Monday, January 10, 2000 Edition: #1717
BS EXCUSES FOR NOT GOING TO WORK TODAY:
• “If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.”
• “When I got up this morning I took a chug of Metamucil in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.”
• “I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?”
• “I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet… ”
• “Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.”
• “I’ve used up all my sick days . . . so I’m calling in dead.”
BS TABLOID TRASH:
• “Globe” reports Jennifer Lust Hewitt’s new TV series “Time of Your Life” is going down the tubes and her TV movie about Audrey Hepburn is so bad it may never get released. (Proving you just can’t cure sagging ratings with a pushup bra.)
• “National Enquirer” claims Shania Twain has gone back to her husband Mutt after being dumped by her lover. (Saying, “You’re Still the One” but “Man I Feel Like a Woman”!)
• Michael Jackson tells “TV Guide” his next release may be his last (hurray!!!). His first new album in 5 years is due late June.
• “E! Online Daily” says Catherine Zeta-Jones will sign a pre-nupt before marrying new fiancée Michael Douglas. By the way, the big wedding date will be announced on his Web site. (That can be found at www.old-guys-pretending-they’re-young.com)
• Sunday’s British tabs report a plot to kidnap “Posh Spice” Victoria Beckham and her baby son was foiled. (Unconfirmed sources say the crime was prevented when she drove one of her 8-inch stiletto heels into the kidnappers’ toes.)
• “People Online” reports that Madonna will perform at the Super Bowl. (Likely in the locker room.)
THINGS ARE GOING DOWNHILL QUICKLY:
Oregon orthopedic surgeon Dr John Tongue is recommending that kids 12 and under wear a helmet when they go tobogganing. He claims figures show that tobogganing accidents cause more than twice as many head injuries as downhill skiing. (Sure, try to tell that to Sonny Bono.)
BS TERMS FOR 2000:
• ‘Electronic Books’ . . . Microsoft and book retailer Barnes & Noble have just launched a partnership to market them. (In true Microsoft fashion, you’ll frequently have to close the book and start over from the beginning again for no apparent reason.)
• ‘The Lateral’ . . . Destined to become a sports moniker after the Tennessee Titans beat the Buffalo Bills in Saturday’s wild card game with a razzle dazzle kickoff-return lateral that resulted in a touchdown in the final seconds. (It will join ‘The Immaculate Reception’ and ‘The Drive’ in the anals of NFL folklore.)
• ‘Weather Futures’ . . . The Chicago Mercantile Exchange has started trading them as a financial instrument based on the average daily temperatures in major cities. (Analysts say that if they’re wrong as often as the local TV weather guy, investors will go broke within weeks.)
THE BULL SHEET 01.10.00
TODAY’S CELEB BIRTHDAYS . . .
1935 [65] Ronnie Hawkins, Huntsville AR, Canadian rock icon who assembled The Band
1938 [62] Frank Mahovlich (“The Big M”), Timmins ON, Canadian senator/Hall of Fame NHL player
1945 [55] Rod Stewart, Glasgow SCOT, rock singer (Maggie May, Do You Think I’m Sexy) NOTE: His new post-Rachel Hunter galpal is British singer Caprice
1948 [52] Donald Fagen, Passaic NJ, classic rock singer (Steely Dan-Reeling in the Years) NOTE: The first new Steely Dan studio album in 20 years is coming February 29
1953 [47] Pat Benatar (Andrzejewski), Brooklyn NY, classic rock singer (Hit Me with Your Best Shot)
1958 [42] Shawn Colvin, Vermillion SD, pop singer (Sunny Came Home)/former London ON resident
1964 [36] Brad Roberts, Winnipeg MB, rock singer (Crash Test Dummies-Ghosts That Haunt Me)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
It’s “National Clean Off Your Desk Day”. (Alright, but then I won’t know where anything is!)
Today is “Egg Balancing Day”, when you can take your average egg, place it on it’s fat end and it stands. It takes a little practice, but once standing your egg will stay erect all day long.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1996 Bakery in Melfort SASK achieves record 49 eggs standing for BS’ annual Egg Balancing Day
1999 “A Civil Action” starring John Travolta is the favorite movie
1999 Critically acclaimed TV drama series “The Sopranos” premieres on HBO
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1946 [54] 1st United Nations General Assembly includes delegates from 51 nations (London ENG)
1984 [16] Wendy’s spokesperson Clara Peller 1st utters immortal words, “Where’s The Beef?”
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] Sir John A Macdonald’s Birthday
International Printing Week
National High Tech Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
WHO WANTS TO BE ON-THE-AIR? (The radio rip-off of TV’s #1 game show.)
• Which Canadian weather record does Yellowgrass SK hold?
a) most snowfall b) coldest recorded temperature c) hottest recorded temperature
c) Hottest temp — 45C (113F) recorded in 1937, according to Environment Canada.
• In what country would you find the most cars driving on the left-hand side of the road?
a) Britain b) China c) Japan
c) Japan, with close to 70 million vehicles. Britain is 2nd, followed by Australia. There are 42 countries worldwide who drive on the ‘wrong’ side of the road.
• Where do most teenage girls find out about safe sex?
a) Parents b) Television c) Friends
b) A new “YM Magazine” poll on teen sexuality finds 76% of the teenage girls questioned learned their safe sex information from TV.
• 137 years agoi today (1863), the world’s first subway opened. Where was it?
a) London b) New York c) Paris
a) It was the ‘Metropolitan’ in London.
THE LAST WORD:
A fool and his money are soon elected.
