Monday, January 28, 2002 Edition: #2220
There’s Nothing Like a Handful of Sheet!
ACTUAL BS ARTICLES FOUND IN WOMEN’S MAGAZINES:
“Bad Boy, Hot Sex! Should You Keep Him?”
“He Was My Friend . . . And Then I Slept With Him!”
“Jerk Alert! Men to Avoid at All Costs!”
“Is He a Wimp Because He Primps?”
“Whatever Happened to Mr Exciting?”
“Can You Really Tell a Man By His Shoes?”
BS TITILLATING TRASHY TABLOID TIDBITS:
• According to “Weekly World News”, here’s the stories we should really be concerned about this week – “Mad Scientists Clone Richard Simmons!”, “Find Your Dream Guy in Prison!”, “Mars Is Turning Red, White & Blue!”, and “Blimp to Lower World’s Fattest Man Into Super Bowl!”.
• Mariah Carey’s lawyers are threatening to sue EMI/Virgin Records, alleging the company illegally terminated her contract, the “Hollywood Reporter” says. One report speculates she received $49 MILLION (previously reported as $28 million) after being cut loose. (Please Mariah, take the money and retiah.)
• If you believe the “Mirror”, Jennifer Lopez has received a lifetime ban from upmarket London restaurant, The Ivy. Her faux pas? Changing her reservation no less than 3 times, then sending a trio of her bodyguards bursting into the restaurant, demanding they be allowed to perform a security sweep. (Are we a prima donna?)
• Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger & Phil Collins have all been approached to perform at a special concert to mark Queen’s Elizabeth’s “Golden Jubilee” JUNE 3rd, her 50th anniversary as Britain’s monarch. A spokesman for the festivities tells “Sunday Telegraph”, “The idea is to create collaborations between the old and the young.” (OK, you got the ‘old’ part done.)
• “New York Post” reports that FOX-TV is trying to lure Conan O’Brien away from NBC to host a new late-night talk show when his contract ends in SEPTEMBER. (Proving you don’t have to be good at something, just keep doing it long enough and you’ll be rewarded.)
• “E! Online” reports the name of the next “Austin Powers” movie will have to be changed. Producers of the‘James Bond’ movies have filed a cease-and-desist order against the use of the title “Austin Powers in Goldmember”. (Maybe “Austin Powers & The Spy Who Hates Me”?)
• According to “Star”, Dolly Parton allegedly had an ‘unseemly history’ with a 13-year-old boy called Blaise Tosti. Now age 44, Tosti claims to have been intimate with the country maven for 19 years, indulging in all manner of deviant sexual practices. “Dolly used me for her sexual needs,” he says. “I was completely naive at the time. I just did what she told me.” (There were also periods of temporary deafness when she hugged the boy to her bosom.)
• Michael Jackson tells “Vibe” he loves water balloon fights and has his own water balloon fort at Neverland. He claims water balloon fights have inspired him when writing songs. (Maybe that explains why his last album stiffed big time.)
• And “Daily Dish” says the Michael Jackson Internet Fan Club has officially shut down with ‘King of Pop’ followers saying they’re ready to move on.
CHEAT SHEET:
What foods do we turn to most when we want to cheat on our diets? Nutritionists have come up with a list for “Redbook” magazine that is topped by chocolate. Butter is second on the diet-wrecking list, followed by cheese, Fritos, ice cream, potato chips, half-and-half, pizza, and Oreos.
LACK OF Z’S DISEASE:
Figures from the National Center for Health Statistics show the average night’s sleep in 1910 lasted 9 hours, while these days we average just 7 hours in the sack. (7 whole hours? Geez, these people have never done morning radio!)
UNDER THE COVERS:
If you’re married, you’d better buy yourself a good bed. Most couples spend so much time together in bed — sleeping, having sex, reading, watching television — that hours under the covers account for a whopping 3 years out of every 10. “Longevity” magazine calculates that if you marry at 30 and stay married until you’re 90, you will have spent 18 YEARS in the sack with your mate.
WARM WARNING:
A study by Australia’s Flinders Institute for Atmospheric & Marine Sciences finds the Northern Hemisphere is warmer on weekdays than weekends because of industry and commuting. The average temperature difference is about — one-thirtieth of a degree Fahrenheit. (Geez, turn up the air conditioner!)
THE POWER OF RED
According to a study in “Hospitality” magazine, the color red increases hormonal and sexual activity, activates adrenaline, stimulates appetite, induces creativity and causes people to lose track of time. (Sort of like this show!)
THE BULL SHEET 01.28.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1936 [66] Alan Alda (Alphonso D’Abruzzo), NYC, TV actor (3 Emmy Awards as ‘Hawkeye Pierce’ on “M*A*S*H” [1972-1983])
1968 [34] Sarah McLachlan, Halifax NS, pop singer (“Adia”, “Sweet Surrender”)
1977 [25] Joey Fatone Jr, Brooklyn NY, pop singer (‘N Sync-“Gone”, “Pop”)
1980 [22] Nick Carter, Jamestown NY, pop singer (Backstreet Boys-“Drowning”, “As Long As You Love Me”)
1981 [21] Elijah Wood, Cedar Rapids IA, movie actor (‘Frodo Baggins’-“Lord of the Rings” trilogy)
1985 [17] Athina Onassis Roussel, Paris FRA, world’s richest girl (daughter of Christina & Thierry Roussel) who 1 year from now will inherit half of her late grandfather Aristotle Onassis’ immense estate — approximately $3 BILLION
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Kazoo Day”, honoring the musical instrument even the most untalented can play. Historical research places the origins of this instrument with the Roman military kazoo bands that led Caesar’s legions against the hordes of Vercingetorix in 52 BCE. (“We’re being invaded by a legion of kazoo players – RUN!”)
TODAY is “Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day”, saluting the plastic bubble packing material no one can resist popping. According to “The Bubble Wrap Book” by Joey Green & Tim Nyberg, there are oodles of uses for the stuff besides safe packaging, including . . .
• Bubble Wrap Burglar Alarm — Lay Bubble Wrap on the floor inside your doors and windows. When a thief breaks in and walks across the floor, the pop-pop-pop will alert you to the intruder.
• Bubble Wrap Football Helmet — Wrap massive quantities of Bubble Wrap around your head and seal in place with duct tape. If Bubble Wrap can protect a hand-painted egg shipped from the Czech Republic across the Atlantic, it can protect your head when it hits a goal post.
• Bubble Wrap Mosquito Repellent – Cover your extremities in Bubble Wrap. When mosquitoes try to bite you, the bubbles will pop and the tiny explosions of air will send them spiraling through the air.
• Bubble Wrap Boob Job — Padding a bra with Bubble Wrap gives a nice natural feeling without the nasty side effects of silicone implants.
• Bubble Wrap Cash – Impress your date by padding your wallet with a piece of Bubble Wrap behind your money. It will look like you have a lot more money than you actually do.
(Bubble Wrap® is a registered trademark of Sealed Air Corporation)
TODAY is “International Clash Day”, when you’re supposed to put together the gaudiest outfit you can find, in order to relieve the winter blahs. (Well, this gives us a clue as to why [your co-host’] is so happy every day.)
TODAY is “Swap a Brown Bag Lunch Day” to add some excitement to your noon hour. (Bologna and peanut butter sandwiches. Yummy!)
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2001 “Survivor 2: The Australian Outback” premieres on CBS/Global-TV (introducing us to Tina, Colby, Jeri, and the whole fall-in-the-fire gang)
2001 At Super Bowl XXXV in Tampa, Baltimore Ravens defeat NY Giants 34-7 for their 1st Super Bowl victory (and one of the dullest of all-time)
10 YEARS AGO . . .
1992 [10] Sarah McLachlan’s “Solace” album released on her 24th birthday
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1934 [68] 1st ‘rope tow’ for skiing opens in Woodstock VT (before that, a helluva lot of uphill walking!)
1983 [19] 1st ‘CD’ broadcast on radio, Britain’s BBC (a senior sound engineer at the time says, “It’s a great idea, shame it will never catch on.”)
1999 [03] 1st ‘live sex change operation’ performed on the Internet (was this when a trucker named Ralph claimed he was a lesbian named Mona in a chat room?)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1928 [74] Christopher Hornsrud becomes Prime Minister of Norway — at age 101! (a record soon to be broken if we don’t get some decent opposition for Chrétien)
1984 [18] Glynn Wolfe weds for non-bigamous record 26th time, in Las Vegas
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Free Thinker’s Day
[Tues] National Corn Chip Day
[Thurs] Inspire Your Heart With Art Day
[Thurs] Child Labor Day
[Sat] Groundhog Day
[Sun] Super Bowl XXVI (New Orleans)
[Feb 8] Salt Lake City Winter Olympics opening
Junior Achievement Week
Mail Order Gardening Month
National Hobby Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: Which was the 1st Super Bowl championship team with a home in a dome?
a) Minnesota Vikings
b) St Louis Rams
c) Detroit Lions
A: The St Louis Rams, in 2000.
Q: It was first known as the ‘AFL-NFL World Championship Game’. What do we now call it?
a) Pro Bowl
b) Super Bowl
c) Stanley Cup
A: Super Bowl. The term was not used until the 3rd championship in 1969.
Q: 80 years ago TODAY (1922), the NFL franchise in Decatur, Illinois moved. What did it become?
a) Vikings.
b) Packers.
c) Da Bears.
A: The team transferred to Chicago and changed its name from the Decatur Staleys (the team sponsor) to the Chicago Bears.
Q: You suffer from ‘peladophobia’. What are you afraid of?
a) Mondays.
b) Telling jokes.
c) Bald people.
A: Bald people.
Q: Which is considered the world’s most cosmopolitan city, based on the number of languages spoken there?
a) London
b) New York
c) Toronto
A: London, where an estimated 307 languages are spoken.
Q: 40 years ago TODAY (1962) in what was then Rhodesia, Johanne Relleke received 2,443 of these and managed to survive. What was it?
a) Mosquito bites.
b) Bee stings.
c) Phone calls from telemarketers.
A: Bee stings.
Q: What is -273 degrees Celsius known as?
a) Absolute zero.
b) The Zabriski point.
c) Yesterday’s high temperature in Edmonton.
A: Absolute zero.
Q: 124 years ago TODAY (1878), the 1st ‘telephone switchboard’ was installed, in New Haven CT, and George Coy became the 1st ‘telephone operator’. Instead of ‘hello’, what was originally the common way to answer a ringing telephone?
a) ‘Ahoy!’
b) ‘What?’
c) ‘Wazzup?’
A: Telephones were originally answered ‘Ahoy Ahoy’ instead of ‘Hello’.
BS TAG LINE:
A second class effort is a first class mistake.
HOWDY-DO:
A tip of da Da Bull’s horns to this week’s new BSers — Joe Laber @ WMVR Troy OH, Dave Collins @ CFM Carlisle ENG, Antonia Milano @ WJNG Clarion PA, Cheri O’ @ WCOW Sparta WI, Melissa @ KLTB Boise ID, and KC Owens @ WBTU Fort Wayne IN.
