Friday, January 19, 2001 Edition: #1973
CRUEL THINGS A WOMAN CAN SAY TO A NAKED MAN:
• “Awww, it’s cute!”
• “Why don’t we just cuddle?”
• “Wow, and your feet are so big!”
• “How sweet, you brought incense.”
• “This explains your car.”
• “Are you cold?”
• “I guess this makes me the ‘early bird’.”
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
TODAY the trailer for the first installment of the upcoming “Lord of the Rings” trilogy will be available online at the official Website that’s had over 41 million hits since relaunching last Friday (http://lordoftherings.net) . . . “Gladiator” and “Erin Brockovich” are among the top nominees at the 58th “Golden Globe Awards” SUNDAY on NBC-TV, and Kevin Spacey will present the lifetime achievement ‘Cecil B DeMille Award’ to Al Pacino (always a better show than the Oscars) . . . Director Oliver Stone tells “Premiere” magazine he’s considering retiring after making one final movie (could it be “Clinton”?) . . . Red Hot Chili Peppers help wrap the final weekend at the “Rock in Rio” festival SUNDAY (attendance has been disappointing, meaning 1985’s first “Rock in Rio” will likely remain the biggest festival ever with 1.38 million people).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Brad Pitt and Jason Statham lead a motley cast of characters with names like ‘Franky Four Fingers’, ‘Bullet Tooth Tony’ and ‘Doug The Head’ in director Guy Ritchie’s gangster pic “Snatch” (just try mentioning to the wife you and the boys are going out to watch “Snatch” tonight and see what happens) . . . Cate Blanchett, Keanu Reeves and Katie Holmes star in the thriller “The Gift”, about a woman with ESP who’s asked to help find a missing woman . . . Jack Nicholson plays a retiring police chief who pledges to catch the killer of a young child in the drama “The Pledge”, directed by Sean Penn (their first collaboration since 1995’s “The Crossing Guard”).
BIG BOOBS ARE BACK IN BRAZIL:
For decades breast REDUCTIONS were the most popular cosmetic surgery in Brazil, but suddenly breast ENLARGEMENT has become the rage. In fact, there’s now a shortage of implants! One reason is the winner of Brazil’s version of “Survivor” has publicly raved about the benefits of her plastic parts. So now there’s a year-long wait at some clinics!
21ST CENTURY TERMINOLOGY:
• ‘One-Handed Foods’ . . . Food manufacturers say we’re just so darn busy these days we’re looking for anything that can be prepared or eaten conveniently while holding a baby or driving a car. (Leaving the other hand free for your mobile phone.)
• ‘Polydactlism’ . . . A fancy term for having an extra toe. This week a British tabloid published a pic of Oasis rocker Liam Gallagher wearing sandals that clearly shows he has an extra digit on his left foot. The tab claims those with 11 toadies have also included Marilyn Monroe.
• ‘Pre-Moistened Toilet Paper’ . . . . Manufacturer Kimberly-Clark says it created this landmark new product due to consumer demand, and it’s the first major development in toilet paper in 20 years. (And the most important since the invention of the Eaton’s catalogue.)
THE BULL SHEET 01.19.01
TODAY’S CELEBRITY BIRTHDAYS . . .
1934 [67] Lloyd Robertson, Stratford ON, CTV Chief News Anchor and Senior News Editor/CBC “The National” anchor 1970-76/CAB Broadcast Hall of Fame-1998
1946 [55] Dolly Parton, Sevierville TN, movie actress (“Steel Magnolias”)/country singer/songwriter (“I Will Always Love You”)/amusement park owner (“Dollywood”)
1949 [52] Robert Palmer, Batley ENG, classic rock singer (“Addicted to Love”, “Big Time”)
1961 [40] Paul McCrane, Philadelphia PA, TV actor (Dr Robert ‘Rocket’ Romano-“ER”)
1971 [30] John Wozniak, Minneapolis MN, one-hit wonder singer (Marcy Playground-“Sex & Candy”)
1971 [30] Shawn Wayans, NYC, one of the acting Wayans brothers (“Scary Movie”)
SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1952 [49] Paul Stanley, Queens NY, wrinkle rocker still on ‘Farewell Tour’ (Kiss-“Rock ‘N Roll All Nite”)/appeared in Toronto production of “Phantom of the Opera” in 1999
1956 [45] Bill Maher, NYC, TV talk show host (“Politically Incorrect”, since 1994)
1965 [36] John Michael Montgomery, Lexington KY, country singer (“I Miss You a Little”, “I Swear”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Cut Yourself Some Slack Day”, a day to ‘do unto ourselves what we would have others do unto us’. Hey give yourself a break, ya loser!
TODAY is “Maintenance Day”, honoring all janitors and building maintenance personnel. (Because they’re good natured swabs.)
TODAY is “International Sing-Out Day”, a time to break out in song just like they do in dumb musicals.
ON THIS DAY . . .
1996 [05] NHL approves Winnipeg Jets move to Phoenix (leaving just 6 Canadian teams – well 5 if you discount the new Montreal ‘Americains’)
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1915 [86] 1st ‘neon sign’ (What do you think it said? It said ‘Neon’ – because it was made by George Claude of Paris, France for a demonstration.)
1935 [66] 1st ‘Jockey shorts’ go on sale (beginning the boxers vs briefs controversy)
1951 [50] 1st ‘front-hook bra’ (aka the ‘front-end loader’ — fumbling 15-year-old boys cheer!)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] US Inauguration Day
[Sun] National Hugging Day
[Mon] National Answer Your Cat’s Questions Day
[Wed] Chinese New Year (‘Year of the Snake’)
[Thurs] Robbie Burns Day
[Jan 28] Super Bowl XXXV
Love Yourself Month (aka ‘You’ll Go Blind Month’)
BULL’S BITS . . .
Q: You’re in Korea and you order some ‘poshintang’ soup. What’s the main ingredient?
A: Dog meat, which is believed to improve men’s virility and women’s complexions.
BS TAG LINE:
Remember the Golden Rule — First one into work Friday turns the clocks ahead one hour!
