Wednesday, January 30, 2002        Edition: #2222
If The Sheet Fits, Buy It!

TODAY is the 80th annual “World Law Day”, established in 1922 to celebrate the rules society lives by. Ah yes, picture the chaos if we didn’t have these . . .
BS LAWS STILL ON THE BOOKS:
• By federal law in Canada, you may not pay for a 50-cent item with only pennies. (A 50-cent item in Canada is known as – a loonie.)
• It is illegal to kill a Sasquatch in BC. (Kill one? They’re still trying to FIND one!)
• You may not own a log cabin in Beaconsfield QC. (Like homes anywhere else – the bank own’s ‘em.)
• The city of Guelph ON is classified as a ‘no-pee zone’. (It’s also against the law to ‘guelph’ in public.)
• Cars parked in public places in Montréal must be locked, but their windows must be open less than the width of a hand. (Just enough for a thief’s coat hanger?)
• Canadian law stipulates that citizens may not publicly remove bandages. (Known as the anti-heaving law.)
• In Alberta, wooden logs may not be painted. (Geez, you ever try to wallpaper one?)
• It is illegal to show public affection on Sunday in Wawa ON. (In Vancouver, it’s only illegal to show pubic affection.)
• You can be fined for having a purple garage door in Kanata ON. (Finally, one that makes sense!)
AT LEAST WE’RE NOT THE ONLY COUNTRY WITH DUMB LAWS:
• In Australia, bars are required to stable, water and feed the horses of all patrons.
• In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your commode, you must let them enter.
• You can only shoot a Welsh person with a bow and arrow inside the city walls and after midnight. You may not shoot a Welsh person on Sunday with a longbow in the cathedral close. • In London, it is illegal for a Member of Parliament to enter the House of Commons wearing a full suit of armor.
(Sources: “Dumb Laws in Canada”, “Odd Laws: Legal Lunacy From Around the World”, “Comedy Central”)

• It remains illegal in North Carolina to plow a field with an elephant. (Doesn’t work anyway – their tusks keep getting stuck.)
• In Oregon, it’s illegal to whisper dirty things in your lover’s ear during sex. (If you wanna get lucky, try it beforehand.)
• Women in Morrisville PA are required by law to purchase a permit before wearing lipstick in public. (How sexist. Men can do it free?)
• In at least one California jurisdiction, it is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear. (At least while wearing it.)
• It’s a crime in Zion IL to offer a cigar to a dog, cat, or any pet. (Now there’s something you want on your rap sheet when your cellmate asks, “What are you in for?”)
• It is illegal for a driver in Alabama to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle. (Well, duh!)
• The town of Idaho Falls ID forbids anyone over the age of 88 to ride a motorcycle. (That’s why the Hell’s Angels Seniors Home had to move to Iowa.)
• In Kentucky, it is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in a service of worship. (Especially priests, ministers and rabbis.)
• Under a new law to prevent truancy in Orange County CA,  parents can be jailed if their kids skip school. (“Hey, let’s ditch class and go to Justin’s house, his parents are in jail!”)

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
FOX-TV has yanked low-rated game show “The Chair” from its lineup, at least for the February sweeps (we’re betting equally dumb competing show “The Chamber” won’t be far behind) . . . Singer Natalie Imbruglia admits she’s a binge drinker who’s suffered depression and loneliness in the 4 years since her debut hit “Torn” (Quote: ”I’m a great drunk. That’s the problem. I wish I was a depressive drunk, then I’d have reason to stop.”) . . . An NBC-TV spokeswoman says it’s ‘pretty much a safe bet’ that Conan O’Brien will stay with the network, even though he’s being wooed by rival FOX-TV (who woulda thought there’d be a bidding war over Conan?) . . . Word is Michael Jordan was stunned when wife Juanita filed for divorce and is now attempting to woo her back (try limiting your ‘slam dunking’ to the round-ball court).

21ST CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘Enron’ – Now being used as a verb meaning to ‘rip off’ as in “That cheapo customer Enron-ed me out of a tip on a fifty-dollar order!”)
• ‘Chunky Color’ – A modern hairdressing term for hair color applied in definable streaks. (But if you want to live, never ever say anything about your wife being a ‘chunky blonde’.)
• ‘The Lopez Look’ – Thanks to the popularity of J-Lo, ‘buttocks implants’ have been gaining popularity, a procedure in which a soft but solid silicone implant is placed in the upper half of the buttocks. (Just ask your cosmetic surgeon for a ‘lard-ass’.)
• ‘Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome’ — A newly-identified mysterious condition in which the sufferer has multiple vomiting spells each day. (We used to call it ‘pregnancy’.)

EXTREME CHESS:
A new study in the “Journal of Personality & Individual Differences” (got that on your coffee table?) finds that the game of chess attracts ‘sensation-seekers with a thirst for action and adventure’ similar to skydiving, scuba diving, mountain climbing and skiing. When men win a chess game, the testosterone levels in their blood rises to a level comparable with competitors in extreme sports. (Wow, imagine if they played ‘Risk’!)

FOR THE RECORD:
Bill Simmons, also known as ‘El Wingador’, consumed 143 CHICKEN WINGS IN 30 MINUTES (almost 5 a minute) to become the first 3-time champion in front of some 20,000 spectators at “Wing Bowl X” in Philadelphia. Other competitors with weird names — ‘Belly Donna’, ‘Lower GI Joe’ and ‘Gaseous Maximus’. (This is the original, but ‘Wing Bowls’ are now popular in numerous markets as a lead up to the Super Bowl.)

SALES FOLDING UP:
Here’s another downturn being blamed on 9/11 – Victorinox, maker of the famous Swiss Army Knife, says sales have sagged by almost a third. One reason – selling pocket knives is now banned at most airports, previously prime outlets for the company. To try and turn things around, they’re rushing out a new multi-tool with a clock, alarm and timer. They’ve also developed a children’s knife with a rounded blade, and have even put out a new Swiss Army Knife — without a knife. (That’d be a Swiss Army . . . paperweight?)

BS SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGHS:
• Psychologists have discovered there are 23 different body language indicators to show whether a person is lying. (If you’d like to see all 23 at the same time, they recommend watching Parliamentary Question Period.)
• Scientists at Barcelona University in Spain say they believe that palm reading can reveal clues about intelligence. (For example, if you’ve ever paid someone to read your palm, you’re probably lacking any.)
• Geneticists in Hyderabad, India have inserted a human gene into a fruit fly in hopes of using the insect to test potential cancer drugs. (They’ve now created the first insect that actually annoys itself.)
• British scientists think they are very close to a birth control pill for men. (But they want to get it
absolutely perfect before they give the Irish a chance to refuse to use it.)

THE BULL SHEET 01.30.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1930 [72] Gene Hackman, San Bernadino CA, movie actor who’s always good even when a movie is awful (“The Royal Tenenbaums”, Oscars-“Unforgiven”, “The French Connection”)

1937 [65] Vanessa Redgrave, London ENG, movie actress (“Girl, Interrupted”, “Howard’s End”, Oscar-“Julia”)

1941 [61] Dick Cheney, Lincoln NE, US Vice-President since 2001/Defense Secretary in Dubya’s dad’s administration

1951 [51] Phil Collins, Chiswick ENG, 5′-5″ classic rock singer (“In the Air Tonight”, “Genesis-“Invisible Touch”)/film composer (“Tarzan”, “Against All Odds”)

1980 [22] Wilmer Valderrama, Miami FL, TV actor (Fez-“That ’70s Show”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Inane Answering Message Day”, a time set aside to change, shorten, replace or delete those annoying voicemail messages.

Beijing, China is flushed with pride, having just landed the right to host the “2004 World Toilet Summit” (and that’s no BS!).

The 48TH annual “Québec Winter Carnival” parties FRIDAY through February 17th, when thousands whoop it up with ‘Bonhomme Carnaval’ while wearing the traditional ‘ceinture fléchée’ (red scarf worn around the waist).
PHONER: 888-522-3383 (Stéphanie Borgia)/418-626-3716 (Cynthia Rivard)
NET: http://www.carnaval.qc.ca/webzine/ang/index.asp

FRIDAY-February 17 is also the big winter carnival “Winterlude” in Ottawa-Gatineau. Dozens of outdoor events are scheduled over the 3 weekends, highlighted by skating on the ‘world’s largest skating rink’ (7.8 km), the Rideau Canal (which was a little late freezing over this year).
PHONER: 800-465-1867/613-239-5000 (Capital Infocentre)
NET: http://www.capcan.ca/winterlude/index_e.asp

ON THIS DAY . . .
2000 [02] St Louis Rams win Super Bowl XXXIV 23-16 by stopping Tennessee Titans 3 measly feet short of the goal line as time runs out

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1790 [212] 1st ‘lifeboat’, tested by one Mr Greathead

1894 [108] 1st ‘jackhammer’ patented (Detroit MI)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1920 [82] Québec Bulldogs’ Joe Malone sets NHL record of 7 goals in a single game

1994 [08] 1st teams to play each other in 2 consecutive Super Bowls (Dallas beats Buffalo again, this time 30-13)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Child Labor Day
[Fri] Robinson Crusoe Day
[Fri] Women’s Heart Day
[Sat] Groundhog Day
[Sun] Super Bowl XXVI (New Orleans)
[Sun] Bifocals at the Monitor Liberation Day
[Sun] National Men’s Grooming Day
[Sun] Diabetes Sunday
Junior Achievement Week
National Volunteer Blood Donor Month
Bread Machine Baking Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS SFX THEATER:
You read the story, line by line, while a caller or studio guest provides the sound effects in any way they can. Today’s story is called – “The Super Bowl Party.”
    [Your co-host] invites all of his friends over for a Super Bowl party. They both show up at the same time and ring the doorbell (SFX). He opens the door (SFX) to let in ‘Loudmouth Larry’ (SFX) and ‘Will the Whiner’ (SFX). They turn the TV on to catch the 18-hour pre-game show (SFX), then loaf on the couch devouring corn chips (SFX), pretzels (SFX) and popping open cans of refreshment (SFX). Finally there’s the kick-off and the stadium crowd goes wild (SFX). But there’s a small problem — [your co-host’s] favorite player is Patriots’ linebacker Tedy Bruschi (pronounced ‘Brewski’), so every time he cheers for Bruschi (SFX), his pal Will whines a little (SFX), then opens him another beverage (SFX). As it happens, Bruschi has a great game, causing [your co-host] to yell his name over and over (SFX), and Will the Whiner to open more and more cans (SFX). When the game’s over, Loudmouth Larry says goodbye (SFX), Will the Whiner says goodbye (SFX), and [your co-host], who’s spent the last half hugging the ‘Bud Bowl’, says goodbye in a very unique way (SFX).

BS PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
• “He would argue with a signpost.”
• “She has a knack of making strangers immediately.”
• “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room.”
• “He and the CEO have something in common. They’ve both gone as far as they can in this company.”
• “When her IQ reaches 50, she should sell.”

BS WHAT’S ITS:
• “Tomorrow Is Another Day” was the original title of —
a) The TV sitcom “Friends”.
b) The movie “Gone with the Wind”.
c) The Beatles’ song “Yesterday”.
[Original title of “Gone With the Wind”.]
• ‘Fairy Floss’ was the original name for –
a) Cotton Candy
b) Dental Floss
c) Sequins.
[It was the original name for cotton candy.]
• ‘Bo Diddley’ is an African term for –
a) Big village.
b) A one-string guitar.
c) Ignorance, as in “You don’t know bo diddley.”
[It’s a one-string African guitar, the inspiration for famous bluesman Ellas Bates’ stage name.]
• ‘Thelma Pickles’ was –
a) The 1st Olympic figure skating champion.
b) The 1st Academy Award winner.
c) John Lennon’s 1st girlfriend.
[The actual name of John Lennon’s first girlfriend.]
(Source: “10,000 Answers: The Ultimate Trivia Encyclopedia”)

BS TAG LINE:
Give a bald man a comb and he’ll never part with it.

BS BOUNTY HUNTERS!
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