Thursday, January 6, 2000 Edition: #1715
BS SIGNS YOU’VE BEEN WATCHING WAY TOO MUCH FOOTBALL:
• Before sex, you flip a coin to see who will receive.
• Every time you get up from the couch, you pull a groin muscle.
• You actually watched the “2000 Flushes Bowl”.
• You’ve collected pictures of all your favorite NFL players — from their ‘wanted’ posters.
• As you are hurled from your car after a high-speed collision your first thought is, “Oh boy, I’m in a nice tight spiral!”
• The kids clean up their room and you dump Gatorade on ’em.
• For the last 2 months, you’ve been wearing nothing but a cup.
• You fell in love with your wife because she looks like John Madden.
• After sex you go for the 2-point conversion, then spike the pillow.
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Could it be love? Actress Renee Zellweger has had Jim Carrey’s name tattooed on the small of her back — but it’s only a temporary tattoo and will wash off in a few weeks . . . No, Ted Turner and Jane Fonda aren’t splitting up, they’re just “calling a time out” on their 8-year marriage (while she spends time with her calculator) . . . London’s “Daily Mirror” reports “Scary Spice” Mel G is offering temporary husband Jimmy Gulzar £1 million as a divorce settlement (for sperm rental). . . Deja vu all over again? Sean “Puffy” Combs is saying he’s “100% innocent” of the illegal gun possession charges against him (hey, it worked for OJ) . . . Roberto Benigni will be jumping up and down again — “Life Is Beautiful” is now the most successful Italian film ever, grossing $45 million worldwide (hey, what about “The Godfather”?).
MOVIES IN THE WORKS:
A group of male extras was forced to sit on the set all day acting as the ogling audience while Daryl Hannah performed on stage in her role as a stripper in the upcoming movie “Dancing at the Blue Iguana” (tough job, but 20 guys had to do it!) . . . Jodie Foster’s people confirm that she’s OUT of “Hannibal”, the “Silence Of The Lambs” sequel, but Anthony Hopkins is said to be IN — provided the money’s good (Chianti can be soooo expensive) . . . Britney Spears will play an airline attendant in her first movie, “Jack of All Trades”, in a cast that includes ‘N Sync, Kool & the Gang, and KC (as in KC & the Sunshine Band) . . . Word is John Travolta has gotten so fat on the set of his new movie “Numbers” that wardrobe has had to let out all of his clothes (estimates say he’s gained 100 lbs since “Saturday Night Fever”).
WACKY NEW GADGETS:
• Researchers at Iowa State University have invented an edible soybean-based plastic which can be molded into dishes and eating utensils. (Soon the after-dinner ritual will be, “Who’s turn is it to eat the dishes?”)
• California-based DigiScents is developing a $200 palm-sized computer peripheral that emits scents to match online screen images. (Now you’ll be able to SMELL Pam Anderson.)
• Japanese electronics giant Matsushita has a new high-tech toilet with sensors that monitor body temperature, weight and blood pressure. (So we can finally answer the age-old question “Who died in here?”)
THE BULL SHEET 01.06.00
TODAY’S CELEB BIRTHDAYS . . .
1955  Rowan Atkinson, Newcastle-upon-Tyne ENG, TV fool (Mr Bean, Black Adder)/comic film actor (Bean, Four Weddings & a Funeral)
1960  Howie Long, Somerville MA, FOX-TV NFL analyst/movie actor (Firestorm, Broken Arrow)/former NFL DE (Raiders)
1968  John Singleton, LA CA, director/screenwriter (Rosewood, Poetic Justice, Boyz N the Hood)/will direct “Shaft Returns” this year
1970  Keenan McCardell, Houston TX, NFL WR (Jacksonville Jaguars)
1971  Joey Lauren Adams, Little Rock AR, movie actress (Big Daddy)/earned a place in TV history as the woman who took ‘Bud Bundy’s’ virginity in FOX’s “Married with Children”
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
Today is “Bean Day”, the biggest sales day of the year for gas mask companies.
Today is the “Twelfth Day of Christmas” or “Epiphany”. According to the traditional carol, your true love should give to you ’12 drummers drumming’. Epiphany is also known as “Three Kings Day”, traditionally the day the 3 wise guys showed up with gold, frankincense and myrrh.
“Carnival Season” kicks off today in many countries and lasts through “Shrove Tuesday”, March 7th.
Today is “National Smith Day”, celebrating the most-common surname in the English-speaking world.
ON THIS DAY IN THE ’90S . . .
1997 “Politically Incorrect With Bill Maher” debuts on ABC-TV late night
1998 Copenhagen’s famous “Little Mermaid” is decapitated by vandals (the bronze statue of a mermaid gazing wistfully out to sea has also had an arm sawed off and her neck slashed)
1999 Sarah McLachlan’s “Surfacing” album certified for sales of 5 million units
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1681  1st recorded boxing match (Duke of Albemarle’s butler vs his butcher)
1964  1st tour headlined by the Rolling Stones
1975  1st edition of TV game show “Wheel Of Fortune” (Chuck Woolery [now on “Greed”] hosts, while Susan Stafford turns letters)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Sat] Man Watcher’s Day
[Mon] Egg Balancing Day
Diet Resolution Week
Bald Eagle Watch Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
WEB ADDICT’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS:
• I will try to figure out why I need 9 e-mail addresses.
• I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
• I will answer my snail-mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
• I will think of a password other than ‘password’.
• I will stop checking my e-mail at 3am. 4:30 is much more practical.
THE LAST WORD:
Talk is cheap, unless you hire a lawyer.