Monday, January 17, 2000                                           Edition:  #1722

MIAMI DOLPHINS’ BS EXCUSES FOR LOSING 62-7:
• Wanted to keep uniforms clean for postgame photo.
• QB Dan Marino and coach Jimmy Johnson constantly arguing over who’d retire first.
• Weak with laughter from humorous banners in stands.
• Jags’ quarterback kept looking one way, then throwing the other.
• Preoccupied about getting home in time to see “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire”.
• Wanted to see if electronic scoreboard could handle triple digits.
• Some kid in section E, row 11 kept yelling, “Dolphins suck!”
• At the last minute, Marino wanted his soul back.

BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “Extra Extra!” reports David Letterman is doing fine after emergency quintuple bypass surgery Friday. Apparently he went in for a check up and doctors decided to operate immediately. (He’ll use the experience for his new bit ‘Stupid Doctor Tricks’.)
• “Globe” says that Drew Barrymore credits a ‘jog bra’ with helping her get in shape for the upcoming movie version of “Charlie’s Angels”. (Now, if they could only develop an ‘acting bra’.)
• Rome’s “La Republica” newspaper reports there are “insistent rumors” in the Vatican that Pope John Paul II plans to retire next year. (To be followed by “Pope John Paul III: The Wrath of Khan”.)
• According to “Star”, neurotic Woody Allen is still convinced he has Lyme Disease even though he’s had some 20 doctors check him out and declare him disease-free. He reportedly continues to search out new docs. (He’s considering consulting his wife’s pediatrician.)
• “Globe” reports that when skeletal Calista Flockhart dines out, she orders Caesar salads WITHOUT the Caesar — NO  dressing and NO croutons. (When she orders a burger she gets relish.)

AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS FAX:
• Tonight from Los Angeles on ABC-TV, hosted by actor/comic Norm Macdonald.
• Shania Twain, Britney Spears and Whitney Houston lead nominations with 3 apiece.
• Performers include Eurythmics, ‘N Sync, Britney Spears, Enrique Iglesias, Jennifer Lopez, Savage Garden, and Brooks & Dunn.
• Mariah Carey will receive special ‘Award of Achievement’, joining Michael Jackson and Prince as the only recipients in the Awards’ 27-year history.
• Gloria Estefan will receive the 27th annual ‘Award of Merit’.

YUPPIE WHEELS:
German sports car maker Porsche has announced it’s coming out with a sport utility vehicle in 2002. (Just what we need — an SUV that goes from zero-to-supermarket in less than 6 seconds.)

ANOTHER %#@#?!!!! STUDY:
A nationwide study on cursing finds men are twice as likely to use curse words when angry as women. The average woman has 29 nasty words in her vocabulary, while the average male is fluent with 50. (That’s a heckuva lotta body parts and religious expressions to memorize!)

THE BULL SHEET 01.17.00

TODAY’S CELEB BIRTHDAYS . . .
1942    [58] Muhammad Ali, Louisville KY, 3-time heavyweight boxing champ/Parkinson’s victim
1962    [38] Jim Carrey, Newmarket ON, movie actor (Man on the Moon, The Truman Show) NOTE: He claims the $200,000 diamond ring he recently gave actress Renee Zellweger was just a “sign of friendship”
1970    [30] Jeremy Roenick, Boston MA, NHL center (Phoenix Coyotes)
1974    [26] Derrick Mason, Detroit MI, NFL WR (Tennessee Titans)

BS REASONS TO PARTY  . . .
Today is “Martin Luther King Jr Day” in the USA, to honor the civil rights leader’s birth date (January 15).  It’s been celebrated as a legal holiday on the 3rd Monday in January since 1986. This year, Martin Luther King III and actor Andrew Shue are urging kindergartners through 12th-graders across the USA to perform acts of kindness and justice for the 2 weeks after today’s observance.

This is “Let Men Be Our Heroes Week”, a week for women to appreciate men, and to give men the opportunity to make women happy.
PHONER: 909-532-1765 (Kara Oh)

ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1998    Bill Clinton utters those infamous words “I did NOT have sexual relations with that woman”
1998    Savage Garden’s “Truly, Madly, Deeply” peaks at #1 on pop singles charts
1999    James Van Der Beek in “Varsity Blues” is tops at the movies

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1874    [126] 1st well-known Siamese twins Chang and Eng, who are joined at the chest, die at 63  (After years of touring with the PT Barnum Show, they retired to 2 farms in North Carolina, married 2 sisters and raised 2 families — ALTERNATING nights between farms!)
1995    [05] Shania Twain releases 1st hit single “Whose Bed Have Your Boots Been Under”
1997    [03] Irish court grants 1st divorce in the nation’s history

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Rid the World of Fad Diets & Gimmicks Day
[Tues] Winnie the Pooh Day
[Fri] National Hugging Day
Be Good to Yourself Week
Personal Self-Defence Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS REALLY REALLY SHORT BOOKS:
• “Popular Retirement Strategies” by Celine Dion
• “Secrets of Home Security” by George Harrison
• “Mike Tyson’s Guide to English Boxing Regulations”
• “Academy Award-Winning Movies Based On ‘SNL’ Skits”
• “Secrets For A Long Marriage” by Dennis Rodman
• “An Old Man’s Guide To Fashion” by Mr Blackwell
• “Straight From The Heart” by David Letterman

THE LAST WORD:
It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it!