Monday, January 6, 2003 Edition: #2448
Beginning Our 11th Year of Spreading BS!
Monthly Planning Calendar in Today’s Issue
BS TITILLATING TABLOID TRASH:
• 41-year-old confirmed bachelor George Clooney tells “Sunday Mirror Magazine” his hectic movie schedule prevents him from having a long-term relationship. He blames his workload for ruining his 3-year romance with French model Celine Balitran, but adds he has no regrets over the failed relationship and will push ahead with his career. Quote – “I feel driven to work and I’m not driven when it comes to relationships.” (Keep that in mind when you retire as a lonely old man.)
• According to “National Enquirer”, Halle Berry has been spotted intimately kissing and embracing with Hollywood’s one-time top Casanova – 65-year-old actor Warren Beatty! The pair reportedly got together at a quiet Hollywood restaurant where Halle poured out her heart about her crumbling 2-year marriage to Eric Benet. (Or maybe she has a grampa fetish?)
• “Everywhere” reports that Hugh Grant has joined Liz Hurley on a skiing vacation in St Moritz, Switzerland igniting rumors (once again) that the pair will get back together. British bookies are now offering odds of 7-2 that they will marry in 2003. (And 2-7 they’ll divorce in 2004.)
• “Star” magazine claims Lisa Marie Presley has told friends and relatives that she and hubby Nicolas Cage may have fought like hell but they were still having sex right up to the final bust-up NOVEMBER 25. Whoops! Seems that now she may be pregnant with his baby – something he desperately wanted but she didn’t. (Perhaps they should have had a ‘little MORE conversation and a little less action’?)
• TONIGHT FOX-TV’s new reality program “Joe Millionaire” debuts and word is the construction worker who masquerades as a wealthy bachelor for the show is, in real life, far from rich. The proof? “Smoking Gun” reports that 28-year-old Evan Marriott was recently busted by the California Highway Patrol for ‘toll evasion’ – blowing through a highway toll plaza to save somewhere between 50 cents and $2.50.
• They have already developed a rep as nice guys, and now London’s “Sun” tab says hot Brit band Coldplay have set up a bank account to collect 10% of ALL royalties from their record sales, merchandise and concert receipts for donation to charities – an incredible act of generosity rarely seen in the cut-throat music world. That could entail as much as a million bucks for 2002 alone and even more this year as the band kicks off a lucrative North American tour later THIS MONTH.
• And here’s the week’s ‘breaking news’ according to “Weekly World News” – “Scientist Will Clone Five US Presidents!”, “Toddler’s Finger-Painting Reveals Location of Atlantis!”, “Rockies to Break Off & Become Asteroids!”, “World’s First Eyewitness Account of Hell!”, “US Government Created the AIDS Virus!”, “Cop’s Ghost Haunts Donut Shop!”, and – who woulda thought? – “Hotcakes No Longer Selling Well!”
FEWER TIES THAT BIND:
Research shows that JANUARY has the fewest marriages of any month of the year. Coincidently, it also has the fewest divorces.
CHEWING THE FAT:
According to the “New England Journal of Medicine”, Mayo Clinic research has found that chewing gum burns up about 11 calories per hour. Anyone who chews gum every waking hour of the year will lose 11 lbs.
EYE MAKEUP COOTIES:
When buying eye makeup, never try out products from testers in department stores. One survey finds that more than half of such testers are contaminated with bacteria. The “University of California at Berkeley Wellness Letter” also advises you avoid sharing eye makeup, even with family members.
THE BOTTOM LINE:
This should get your phones flashing – a “Glamour” mag survey asks men what kind of woman’s behind they like most. 53% say they prefer a woman with ‘a very ripe, round bottom’. But 46% would rather have a woman with a ‘rock-hard, muscular butt’.
TOP TERM OF 2002?
According to our unofficial poll conducted by the scientific method of keeping our ears open, ‘regifting’ may be one of the most-used new terms of the past year. We heard it used oodles and oodles of times (yes, 2 full oodles!) over the holiday season as a more elegant way of describing the practice of passing along an unwanted present to someone else.
REACHING FOR RESOLVE:
It’s estimated that 90% of people break their New Year’s resolutions within 2 weeks. Well, we’re halfway there, so what can you do to ensure you stick to ‘em? Here are a few recommendations from experts to help keep you in line –
• Start Small – If you make no more than 2 resolutions you have a higher chance of success.
• Give Yourself 3 Weeks – It takes about 21 days to end an old habit or build a new habit.
• Record a Pep Talk – Record a pep talk to yourself to play back when your willpower begins to fail.
• Make a Public Pledge – You’re more likely to keep resolutions if you tell others about them.
• Get Support – Find others who’ve made the same resolution and support each other.
THEY NAMED HER ‘XEROX’:
The Raelian sect say the world’s 2nd cloned baby, a girl, was born to a Dutch lesbian couple on FRIDAY. Brigitte Boisselier, the French chemist who heads Clonaid, an organization linked to the Raelians, claims, “Two babies are born now and we are expecting 3 other ones by the end of January/beginning of February.” (If you could only clone ONE human other than yourself, who would it be?)
YOUR SALAD’S IN THE STARS:
According to the Association for Dressings & Sauces, your astrological sign often indicates which kind of salad dressing you prefer. For instance –
• Low-Fat Vinaigrettes – most preferred by Aries
• Italian dressing – Pisces / Virgo
• French dressing – Sagittarius
• Ranch – Taurus / Aquarius / Scorpio
• Blue Cheese – Cancer / Leo
• Can’t decide, enjoy variety, or just don’t care – Gemini / Libra / Capricorn
BS SHOCKING FACT:
The average lifespan of a human taste bud is just 7-10 days. (Less if you order your chicken wings ‘sudden death inferno suicide’.)
THE BULL SHEET 01.06.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1953 [50] Malcolm Young, Glasgow SCOT, classic rock guitarist (AC/DC-“Thunderstruck”)
1955 [48] Rowan Atkinson, Newcastle-upon-Tyne ENG, movie actor (“Scooby-Doo”, “Rat Race”, “Four Weddings & a Funeral”)/TV fool (“Mr Bean”, “Blackadder”)
1960 [43] Howie Long, Charlestown MA, FOX-TV NFL analyst/TV ad huckster (Radio Shack ads with Teri Hatcher)/movie actor (“Firestorm”, “Broken Arrow”)/former NFL DE (Raiders)
1971 [32] Joey Lauren Adams, Little Rock AR, movie actress (“Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back”, “Dr Doolittle 2″, “Big Daddy”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “International Respect For Living Day” (brought to you by Clonaid)
• “Army Day” in Iraq (uh oh!)
TODAY is “National Smith Day”, celebrating the most-common surname in the English-speaking world.
BS SMITH QUIZ:
In 30 seconds name the following 5 Smiths –
• Mel Gibson voiced this role in the animated movie “Pocahontas”. (‘John SMITH’)
• It’s one of the world’s largest pharmaceutical companies. (SMITH-Kline [now Glaxo SmithKline])
• It’s the Canadian magazine for people who enjoy the country lifestyle. (“HarrowSMITH” [now “Harrowsmith Country Life”])
• She’s the buxom singer that made “God Bless America“ famous. (Kate Smith)
• This actor’s only movie role in 2002 was playing ‘Agent J’ in the sequel “Men in Black II”. (Will SMITH)
• If you lived in olden days, he was the shoemaker for your horse. (BlackSMITH)
• This 1939 Frank Capra film was nominated for 11 Oscars, including Jimmy Stewart for ‘Best Actor’. (“Mr SMITH Goes to Washington”)
TODAY is “Epiphany”, also known as “Three Kings Day” (Dia de los Santos Reyes), traditionally the day the 3 wise guys showed up with gold, frankincense and myrrh. So what the heck is ‘myrrh’ anyway? It’s a natural compound secreted by shrubs, originally used for its aromatic qualities but Italian scientists have recently found that it may also be useful as a painkiller.
• TODAY in Italy “Epiphany Festival” is celebrated as the kindly witch ‘La Befana’ slides down chimneys on her broom to bring toys and goodies for kids. Fairs and parades are held throughout Italy.
• TODAY the children of Mexico expect a visit from “Los Tres Reyes” (The Three Kings) who bring gifts riding camel-back. To entice the gift guys, kids put straw out and leave shoes on balconies to be filled with toys.
THIS WEEK Graceland is hosting its annual “Elvis Presley’s Birthday Celebration” in Memphis. (The King would have been 68 WEDNESDAY – or will be if you believe some morons.)
NET: http://www.elvis.com/graceland/calendar/elvis_birthday.asp
10 YEARS AGO TODAY . . .
1993 Bill Wyman announces retirement from the Rolling Stones
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1681 [322] 1st recorded ‘boxing match’ (Duke of Albemarle’s butler vs his butcher)
1936 [67] 1st-ever ‘female mayor’ in Canada (Barbara Hanley-Webbwood ON)
1964 [39] 1st tour headlined by the Rolling Stones (to put this in perspective – the Ronettes were the opening act!)
1974 [29] 1st broadcast by Canada’s new ‘Global Television Network’
1975 [28] 1st edition of TV game show “Wheel Of Fortune” (Chuck Woolery hosts while Susan Stafford turns over the letters)
1981 [22] 1st mammal is cloned
BS MONTHLY PLANNING CALENDAR . . .
[Jan 7] Old Rock Day / I’m Not Going to Take It Anymore Day / Organize Your Home Day
[Jan 8] Man Watcher’s Day / Elvis Presley’s Birthday / Bubble Bath Day / Show & Tell Day at Work
[Jan 9] Pharmacists Day / Step-Father’s Day / Rape Survivor Day / Play God Day
[Jan 10] BS Egg Balancing Day / Peculiar People Day
[Jan 11] International Thank-Yous Days
[Jan 12] 29th People’s Choice Awards / Volunteer Fireman’s Day / Feast of Fabulous Wild Men Day
[Jan 13] 30th Annual American Music Awards / Make Your Dream Come True Day / Clean Off Your Desk Day / Thank God It’s Monday Day
[Jan 14] Dress Up Your Pet Day
[Jan 15] Fresh Squeezed Juice Day / Hat Day
[Jan 16] 2003 Sundance Film Festival opens / Hot & Spicy Food International Day
[Jan 17] Get to Know Your Customer Day
[Jan 18] National ‘Don’t Attack Iraq’ protest scheduled / Winnie the Pooh Day
[Jan 19] 60th Annual Golden Globe Awards / The Doors tour begins (Las Vegas) / International Sing-Out Day / Penguin Awareness Day
[Jan 20] Martin Luther King Jr Day / World Religion Day / Philately Day / Human Relations Day / Elementary School Teachers Day
[Jan 21] “American Idol 2″ begins / National Hugging Day / Squirrel Appreciation Day
[Jan 22] Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day / Speak Up & Succeed Day / Rid the World of Fad Diets Day / School Nurse Day
[Jan 23] Snowplow Mailbox Hockey Day / Handwriting Day / Measure Your Feet Day / Spieling Day / Compliment Day
[Jan 24] Women’s Healthy Weight Day / Fun At Work Day
[Jan 25] Opposite Day
[Jan 26] Super Bowl
[Jan 27] Punch the Clock Day / Thomas Crapper Day / Australia Day
[Jan 28] National Kazoo Day / Clash Day / Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day / Backwards Day
[Jan 29] Corn Chip Day
[Feb 1] Chinese New Year
[Feb 2] Groundhog Day / South African Concert for AIDS (Cape Town)
[Feb 11] 75th Academy Awards nominations announced
[Feb 13] 23rd Genie Awards
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN WATCHING WAY TOO MUCH FOOTBALL:
• Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive.
• As you are hurled from your car after a high-speed collision your first thought is, “Oh boy, I’m in a nice tight spiral!”
• The kids clean up their room and you dump Gatorade on ’em.
• For the last 2 weekends, you’ve been wearing nothing but a cup.
• You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden.
• After sex you go for the 2-point conversion, then spike the pillow.
BS BRITISH OR DEAD?
Yes kids, it’s that all new game show where you decide whether the following celebs are native Brits or stone cold (they can’t be both).
• Wendy’s restaurant founder Dave Thomas. (Dead)
• Actor Michael Caine. (Brit, born in London and turning 70 in MARCH.)
• Pioneering TV comic Milton Berle. (Dead)
• Actress Liz Taylor. (Brit, born in London.)
• Singer Peggy Lee. (Dead)
• Actor WC Fields. (Dead as a doornail at the bottom of Lake Titicaca.)
• Comedian Bob Hope. (Brit, born in Eltham and still kicking at last check.)
• Singer-actress Julie Andrews. (Brit, born in Walton-on-Thames.)
• “Lord of the Rings” actor Sir Ian McKellen. (Brit, born in 1939 in Lancashire and being considered to fill the late Richard Harris’ role as ‘Dumbledore’ in the “Harry Potter” films.)
• Newspaper advice columnist Ann Landers. (Dead)
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “When should you take down the Christmas decorations?”
• “It’s 3-years-old now, so what’s the weirdest ‘millennium’ souvenir you still have?”
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: 55% of “Cosmopolitan Online” readers admit that they’ve never done this at work.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Asked for a raise.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The chief enemy of creativity is good taste. – Pablo Picasso
SUBSCRIBER NOTE:
All paid-up BS accounts have received credits for missed service days over the holiday season. Hope you had a good one!
LOOK WHO’S BS-ING NOW!
Welcome to new BS samplers this week that include – Angie Clowry @ CKXR Salmon Arm BC, Brent Gare @ SOUNDS FM Marlborough UK, John McCoy @ KHPA Hope AR, Bobby Quinn @ WCAT Elizabethtown PA, Trent Tyler @ KLEC Little Rock AR, JD Gibbs @ KKSC Bellevue NE, Jurjen Gofers @ RADIO 538 Hilversum, The Netherlands, Elizabeth Kedley @ WHTS Davenport IA, Horatiu Coldea @ RADIO MEDIAS 725 Medias, Romania and Joan Jet @ 95.7 THE DRIVE San Francisco CA. Welcome aboard and thanks for loading up on BS!
