Monday, July 3, 2006        Edition: #3318

WEEKEND TABLOID BS:
• TOMORROW’s “Macy’s 4th of July Fireworks Spectacular” live from NYC (NBC) will include Bo Bice singing the national anthem and Nick Lachey singing “What’s Left of Me” … in a pre-taped ‘special performance’. (For more information, Google ‘cheesy’.)
– “People”
• Speaking of Lachey, his rep confirms his divorce from Jessica Simpson is now official. Under the agreement dated JUNE 30, her name is restored to Jessica Simpson from Jessica Simpson Lachey. What hasn’t been settled are finances, a task yet to be negotiated by a retired Superior Court judge. Word has it she has offered him a tidy $1.5 million to walk away, even though he’s entitled to half the fortune they amassed during their marriage under California law. (Not like he needs it with his singing career … on second thought …)
– Glam Network
• 53-year-old “America’s Got Talent” judge David Hasselhoff is said to have fully recuperated from surgery after severing a tendon in his arm … while shaving. The accident is said to have occurred at the Sanderson Hotel in London, after which he spent a night at St Thomas’ Hospital. (What the heck was he shaving with … hedge clippers?)
– Ananova News
• Jennifer Lopez and her former husband of 1 year, Ojani Noa, have reached at least a temporary agreement banning him from publishing a book about their marriage. He’s now barred from ‘criticizing or denigrating’ her in any way until a permanent settlement is reached. Court docs reveal she previously paid him$125,000 not to air their dirty laundry. (Likely far more than he’d make from some lame book.)
– TMZ.com
• Movie actors Jessica Biel & Chris Evans have called it quits after dating for more than 2 years. They got together after she played his on-screen girlfriend in 2 films, “Cellular” and “London”. She’s currently filming the appropriately titled “Next” with Nicolas Cage, while he’s shooting “The Nanny Diaries” with Scarlett Johansson. (Ah, no wonder he’s moving on!)
– “OK! Magazine”
• Britney Spears is reportedly spending $200,000 upgrading her mother Lynne’s Kentwood LA house … so she can move in. And reports say she’s also looking to buy a 2nd home in the area for her loser … er, hubby Kevin Federline to stay in when his mother-in-law gets on his nerves. If all goes according to plan, expect her to make the move before her 2nd baby arrives in SEPTEMBER. (Moving back in with mom … not usually the sign of a healthy marriage, is it?)
– “In Touch Weekly”
• Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie are already making plans to adopt another child to add to their brood (adopted kids Maddox & Zahara, biological new daughter Shiloh Nouvel). Now they’re reportedly looking for an older male child, to support the idea that people shouldn’t just adopt tiny babies. (If this family gets any bigger, somebody’s gonna have to start working.)
– “Us Weekly”
• Actor Nicolas Cage is donating $2 million to Amnesty International to help aid former child soldiers. The endowment will establish a fund for rehab shelters, plus medical & psychological services. It’s estimated that 300,000 children under age 18 are currently participating in armed conflicts in over 30 countries … some as young as 7. (Wow, a Hollywood star actually doing something worthwhile … and it’s not Angelina Jolie for a change.)
– “Daily Express”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Black Eyed Peas – They play Snickers factory workers by day and defenders of old-school hip-hop by night at a new website dubbed “Instant Def” that features exclusive comic-book-style film shorts. Why a Snickers factory? It’s the website’s sponsor.
NET: http://www.instantdef.com/
• Jessica Simpson – She claims her new album is influenced by her love of Bjork. Next she’ll be wearing a swan outfit!
• Johnny Cash – TOMORROW “American V: A Hundred Highways” is released, the latest in the American Recordings collections, which includes “Like the 309″, the last song he wrote before his death.
• Lil’ Kim – TODAY she’ll get early release from prison for good behavior. She was locked up for a year and a day last SEPTEMBER for lying about a shootout outside a hip-hop radio station.
• Ludacris – TONIGHT the rapper/actor appears on “Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson” (CBS).
• Rob Zombie – TONIGHT the rocker/horror movie director guests on “Late Show With David Letterman” (CBS).
• She Wants Revenge – TONIGHT the LA indie rockers play the “Tonight Show With Jay Leno” (NBC).
• Tim McGraw – He was forced to postpone weekend concerts in Cleveland OH and Charleston WV due to bronchitis. Both will be rescheduled. His “Soul2Soul II” tour with wife Faith Hill is set to resume WEDNESDAY in New Orleans with a charity concert to assist hurricane relief efforts.
• Willie Nelson – TOMORROW his annual “4th of July Picnic” at the Stockyards in Fort Worth TX features performances by 20-plus acts, including Kris Kristofferson, Shooter Jennings, Johnny Bush, and David Allan Coe.

THE WORKOUT MASTER:
There’s a new fitness class being offered in NYC called ‘Slavercise’. Students clad in rubber suits, masks, dog collars, and other S-and-M paraphernalia are whipped into shape – literally – by the domineering ‘Mistress Victoria’. She warns that if you don’t keep up, you’ll get punished. And there’s no whimpering! After all, you’re there to suffer. (This is a case of ‘no pain, no loss’.)
– Reuters

TOT TV IS OUT:
Here’s something you probably didn’t know, moms and dads of preschoolers: The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children under the age of 2 watch no TV. Not even the stuff that has been developed specifically for them. That means no “Baby Bach”. No “Smart Baby”. No “Baby Genius”. A recent report concludes there’s not only no evidence that these products make babies smarter, there’s reason to believe they might be harmful to a baby’s growing brain. (Guess “Teletubbies” is out then, too? La la la.)
– “Fort Worth Star-Telegram”

LIVE IT UP WHILE YOU CAN:
A report from a consortium of Ivy League professors suggests that when we look back on our decisions we are most likely to regret missing out on juicy moments due to virtuous behavior. The think-tank contends most of us ‘over-control’ our lives and don’t allow ourselves to let go and indulge in things like sleeping in, enjoying a rich dessert, phoning in sick for any old reason, or splurging on whatever useless consumer item catches our eye. A spokesman for the group, Dr Ran Kivetz of Columbia Business School contends that guilt dissipates quickly as time passes and what we’re left with is the feeling we missed out on life. (Sounds like a bunch of profs making excuses for that fling with a young student.)
– “NY Daily News”

YOU CAN IN FACT BE A ‘FATHEAD’:
Being overweight is not only bad for men’s hearts it also makes them less intelligent, according a study published in the “International Journal of Obesity”. The first study of the mental abilities of obese people reveals that being seriously overweight reduces intelligence in males, possibly through its effect on blood circulation around the brain. (Maybe this explains why Martin Lawrence thought “Big Momma’s House 2“ would be a good idea?)
– “Social Studies”

DRINKING GERMANY DRY:
German breweries have issued warnings that beer could run out before the “World Cup” final on JULY 9th because of the huge amounts being consumed by fans visiting the country. In Nuremberg for instance, organizers say that the 70,000 England fans who flooded the city for the quarter final vs Portugal drank some 150,000 gallons of beer – an average of 17 pints apiece. (Imagine if England had won!)
– “The Guardian”

THE MOLECULE OF YOUTH?
A team of scientists in South Korea claims to have created a synthetic molecule which will help stop the aging process in humans and perhaps even reverse it. Chief researcher Kim Tae-Kook of the Korea Advanced Institute of Science & Technology claims the molecule named ‘CGK733′ can keep cells youthful far beyond their normal life-span and can even rejuvenate older cells which have already slowed down and stopped dividing. If testing is successful, the product could be available to the public within 10 years. (Shortly after you’ve been cremated.)
– “Korea Times”

THE NEW ALLOWANCE:
About 300 families are testing out a new product called the ‘Allow Card’, an alternative to the teenage allowance. The special debit card has V-chip-like controls that lets parents set daily, weekly or monthly spending limits, review statements and even select where it can be used. For example, parents can make sure their kids’ debit cards work at gas stations but not at liquor stores. (Something the average 15-year-old will be able to hack into and change in about 5 minutes.)
– “Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel”

PURE GENIUS:
Danish inventor Torben Vestergaard Frandsen hopes to help aid the world’s potable water shortage with a new drinking straw which purifies water as it’s used. His so-called ‘LifeStraw’ is a flute-sized device which has several built-in filters to remove bacteria and parasites as water is sucked through it. Frandsen hopes his invention will help solve the problem of water-borne diseases which kill about 6,000 people each day in developing countries. (The size of a flute! Wouldn’t you black out from using the thing?)
– BBC World News

SHE SAID IT:
“I’m still very childish and I always will be. But I am 10,000 times smarter than before [drug abuse].”
– 32-year-old model Kate Moss finally saying something that’s bang-on true … at least the first part.

THE BULL SHEET 07.03.2K6

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [59] Dave Barry, Armonk NY, Pulitzer Prize-winning syndicated humor columnist (“Miami Herald”)/author (“Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys”)

1956 [50] Montel Williams, Baltimore MD, TV gabfest host (“The Montel Williams Show” since 1991) who refuses to quit working even though he suffers from MS

1958 [48] Aaron Tippin, Pensacola FL, country singer (“There Ain’t Nothin’ Wrong With the Radio”)

1962 [44] Tom Cruise (Thomas Mapother IV ), Syracuse NY, movie star (“Mission Impossible 1-3”)/ex-Mr Nicole Kidman/Katie Holmes’ minder

1969 [37] Kevin Hearn, Grimsby, Canada, pop musician (Barenaked Ladies-“One Week”)

TODAY’S BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
• “Caricom Day”, aka “Caribbean Day”, the annual national celebration in many countries of the Caribbean.

• “Compliment Your Mirror Day”. Participation consists of complimenting your mirror on having such a wonderful owner and keeping track of whether other mirrors you meet during the day smile at you. (This is much more fun if you have a prescription for medicinal marijuana.)

• “Dog Days of Summer”  through August 15th, traditionally the hottest time of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. The name comes from the ancients, who would sacrifice a brown dog at this time to appease Sirius, the Dog Star, believing that star was the cause of the hot, sultry weather. “Air Conditioning Appreciation Days” run simultaneously to celebrate the contribution of AC to a better way of life (and a really high electricity bill). TODAY is also “Stay Out of the Sun Day” (unless you’re working on a melanoma collection).

TUESDAY –
• “Independence Day” in the USA. Among the more unusual “4th of July” festivals – the “International Cherry Pit Spitting Contest” in Eau Claire MI, the “World’s Greatest Lizard Race” in Lovington NM, and the annual “Sidewalk Egg-Frying Challenge” in Oatman AZ. It’s also the excuse for “Barbecue Day” and the vegan observance “Independence from Meat Day”.

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1806 [200] 1st ‘Cultivated Strawberries’ (before that, they were only found in the wild)

1884 [122] 1st ‘Dow Jones’ average published (was it ‘1′?)

1928 [78] 1st ‘Television’ goes on sale (not many takers at a then-sky high price of $75)

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1988 [18] Rocky Kenover sets world record by skydiving 403 times within 24 hours, averaging  1 jump every 3 minutes using 7 airplanes, 10 pilots and 50 parachute packers

AND REMEMBER . . .
[Wed] Workaholics Day
[Thus] Fried Chicken Day
[Thurs-July 14] Running of the Bulls (Pamplona, Spain)
[Fri] “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” opens in movie theaters
[Fri] Intern Appreciation Day
[Sat] Video Games Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Be Kind To New Jersey Week / Freedom Week / Music For Life Week / Canned Luncheon Meat Week / Character Counts Week / Nude Recreation Week / Pleasure Week / Education Association Week / Unassisted Home Birth Week / Freedom from Fear of Speaking Week / Barbershop Quartet Week / Special Recreation Week

BULL’S BITS

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If you don’t pay your exorcist, will you be repossessed?
• What’s the plural of Lexus?
• How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
• What do chickens think we taste like?
• At exactly what point does something go from being an ‘old piece of junk’ to being a ‘valuable antique’?
• Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?
• If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: The average adult does THIS 1.8 times every week.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Looks something up in the Yellow Pages.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

Have a happy 4th, all!