Wednesday, January 31, 2001 Edition: #1981
BS SIGNS THERE’S TROUBLE ON THE JOB:
• Your boss asks you to write a desk manual for your job.
• A large paper recycling box is placed next to your file cabinets.
• You notice your co-workers measuring your cubicle when you arrive at work.
• Your assistant starts responding to your memos with, “Yeah, whatever”.
• The new policy on sexual harassment includes your photo.
• Your office chair is made of porcelain and it has a big hole in the seat.
• In your most recent 1-page performance report, the word ‘sucks’ appears 12 times.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
‘N Sync’s Lance Bass will produce and star in the movie “On the Line”, scheduled to start filming in MARCH in Toronto, about a guy trying to track down the girl of his dreams (bandmate Joey Fatone co-stars, but there’s no role for the kinky-haired guy) . . . Meantime, tongues are wagging that Lance Bass and “7th Heaven” star Beverly Mitchell are madly in love and planning a secret wedding . . . Word is Michael Jackson plans to open his Neverland Ranch for a 2-day conference on the ‘fundamental needs of children’ (he searching for new ‘talent’ or what?) . . . Brandy will play ‘Dorothy’ in a hip-hop FOX-TV movie version of “The Wizard of Oz” tentatively titled “The O-Z”, with Busta Rhymes as the ‘Cowardly Lion’, Ginuwine as the ‘Scarecrow’, and Little Richard as the ‘Wizard’ (and how ‘bout Eminem as the ‘Wicked Witch of the West’?) . . . Rumors that Marilyn Manson will play ‘Willy Wonka’ in the upcoming Tim Burton remake of “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” have been shot down – he hasn’t even been asked (what a wonky Willy he’d make!).
21ST CENTURY TERMINOLOGY:
• ‘Seagull Manager’ — A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps all over everything, and then leaves.
• ‘Nosticles’ – A term that originated in Antarctica for icicles hanging from your nose.
• ‘Stomach Pacemaker’ — A new device developed by Italian surgeon Valerio Cigaina that’s embedded in your fat gut and emits electronic pulses that tell your brain there’s no more room for food.
BS FROM AROUND-THE-WORLD:
• Secondary school students in Glasgow, Scotland have been caught cheating on exams using mobile phones to silently send text messages. (“Now with mobile text messaging, you can cheat for less than 5 cents a minute!”)
• In Africa’s Nairobi National Park there are currently a total of 23 men who have given up life in the fast lane in North America and Europe to live in the jungle like ‘Tarzan’. (Does Nike make a loincloth?)
• The Australian government is threatening legal action against a couple who named their children ‘Kitchen’, ‘Bedroom’ and ‘Garage’, after the rooms where they were conceived. (And a civil suit is being launched by their oldest child, ‘Backseat of the Car’.)
• Italy’s Supreme Court has just ruled that patting a woman on the butt at work does not constitute sexual harassment. (To balance out the controversial decision, it also ruled that kneeing a man in the cojones does not constitute excessive retaliation.)
THE BULL SHEET 01.31.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1963 [38] John Dye, Amory MS, TV actor (Andrew-“Touched By An Angel”)
1970 [31] Minnie Driver, London ENG, movie actress (“Return to Me”, “Good Will Hunting”)
1973 [28] Portia DeRossi, Melbourne AUS, TV actress (Nelle Porter-“Ally McBeal”)
1981 [20] Justin Timberlake, Memphis TN, pop singer (‘N Sync-“This I Promise You”, “It’s Gonna Be Me”)/future Mr Britney Spears?
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Backwards Day”, a day to pause and look back on your accomplishments (it’ll only take a moment). To celebrate, you’re encouraged to dress, walk and eat meals backwards (dessert first, etc).
FRIDAY is “Groundhog Day”, a tradition since 1887. If the little rodent sees his shadow, we’ll have 6 more weeks of winter. As you may remember, Canada’s prognosticator “Wiarton Willie” kicked the bucket just before his big day a couple years back. He’s been replaced by a new groundhog, who has a backup hog just in case history repeats itself.
PHONERS: 519-534-1400/519-534-5492 NET: http://www.wiarton-willie.org/index.cfm
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 Atlanta Braves pitcher John Rocker suspended by MLB for disparaging foreigners, homosexuals and minorities in “Sports Illustrated” interview
2000 Baltimore Ravens LB Ray Lewis (Super Bowl XXXV MVP) charged with murder in deaths of 2 people outside Atlanta nightclub after Super Bowl XXXIV (pleads guilty to obstruction of justice while co-defendants are acquitted at trial)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1928 [73] ‘Scotch Tape’ 1st marketed by 3M
1956 [45] 1st ‘twist-off bottle top’
1990 [11] 1st McDonalds in Russia opens in Moscow (world’s largest with 900 seats, operated by McDonald’s of Canada)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Women’s Heart Health Day
[Sat] Halfway Point of Winter
Catholic Schools Week
National Be-On-Purpose Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS PHONE STARTERS:
• “Which celebrity’s body shape is ideal for real women?”
• “What’s the strangest food item you’ve snuck into a movie theater?”
BS TRIVIA:
Q: What’s the only other animal besides humans that can stand on its head?
A: The Asian elephant. (Source: “Sudden Facts”)
Q: This cocktail was invented at Harry’s New York Bar in Paris and originally called a ‘Red Snapper’. What do we now call it?
A: A ‘Bloody Mary’. (Source: “Useless Digest”)
BS TAG LINE: The boss has a motto: if at first you don’t succeed, you’re fired.
