Monday, July 26, 2004        Edition: #2830
Wow, You Really Know Your Sheet!

TACKY TABLOID BS:
• Nicole Kidman has turned down an offer to be Michael Jackson’s date at the upcoming “MTV Video Music Awards” (AUGUST 29th in Miami). “Daily Dish” reports she politely declined because she’s never even met him and thought the proposition was a little strange. (Jackson’s red-faced and confused reps are now denying Kidman is the surrogate mother of quads.)
• “Star” magazine has the latest rumor on Ben Affleck’s love life. It seems he’s been visiting actress Jennifer Garner in Vancouver, where she’s shooting the “Daredevil” spin-off “Elektra”. Garner is said to have recently split from her “Alias” co-star Michael Vartan. (Oh please, not another Ben n’ Jen!)
• Spurred on by Marlon Brando’s recent demise, 72-year-old actress Elizabeth Taylor has begun writing her own obituary. “Popbitch” reports that so far it’s 10 pages long … and far from being finished. (She’s only up to “Lassie Come Home”.)
• “E! Online” reports that 38-year-old author JK Rowling is pregnant with her 3rd child but it won’t prevent her from also delivering the next book in the series, “Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince”. (Unlike the baby, no ‘release date’ has been set.)
• “Hollywood Reporter” informs us that after a lengthy search, stage actress Andrea Anders has landed the coveted role of Matt LeBlanc’s uptight lawyer-neighbor on the NBC-TV “Friends” spinoff “Joey”. Anders has appeared on Broadway in “Proof” and “The Graduate”, and in the recent movie remake of “The Stepford Wives.” (So now she’s apparently slumming.)
• And Britney Spears has seemingly caved in to pressure from her family. “Star” magazine quotes an informed source as saying she and fiancé Kevin Federline will DEFINITELY sign a pre-nuptial agreement before their NOVEMBER 20th wedding. (Even if he only gets, say 5 mill in a settlement, that’s a massive increase over what he now has … zip!)

THE WEEK’S WILDEST TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Devil’s Triangle Spits out Jimmy Hoffa!”
• “North Korea Nukes Itself in Wrong-Way Rocket Fiasco!”
• “French Sewers Clogged With Underarm Hair!”
• “Lost Race of Super-Geniuses Discovered in the Ozarks!”
• “Man Turns Himself into Homer Simpson!”
• “Do-It-Yourself Liposuction!”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• Evanescence – Amy Lee was recently flustered during a phone interview with a reporter when her bandmates and Seether frontman-boyfriend Shaun Morgan stormed in and dropped their pants in front of her. It’s a gang moon!
• Alan Jackson – He’ll release his new studio album “What I Do” on SEPTEMBER 7th.
• Jet – TONIGHT they guest on CBS-TV’s “Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn”.
• Erykah Badu – She’s given birth to her second child (with an unnamed father), a daughter that she’s named ‘Puma’. Her 6-year-old son, ‘Seven’, was fathered by Outkast’s Andre 3000.
• Dixie Chicks – Natalie Maines has a new baby boy with husband Adrian Pasdar, christened Beckett Finn Pasdar.

CAN YOU READ THE BIG ‘E’, DOC?
Dr Graham Fetherston treated more than 1,000 intensive care patients at Frankston Hospital in Sydney, Australia before he was recently sacked. He worked his way up from part-time physician to Deputy Director in just 4.5 years, performing delicate procedures like slitting throats to insert breathing tubes and medicating critically ill patients. All of that before anyone figured out – he’s legally too blind to read or drive … let alone cut open humans!
– “Herald Sun”

ANOTHER JERK-OFF REALITY SHOW:
The UK production company that invented “Big Brother” is now developing a reality show tentatively called “Make Me a Mum” in which men would compete for a chance to – father a child. Contestants would attempt to convince a woman to pick them as the father of her first child by impressing her with their intelligence, se*x appeal and fitness. Finalists would then take part in a ‘sperm race’ in which the artificial insemination process would be filmed using new technology.
– “Telegraph”

SELF-CLEANING CLOTHES:
Researchers at Hong Kong Polytechnic University have come up with what could be the next big thing in fashion – self-cleaning clothes. In experiments, cotton was coated with an ultrathin layer of titanium dioxide, which has a photo-catalytic effect on the fabric when it is put under ultraviolet rays like sunshine. So long as the fabric is exposed to light, it will continue to break down carbon-based materials on the coating’s surface. Thus dirt disappears without being washed. Unfortunately, blue dye also disappears, so there’s still some fine-tuning to do. Next on the agenda – testing whether the system works on body odor and red-wine stains.
– “Social Studies”

NO HUMOR ALLOWED:
Canada’s 292-store Pet Valu chain has agreed to stop selling ‘Bark Bars’, dog biscuits shaped like letter carriers after complaints from Canada Post. There were already 160 dog attacks on mail carriers across Canada in the first 6 months of this year according to Canada Post media relations manager John Caines who says, “This is not in any way, shape, or form funny for us, not even in the least.” ‘Bark Bars’ also come in the shape of cats … at least until some militant, stiff and humorless cat lovers’ organization complains.
– Reuters

LAND O’ FLIES:
How bad are the mayflies in Minnesota THIS SUMMER? So bad, snowplows were called out to clear bug carcasses! That was after a motorcyclist skidded out of control on a highway because the bugs were piled up to 4-inches deep on the road. A sheriff in the area says the mayflies haven’t been this bad since the mid-’70s. But the bugs could also mean good news – environmentalists say mayflies are a sign of clean water. (Mayflies obviously can’t read calendars.)
– AP

ONE THING AT A TIME:
University of Michigan researchers say that ‘multi-tasking’, which many have touted as the key to success, is instead a formula for shoddy work, mismanaged time, stress and forgetfulness. Psychologist David Meyer says that for all but the most routine tasks, it takes more time for the brain to switch among tasks than to complete one and then turn to the next. He warns that prolonged multi-tasking can lead to a shorter attention span, poorer judgment and impaired memory.
– “Los Angeles Times”

THE FRIVOLOUS ARE FRITTERING:
A new UK study shows that office workers are spending almost half their day surfing the Net and sending personal e-mail. Employees now spend an average of 3 hours a day online, up from 2 hours in 2003. A whopping 97% of polled workers say they access the ‘Net at work for personal use. Meantime, just 10% of companies say they monitor employees’ Internet use. The study concludes that productivity is decreasing and employers are largely unaware of how significant the problem is becoming.
– “The Register”

DUTCH SKYSCRAPERS:
What nation has the tallest people on the planet? The Netherlands … and Dutch people are still growing! The average Dutch male now stands about 6 ft-1, almost 6 inches taller than 40 years ago and close to 4 inches taller than today’s average North American or Brit. Researchers say it’s due to affluence, a diet rich in dairy products, plus good hygiene & health care. But here’s the downside: According to data collected by market research firm GfK over the past 7 years, the Dutch are also getting fatter – nearly half the population is now overweight. (Soon their only job prospects will be in the WWE.)
– Reuters

THE BULL SHEET 07.26.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [61] Sir Mick (Michael Philip) Jagger, Dartford UK, Rolling Stones wrinkle rocker/ex-Mr Jerry Hall/Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (1989)

1959 [45] Kevin Spacey (Fowler), South Orange NJ, movie actor (Oscars-“American Beauty”, “The Usual Suspects”)  UP NEXT: The Bobby Darin bio-pic “Beyond the Sea”, opening this NOVEMBER.

1964 [40] Sandra Bullock, Arlington VA, movie actress (“Miss Congeniality”, “Speed”)  COMING UP: The sequel “Miss Congeniality 2″, due MARCH 2005.

1973 [31] Kate Beckinsale, London UK, movie actress (“Van Helsing”, “Pearl Harbor”)  NEXT FILM: Plays actress Ava Gardner in the Howard Hughes bio-pic “The Aviator”, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, opening DECEMBER 17th.

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY-Thursday is the “Democratic National Convention” in Boston MA (the anointing of John Kerry). Besides a whole wack of air-bag politicians, there are rumors that Ben Affleck may address the proceedings. Word has it the local boy may make his appearance TUESDAY night.
NET: http://www.dems2004.org

TODAY is “Aunt & Uncle Day”, honoring the special contributions they make to our lives (or maybe Hallmark has just run out of ideas).

TODAY is “All or Nothing Day”. This is it, folks – balls to the wall, give ‘er all you’ve got, the time has arrived, take no prisoners, it’s now or never, bring your ‘A’ game and give 110% … and any other hackneyed self-help cliche you can think of.

TODAY is the “Day of St Anne”, honoring the patron saint of homemakers and miners. She’s also the patron saint of Canada, so if you combine all those I guess you should celebrate by cleaning the maple syrup out of your nose.
(No wonder your wife feels like she’s getting the shaft!)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENTS . . .
1999 [05] Shania Twain album “Come On Over” certified for sales of 12 million units

2000 [04] Court orders the largest Internet file-sharing service, Napster, to stop allowing millions of users to swap copyrighted music

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1775 [229] USA’s 1st ‘Postmaster General’ (Benjamin Franklin)

1958 [46] 1st ‘Hula Hoop’ (it was actually banned in Tokyo for a time due to the large number of traffic accidents it caused!)

1982 [22] 1st Canadian “Miss Universe” (Karen Baldwin-London ON)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1955  [49] Ted Allen throws a record 72 consecutive horseshoe ringers

1966 [38] Charles Christensen stays on-the-air for a then-record 277 consecutive hours at KMEN radio in Riverside CA

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Take Your Houseplants For a Walk Day
[Tues-Sun] Regina Exhibition
[Wed] Accountants Day
[Thurs] National Lasagna Day
[Thurs] “Lord of the Rings” 50th Anniversary
[Fri] National Cheesecake Day
[Fri] “The Manchurian Candidate” opens in movie theaters
[Sat] Full ‘Blue’ Moon

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Animal Agriculture Week
National Salad Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
It has been announced that the final “Star Wars” prequel, “Episode III”, set for release NEXT MAY will be called – drum roll, please – “Revenge of the Sith”.  The ‘Sith’ is the evil sect that corrupts ‘Anakin’ by drawing him into the dark side of ‘The Force’.
BS REJECTED EPISODE III TITLES:
• “Star Wars III: I Was Making Movies Before Peter Jackson Quit Wetting His Bed”
• “Episode III: Dignity, Schmignity”
• “Episode III: The Passion of the Sith”
• “Episode III: The Empire Phones It In”
• “Anakin Pie III”
• “Episode III: Bring a Girlfriend This Time, Ya Pasty Little Geek!”
• “Plan 9 From Skywalker Ranch”
• “Episode III: Sith Happens”
• “Episode III:  Springtime for Vader”
• “Episode III: Steaming Crap on a Stick”
• “Star Wars: Episode – Ahh, Forget It, Just Send Your Money Directly to George Lucas”

MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If you lose your keys and they don’t come back, does it mean they were never meant to be yours in the first place?
• Why does virtually every home have a drawer full of unfamiliar business cards and pennies wedged in gum?
• Since when is the IRS a service?
• Isn’t it cruel for the word ‘lisp’ to have an ‘s’?
• What do Hawaiians have against the consonant?
• Doesn’t what’s good for you depend on who sponsors the study?
• If you eat it fast enough, can you sneak it past your brain and render it non-fattening?

BS Q&A:
Q: What does ‘Harry Potter’ author JK Rowling’s middle initial stand for?
A: Nothing. She originally picked ‘JK’ instead of using her given name Joanne to make her books appeal to young boys, who normally won’t read books by women.

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• What’s the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
• Preparation H costs like 10 bucks a tube. Talk about taking it up the –-.

BS INTERVIEW:
This land may be your land and my land, but in Bonavista NL, the mayor wants us to keep our paws off the icebergs. Mayor Betty Fitzgerald says icebergs are a valuable tourism resource but they’re being decimated by crews from the Canadian Iceberg Vodka Corp who cut chunks off to use in the manufacture of their specialty booze. She wants the provincial government to come up with ways to protect icebergs. There’s currently no law to prevent ice from being ‘harvested’. Hey lady, it’s a way of makin’ money – there’s no more cod, haven’t ya heard?
PHONER: 709.468.7355 (Mayor Betty Fitzgerald)/709.468.7747 (Town Office)

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: You have THIS in common with at least 9 million other people around-the-world.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The same birthday.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Make sure you’re not at the airport when your ship comes in.