Monday, January 29, 2001 Edition: #1979
SUPER BOWL LOSER EXCUSES:
• Depressing pre-game pep talk by Al Gore.
• Should have made ‘tails’ our FINAL ANSWER during the coin toss.
• Shouldn’t have skipped breakfast — it’s the most important meal of the day!
• Forgot to get Backstreet Boy Nick Carter a 21st birthday card and it looked like he was STARING RIGHT AT US during the anthem!
• Hey, you ever try to run around a 350-lb tub of goo?
• Started giving 109% instead of 110%.
• Their quarterback kept looking one way, then throwing the other.
• Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down!
• Secure enough in our manhood to play gently.
• This is Florida – we thought there’d be a re-count!
• Wanted to beat the traffic.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “Entertainment Weekly” says advertisers had to pony up over $12 million apiece (about $450,000 per 30-second ad) for the 13-week run of “Survivor II: The Australian Outback”. As part of the sponsorship package they also get ‘product placement’ on the show. (“OK tribes, today’s immunity challenge involves chugging a Pepsi — out of a Reebok shoe”)
• “Sun” notes that CBS is threatening a lawsuit against PornstarSurvivor.com, a Website that’s charging $29.95 to access its “Survivor” rip-off reality show in which 4 lucky guys attempt to outlast each other — in a house full of porn stars. ‘Challenges’ include ‘Naked Twister’ and ‘Porn Star Obstacle Course’. The grand prize is $50,000. (Huh? They had to offer a PRIZE?)
• “People Today” reveals that 2′-8″ actor Verne Troyer, ‘Mini-Me’ in “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me”, has become a regular at Hugh Hefner’s Playboy mansion and recently, quote – HIT IT OFF – unquote, with a tall, blond “Playboy” model. (Who was heard to exclaim, “Ow! Was that a bee sting?”)
• TONIGHT Steven Spielberg will be knighted at a ceremony at the British embassy in Washington, but “National Enquirer” notes that because he isn’t British, the knighthood is honorary and only entitles him to tack the letters ‘KBE’ — for ‘Knight of the British Empire’ — after his name. (Doesn’t matter, you can bet everyone in show biz still calls him ‘Sir’.)
• Despite official denials, Britain’s “Sun” tab insists Puff Daddy and Jennifer Lopez are only hanging together to present a ‘united front’ at his trial in NYC (opening statements are TODAY). The tab claims J-Lo has struck up a new relationship with one of her dancers, Cris Judd.
• “E! Online” says Robert Downey Jr’s lawyers are asking that TODAY’s scheduled hearing in his latest drug case be postponed in order to further analyze lab tests. If convicted, he faces 4 years in prison. (But thanks to his impending divorce, he’ll be free to date other inmates.)
GENIE AWARDS FACTS:
• TONIGHT celeb interviewer Brian Linehan hosts Canada’s 21st annual film awards on CBC-TV from Toronto.
• The French-language film “Maelstrom” tops nominations with 10, including ‘Best Picture’.
• Acting nominees include David Cubitt, Tony Nardi, Marie-Josee Croze and Tilda Swinton — proving what comedian Dave Broadfoot once said, “American stars have bodyguards, Canadian stars have name tags.”
THE BULL SHEET 01.29.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1954  Oprah Winfrey, Kosciusko MS, first woman to own and produce her own TV talk show (“Oprah”, since 1986)/movie producer & actress (“Beloved”)/magazine publisher (“O”)
1965  Dominik “The Dominator” Hasek, Pardubice CZE, NHL goaltender (Buffalo Sabres)
1968  Ed Burns, Woodside NY, movie actor (“Saving Private Ryan”)/movie producer/director (“Sidewalks of New York”, “She’s the One”)
1970  Heather Graham, Milwaukee WI, movie actress (Felicity Shagwell-“Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me”, “Scream 2″)
1979  Andrew Keegan, LA CA, movie actor (“10 Things I Hate About You”)/former TV actor (“7th Heaven, “Party of Five”) who’s dating singer LeAnn Rimes
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Swap a Brown Bag Lunch Day”, to add some excitement to your noon hour. (What’s the worst thing you ever found in your lunch bag?)
TODAY is Oz’s big national holiday, “Australia Day”, commemorating the landing (January 26, 1788) of the first boatload of English convicts at Sydney to establish a penal colony (yup, they were all men).
5 YEARS AGO . . .
1996 Garth Brooks refuses the “American Music Award” for ‘Favorite Overall Artist’ claiming Hootie & the Blowfish kept music “alive in ’95”
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1796  Toronto’s main street, Yonge Street, takes its name from British Minister of War Sir George Yonge
1900  ‘American League’ 1st organized, with 8 baseball teams (Indianapolis, Buffalo, Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, Kansas City, Milwaukee, and Minneapolis)
1936  1st players elected to ‘Baseball Hall of Fame’ (Ty Cobb, Honus Wagner, Christy Mathewson, Babe Ruth, and Walter Johnson)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1988  Largest NBA crowd (61,938 watch Boston at Detroit)
1995  San Francisco becomes 1st NFL team to win 5 Super Bowls, defeating San Diego 49-26
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Groundhog Day (http://www.groundhog.org/)
Catholic Schools Week (to celebrate [your co-host] is wearing a cute little plaid skirt all this week)
Personal Self-Defense Awareness Month (aka ‘Jackie Chan Month’)
BULL’S BITS . . .
HONEST TO GOODNESS BS LAWS STILL ON THE BOOKS:
• Under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry, so there are men whose full-time job is to travel the countryside deflowering young virgins, who pay them for the privilege! (Let’s just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
• If you’re visiting Malaysia, remember it’s illegal to dance on turtles. (It’s OK to dance WITH turtles.)
• In Cali, Colombia a new wife’s mother must be in the room to witness the first time she has sex with her husband. (“That’s not right! Try it again!”)
BS TAG LINE:
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.