Monday, July 19, 2004        Edition: #2825
There’s a Difference Between Sheet and Crapola!

TACKY TABLOID BS:
• UK’s “Sun” tabloid reports Britney Spears will wed Kevin Federline in a $1.8-million ceremony at the Beverly Hills Hotel NOVEMBER 20th (thereby taking her vows for the 2nd time in a year). She’s reportedly set on having the entire venue covered with $180,000-worth of white tulips from Amsterdam wants 300 bottles of Cristal Champagne chilled and ready to go. And she can afford it: “NY Post” says she’s just put her 4,400 sq-ft, 4-floor NYC apartment, previously owned by Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards, up for sale – for $6 million. Meantime, Britney is threatening to sue the “Post” for running that photo of her purportedly chugging a miniature bottle of whiskey. The latest explanation is that she was actually drinking the herbal supplement ginseng – which she apparently purchased at Joe’s Liquor Store in Malibu CA.
• Looks like CBS-TV is serious about firing “CSI” stars George Eads (‘CSI Nick Stokes’) and Jorja Fox (‘CSI Sara Sidle’). “E! Online” confirms the search for replacements is underway. Their crime? Asking for a raise when they still had 2 years left on their 7-year contracts. (If you’re stupid enough to sign a contract that lasts that long, shouldn’t you honor it?)
• “Daily Mirror” reports that an unlikely pair of heroes stepped in when fists started flying at the exclusive China White nightclub in London. Lenny Kravitz & Lionel Ritchie teamed up to break up the bar brawl before bouncers could get there.
• “Daily Dish” reports that Lionel Richie’s daughter & “Simple Life” star Nicole had an embarrassing moment at Reno NV airport recently when her nipple piercing triggered the metal detectors at a security checkpoint. Nicole was allowed to board after showing female officers the offending object in private. Quote: “What am I gonna do – poke someone in the eye with it?”
• Actress Kirsten Dunst may live to regret she’s blabbed about stealing one of her “Spider-Man” costumes and selling it on the eBay for $34,000. “Daily Sport” says studios typically turn a blind eye to actors pilfering movie keepsakes – but selling them for a profit may be another matter. (She’s reportedly getting $5 million per movie these days – what’s she need a piddly 34-grand for?)
• According to “NY Post”, Jack Nicholson has already bought close pal Marlon Brando’s Beverly Hills property, making a deal with the late actor’s estate before it even went on the market. The 2 actors were neighbors who reportedly spent a lot of time together and even shared the same housekeeper. (Wow, at the same time?)
• “National Enquirer” claims Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt’s hopes of starting a family were rocked by a devastating miscarriage, but sources tell the tab the tragedy has only served to reinforce the couple’s strong bond. (Or could it be what’s made them stronger is – surviving all the tabloid trash about themselves?)

THE WEEK’S WACKEST TABLOID HEADLINES:
• “Preacher Plans to Record Rap Version of Bible!”
• “Dick Clark & Cockroaches Will Survive Nuclear Blast!”
• “Aliens Using E-Mail to Seduce Earth Women!”
• “Real-Life Spider-Man Living in Florida!”
• “Al Qaeda’s Latest Terror Threat: Suicide Camels!”
• “Mole People Found 20 Miles Underground!”
• “Company Turns Dead Bodies Into Diamonds!”

BS MUSIC NOTES:
• David Bowie – His “Reality Tour” is the highest-grossing so far in 2004, raking in $45 million despite 10 canceled dates after his heart attack.
• John Mayer – TONIGHT he does “Tonight Show With Jay Leno”.
• Avril Lavigne – The 19-year-old has reportedly just snapped up a $15-million Beverly Hills mansion, featuring 7 bedrooms, 10 baths, a movie theater and disco.
• Los Lonely Boys – “Heaven” is the biggest hit for an Anglo-Hispanic band since Los Lobos’ cover of Ritchie Valens’ classic “La Bamba” 17 years ago.
• Phil Collins – The 53-year-old geezer rocker is about to become a father for the 5th time as his 30-year-old wife Orianne Cevey is expecting their 2nd child NEXT SPRING. Collins has 3 other children from 2 previous marriages.
• U2 – A rough-cut CD of new songs from their upcoming album “Vertigo” (due NOVEMBER) has reportedly been stolen during a photo shoot in Nice, France. Sounds fishy – why would they be lugging around a copy of the recording at a photo shoot?
• Jay-Z – He’s inked a deal to set up his own label with Warner Music to be called ‘Shawn Carter’, after his birth name. It will be independent of his longtime business partner Damon Dash, whom he’s periodically had a combative relationship with since founding their Roc-A-Fella label in 1995. Starting TODAY (through July 28th) Jay-Z is auctioning off special creations from his S Carter women’s tennis shoe collection designed by celebs, including his girlfriend Beyoncé, model Tyra Banks, Queen Latifah, and Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. Bids start at $100 and all proceeds benefit the Shawn Carter Scholarship Fund.
NET: http://www.reebok.com

PERHAPS NOT A ‘GOOD THING’:
If she loses her appeal in court, Martha Stewart is expected to join 1,300 other female inmates at Danbury Federal Correctional Institute in Connecticut for 5 months. Despite the short term, it’s still a real prison and the queen of high-thread-count sheets would get military-style linens for her bunk-bed, trade in her upscale wardrobe for khaki prison coveralls, and might get stuck on kitchen detail, backbreaking work that pays just 12 cents-an-hour and requires inmates to be up before the crack of dawn. (How come when I picture her all this, I get a nice, warm feeling?)
– “USA Today”

WAYS TO LIVE LONGER:
The American Institute for Cancer Research has developed a new list of guidelines to help women lower the risk of cancer and enjoy better overall health …
• Adult weight gain should not be more than 11 lbs from age 18.
• Daily exercise is a must and one should get a vigorous workout once a week.
• Consume 5 servings of vegetables & fruits per day and at least 14 oz of whole grains, cereals, and other complex carbohydrates.
• Women should limit alcohol consumption to 1 drink per day.
• Red meat should be limited to 3 oz per day.
• Fats should not exceed 30% of total calorie intake.
• Daily salt intake should not exceed 2,400 milligrams.
• Don’t smoke.
– “Cancer Epidemiology, Biomarkers & Prevention”

NEW CHURCH SOAKS UP MEMBERS:
Fans of “SpongeBob SquarePants” have set up their own church. The cartoon about the inhabitants of ‘Bikini Bottom’ was originally designed for children under 4 but has a growing list of celebrity fans like Justin Timberlake, Mike Myers, Britney Spears & Kelly Osbourne. The officially registered ‘Church of SpongeBob’ now boasts 700 members who’ve each taken a ‘conversion sacrament’ pledging their loyalty. The church’s manifesto says it promotes ‘simple things like having fun and using your imagination’. It offers a study course based on the ‘SpongeBob Scriptures’. (A cynic might say this is all PR fluff to hype “The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie” coming NOVEMBER 19th, but that would be cruel.)
– Ananova
NET: http://www.churchofspongebob.org

CAN I GET A WITNESS?
Male celebrities are rushing to hire a ‘Se*x Witness’ for their entourages thanks to high-profile sexual misconduct cases filed against the likes of R Kelly and Kobe Bryant. Celebrities are moving toward only having one-night stands or groupie sex when there is a reliable witness in the room to verify that whatever se*xual acts occur are consensual and performed without coercion. Former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson is said to have pioneered this trend following his time in the slammer for r*ape.
– Popbitch

THE BULL SHEET 07.19.2K4

TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1947 [57] Brian May, Hampton UK, classic rock guitarist/songwriter who collects royalties each time “We Will Rock You” is played at a sports event (Queen-“Bohemian Rhapsody”)

1960 [44] Atom Egoyan, Cairo EGYPT, Toronto-based film director (“Ararat”, “The Sweet Hereafter”)  FACTOID: Wife Arsinée Khanjian appears in all his movies.  UP NEXT: “Somebody Loves You”, based on a Rupert Holmes novel, to star Kevin Bacon & Colin Firth.

1963 [41] Kelly Shriver, country singer (Thrasher Shriver-“Be Honest”)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Flitch Day”, based on a custom begun in the 15th century in which monks offered a ‘flitch’ or side of bacon as a prize to any married couple who could prove they had lived together in harmony and fidelity for the past year. Very few ‘took home the bacon’.

THIS DAY IN SHOW BIZ . . .
1961 [43] TWA (Trans World Airlines) shows the first-ever ‘in-flight movie’ (“In Love Possessed”, starring Lana Turner & Efrem Zimbalist Jr)

TODAY’S MUSIC EVENT . . .
1996 [08] Celine Dion sings “The Power of the Dream” at opening ceremonies for the Atlanta Summer Games, largest in the Olympics’ 100-year history with 197 nations participating

TODAY’S FIRST . . .
1695 [309] 1st ‘personal ad’ looking for a spouse is printed (“Single white bi Pilgrim seeks …”)

TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1985 [19] 7′-10″ George Bell of Durham NC wins title of ‘Big Foot’ with his size 28.5 shoe (and you know what they say about a guy’s shoe size)

1994 [10] ‘Largest Bubble-Gum Bubble’ measures 23 inches in diameter (Fresno CA)

COMING UP . . .
[Tues] Moon Day
[Tues] National Lollipop Day
[Wed] Junk Food Day
[Tues] Special Olympics Day
[Wed-July 26] 66th All-American Soap Box Derby World Championships (Akron OH)
[Thurs] Rat Watcher’s Day
[Thurs July 25] Manitoba Stampede & Exhibition (Morris MB)
[Thurs-July 31] Edmonton Klondike Days
[Fri] “Catwoman” and “The Bourne Supremacy” open in movie theaters
[Sat] Cousins Day
[Sun] 2004 Baseball Hall of Fame Induction
[Sun] Parents Day

THIS WEEK IS . . .
Backwards Masking Awareness Week
Captive Nations Week
Lyme Disease Awareness Week
Avoid Boredom Week
Space Week
Independent Retailers Week

BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
• How many kids actually ‘run away’? Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say ‘walk away’?
• How do you take the price tag off a gift certificate?
• If nothing you are wearing matches, isn’t that ‘co-ordinated’?
• Can you daydream at night?

BS REASONS TO STOP MOWING YOUR LAWN:
• An estimated 60,000 fingers, thumbs, hands and forearms are injured by lawn mowers and weed trimmers each year.
• Several studies, including 2 from Harvard University, show that grass is even more necessary than the Amazon rain forest in oxygenating the planet.
• Allowing land to rest under a carpet of high grasses permits trace minerals and elements to accumulate in the soil for future generations who might want to bulldoze your house and try their hand at farming.
• Experts say that if it’s left un-mowed, the average lawn will quickly be overrun with 47 different native plants and weeds – also known as ‘potent medicinal herbs’ – that you can use to maintain optimal health without involving a doctor or using health insurance.
• Manicured lawns are sucking up prodigious amounts of the world’s supply of freshwater while farmers and children in Asia and Africa do without. If you want THAT blood on your hands, go ahead and crank up the ol’ lawn tractor!
– “The Laz-E-Boy Digest”

BS PHONE STARTER:
What’s the best album ever? (A “Daily Telegraph” newspaper poll has voted Pink Floyd’s classic “Dark Side of the Moon” the ‘Best Album of All Time’ and John Lennon’s “Imagine” the ‘Best Song Ever’.)

BS BLATANT JOKES:
• Respect thy elders … even when they drool on you.
• I speak from experience: If you ever wonder if you should get gas … get gas.
• You can tell a mediator has done his job when both sides hate him.
• When you go on a diet with your spouse, you’re just creating one more way to cheat.
• I don’t have any interests. They’re too expensive.

BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: About 22% of men have one of THESE.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: A mustache.

BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Paper is pretty cheap … unless you’re a tree.