Thursday, January 17, 2002 Edition: #2213
Get This Bull Started!
BS JOKE VAULT:
• A guy runs into the house yelling, “Pack your bags sweetheart, I’ve just won the lottery, all 6 numbers!” She says, “Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?” He replies, “I don’t care, just pack and shove off!”
• [Your co-host] read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 km of your home, so he moved. He took the house numbers with him so he wouldn’t have to change his address.
• A woman asks her high-priced lawyer, “If I give you $500 will you answer two questions for me?” “Absolutely!”, he replies. “What’s the second question?”
• It only rained twice last week Vancouver — the first time for 3 days and the second time for 4 days.
• A guy goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, there’s a piece of lettuce sticking out of my butt.” The doc asks him to drop his pants and examines him. The man asks, “Is it serious, doctor?” and the doctor replies, “I’m sorry to tell you but this is just the tip of the iceberg.”
• [Your co-host] locked his keys in the car yesterday. It took him 2 hours to get his wife and kids out.
• [Your co-host’s] sister had a baby this morning; but we haven’t found out what it is yet so we don’t know if he’s an aunt or an uncle.
• Basically there are 3 kinds of people in the world — those who can count and those that can’t.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TONIGHT CBS-TV airs “Survivor: Return from Africa”, a special that shows the most recent contestants returning to their menial lives, and sets up the 4th installment “Survivor: Marquesas” which debuts FEBRUARY 28 . . . TODAY 78-year-old Bob Barker hosts the 30th
anniversary edition of TV game show “The Price is Right”, taping in Las Vegas . . . Mick Jagger has recorded a guest role for an upcoming episode of “The Simpsons” . . . And Britney Spears’ 19-year-old dance coach Wade Robson tells the “Scottish Daily Record” she tells him her sexual fantasies and he then works them into her dance routines (her biggest sexual fantasy – she’s a virgin).
MOVIES IN THE MAKING:
Chris Rock will write, star in and make his directorial debut with “Head Of State”, a comedy about an African-American who runs for president (he’ll also serve as head gaffer and caterer on the set) . . . James Cameron may finally direct another movie 4 years after his “Titanic” broke box office records, picking up screen rights to the upcoming novel “Last Of The Amazons”, the story of a tribe of female warriors who overrun ancient Greece . . . Looks like Robert Downey Jr is getting another ‘last chance’, a heist film called “Six Bullets From Now”, based on a real $10-million robbery at NYC’s Pierre Hotel in 1972 (re-habbed Downey is allowed to work but only under ‘supervision’) . . . Jude Law & Robert De Niro will team up in a spy thriller called “The Good Shepherd” (but Jude will have to wait until De Niro completes a pair of sequels first — “Those Dumb Fockers”, the follow-up to “Meet The Parents”, and “Analyze That”).
SO SIMPLE, SO SMART:
German designer Claus Roeting has created a soup bowl with a tilted bottom to solve the age-old etiquette problem of having to tilt the bowl to finish the soup. It sits on the table like a normal bowl, but the soup collects at one side — removing the need to tilt it to reach the last drops. (I ain’t no expert on manners, but wouldn’t that make it more liable to slop over when you pick it up to drink it?)
RELATIVE REPLIES:
An e-mail study by psychologists at McMaster University in Hamilton finds people are more likely to get a successful e-mail response from strangers if they share the same last name. Lead researcher Margo Wilson found that people with less common names do even better at getting responses from others with the same name. This may be because the less common the name, the more likely those who share it are blood relations. (According to all the spam I get, I must have a lot of relatives named ‘low interest loans’ and ‘watch sheep do it’.)
BUG INFESTED:
Research by a British security firm finds that about 1 in every 300 e-mails is now infected with some form of virus. It’s estimated that more than 400 new viruses are created every month and there’s been a 500% increase in viruses on the Internet in the past 2 years.
PURPLE HAZE:
Attempting to keep Canada Geese from messing up public areas, researchers have discovered that concentrated grape juice is an effective repellent because it tastes like ‘hot sauce’ to the feathered foulers. (Um, do you want to visit a park after the geese have been eating Mexican?)
IT’S A JUNGLE OUT THERE:
Every year, 27,000 Americans are injured by rodents, according to the US General Accounting Office. Another 8,000 are bitten by venomous snakes, 15 of whom die. Skunks wound 750 Americans a year, foxes get 500, bears 30, sharks 28, alligators 18, and coyotes and cougars 2 each.
HOLEY TEETH:
According to the Academy of General Dentistry, there’s been a resurgence of cavities among both adults and children. The problem? The rise in popularity of bottled water over ordinary tap water, which in most areas is infused with cavity-preventing fluoride.
WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK:
The makers of the ‘Acme Thunderer’, the whistle used all over the world by referees, have come up with a new wrinkle. Manufacturer J Hudson has developed the ‘Gatorgrip’
plastic cover for its classic whistle, so refs’ sensitive lips are protected from the steel in cold temps. (There’s more than a few NFL playoff teams that would like something developed so the whistle WON’T blow until the play’s over.)
THE BULL SHEET 01.17.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1931 [71] James Earl Jones, Arkabutla MS, movie actor (Simba’s pop-“The Lion King”, Darth Vader-“Star Wars”, “Star Wars: Episode III” [2005])/ballsy commercial voice (“This is CNN”)
1939 [63] Maury Povich, Washington DC, daytime TV talk show host (“The Maury Povich Show”, since 1991)/TV journalist Connie Chung’s hubby
1942 [60] Muhammad Ali, Louisville KY, 3-time heavyweight boxing champ with career record of 56-5 including 37 KOs and 19 successful title defences for $69 million in earnings/subject of new Will Smith movie “Ali”/Parkinson’s victim
1962 [40] Jim Carrey, Newmarket ON, movie actor (“The Majestic”, “The Grinch”)
1966 [36] Luc Robitaille, Montréal QC, NHL winger (Detroit Red Wings)
1970 [32] Jeremy Roenick, Boston MA, NHL center (Philadelphia Flyers)
1971 [31] Kid Rock (Robert James Ritchie), Romeo MI, rapper (“I Am the Bullgod”, “Cowboy”)/Pam Anderson’s bf
1973 [29] Aaron Ward, Windsor ON, NHL defenceman (Carolina Hurricanes)
1982 [20] Amanda Wilkinson, Belleville ON, country singer (The Wilkinsons-“Jimmy’s Got a Girlfriend”, “Boy Oh Boy”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Get to Know Your Customer Day”. (Tomorrow is ‘Lock the Front Door, Here Comes That Pain-in-the-Butt Again Day’)
TODAY is “Saint Anthony Day”, honoring the patron saint of domestic animals and ‘diggers’ (like Anna Nicole Smith?).
TODAY is “Judgment Day”, a day to look at yourself in the mirror and see how you’re doing. (Tomorrow is ‘Sign Up at the Fitness Club Day’.) .
ON THIS DAY . . .
1995 [07] NFL’s Los Angeles Rams announce move to St Louis
TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1995 [07] Shania Twain releases 1st hit single, “Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under”
1998 [04] Savage Garden’s “Truly, Madly, Deeply” hits #1 on pop singles charts
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1795 [207] 1st ‘curling club’ organized, the Dudingston Curling Society in Edinburgh, Scotland (and the next day, the 1st hungover skip)
1874 [128] 1st well-known Siamese twins Chang and Eng, who are joined at the chest, die at 63 (after years of touring with the PT Barnum Show, they retired to 2 farms in North Carolina, married 2 sisters and raised 2 families — ALTERNATING nights between farms!)
1918 [84] Québec legislature 1st debates motion recommending that the province should form a sovereign country (plus ca change, plus c’est la meme chose)
1997 [05] Irish court grants 1st divorce in the nation’s history
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Winnie the Pooh Day
[Sat] International Sing-Out Day
[Sat] National Penguin Awareness Day
[Sun] 59th Annual Golden Globe Awards
[Mon] Martin Luther King Jr Day (USA)
[Tues] National Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day
[Feb 3] Super Bowl (St Louis Rams vs Pittsburgh Steelers?)
Special Education Week
National Hobby Month (what’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever heard of someone collecting?)
National Get To Know a Real Estate Agent Month (aka ‘Please, I’d Rather Have Needles Stuck in My Eyes Month’)
BULL’S BITS . . .
JANUARY CLEARANCE CONTEST:
Collect all the leftover prizes in the promo office and package them together for light-hearted goofy giveaways. The worse they are, the better — concert tickets from last June, CDs no one wants, ugly T-shirts — you’ll be surprised at the ‘treasures’ you’ll find. Just make sure there’s one good ‘ringer’ in every prize package to keep your winners happy.
BEST SEAT IN THE HOUSE:
It’s one of the perils of the promotion department — how to put together giveaways from a variety of advertisers into a central theme? You can fit all kinds of prizes under the ‘Best Seat in the House’ umbrella — not only concert tickets and movie passes, but La-Z-Boy recliners, gift certificates for jeans, fitness club memberships, liposuction . . . well, you get the idea.
COLLECTIVE MEDICAL PROFESSIONS:
• A murmur of cardiologists.
• A rash of dermatologists.
• A poke of gynecologists.
• A clot of hematologists.
• A dose of pharmacists.
• A pile of proctologists.
• A stream of urologists.
BS PHONE STARTER:
“Which politician would look best in drag?”
BS Q & A:
Q: What’s the most popular item on the Canadian menu?
A: French fries. 85% of all potatoes grown in North America end up as fries. We eat our own weight in potatoes each year.
(Source: “Canadian Geographic”)
Q: What dog carries the name of the English cleric who first bred it?
A: The ‘Jack Russell’, named for the Rev John Russell.
(Source: “Totally Trivial“)
Q: The 1-hundred-billionth made was colored ‘Periwinkle Blue’. What was it?
A: A Crayola crayon.
(Source: Crayola Corp)
Q: What color is ‘puce’ — yellowish-green, greenish-blue, or reddish-brown?
A: Reddish-brown.
(Source: “New Woman”)
Q: According to official rules, what should happen if a football disintegrates while it’s in play?
A: It should be whistled ‘dead’.
(Source: American Football Coaches Association)
BS TAG LINE:
A minor operation — one performed on somebody else.
