Tuesday, January 15, 2002 Edition: #2211
“U Got It Bull”
A WOMAN KNOWS SHE’S REACHED ‘MIDLIFE’ WHEN . . .
• Hair growth on your legs slows down, allowing more time to care for your newly acquired mustache.
• You stand naked in front of the mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
• You go to the doctor and realize, you now have to PAY someone to look at you naked.
• You realize a mammogram is now the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on film.
• You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, “For this I have stretch marks?”
• Your memory starts to go and the only thing you still retain is water.
• The good news about midlife is the glass is still half-full. The bad news is that it won’t be long before your teeth are floating in it!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Word is actress Elizabeth Hurley’s estranged lover, millionaire heir Steve Bing, has been spreading the rumor that “Friends” star Matthew Perry may be the father of her unborn child, the two having met while working on a movie project LAST YEAR that was shelved when Perry went into rehab . . . CBS-TV has launched an open casting call for “Survivor 5”, requiring prospective contestants to send a video audition by FEBRUARY 8 (it’s rumored “Survivor 5” will take place somewhere on the Amazon) . . . LAST WEEK’S “Survivor” finale had just half the audience of the first edition . . . Canada’s Wilkinsons are in Nashville finishing up their next CD which remains nameless and without a release date, however word’s out the lyrics will be more adult oriented now that the kids have grown up . . . Enrique Iglesias says his aging superstar dad Julio has constantly taunted him, insisting he’ll flop as a singer (pop is no “Hero” to him) . . . George Harrison pledged to build a $1-million Krishna shrine shortly before his death which will be constructed at Varanasi, the holiest of Indian cities, near the River Ganges where his ashes are said to be scattered . . . Janet Jackson says she’s desperate for a boyfriend but has no desire for another marriage . . . Protesters in Asbury Park NJ are attempting to save the Stone Pony nightclub where Bruce Springsteen launched his career, after developers announced plans to tear it down to build — just what we need — more condominiums . . . Britney Spears has been named the most ‘Fun Fearless Female’ of the year by “Cosmopolitan” magazine in its annual list of awe-inspiring women, and will appear on the mag’s FEBRUARY cover.
TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
The gross-out comedy “American Pie 2″, answering all those lingering questions you had after “American Pie 1″, reunites the characters played by Jason Biggs, Shannon Elizabeth, Alyson Hannigan, Chris Klein & Natasha Lyonne after their 1st year in college . . . And we get these collectibles on DVD – the entire 1st TV season of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, a 20th anniversary reissue of the sci-fi fantasy film “Tron”, and the entire 1977 mega-hit TV mini-series “Roots”, just in time for its 25th anniversary.
LET’S GO TO OSLO & SEE THE SIGHTS:
According to a global sex survey by “Harlequin Romance”, 66% of Norwegians have ‘done it’ in public — the highest percentage among the 20 countries surveyed. Only 15% of Canadians have had sex in public, far below the global average of 41%. Other highlights — only 16% of Japanese have had sex in a car, compared to 80% of Americans. 28% of Australians have had sex in a movie theater and 16% of wacky Aussies admit they’ve done the nasty in a department store dressing room. (Apparently only 1% of us now do it in a bedroom.)
NET NUMBERS:
A new study by the Online Publishers Association finds that daytime is ‘prime-time’ on the Internet, completely dominating daytime media use in the same way TV dominates evenings. But 91% of at-work users say they also log on from home and spend more time on the Internet on a typical Monday-Friday than watching TV. Overall, 34% of total ‘media minutes’ are spent on the Internet, compared to 30% watching TV. And check this out — 79% of at-work users claim the Internet has made them ‘more productive workers’. (Snort!)
DON’T DRINK & CHEW:
South Korea’s Kooksoondang Brewery Company has developed ‘chewable liquor’, a mild version of its fiery soju liquor in gelatin form. The company intends to study consumer surveys before making any plans to market the product.
HOT DOG:
Dog meat proponents in South Korea plan to use a spokesperson dubbed ‘Doctor Dogmeat’ to counter foreign critics and attempt to popularize canine cuisine. A group of 100 dog meat restaurant owners will set up stands on the outskirts of Seoul to promote the meat to foreign tourists during World Cup playoffs.
PEOPLE PAYING FOR TAIL:
Crowds are flocking to Indian temples to see a baby with a ‘tail’ who is believed to be the reincarnation of a Hindu god. The 11-month-old boy has been named ‘Balaji’, another name for monkey-faced ‘Lord Hanuman’. He is reported to have a 4-inch tail caused by genetic mutations during the development of the fetus. The child’s grandfather is taking the baby from temple to temple where people offer money to see the boy. (Hey, that’s no tail – he’s just lying on his back!)
TALK ABOUT BACK HAIR:
25-year-old circus trapeze artist ‘Wolf Boy’ Larry Gomez, whose entire body is covered in dense black hair from the rare medical condition hypertrichosis, has married his 18-year-old girlfriend Nadine Lee in Canada. Quote: “In my eyes Larry is a beautiful man.” (Said the circus’s bearded lady.)
NEW CENTURY JARGON:
• ‘Pineapple Express’ — The nickname coined by meteorologists for the wave of warm air that’s caused warmer than usual temps over much of Canada this winter. (We haven’t had to shovel once so far. How ‘bout you?)
• ‘Burn Return’ – A CD purchased from a music retailer which the purchaser copies on a CD burner then returns to get money back. For this reason, many retailers, including HMV Canada, will no longer refund money for opened CDs. Similar to the old trick of buying a new outfit for a special occasion, then returning it the next day. ([Your co-host] got confused and bought a new outfit, then burned it.)
• ‘Therapeutic Laughter’ – A new therapy based on yoga techniques developed by Indian physician Madan Kataria that teaches adherents to find tranquility through laughter. So far, over 200 ‘laughter leaders’ have been trained in the US and Canada to direct followers in specific types of laughs including: ‘Lion Laughter’ (loud grunting, tongue wagging and pawing the air), ‘Austin Powers Laughter’ (the ‘Dr Evil’ snicker), ‘Chicken-Skip Laughter’ (chuckling while flapping arms like wings), ‘Monkey Laughter’ (laughing while scratching under arms), ‘Pillsbury Dough Boy Laughter’ (poking each other’s stomach), ‘Mad Scientist Laughter’, and ‘Silent Laughter’ (wide open mouth but no sound). (And we’re guessing Madan is laughing all the way to the bank.)
WHAT WOMEN WANT:
What do women really want? Here’s what a recent Internet poll of 3,600 females reveals . . .
• The #1 want of women surveyed was sex — preferably good sex — which beat out friendship, romance, love, financial security and honesty.
• More women wanted to be in a loving relationship than women who wanted to be in an honest one.
• More women desired a man who was financially secure than a man who was faithful.
• On the same note, more women wanted an attractive and strong guy than a man who didn’t cheat.
• However, more women wanted a man who made them laugh than wanted a guy who earned lots of money or was financially secure.
• More women wanted an intelligent partner than claimed to want an attractive one.
• On the other hand, intelligence received fewer votes than kindness and caring.
• And contrary to what we hear in beauty pageants, these women wanted virtually everything more than they wanted world peace.
THE BULL SHEET 01.15.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [55] Andrea Martin, Portland ME, movie actress (“Rugrats Movie”, “Wag the Dog”)/former TV comedian (Edith Prickley-“SCTV”)
1975 [27] Mary Pierce, Montréal QC, pro tennis player now based in France/ex-girlfriend of NY Mets 2nd baseman Roberto Alomar
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Fresh Squeezed Juice Day”. (Something to do with a plug of Red Man chewing tobacco after a ball player’s finished with it?)
TODAY is “Hat Day”, a day to relieve the mid-winter blues by wearing the goofiest hat you can find. (Always hilarious on radio.)
TODAY is “Hug Your Cat Day”, a day to disclaim the common belief that cats don’t like affection. So ignore the hisses and pet your puss! (Be sure to keep lots of band-aids handy.)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1892 [110] James Naismith’s ‘Rules of Basketball’ 1st published (in “Y Triangle” magazine)
1967 [35] 1st ‘Super Bowl’ (although it isn’t called that until 2 years later) as 61,946 fans pay 10 bucks a ticket to watch legendary coach Vince Lombardi‘s Green Bay Packers beat the KC Chiefs 35-10 in LA (MVP is Packer QB Bart Starr)
1987 [15] 1st ad on a home video release appears on “Top Gun”, a 30-second Diet Pepsi ad (videos now come with oodles of commercials, and about a half-hour of trailers)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1943 [59] World’s ‘largest office building’ completed (the Pentagon in Arlington VA, with a floor area of 6.5 million sq ft covering 34 acres, including 17 miles of corridors!)
1983 [19] Tom Syles of Van Nuys CA sets world record by keeping a single Life Saver in tact in his mouth for 7 hrs, 10 mins (also sets record for ‘guy with most time on his hands’)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Hot & Spicy Food International Day
[Wed] National Work at Home With Your Spouse Day
[Sun] 59th Annual Golden Globe Awards
Special Education Week
National Lose Weight & Feel Great Month
Celebrate the Past Month
Christian/Jewish Humor Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS ‘DOUBLE B GAME’:
Each word of the 2-word answers to the following begin with the letter ‘B’ —
• The breakfast treat Americans insist on calling ‘Canadian Bacon’. (Back Bacon)
• He’s the wealthy bachelor cousin who adopted ‘Frodo’ in JRR Tolkein’s writings. (‘Bilbo Baggins’)
• It’s Thomas Gainsborough’s famous 1770 painting of a single lad in fine attire. (“The Blue Boy”)
• It’s what you wear if you’re a martial arts expert. (Black Belt.)
• He’s the 78-year-old host of long-running TV game show “The Price is Right”. (Bob Barker, who’ll be taping the 30th anniversary broadcast of the series THURSDAY in Las Vegas.)
• She’s the French ‘sex kitten’ actress who became an animal rights activist. (Brigitte Bardot)
• It’s a delicate little white flower often used in floral arrangements. (Baby’s Breath. Who named this? Have you ever actually smelled a baby’s breath? Ewww!)
• It’s the famous Anna Sewell novel about the life of a horse in 19th-century England. (“Black Beauty”)
• It’s a nickname for royals and aristocrats. (Blue Blood)
• She’s the 1930s cartoon character famous for her short skirt and garter. (‘Betty Boop’)
• It’s what investigators look for when a plane crashes. (Black Box, although flight data recorders and cockpit voice recorders are actually usually orange.)
BS PREGNANCY Q & A:
Have a fake ‘expert’ field these fake questions from fake callers . . .
Q: My husband and I are very attractive. I’m sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A: Your therapist.
Q: I’m 2 months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.
Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: No, not unless the word ‘divorce’ means anything to you.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in university.
Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.
Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.
Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: ‘Cause you’re fatter then they are.
Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A: No, but your husband might get on your nerves.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: I’m modest. Once I’m in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A: Authorized personnel only — doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s Pampers very quickly.
Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
BS TRIVIA:
Q: How many squirts does it take from a cow to make a pound of butter?
A: It takes about 350 squirts from the average cow to make a pound of butter. Squirt efficiency is based on ideal milking conditions and contented cows. Your cow may vary.
BS TAG LINE:
Failure is an event, never a person.
