Tuesday, January 11, 2000 Edition: #1718
Melissa Etheridge tells “Rolling Stone” that David Crosby is the father of her children through artificial insemination. So here’s a BS look at . . .
CLUES THAT DAVID CROSBY IS YOUR FATHER:
• You not only don’t like liver – you don’t HAVE a liver.
• Daddy thoughtfully taught you to roll your own soothers.
• Your unique crib toy is made from mustache trimmings.
• Both your mommies keep humming “Our house is a very very very fine house . . .”
• Birth weight — 357 lbs.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Rosie O’Donnell — who just adopted a third baby — hires male nannies so her kids will have a man’s influence (so who’s giving them a woman’s influence?) . . . Ricky Martin says he’s flattered that George Michael is sexually attracted to him, and can’t wait to “make music” with him (oh please!) . . . Soon-to-be Mrs Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta-Jones, won’t be worrying over money, having just signed a multi-million-dollar deal to make up to 12 Hollywood flicks . . . “Will & Grace” star Megan Mullally claims she’s bisexual, but her friends are spreading rumors that she’s really –heterosexual (this is life in the new millennium) . . . Former Olympic gold medal figure skater Katarina Witt will appear as a villain on Pamela Anderson’s syndicated jiggle show “VIP” (she’ll attempt to annihilate the VIP agency with a series of triple axles.)
TODAY’S VIDEO RELEASES:
Bridget Fonda and Bill Pullman star in “Lake Placid”, a fright flick about a giant crocodile in a Maine lake written by “Ally McBeal” creator David E Kelly . . . “Mystery Men”, a send-up of superhero movies, features Ben Stiller and a cast of wackos with unusual powers — like ‘amazingly accurate fork-flinging’ and ‘methane blasting’.
TOP RENTING VIDEOS:
1. “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me”
2. “Notting Hill”
3. “The Matrix”
4. “Entrapment”
5. “Instinct”
(Source: “Billboard”)
WEIRD SCIENCE:
• Britain’s Leeds University is working on a device that would spot speeding cars from a spy satellite and cut off their fuel supplies. (Now if they could just develop a ray gun to zap incessantly blinking turn signals.)
• Researchers at Japan’s Kyoto University have trained a chimpanzee to remember the correct sequence of 5 random numbers and they say it remembers as well as the average preschool child. (In fact the little monkey has ripped off all the other chimps for their bananas playing the daily number.)
“DANGER: SMOKING MAY LEAD TO STATISTICS”:
Federal Health Minister Allan Rock is preparing to force tobacco companies to feature more graphic warnings on cigarette packages, such as photos of cancerous lungs. (And a really frightening one of a hungover host on the morning after rooting through an ashtray for something smokable.)
THE BULL SHEET 01.11.00
TODAY’S CELEB BIRTHDAYS . . .
1815 [D-1891] Sir John A MacDonald, Glasgow SCOT, 1st Prime Minister of Canada (1867-73) Why isn’t this a holiday?
1934 [66] Jean Chrétien, Shawinigan PQ, 20th Prime Minister of Canada (1993-present)
1968 [32] Tom Dumont, rock musician (No Doubt-Don’t Speak, Spiderwebs)
1971 [29] Mary J Blige, Bronx NY, hip hop singer (All That I Can Say, What’s The 411?)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “International Pharmacists Day”, honoring drug dealers everywhere. (A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.)
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1995 NHL owners and players end 103-day lockout and announce 48-game ‘regular season’
1998 Rolling Stones’ concert postponed in Montreal as Ice Storm of ‘98 cuts power and ice pierces roof of Olympic Stadium
1999 “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” debuts on Comedy Central
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1973 [27] American League 1st adopts designated hitter rule (the ‘DH’)
1982 [18] CBC-TV’s “The Journal” debuts as “The National” moves to 10 pm
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] 90th Anniversary of First Radio Broadcast
[Fri] National Dress Up Your Pet Day
[Sat] Hat Day
[Sat] Hug Your Cat Day
[Sun] Hot & Spicy Food International Day
National Nurse Anesthetists Week
International Get Over It Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
HEY, CHEER UP!
• The parachute company says you’ll get a full refund.
• The “National Enquirer” just loved those nude shots of you.
• The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow.
• Just 5 co-workers have the flu, so you’re only doing the job of 6 people.
• The police detective says he only has a few more questions.
• At least the passenger side air bag inflated.
• Tech support says those errors just aren’t possible.
BS TRIVIA:
Q: In Canada you would ‘run’ for it, but in Britain you would ‘stand’ for it. What is it?
A: Elective office (ie: Prime Minister).
THE LAST WORD:
Men’s desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; women’s desire for intimacy often results in sex.
FREE LOAD OF BS:
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