Tuesday, January 30, 2001 Edition: #1980
TODAY is “World Law Day”, established in 1922. Sooooo . . .
• If you see a lawyer and a senator drowning and you have to make a choice, would you go to a movie or have lunch?
• How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? (The real question is — how much can the light bulb afford to be screwed for?)
• What do you call a lawyer buried in sand up to his neck? (Not enough sand.)
• Why are there no stamps with pictures of lawyers on them? (People wouldn’t know which side to spit on.)
• Whats the difference between a dead lawyer in the middle of the road and a dead dog in the middle of the road? (There are skid marks in front of the dog.)
• What can a goose do, that a duck can’t, that a lawyer should? (Stick their bill up their ass.)
BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:
Jodie Foster tells “People” mag she’s nervous about her upcoming appearance during ‘Celebrity Week’ on “Jeopardy!” and has been preparing by working on her, quote — “buzzering skills” (something tells me she should practise ‘losering’ gracefully) . . . Since his sitcom “Normal, Ohio” was cancelled, rotund actor John Goodman has committed himself to losing 100 pounds (so he spent the weekend in a London casino) . . . A TV company in Scotland is planning a reality show called “Can You Live Without?” in which horny couples try to go without sex for 2 weeks (they hire horny couples and show them NOT having sex — they seem a tad confused over what makes good TV) . . . Tennis pro Boris Becker admits he had oral sex with a Russian model in the broom closet of a London restaurant, but now his lawyers are preparing a defence that claims she then injected his sperm on the orders of Russian mobsters in order to collect a huge settlement when she got pregnant (wow, who’s got the movie rights to this story?).
TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
A professor’s wife investigates the murder of a beautiful college student whose ghost has been haunting her in the mystery “What Lies Beneath”, starring Harrison Ford & Michelle Pfeiffer . . . An orphaned dinosaur is raised by lemurs in Disney’s animated family fare “Dinosaur”.
THE SURVEY SEZ:
• A new Roper Poll finds that people are considered most sexually attractive when they’re 38 years old. (The survey was conducted among 2,000 38-year-olds.)
• An online marriage survey finds that 98% of women still take their husband’s last name when they tie the knot. (And everything else when they untie it!)
• A new Zogby poll finds about half of us don’t like ANY facial hair on men. (Of course, the results are a bit skewed. There was no way to call the Amish.)
THE WEEK’S WEIRDEST TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Outrageous new sport — penguin bowling!”
• “Devil dog ‘Fluffy’ killed 8 owners in 3 years, say cops!”
• “Alien brains are the size of Ping-Pong balls, say Russians!”
• “Man finds eyeball stuck to the roof of his car!”
(Source: the deliciously tacky “Weekly World News”)
THE BULL SHEET 01.30.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1930  Gene Hackman, San Bernadino CA, actor who’s always good even when a movie is awful (Oscars-““Unforgiven”, “The French Connection”) NEXT FILM: Plays Brad Pitt’s father in “The Mexican”, co-starring Julia Roberts
1937  Vanessa Redgrave, London ENG, movie actress (2001 Golden Globe Award-“If These Walls Could Talk 2”, “Howard’s End”, Oscar-“Julia”)
1941  Dick Cheney, Lincoln NE, US Vice-President/Defense Secretary in ‘Dubya’s’ dad’s administration
1951  Phil Collins, Chiswick ENG, rock singer/drummer (“In the Air Tonight”, “Genesis-“Invisible Touch”)/film composer (“Tarzan”)
1974  Christian Bale, Pembrokeshire WALES, movie actor (“American Psycho”, “Shaft 2000″)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “National Inane Answering Message Day”, a time set aside to change, shorten, replace or delete those annoying answering machine messages. Ask listeners to call in phone numbers answered by weird and wacky messages, then play the best back on-air.
ONE YEAR AGO . . .
2000 Tennessee Titans are stopped 3 feet short of the goal line in the final seconds, giving St Louis Rams 23-16 victory in Super Bowl XXXIV at Atlanta
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1790  1st ‘lifeboat’, tested by one Mr Greathead (would you wanna share a lifeboat with some guy named ‘Mr Greathead’?)
1894  1st ‘jackhammer’ patented (giving me something to compare that sound in my head to the morning after the Super Bowl party)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1920  Quebec Bulldogs’ Joe Malone sets NHL record of 7 goals in a single game
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Child Labor Day (I thought that was illegal!)
National Consumer Protection Week (always practise safe purchasing)
National Mail-Order Gardening Month (I ordered a bag o’ rocks)
BULL’S BITS . . .
WHO WANTS TO BE ON-THE-AIR?
• Canada is one of few remaining industrialized countries where it’s still legal to do this. a) clone a human b) juggle midgets c) get married with your fly open [Human cloning]
• According to Chinese custom, eating wild animals cures a variety of illnesses. What common ailment is treated with a dosage of wild cat? a) backache b) headache c) flatulence [Flatulence]
• 154 years ago TODAY (1847) the town of ‘Yerba Buena’ was renamed. What do we call it now? a) Yerba Malo b) San Francisco c) Whoville [San Francisco]
• You’re an expert in ‘dendrochronology’. What do you study? a) tattoos b) tree stumps c) coffee stains [The rings in a tree’s stump to determine it’s age. If you study Liz Taylor’s rings you can determine the number of marriages.)
• Through which part of its body does a snail breathe? a) its foot b) its eyeball c) its noo-noo [The upper part of its foot, near the shell.]
BS TAG LINE: I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and then it was too late.