Monday, January 7, 2002        Edition: #2205
The Sheet Hits Your Fans!

JANUARY DIET CHEATING EXCUSES:
• If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
• Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package.
• Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. (Spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream.)
• Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of cooking.
• Chocolate is a universal substitute, and may be used for any other food.
• If you drink a diet soft drink with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soft drink.
• Cookie pieces have no calories. The breaking of the cookies causes the calories to leak out.
• Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast . . . Sara Lee cheesecake.

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
• “Hollywood Reporter” says Mariah Carey’s guest spot on FOX-TV’s “Ally McBeal” airs TONIGHT. Meantime, NBC-TV has dropped one of its weekly episodes of “Weakest Link” to make room for the return of the gross-out game “Fear Factor” TONIGHT.
• U2’s Bono has been named 2001’s ‘European of the Year’ by the publication “European Voice”. The main reason for the choice, says the entertainment rag, is Bono’s constant crusading for humanitarian causes.
• “New York Post” says if you don’t like Britney Spears’ sexy new image, you might want to lock your kids up so they don’t see her upcoming movie, “Crossroads”. In it, she reportedly
dances in her underwear (and not in the style of Tom Cruise in “Risky Business”), gets drunk, and then becomes a non-virgin with help from an ex-con. (Gee, wonder if they’ll be marketing action figures?)
• According to PageSix.com, there was tension on the set of the video for Enrique Iglesias’ new single “Escape”. The climax of the new vid was supposed to be a lingering kiss between Enrique and 20-year-old hot tamale tennis star Anna Kournikova. Seems Enrique balked at doing the scene when he discovered she had — ewww! – zits in the corner of her mouth. His refusal left Kournikova in tears, but after 3 hours and several visits from makeup artists, the scene was finally shot. However, word is it doesn’t come off as the sizzling smooch that was intended.
• “TV Guide” reports that “Survivor: Africa” contestant Kim Powers (the younger Kim) is in negotiations to pose nude for “Playboy”. (The bad news is, so is Brandon.)
• The All-Body-Noise Quartet may not be the classiest band you’ve ever heard, but they’re certainly the most unusual, reports “Weekly World News”. The gross-out group uses belching, gas-passing, knuckle-cracking and belly-slapping to make music. Their unique sound keeps them in high demand at weddings (?????), outdoor music festivals and nightclubs in their hometown of New Orleans.
• “E! Online News” says CBS-TV prematurely posted an announcement on its Website FRIDAY confirming “The Daily Show’s” Jon Stewart as returning to host this year’s “Grammy Awards” FEBRUARY 27. CBS later removed the Grammy section from its site and Stewart’s reps had no comment on the posting. Meantime, the clock’s ticking and there’s still no host!
• “Daily Dish” reports Nicole Kidman has sent George Clooney a check after losing a bet made years ago that he’d be married by the time he was 40. (George hit the big 4-0 LAST YEAR.)
• The “Smoking Gun” Website has published a Tampa Police Department report showing that 21-year-old Backstreet Boy Nick Carter was busted for ignoring repeated police orders to leave a nightclub during a disturbance. Seems Carter, who was engaged in a heated argument with an unknown woman, was hit with a misdemeanor charge of resisting arrest and opposing a law enforcement officer at 3:20am January 2. He’s now scheduled to headline a March 4 appearance in County Court.
• And we get these Earth-shattering headlines from the latest edition of “Weekly World News” — “Car Wash Turns Gal’s Ford Into Shiny New BMW!”, “Time Traveler Says Mutants & Freaks Rule the Future!”, “Fat Wife Busted the Shocks on My New Caddy – Twice!”, and – you gotta love it – “Man Makes Furniture From Dead Relatives!”

NO SHEET:
A “Glamour” mag survey of men in their 20s and 30s asks, “How often do you change your bed sheets?” 23% say once a week. 33% freshen up every 2 weeks. 25% once a month. 10% say they change the bed linen once every few months. (The remaining 9% say, “You’re supposed to change the sheets?”)

SEX BY THE NUMBERS:
A poll for the new BBC series “Sex Life” finds the average man has slept with 13 women (every guy listening is now making a quick calculation while having trouble remembering names). And, not surprisingly, the poll also reveals that 80% of women think ‘one night stands’ are wrong, but only 60% of men believe so. (Those are shocking figures! We would’ve guessed 2% of men.)

DEADLY MONTH:
According to StatsCan, you’re most likely to die in JANUARY or February. Worst risk day is SATURDAY. The trend has been consistent since 1974. (Have a nice commute.)

OSAMA’S TOPS:
Osama Bin Laden has knocked off Adolf Hitler to become the ‘Most Hated Person in the World’, according to a new survey for Madame Tussaud’s waxworks. (In 3rd spot, Lex from “Survivor.)

FOR THE RECORD:
• The holder of the most records in the “Guinness Book” has added his 71st world title. 47-year-old American Ashrita Furman set his latest mark FRIDAY in Phnom Penh, Cambodia by walking 5 miles — while spinning a hula-hoop. He’s named the sport ‘hula-running’. (It’s easy to set a record when you make up your own idiotic events. Hey look at me! I’m the navel lint flicking champ!)
• The “Guinness Book of Records” oldest living man on Earth has died. 112-year-old Antonio Todde passed away FRIDAY on the Italian island of Sardinia. He swore the secret of his longevity was a daily glass of — red wine. (That means the world’s oldest living man is now Larry King.)

TOO STUPID FOR US TO MAKE UP:
• A 16-year-old Amish boy from Honey Brook PA has been charged with drunken driving after crashing — his horse-drawn buggy. (The boy has a previous police record for being involved in numerous rake fights.)
• A new study finds that there may be a form of PMS that males suffer from. (In a related story, look at my damn thighs! They’re huge!)
• A Scotsman is setting up classes to teach dogs how to — dance. Eric Ferguson of Dunblane believes ‘canine dance classes’ will improve dogs’ learning skills. (So far my pooch has only learned to slow dance – with my left leg.)
• Talking to friends by mobile phone is the equivalent of social grooming among apes, according to a new study. (The main difference is, with mobile phones you don’t get as many fleas stuck in your teeth.)

THE BULL SHEET 01.07.2K2

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1946 [56] Jann Wenner, NYC, mag publisher/journalist (“Rolling Stone”)

1957 [45] Katie Couric, Arlington VA, perky TV host (“The Today Show”, since 1991) who’s just re-upped in a new $60 million-plus, 4-year deal with NBC-TV

1964 [38] Nicolas Cage, Long Beach CA, movie actor (“Gone in 60 Seconds”, “The Family Man”, Oscar-“Leaving Las Vegas”)/Francis Ford Coppola’s nephew  NOTE: Chose name “Cage” from comic book hero ‘Luke Cage’  NEXT FILM: The WW2 drama “Windtalkers”, opening JUNE 14

1970 [32] Denny Lambert, Wawa ON, NHL winger (Anaheim Mighty Ducks)

1972 [30] Donald Brashear, Bedford IN, NHL goon (Philadelphia Flyers)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Today] “Old Rock Day” (remember, don’t take it for granite!)
[Today] “Organize Your Home Day” (for Martha Stewart wannabes only)
[Today] “I’m Not Going to Take It Anymore Day” (a special reminder for Winona Ryder?)

TODAY is “Orthodox Christmas” or “Julian Calendar Christmas” in many countries worldwide, including Ukraine, Russia, Yugoslavia, Ethiopia, Belarus, Georgia, and Lebanon. (A cool tradition that takes advantage of all those January sales!)

TOMORROW is “Show & Tell Day at Work”, a chance for adults to partake in the old kindergarten ritual with co-workers. (I’ll show you mine if you tell me about yours.)

THURSDAY is the 10th annual “Egg Balancing Day” as declared by BS, the day that eggs stand up for themselves. Take your average egg, gently place it on it’s fat end and ta-da! — it stands!. So be sure to bring eggs into the studio, and encourage listeners join the eggs-periment. The unofficial egg balancing record was set last year by Zoerb’s Bakery in Tisdale, Saskatchewan encouraged by our affiliate CJVR. The good bakers managed to achieve 92 eggs standing simultaneously over a 4-and-a-half-hour period. (Leaving them in the carton is cheating!)

ON THIS DAY . . .
1990 [12] Italy’s ‘Leaning Tower Of Pisa’ closes to public after leaning too far (re-opened December 15, 2001 after major 27-million-Euro reinforcement that decreases lean by 40.6 cm, making it safe again for tourists)

1999 [02] President Bill Clinton’s impeachment trial begins (only the 2nd in American history)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1714 [288] 1st ‘typewriter’ is patented by Britain’s Henry Mill as “An artificial machine or method for the Impressing or Transcribing of Letters Singly or Progressively one after another, as in Writing, whereby all whatever may be Engrossed in Paper or Parchment so Neat & Exact as not to be distinguished from Print.”

1927 [75] 1st game for ‘Harlem Globetrotters’ (Hinckley IL)

1954 [48] 1st ‘Duoscopic TV’ receiver is unveiled, allowing viewers to watch 2 different shows at same time (a primitive version of today’s ‘picture-in-picture’)

1958 [44] 1st ‘ant farm’ is sold (how do they teach them to ride those teeny tiny little tractors?)

1992 [10] 1st ‘video-telephone’ goes on sale, for $1499 (why aren’t these catching on?)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1997 [05] Babyface ties “Grammy Awards” record with 12 nominations (originally set by Michael Jackson)

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] National Man Watcher’s Day
[Tues] Elvis Presley’s Birthday
[Wed] 29th Annual American Music Awards
[Jan 13] 28th People’s Choice Awards
[Jan 20] 59th Annual Golden Globe Awards
[Feb 12] Academy Award nominations announced
National Handwriting Analysis Week
Intimate Apparel Week
Personal Self-Defense Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: You suffer from ‘lachanophobia’. What are you afraid of — snow shovelling, vegetables, or breast-feeding?
A: It’s the fear of vegetables. (Your kids no doubt have it.)
(Source: http://phobialist.com#mce_temp_url#)

Q: What’s the state sport of Alaska — crab eating, dog mushing, or cod thawing?
A: Dog mushing
(Source: “Totally Trivia”)

Q: In which direction does a CD spin?
A: When a Compact Disk is played, it spins counter-clockwise.
(Source: “Land O’ Useless Facts”)

BS TAG LINE:
If you aren’t going all the way, why go at all?

SALUT!
A tip of da Bull’s horns to our latest samplers – Tiffani Timms @ CFUN Vancouver BC, John Burns @ Q-FM Glasgow SCOT, Jim Law @ KMOU Roswell NM, Matt Wilcox @ KKRZ Portland OR, Mike Lowe @ WSEI Olney IL, and Johnny Wilson @ WOMP Bellaire OH. To subscribe, click here!