Friday, July 23, 2004        Edition: #2829
Witty? Amusing? Provocative? Sounds Like Sheet!

BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
“CSI” actress Jorja Fox (‘Sara Sidle’) will report back to work as her reported salary demands were just a ‘misunderstanding’ with CBS-TV, but nothing’s yet confirmed for fellow hold-out George Eads, who’s apologized profusely and blamed his no-show on ‘oversleeping’ (nothing’s more humiliating than kissing the hand that feeds you) . . . One of the investors buying the bankrupt Aladdin Hotel in Las Vegas has offered to take up “Fahrenheit 9/11″ director Michael Moore’s offer to perform “America the Beautiful” with famously fired singer Linda Ronstadt in support of free speech (which of these two do you think has turned into the fatter, more slovenly slob?) . . . A new syndicated week-in-review current affairs TV show tentatively titled “Fairly Unbalanced” will be co-hosted by the odd duo of Tom Green & Jerry Springer (no need to dust off any Emmys) . . . Sounds like serial bride Lisa Marie Presley is ready to strike again, telling “Vogue” magazine she’s just bonkers over one Michael Lockwood, a musician who joined her tour in 2003 (for access to the Presley Enterprises fortune, he’s willing to fake it) . . . Actress Heather Graham (“Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me”) has signed up for an 8-episode role on NBC-TV’s “Scrubs” (no doubt wearing a really tight nurses’ uniform).

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• N*SYNC – SUNDAY they’ll sing at the Challenge for the Children Foundation benefit in Miami, their first performance together since the 2003 Grammy Awards. Word is an after-show meeting will decide when (and maybe if) they’re going to start writing material for a new album.
• Justin Timberlake – His people say he’ll sue “News of the World” if the tabloid doesn’t retract a story in which a woman claims to have recently had an affair with him.
• Britney Spears – Word is she’s signed a deal to put together her own workout video with her personal trainer Bobby Strom, hard to believe of you’ve seen the latest (porky) pics of her.
• Jimmy Buffett – “Licence to Chill” is his first #1 album in his 30-year career.
• Toby Lightman – The first solo performance for the 25-year-old “Real Love” singer was a gospel-ized rendition of “Bridge Over Troubled Water” at her high school graduation. Must have been good … people in the audience cried!
• Kelly Clarkson – The song “Breakaway” was recorded for the soundtrack of “The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement”. The movie opens AUGUST 11th.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
• “The Bourne Supremacy” (PG-13 Thriller): Matt Damon returns as the spy whose bouts of amnesia make him prey to all his former enemies. When he’s framed for a botched CIA operation he’s forced to take up his former life as a trained assassin to survive. German actress Franka Potente also returns as the love interest. The highlight of the film is said to be an action-packed car chase through Moscow. Based on the Robert Ludlum novel.
• “Catwoman” (PG-13 Action Fantasy): Halle Berry stars as ‘Patience Phillips’, graphic artist by day, leather-clad crime-fighter by night. Halle says slinking into the skintight catsuit was the highlight of making the film, but a lot of leering male movie-goers will be stunned to find out that her stunt double is – a man. Hawaiian martial arts expert Nito Larioza got the gig because he’s the same height & skin-tone as Halle; he also had to don red lipstick for the role. The scenes reportedly go by so fast you can’t tell. Benjamin Bratt & Sharon Stone co-star. Much of the film was shot in Vancouver, some in Winnipeg.
• “A Home at the End of the World” (Limited Release R-rated Drama): Beginning in suburban Cleveland in the ’60s and continuing to NYC in the ’80s, the story follows two best friends (Colin Farrell & Dallas Roberts) who form an unusual love triangle with a roommate (Robin Wright Penn). This is the film from which a nude scene of Farrell was cut because it was reportedly ‘too distracting for test audiences’. (But really good for publicity.)

BULL’S INTERNATIONAL MOOS:
• A man in Nanjing, China has convinced a plastic surgeon to give him ears like – ‘Mister Spock’ from “Star Trek”. The sci-fi fan says he was bored with their natural shape. (Now he hopes to live long and prosper.)
• The head of a German bank has released some unusual advice to customers – stop worrying so much about the acquisition of money, get more sleep and begin having more se*x. James Montier says people need to be reminded that there’s more to life than ‘watching screens’. (Well yeah, there’s like cellphones, idiot!)
• Danish inventor Gunni Jensen has come up with the ‘Glideshoe‘, a safety-shoe for escaping high-rise buildings. In the event of emergency, you strap on the shoe, attach it to an outside railing, then quickly slide down as a guide wire unreels. (And smash your head into the sidewalk.)

FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
• 72% of us know little or nothing about our neighbors although we see them almost every day.
• 61% of us would take longer vacations if we could take our pets with us.
• 40% of us have experimented with some form of ‘alternative medicine’.
• 36% of kids will ask “Are we there yet?” 2 to 5 times during their summer vacation.
• 33% of married people say that, if they could do their wedding all over again, they’d invite more guests.

BS AMAZING FACT:
Pirated music is now worth $4.5 billion annually, nearly 15% of all music sales.

AND WE QUOTE:
“I like old-fashioned guys with good manners. I like that they stand up when you come into the room. I like it when they pay. I’m that shallow.”
– “Catwoman” villainess Sharon Stone, revealing what we already knew.

THE BULL SHEET 07.23.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1940 [64] Don Imus, Riverside CA, syndicated radio personality/Radio Hall of Fame (1989)

1961 [43] Woody Harrelson, Midland TX, movie actor (“Anger Management”, “White Men Can’t Jump”)/former TV actor (1989 Emmy Award-“Cheers”)

1965 [39] Slash (Saul Hudson), Stoke-on-Trent UK, rock guitarist (Velvet Revolver-“Slither”, ex-Guns N’ Roses-“November Rain”)

1971 [33] Alison Krauss, Decatur IL, country singer (w/Brad Paisley-“Whiskey Lullaby”) with 18 Grammy Awards, more than any other female artist

1980 [24] Michelle Williams, Rockford IL, pop singer (Destiny’s Child-“Independent Women Part 1″, “Survivor”)

1989 [15] Daniel Radcliffe, Fulham UK, movie actor (‘Harry’ in the “Harry Potter” movies)

SATURDAY’S BIRTHDAYS . . .
1914 [90] Ed Mirvish, Colonial Beach VA, legendary Toronto retailer (Honest Ed’s)/theatrical producer (“Mama Mia”, “The Lion King”)  FACTOID: He’ll celebrate his 90th at his annual bash in ‘Mirvish Village’ SUNDAY.

1964 [40] Barry Bonds, Riverside CA, MLB slugger (San Francisco Giants) who set the season home run record of 73 (2001)/only major leaguer to reach combo of 400 home runs and 400 steals

1970 [34] Jennifer Lopez, Bronx NY, pop singer (“If You Had My Love”)/movie actress (“Out of Sight”)/married husband #3, Marc Anthony, June 5th  UP NEXT: She’ll attempt to overcome box office bombs “Jersey Girl” and “Gigli” with “Shall We Dance?”, opening OCTOBER 15th.

1982 [22] Anna Paquin, Winnipeg MB [raised New Zealand], movie actress (‘Rogue’-“X-Men 1 & 2″, 1994 Academy Award-“The Piano”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Zodiac] ‘Leo the Lion’ begins

TODAY the exhibition “The Queen’s Working Wardrobe: Memories of Royal Occasions 1945-1972″ opens at Kensington Palace in London, featuring 12 outfits worn by her royal high-ny while on-the-job. The oldest on display is her WW2 uniform that she wore in 1945 when she joined the Auxiliary Territorial Service (ATS). There’s also an off-the-shoulder black velvet evening gown she wore when meeting actresses Marilyn Monroe & Brigitte Bardot in 1956. The exhibition runs for a year.
NET: http://www.hrp.org.uk/webcode/content.asp?ID=939

TODAY is “Hot Enough For Ya? Day”, when it should be legal to assault anyone who asks you the overused, plain-as-the-end-of-your-sweat-dripping-nose question. A year ago in Phoenix AZ it was sooo hot a woman who fainted face-down on the pavement was rushed to hospital and treated for – burns. Now THAT’S hot!

TOMORROW is “Cousins Day”, to honor all cousins who are living and pay homage to those who aren’t. (Or, as it’s known in [co-host’s] family, ‘Spouses Day’.)

TOMORROW is “Virtual Love Day”, a day for those who have experienced the ‘excitement, joy, and sorrow’ of Internet relationships. In other words, a day for losers.

SATURDAY the 11th annual “World Toe Wrestling Championships” grapple at Ye Olde Royal Oak Inn in Wetton UK. So how the heck does one wrestle with one’s tootsies?
PHONER: 011.0207.251.5599 (Alison)
NET: http://www.benjerry.co.uk/highjinks/worldchampionships/toewrestling

THIS WEEKEND is the “2004 Nanaimo Marine Festival” in Nanaimo BC, highlighted by the 37th annual “World Championship Bathtub Race” SUNDAY, featuring high-powered racing tubs.
PHONER: 250.753.7223 (Loyal Nanaimo Bathtub Society)
NET: http://bathtub.island.net

THIS WEEKEND it’s  26th annual “Gilroy Garlic Festival” in Gilroy CA, highlighted by the ‘Garlic Queen Pageant’ (only beauty queen who really IS a virgin).
PHONER: 408.842.1625 (Festival Office)
NET: http://www.gilroygarlicfestival.com

SUNDAY is the annual “Baseball Hall of Fame Induction” in Cooperstown NY. THIS YEAR’s inductees are long-time players Paul Molitor and Dennis Eckersley, bringing the total number in the hall to 258.
NET: http://www.baseballhalloffame.org

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1999 [05] 3-day “Woodstock ‘99″ festival, marking the 30th anniversary of the original, kicks off at an old military base in Rome NY and later ends in a melee of flames and vandalism (Canadian performers include Our Lady Peace, Tragically Hip, Alanis Morissette)
(performers include Red Hot Chili Peppers, James Brown, Counting Crows, Creed, Sheryl Crow, Kid Rock, Jewel, and Dave Matthews Band)

TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
776 BC [2780] 1st ‘Olympics’ in Greece consists of a single 200-meter race – by naked runners!

1904 [100] According to some accounts the first ‘ice cream cone’ is created when Charles Menches runs out of cups at the “St Louis Exposition” and uses rolled-up waffles from another vendor

1982 [22] Introduction of ‘Diet Coke’

TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1995 [09] Spanish cyclist Miguel Indurain wins “Tour de France” a record 5th time-in-a-row (a record later tied and perhaps broken THIS WEEKEND by American Lance Armstrong)

COMING UP . . .
[Sun] Parents Day
[Mon] All or Nothing Day
[Mon] Aunt & Uncle Day
[Tues] Take Your Houseplants For a Walk Day
[Wed] Accountants Day
[Thurs] National Lasagna Day
This Week Is . . . Captive Nations Week
This Month Is . . . Herbal Prescription Awareness Month

BULL’S BITS . . .
BS REASONS DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
• Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
• Dogs miss you when you’re gone.
• Dogs do not play games with you except fetch … and they never laugh at how you throw.
• Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
• Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong.
• Dogs admit when they’re jealous.
• Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
• You can train a dog.
• Dogs are easy to buy for.
• The worst social disease you can get from dogs is rabies … but there’s a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you.
• Dogs understand what ‘no’ means.

BS ‘FINISH LINES’:
Have a studio guest or phone contestant attempt to finish the following famous movie lines …
• “I love the smell of napalm in the morning. It smells like … [victory.”]
(Robert Duvall in “Apocalypse Now”.)
• “Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world … [she walks into mine.”]
(Humphrey Bogart in “Casablanca”)
• “I’ll make him an offer he can’t … [refuse.”]
(Al Pacino in “The Godfather”)
• “It’s not the men in my life that counts, it’s the … [life in my men.]
(Mae West in “I’m No Angel”.)
• “Go ahead, make my … [day.”]
(Clint Eastwood in “Sudden Impact”.)
• “I didn’t say it would be easy, Neo. I just said it would be … [the truth.”]
(Laurence Fishburne in “The Matrix”.)

TOP SWAPS:
The week’s most requested file trades online …
1. Usher – “Burn”
2. D12 – “How Come”
3. Nina Sky – “Move Ya Body”
4. Usher – “Confessions Part 2″
5. Juvenile – “Slow Motion”
– BigChampagne.com

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Half of people surveyed say they think of a junkyard when they look at THIS.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: Their garages.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Don’t be upset about growing old. Some aren’t that lucky.