Monday, January 22, 2001 Edition: #1974
TODAY is “Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day”, a day to concentrate on your feline and answer the questions you think it’s asking. With a little practice, you’ll find cats actually communicate, just one more BS reason . . .
WHY CATS ARE BETTER THAN DOGS:
• Just LOOK at a dog! Most of the time, his tongue is hanging out of its mouth like someone just pulled his brain out of its nose!
• Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
• Fewer cat owners suffer from ‘Flappy Tail’ lacerations than dog owners.
• What happens when you walk past a dog? Yap! Yap! Yap! When you walk by a cat? Nothing, they just look at you.
• Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others’.
• Why do you think they call it ‘dog breath’?
• ‘Garfield’. ‘Odie’. ‘Nuff said.
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• Britney Spears has confirmed she’s planning a duet with Madonna. “Entertainment Weekly” says finding time to meet in a recording studio may be the biggest hurdle. (Hey Brit, may we suggest a remake of “Like a Virgin”?)
• “Q Online” reports Destiny’s Child front woman Beyoncé Knowles will play the lead in a made-for-TV update of the 19th-century opera “Carmen”. The title — “Carmen: A Hip Hopera”. (Featuring the first drive-by bullfight.)
• Whoopi Goldberg tells “Parade” mag her first choice for a stage name was ‘Whoopi Cushion’, but her mom talked her out of it. (The story was confirmed by her brother, ‘Rubber Chicken’.)
• “PeopleNews” says Mick Jagger has hired Norman ‘Fatboy Slim’ Cook to remix tracks for the next Rolling Stones album, hoping the overhaul will get the band’s records played in clubs again. (Hey Mick, Stones records are still played in clubs – lawn bowling clubs, pinocle clubs . . .)
• Seems winning a $475-million inheritance just wasn’t enough. “E! Online” reveals that gold digger Anna Nicole Smith is now suing Koch Industries for a similar sum, claiming the firm conspired with her late husband’s son to prevent her from receiving her just desserts. (She’s looking to set the Guinness Record for the first billion-dollar blowjob.)
• And the tabloid headline of the week, courtesy of “Weekly World News”: ‘World’s Bravest Mom Delivers Her Own Baby by C-Section — Using a Pizza Cutter!’ (Ouch.)
ANOTHER INTERNET FIRST:
The first full-length feature film will be available for download over the Internet starting TODAY. Miramax studio is offering a ‘24-hour viewing license’ for its 1999 movie “Guinevere” starring Sarah Polley and Stephen Rea for $3.49. The bad news — even with a high-speed Internet connection, it will take about 30 minutes to download. Doesn’t seem very efficient now but are we looking at step one toward ending trips to the video store?
LIKE OIL & WATER:
SATURDAY more than 200 showed up for the founding convention of the ‘Alberta Independence Party’ in Red Deer. 29-year-old Calgarian Cory Morgan will serve as interim leader until a permanent party head is named (maybe that Lucien guy’s available). The new party believes threat of separation is the only way to convince Ottawa to give Alberta more autonomy. (What if ALL the provinces separate, then agree on some form of loose cooperation. We could call it a ‘country’ or something!)
THE BULL SHEET 01.22.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [61] John Hurt, Chesterfield ENG, movie actor (“Contact”, “Alien”)
1949 [52] Steve Perry, Hanford CA, classic rock singer (“Oh Sherry”, Journey-“Open Arms”)
1952 [49] Teddy Gentry, Ft Payne AL, country singer (Alabama-“When It All Goes South”, “Say I”) NOTE: They’ll do coast-to-coast tour of Canada late September through October.
1956 [45] John Wesley Shipp, NC, TV actor (Mitch Leery-“Dawson’s Creek”)
1959 [42] Linda Blair, St Louis MO, movie actress who really ‘turned heads’ (“The Exorcist”)/now plays ‘Joni‘ in “S Club 7″ TV series
1965 [36] Diane Lane, NYC, movie actress (“The Perfect Storm”, “Murder at 1600″)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “International Clash Day”, when you’re encouraged to put together the gaudiest outfit you can find in order to relieve the winter blahs. (Seems [your co-host] celebrates this EVERY day.)
TODAY is “Ukrainian Day”, celebrating the country’s formation in 1919. Have you noticed that the capital ‘Kiev’ is now officially being spelled ‘Kyiv’ (kay-YEEV)? What? They just noticed we’ve been spelling and saying it wrong all these years? This is sorta like ‘Peking’ changing to ‘Beijing’ 30 years ago. That made ‘Peking Duck’ wrong on menus, now restaurants have to fix ‘Chicken Kiev’. Which Canadian placenames need to be changed – CALgree? TRAWNuh? SKATCHwin?
THIS WEEK is “Healthy Weight Week”, highlighted by “Rid the World of Fad Diets & Gimmicks Day“ TOMORROW and “Women’s Healthy Weight Day” THURSDAY. The whole idea is to debunk unrealistic claims made by weight-loss companies and encourage sensible diets.
PHONER: 701-567-2646 (Frances Berg-Hettinger ND) NET: http://www.healthyweightnetwork.com
ON THIS DAY . . .
1998 [03] Bank of Montreal and Royal Bank announce $40-billion merger that is later rejected by the federal government (however, as of LAST MONTH the 2 banks have quietly merged their credit card operations in a joint venture called ‘Moneris’)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1992 [09] Canada’s 1st female astronaut (Roberta Bondar lifts off in space shuttle ‘Discovery’)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1982 [19] 75% of North America is covered by snow
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Measure Your Feet Day
[Wed] Chinese New Year (‘Year of the Snake’)
[Thurs] Robbie Burns Day (get ready to hurl some haggis)
National Meat Week
National Clean Up Your Computer Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
BS TRIVIA:
Q: SUNDAY’s Super Bowl will be the 3rd held in Tampa. Which city has hosted the most?
A: Miami and New Orleans have each been home to the Super Bowl 8 times. The tie will be broken NEXT YEAR when the game is held at the Louisiana Superdome again. (Source: Superbowl.com)
BS TAG LINE: What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.
