The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go … so I ran over him.”
• “I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.”
• “I was taking my parrot to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end and there was a crash.”
• “I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision.”
• “I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.”
• “To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian.”
• “A truck backed though my windshield and into my wife’s face.”
• “I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.”
• “The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.”
Source: Norwich Union Insurance
AND WE QUOTE:
“I don’t know if this is a true statistic, but I heard somewhere that there are three times as many single women over 40 as single men. That’s what we got from the women’s movement. The chickens have come home to roost.” – Jack Nicholson quoted in “Star” magazine.
THE BULL SHEET 01.05.2K4
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [73] Robert Duvall, San Diego CA, movie actor (“Gone in Sixty Seconds”, Oscar-“Tender Mercies”)/movie producer/director (“Assassination Tango”, “The Apostle”)
1942 [62] Charlie Rose, Henderson NC, TV journalist (“60 Minutes II” since 1999, “The Charlie Rose Show” since 1991)
1946 [58] Diane Keaton (Hall), LA CA, movie actress (“Something’s Gotta Give”, Oscar-“Annie Hall”)
1968 [36] Joe Juneau, Pont-Rouge QC, NHL center (Montréal Canadiens, ex-Ottawa Senators)
1969 [35] Marilyn Manson (Brian Warner), Canton OH, rock weirdo (“The Golden Age of Grotesque”, “Mechanical Animals”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Twelfth Night”, the eve of “Epiphany”. TOMORROW is the “Twelfth Day of Christmas” or “Epiphany” (according to the carol, your true love should give to you ’12 drummers drumming’.) Children in Mexico expect a visit from ‘Los Tres Reyes’ (The Three Kings) who bring gifts camel-back. In Italy, ‘La Befana’, a kindly witch, slides down chimneys on her broom to bring toys and goodies for kids. “Carnival Season” kicks off TOMORROW in many countries and lasts through “Shrove Tuesday”.
TODAY is “National Bird Day”. What can one say except … wow.
THIS WEEK Graceland is hosting its annual “Elvis Presley’s Birthday Celebration” in Memphis. ‘The King’ would have been 69 THURSDAY (or will be if you believe some morons).
NET: http://www.elvis.com/graceland/calendar/elvis_birthday.asp
THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1970 [34] Daytime drama “All My Children” debuts on ABC-TV (after all these years, the characters are still marrying, lying & cheating, having their cousin’s babies, getting weird diseases, dying and then coming back)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1835 [169] 1st ‘Worcestershire (WUSS-ta-sure) sauce’ (Lea & Perrins)
1940 [64] 1st demonstration of ‘FM radio’ (inventor Edwin Armstrong)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1958 [46] 424 coins and 5 lbs of wire removed from man’s stomach in Sedgefield UK (“How’s he doing, doctor?” “No change.”)
1987 [17] Tony Ferko sets world record by juggling 7 ping pong balls – with his mouth
BS MONTHLY PLANNING CALENDAR . . .
[Jan 6] Inquest into Princess Diana’s death begins
[Jan 7] Old Rock Day / I’m Not Going to Take It Anymore Day / Organize Your Home Day / Bobby Brown goes to court
[Jan 8] Man Watcher’s Day / Elvis Presley’s Birthday / Bubble Bath Day / Show & Tell Day at Work / Donald Trump reality series “The Apprentice” begins on NBC-TV / Queen Mary II cruise ship launches / Pharmacists Day
[Jan 9] Step-Fathers Day / Rape Survivor Day / Play God Day / Michael Jackson goes to court
[Jan 10] BS Egg Balancing Day / Peculiar People Day
[Jan 11] 30th People’s Choice Awards / International Thank-Yous Days / Volunteer Fireman’s Day
[Jan 12] Clean-Off-Your-Desk Day / Thank God It’s Monday Day
[Jan 13] Make Your Dream Come True Day
[Jan 14] Dress Up Your Pet Day
[Jan 15] 2004 Sundance Film Festival begins / Fresh Squeezed Juice Day / Hat Day
[Jan 16] Hot & Spicy Food International Day
[Jan 17] Get to Know Your Customer Day
[Jan 18] Winnie the Pooh Day / World Religion Day
[Jan 19] Martin Luther King Jr Day / International Sing-Out Day / Penguin Awareness Day / 3rd season of “American Idol” premieres on FOX-TV / Elementary School Teachers Day
[Jan 20] Philately Day / Human Relations Day
[Jan 21] National Hugging Day / Squirrel Appreciation Day
[Jan 22] Chinese New Year / Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day / Speak Up & Succeed Day / Rid the World of Fad Diets Day
[Jan 23] Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day / Handwriting Day / Measure Your Feet Day / Spieling Day / Compliment Day
[Jan 24] Women’s Healthy Weight Day
[Jan 25] 61st Golden Globe Awards
[Jan 26] Australia Day
[Jan 27] 76th Academy Awards nominations announced / Punch the Clock Day / Thomas Crapper Day / Backwards Day
[Jan 28] National Kazoo Day / Clash Day / Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day / School Nurse Day
[Jan 29] Corn Chip Day
[Jan 30] Fun At Work Day
[Feb 1] Super Bowl XXXVIII (Houston) / “Survivor: All-Stars” debuts on CBS-TV
[Feb 2] Groundhog Day
[Feb 8] 46th Grammy Awards
BULL’S BITS . . .
WORST BS THINGS TO SAY DURING SEX:
• “On second thought, let’s turn OFF the lights.”
• “Did you know this ceiling needs painting?”
• “Could ya pass the remote?”
• “Sorry about the name tag.”
• “Did I mention the video camera?”
• “I thought YOU had the keys to the handcuffs!”
• “Do you accept VISA?”
BS TRIVIA:
Q: “Epiphany” (TOMORROW) is also known as “Three Kings Day”, traditionally the day the 3 wise guys showed up with gold, frankincense and myrrh. So what the heck is ‘myrrh’ anyway?
A: A natural compound secreted by shrubs, originally used for its aromatic qualities, but recently Italian scientists have found it may be useful as a painkiller.
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “It’s 4-years-old now, so what’s the weirdest ‘millennium’ souvenir you still have?”
• “When should you take down the holiday decorations?”
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: According to a survey THIS is the driving habit that annoys people the most.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Not signaling.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.
AND JUST LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
Welcome to new BS samplers this week that include – Debbie Hoy @ WRTA Altoona PA, Micky Kahler @ MIX 97.3 Sioux Falls SD, Sue Anderson @ KNEI Waukon IA, Chuck Manning @ KWNR Las Vegas NV, David Sutton-Rowe @ 95.3 URB FM Alicante, Spain (don’t climb up to the castle – there’s vicious dogs up there!), John Moran @ CIKR Kingston ON, Megan Williams @ WBTN Bennington VT, Nina McCurdy @ KWAR Waverly IA, Ann Chartrand @ KJMO Jefferson City MO, and Simon O’Neill @ ZM FM, Wellington NZ. Welcome aboard and thanks for loading up on BS!
