Monday, July 14, 2003 Edition: #2578
Zee Bull Is Back!
TACKY TABLOID BS:
• 40-year-old movie actor (and perhaps part-time chef) Johnny Depp tells “Extra” he concocted his character for “Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl” by mixing Rolling Stone guitarist Keith Richards with a smidgen of cartoon skunk ‘Pepe Le Pew’, then stirring in some Rastafarian influence. Voila – it’s ‘Jack Sparrow’! (We always knew Depp was baked.)
• “Daily Dish” reports that 21-year-old “Spider-Man” actress Kirsten Dunst & hunky 22-year-old actor Jake Gyllenhaal are set to wed before the end of the year. They’ve reportedly exchanged jewelry which she wears on her right hand index finger, while his decorates his right pinky finger. They call them ‘Togetherness Rings’. (Awww shucks, ain’t it cute?)
• If you believe “National Enquirer”, Martha Stewart is so stressed out over her mounting legal woes that she’s overeating and drinking – and her weight has ballooned to an all-time high of 250 lbs! (Is that a GOOD thing?)
• “Daily Star” reports that Cameron Diaz is desperately trying to buy the rights to topless pics taken of her before she was famous. Photographer John Rutter says he will release the pics and video of the then-struggling model in ‘provocative poses’ if she doesn’t buy them from him first. (Like every other star who took their clothes off, we’re sure she really needed the money and thought the photos were ‘in good taste’.) “Star” also says Cameron’s bf Justin Timberlake is writing a song about her and wants her to sing back-up vocals & appear in the video with him. A blabbermouth ‘friend’ says Cameron likes the idea but she’s not sure it would be a good career move. (In other words, he needs her more than she needs him!)
• Britney Spears has completely ditched the girl-next-door image claims “Everywhere” tabloid. In a photoshoot for “W” magazine, she sports a blond wig and sexy lingerie that shows ample cleavage. (She’s trying to drum up publicity for her upcoming album the old fashioned way!)
• UK’s “Sun” tabloid reports that Victoria Beckham has turned to her former Spice Girls manager to help save her solo singing career. Simon Fuller (creator of “American Idol”) has reportedly promised to make her a big singing star again AND get her a high-profile job on US TV – a market she is desperate to crack. By the way, it was Fuller who introduced Victoria to British soccer superstar and future hubby David Beckham back in 1997.
• “E! Online” reports that country stars Alabama have already grossed a whopping $15 million at the box office before their 40-city ‘Farewell Tour’ has even hit its stride. The tour continues through to mid-NOVEMBER. (Should be called the ‘Pension Supplement Tour’.)
• And thanks to “Weekly World News”, we find out that “35 Helpless Americans Are Buried Alive Every Day!”, “Feminists Want Robots to Replace Men!”, “Whaling Captain Sued for Shooting Harpoon at Fat Gal!”, “AIDS Terror Driving Vampires to Brink of Extinction!”, and “Discovery of 2,000-year-old Celtic Graffiti Reveals the Irish Built the Great Wall of China!”.
NO SEX MAKES YOU A STIFFY:
A study published in the “British Medical Journal” has found that men who have intercourse frequently are 50% less likely to die prematurely than are those who have sex less than once a month. (I told ya my wife was killing me!)
MOM WAS RIGHT:
A report from Children’s Hospital in Boston concludes that people who eat breakfast every morning are less likely to be overweight or show signs of diabetes than those who skip breakfast. The researchers suspect that people who have a good breakfast are less likely to snack during the day and may actually consume fewer calories overall. (So go ahead – have another doughnut, porky.)
GREEN IS GOOD:
Marketing research shows that health conscious consumers are likely to think that any food, from cookies to cheese, is probably good for them as long as it comes in green packaging. People aged 18 to 34 are especially likely to link green to images of health, ecology, and nature. (Is that the reason they can actually sell green bacon in the discount bin?)
YOUNG GENIUS:
A new study claims that geniuses do their best work in their 30s. By studying the biographies of prominent scientists, a researcher with the University of Canterbury in New Zealand found that most of them made their key discovery before their mid-30s. What happens after that? Well, it’s all downhill. (The movie about his life is going to be called “A Reasonably Attractive Mind”.)
TINKLE TREATMENT:
According to “Natural Health” magazine, a sure cure for summer sunburn is – your own urine! Yup, a mixture of pee and olive oil applied overnight is said to sooth pain, reduce redness and prevent peeling. And, they say, there’s no odor. (To sum up – Sunburn? Piss on it!)
ANOTHER FAD DIET:
The new ‘Portfolio Diet’ is a vegetarian diet that emphasizes soy, plant sterols (natural substances found in all plant foods) and fiber. It includes yummy roughage such as oats, barley, legumes, eggplant, okra, soy & almonds. A recent study from the University of Toronto suggests the diet lowers levels of LDL cholesterol (bad cholesterol) by as much as a third without affecting HDL levels (good cholesterol). Study participants found the foods very filling, and many stayed on the diet after the study was complete. (Some even developed delicious recipes for tree bark.)
SLIMY FORECASTER:
Back in 1851, a British scientist put a leech in a bottle and came up with the following storm warning system:
• If the leech stays in the bottle’s neck, rain is coming.
• If it’s in continual movement, thunder & lightning are coming.
• If it moves rapidly about, expect strong winds.
• If it forms a hook, clear & cool weather is coming
(If it lays still at the bottom of the bottle, it’s time to get a new leech!)
BS AMAZING FACT:
In Laos distance is measured in terms of the time it takes to cook rice. (“Go up this road 2 Uncle Ben’s and then make a right.”)
THE BULL SHEET 07.14.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1913 [90] Gerald Ford, Omaha NE, accident-prone 38th US President (1974-77)/1st non-elected US Vice President & President
1966 [37] Ellen Reid, Selkirk MB, classic rock keyboardist/singer (Crash Test Dummies-“Um Um Um Um”, “The Ballad Of Peter Pumpkinhead”)
1975 [28] Taboo (Nawasha), LA CA, hip-hop musician/MC/dancer (Black Eyed Peas-“Where Is The Love?”) FACTOID: The group‘s now touring with Justin Timberlake & Christina Aguilera.
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
[Newfoundland & Labrador] “Orangemen’s Day”
TODAY is “Bastille Day”, the national holiday of France that commemorates the beginning of the French Revolution in 1789 when patriots stormed the Bastille prison. (A good day to sneer at that unused Lady Schick razor as you admire your armpit dreadlocks.)
TODAY is “National Nude Day”, the climax of “Nude Recreation Week” (hey, your outfit’s wrinkled!). If you dream about being naked in a public place, don’t worry. According to research from the American School of Metaphysics, being naked in a dream is quite normal and actually very common. (But if you’re naked and livestock is involved – that’s different.)
TODAY is officially “International Town Crier’s Day”, recognizing the ancient & honorable art of town crying. (“8 o’clock and all’s well!)
TOMORROW is “St Swithun’s Day” in honor of an obscure British bishop who was buried in the rain in 971 AD. That spectacular feat led to the belief that if it rains on this day, it will rain for 40 more. And if it’s fair, there’ll be no rain for 40 days. Canada actually has a ‘National St Swithun’s Day Society’, founded in 1974.
PHONER: 905-883-0984 (Norman McMullen-Richmond Hill ON)
THIS MONTH is the 4th annual “Appreciate A Geezer Month”, when we’re asked to appreciate seniors instead of relegating them to the trash heap of life. ‘The Geezer Brigade’ notes that geezers not only have most of the money but “are having greater sex than anyone ever suspected!”. The group has selected Jack Nicholson as ‘Geezer of the Year’ for 2003.
NET: http://www.thegeezerbrigade.com
ON THIS DAY . . .
1992 [11] Demi Moore appears on “Vanity Fair” cover wearing nothing but a painted-on birthday suit
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1868 [135] 1st ‘tape measure’, patented by Alvin J Fellows (CT)
1990 [13] Prince Edward Island’s ‘Fast Eddy’ McDonald completes record 8,437 loops with a yo-yo in 1 hour
1990 [13] World’s largest cherry pie weighs in at 37,740 lbs and is served up from a 20-foot diameter pan (Oliver BC)
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Tues] 74th Major League Baseball All-Star Game
[Tues] Respect Canada Day
[Fri] Cow Appreciation Day
[Sun] National Ice Cream Day
This Week Is . . . Mosquito Week / National Therapeutic Recreation Week
This Month Is . . . Doghouse Repairs Month / Unassisted Homebirth Month
BULL’S BITS . . .
MORE BS QUESTIONS PLAGUING HUMANITY:
• Where do forest rangers go to ‘get away from it all’?
• If a chicken coop had 4 doors, would it be a ‘chicken sedan’?
• Sooner or later doesn’t EVERYONE stop smoking?
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
• Wouldn’t it be great to be able to forgive each other as quickly and effortlessly as children?
BS ‘SFX THEATER’:
You tell the story while a studio guest or listener on the phone provides corresponding SFX any way they can. Today’s story is called “Back From Summer Vacation” –
To make it back home from summer vacation, the family drove 15 hours on the busy highway with the kids yelling in the back seat the whole way [SFX]. As they pulled into their driveway, Pop sighed as he noticed newspapers had blown all over the front yard [SFX]. Mom was quick to point out Pop had forgotten to cancel delivery [SFX]. Pop sighed [SFX]. The kids quickly opened the van doors [SFX] and ran off to find their friends [SFX] leaving poor exhausted Pop to heave all the luggage off the roof rack [SFX] while he muttered under his breath [SFX]. Mom opened the front door [SFX] and immediately noticed a dripping sound [SFX]. “We’ve got a flood in the basement!”, she yelled as the family dog Marvin began happily howling [SFX], bounded down the stairs [SFX] and splashed into the new indoor pool [SFX]. Meantime, Pop noticed the answering machine blinking and punched the review button [SFX]. The first call was from a telemarketer [SFX]. The second call was the boss telling Pop he wanted to see him first thing Monday morning [SFX]. “And don’t forget your security pass,” the boss added. Pop sighed [SFX]. “Man,” he said. “Do I ever need a break!”
BS ‘CASTING CALL’:
You give the 3 movie co-stars, your contestant tries to name the movie they were all in –
• Leonardo DiCaprio, Tom Hanks & Christopher Walken [“Catch Me If You Can” (2002)]
• Albert Brooks, Ellen DeGeneres & Willem Dafoe [“Finding Nemo” (2003)]
• John Goodman, Billy Crystal & Bonnie Hunt [“Monsters Inc” (2001)]
• Jim Carrey, Morgan Freeman & Jennifer Aniston [“Bruce Almighty” (2003)]
• Adam Sandler, Jack Nicholson & Marisa Tomei [“Anger Management” (2003)]
• Steve Martin, Queen Latifah & Eugene Levy [“Bringing Down the House” (2003)]
• Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner & Colin Farrell [“Daredevil” (2003)]
• George Clooney, Bernie Mac & Brad Pitt [“Ocean’s Eleven” (2001)]
• Mark Wahlberg, Charlize Theron & Donald Sutherland [“The Italian Job” (2003)]
• Michael Douglas, Catherine Zeta-Jones & Benicio Del Toro [“Traffic” (2000)]
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: “Men’s Health” magazine says THIS is the area of your body that has the most bacteria.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The spaces between your toes.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
Insanity is hereditary … you get it from your kids.
WELCOME NEW BS-ERS!
A tip of Da Bull’s horns to this week’s “BS” samplers that include Gordie James @ WLLD St Petersburg FL, Tony Santos @ KWNN Stockton CA, Joe Huser @ KONI Kihei HI, Art Fernandez @ KDLK Del Rio TX, Criss Hawn @ KLQL Luvern MN, Chris Brewer @ KJOT Boise ID, Sharon Wilson @ KNFX Bryan TX, and Brian Jones @ WXIZ Waverly OH.
