Tuesday, January 8, 2002 Edition: #2206
There’s No BS Like Show BS!
BS WHYZITS:
• Whyzit we have a ‘Great Divide’ but no great add, subtract, or multiply?
• Whyzit by the time a person gets to greener pastures, he can’t climb the fence?
• Whyzit your tire gauge lets out half of the air when you are trying to get a reading?
• Whyzit if we aren’t supposed to eat animals, they are made of meat?
• Whyzit ‘rush hour’ lasts for more than an hour?
• Whyzit a woman can eat a 2-lb box of candy and gain 5 lbs?
• Whyzit they call it a ‘tax return’ if they have no intention of returning any of it?
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Scotland’s Highlands Tourist Board has sent Madonna a custom tartan designed for her as a 1st anniversary present and a thank-you for having her wedding at Skibo Castle and putting the region on the map (whadya figure SHE wears under a kilt?) . . . “Lord of The Rings” fans have now identified some 37 mistakes in the movie, including a car cruising by in the distance and some huge rocks that wobble because they are clearly lightweight fakes . . . “LOTR” has become the 6th film released in 2001 to cross the $200 million mark — a new record . . . Religious zealots in New Mexico are burning “Harry Potter” books because they contain references to witchcraft (don’t you have to BUY the books first before you burn them and doesn’t that sort of defeat the purpose?) . . . Virgin Records is now denying reports that it will buy out Mariah Carey‘s $50-million recording contract and dump her due to her last album “Glitter” bombing (now they say they’ll do it just because she’s a bitch) . . . The US Supreme Court has ruled in favor of the heirs of ‘The Three Stooges’ in a dispute with an LA artist over rights to their likenesses (at a press conference, the heirs said, “Nyuk nyuk nyuk”) . . . Britain’s Prince Edward, who runs his own production company, has reportedly infuriated big brother Prince Charles by asking him to take part in a TV documentary about his love life (Camilla was to be played by Benji) . . . They started dating after she guest-starred on “Spin City” and now word is former ‘Bond girl’ Denise Richards has moved in with actor Charlie Sheen (could Hollywood’s most infamous party guy actually be settling down?).
TODAY’S DVD & VHS RELEASES:
The no-name horror thriller “Jeepers Creepers”, about a brother and sister on their way home from college who make a horrific discovery in the basement of an abandoned old church . . . A 2-disc DVD re-packaging of Robert Altman’s classic 1970 movie “M*A*S*H” in a ‘restored, uncut, original version’ . . . The 1960 original version of ”Ocean’s Eleven” is out on DVD, starring Frank Sinatra and the infamous ‘Rat Pack’.
FOUR-EYES ARE NOW COOL:
The UK’s Specsavers chain of opticians says the huge popularity of the “Harry Potter” film and books has created a big demand for eyeglasses among children — even if they don’t need them. The company is attempting to capitalize on the trend by holding its own ‘Harry Potter’ look-alike contest.
PET NAMES:
A survey of 2,000 pet owners by animal healthcare company Merial finds the top current names for cats are ‘Tigger’ and ‘Tom’, while the top 2 dog names are ‘Sam’ and ‘Jess’. The poll also finds that more and more pets are now being named after sports personalities, celebrities and — drinks.
BEDSIDE MANNERS:
A new report has recommended a list of personality traits that medical schools should use to weed out students. Among the traits future doctors should be screened for — arrogance, brashness, condescension, self-centeredness and a patronizing attitude. (In related news, a severe doctor shortage is predicted within 10 years.)
FITNESS FOR FAT FIDOS:
A fitness centre for overweight dogs has opened in Switzerland. Aquadog’s facilities include a a treadmill for pets whose owners are too busy to walk them and a specially adapted pet swimming pool. A 1-hour swim session at the dog fitness centre in Rancate costs around $40. (Weight Watchers used Sarah Ferguson as a spokesperson. Perhaps Aquadog will too?)
LOSER OF THE DAY:
A ham radio operator in Giessen, Germany overheard police calling for help because their cruiser was stuck in the mud, so he went to the officers’ aid and helped tow them out. The Good Samaritan was promptly charged with — illegally monitoring police radio.
NEW GIZMOS & GADGETS:
• ‘The LG Internet Fridge’ is a futuristic new refrigerator that records what’s stored inside and then does the grocery shopping for you via the ‘Net. (If I need something to count my beers and comment on my lifestyle — I have a mother-in-law.)
• Researchers at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester MN have come up with a thermal imaging camera that can detect if you’re lying by measuring sudden flashes of heat around your eyes. It is hoped the instrument can be used for airport security. (When I lied as a kid, the only ‘heat around my eyes’ was the back of my dad’s hand upside my head.)
• There’s a new device that sends ‘mild electrical pulses’ to a nerve in the neck as a treatment for chronic depression. (It’s hard to be depressed when you’re knocked out cold on the floor.)
WEB GOODIES:
• A new test has been developed to determine if you’ve got an Internet addiction problem. Ironically – the test is only available on the Internet.
NET: http://www.netaddiction.com/resources/internet_addiction_test.htm
• New Zealand artist Richard Lomas has created dozens of ‘bug paintings’ over the past decade by strapping oil-slathered canvases to the front of his car and driving 13,000 km to gather squashed insects. The results can be seen at . . .
NET: http://www.wellingtononlinegallery.co.nz
THE BULL SHEET 01.08.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1935 [D-1977] Elvis Presley, Tupelo MS, rock ‘n roll legend NOTE: This year’s birthday celebrations at Graceland remember the King as both a singer and a soldier, with a dance TONIGHT dubbed the “GI Red, White and Blues” and the screening of Elvis’s film “GI
Blues”
1947 [55] David Bowie (Jones), Brixton ENG, classic rock singer (“Changes”, “China Girl”)
1969 [33] R (Robert) Kelly, Chicago IL, R&B/pop singer (“I Wish”, “I Believe I Can Fly”)
1971 [31] Jason Giambi, West Covina CA, MLB slugger/1st baseman (formerly Oakland A’s) who’s just signed a 7-year deal reportedly worth $120 million to join the NY Yankees
1979 [23] Sarah Polley, Toronto ON, movie actress (“eXistenZ”, “The Sweet Hereafter”)/former star of “Road to Avonlea” NOTE: She was considered for the character ‘Penny Lane’ in “Almost Famous”, the role that eventually went to Kate Hudson
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Show & Tell Day at Work”, when we’re encouraged to bring in something of interest to share with others. ([Your co-host] thoughtfully brought in a virus.)
TODAY is “International Man Watchers Day”, when a list of the ‘most watchable men’ is released. If you’re not concerned over being used as a sex object, get the list here . . .
NET: http://www.manwatchers.com
TODAY is “National Bubble Bath Day”. (Don’t forget to feed the kids beans before their nightly bath.)
TODAY is “Women’s Day” (or “Midwife’s Day”) in Greece, when women spend the day in cafes while men do housework and look after children. Traditionally, men caught outside are stripped and doused with cold water!
TODAY-Sunday the “Canadian Figure Skating Championships” jump to it in Hamilton ON.
NET: http://www.skatecanada.ca
PHONER: 905-546-3100 (Copps Coliseum)
The “2002 North American International Auto Show”, one of the world’s largest, is open to the media in Detroit TODAY and to the public from SATURDAY-January 21st. Ask about new car gadgets.
PHONER: 248-643-0250 (Rod Alberts, North American International Auto Show)/248-362-4200 (John Bailey, John Bailey & Associates)
ON THIS DAY . . .
1992 [10] During visit to Japan, US President George Bush becomes ill and upchucks on Japanese PM Kiichi Miyazawa’s lap
1993 [09] US Postal Service issues Elvis Presley stamp on what would have been his 58th birthday
1998 [03] ‘Ice Storm of ‘98′ cuts power to more than a million homes in eastern Ontario and in Québec (with damage estimated at $650 million, it’s listed in the “Guinness Book of Records” as the ‘Most Damaging Ice Storm’)
1999 [02] Top 2 executives of Salt Lake City’s Olympic Organizing Committee resign after investigations find IOC members had been given cash payments and expensive gifts
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1926 [76] 1st ‘Pontiac’ car introduced
1926 [76] Abdul-Aziz ibn Sa’ud, the new king of Hejaz, renames his country ‘Saudi Arabia’
1976 [26] 6 countries agree to 1st ‘Canada Cup’ hockey tournament (will there ever be another?)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1944 [58] 1st NHL rookie to score 5 goals in a game (Howie Meeker-Toronto Maple Leafs)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Pre-programmed ‘Tickle Me Elmos’ announce special message
[Wed] Step-Father’s Day / Play God Day / National Rape Survivor Day (coincidence?)
[Wed] 29th Annual American Music Awards
[Thurs] BS Egg Balancing Day
[Thurs] 2-hour finale of “Survivor: Africa”
[Thurs] Peculiar People Day
Someday We’ll Laugh About All This Week
National Thank-Your-Customers Week
National Lose Weight & Feel Great Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE FROM THE ‘BS CYNIC’S DICTIONARY’:
DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.
EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE: A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as ‘playing hard to get’.
IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
NYMPHOMANIAC: A man’s term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.
SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
BS PHONE STARTER:
“As of today, the free preview for all of those new Canadian digital channels is over. Are there any that you’d actually pay to keep?”
BS TRIVIA:
Q: How many hairs are there in an average eyebrow — 50, 550, or 5500?
A: About 550 . . . unless you pluck.
(Source: “Trivia Quest Magazine”)
BS TAG LINE:
One of the privileges of old age is to tell stories that nobody believes and give advice that nobody follows.
