Thursday, July 3, 2003 Edition: #2576
Finally, Some BS You Look Forward To In the Morning!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Speculation is 32-year-old model Rachel Hunter dropped her $50-million divorce proceedings against 57-year-old wrinkle rocker Rod Stewart after just 3 days because they quietly settled out of court, which Rod apparently celebrated by buying himself a new $250,000 Bentley . . . “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle” star Drew Barrymore is said to be ‘heartbroken’ after losing a diamond & platinum bracelet given to her by her boyfriend, Strokes’ drummer Fabrizio Morreti, and with good reason – it’s worth a staggering $68,800! . . . Justin Timberlake has reportedly told his ex-girl Britney Spears he’s ‘too busy’ to record a planned duet as a bonus track for her upcoming album (and how is Cameron anyway?).
MOVIES GETTING MADE:
The now-shooting final installment in the “Star Wars” series will see Peter Mayhew reprise his role as hairy ‘Chewbacca’, a part he hasn’t played since “Return Of The Jedi” 20 years ago in 1983 . . . Christian Slater will play supernatural detective ‘Edward Carnby’ in “Alone in the Dark”, a bigscreen adaptation of the Atari video game . . . “SFX” magazine reports that Brad Pitt is in discussions to play superhero ‘Captain America’ in a 3-film trilogy . . . Pitt, who is currently playing ‘Achilles’ in the movie “Troy”, is reportedly refusing to wear sandals because he thinks his feet are ugly, and has even banned other cast members on the set from looking at them! . . . Meg Ryan will play a divorce lawyer with marriage troubles in the upcoming romantic comedy “Wedlock” . . . And John Travolta is being considered as the romantic interest for Renee Zellweger in the “Bridget Jones’s Diary” sequel, “The Edge Of Reason”.
FROM THE BS POLL VAULT:
• 8% of us use a foot instead of a hand to flush the handle when using a public washroom.
Source: Kimberly-Clark poll.
• 17% of men & 9% of women admit they’ve kept dating people past their ‘expiration date’ just so they could have sex on a regular basis.
Source: Matchmaker.com survey.
• The average kid now has a first ‘crush’ at the age of 9-and-a-half.
Source: American Consumer Opinion.
• 42% of survey respondents say Ben Affleck & Jennifer Lopez are the celebrity couple most likely to break up next.
Source: Jose Cuervo Tequila poll.
CHANGING WOMBS:
Swedish scientist Mats Brannstrom says within 3 years the first human baby could be born from – a transplanted womb. Thousands of women of childbearing age have perfectly good ovaries but no womb due to various medical emergencies. Until now, there was no prospect they’d ever bear children, but Brannstrom says it looks feasible that transplant operations will soon become a reality. One of the best donor candidates would be the patient’s own mother, raising the prospect of carrying your children in the same womb that carried you. If that’s not weird enough, he also says it may be technically possible to one day transplant a womb into a man, and use hormone injections to allow a pregnancy. (Aren’t there already enough fat guys?)
LET’S PLAY DRESS UP:
THIS MONTH weddingchannel.com is offering a new service whereby women can create a ‘virtual model’ of themselves online and try on some 20 different bridesmaid outfits to see how they look. The ‘My Virtual Model’ program is sponsored by “Weddingbells” magazine, which is also featuring the gowns in its new issue. Part of the idea is to help bridesmaids who live in different cities to consult with the bride about styles and colors. (What’s the point? You’re gonna end up wearing that ugly fuchsia thing anyway, then store it in your closet for 30 years.)
SO HOW DO YOU LIKE IT?
Marc Plaisted of Duluth MN got so fed up with receiving telemarketing calls from Minnesota Auto Glass he decided to get revenge – by calling the company every 5 minutes for 2 days, a total of over 100 times. And it worked! A spokesman for the company says Plaisted’s number has now been removed from its list and proof of the removal will be put in writing.
NOW HE’S GOT A HONEY JONES:
A Chinese man claims he has overcome drug addiction – by letting bees sting him every time he feels the need to get high. “Tianfu Morning Post” says the 30-year-old had been addicted since leaving school 10 years ago. After several rehab programs failed, he read a magazine article that touted bee stings as a cure and it apparently worked. By the way, he how works as a beekeeper! (Studies show a concrete block to the toe also works and is less painful.)
A TASTE OF JAIL:
Chunks of concrete from Alcatraz, the famous island prison that housed the likes of Al Capone, have gone on sale for $5 apiece. The US National Park Service, which runs the popular San Francisco tourist attraction, is selling the cement to raise money for renovations and hopes to rake in $35,000 a year. Despite its fame, Alcatraz was an active penitentiary for only 29 years, closing in 1963. (Only problem with the Alcatraz souvenirs is they’re all covered in bird poop.)
GONE IN 48 HOURS:
NEXT MONTH disposable, self-destructing DVDs will hit the market and begin showing up in video stores. You buy a movie on DVD, then 48 hours after you’ve exposed it to air, it destroys itself. (Some say this new technology arrived about 3 Kevin Costner movies too late.)
CAT CARDIGAN:
Instead of complaining about your pet shedding on you, why not turn its fur into a sweater? Customspinning.com will make your ‘chiengora’ sweater to order. You provide the pet hair, they provide the loom. Hey, most people start to look like their pets anyway. (Nothing says I love my cat like a cat hair coat!)
PERRIER FOR POOCHES:
A pair of California entrepreneurs have developed vitamin-enriched water – for dogs. ‘K9 Vita Water’ comes in 4 flavors: chicken, beef, liver & lamb that are labelled ‘Hose Water’, ‘Gutter Water’, ‘Puddle Water’ and ‘Toilet Water’. Inventors Susan Goldberg & Don Magier say that’s because those are the 4 types of water dogs like to drink. Keeping your pooch pampered with bottled water will set you back 3 bucks a bottle. (Like we’re not stupid enough paying for designer water for ourselves.)
SAVING SEEDS:
Men having fertility treatment may soon be able to have their sperm dried so they can store it at home using a new method being developed in Saudi Arabia. (“Mom, this marmalade from the back of the fridge tastes gross!”)
BS AMAZING FACTS:
• The new Braille edition of “Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix” entails 13 volumes that stand more than a foot high!
• It was the Romans who made the first ‘popsicle’. They took some ice, added flavor to it, then licked it!
THE BULL SHEET 07.03.2K2
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1943 [60] Kurtwood Smith, New Lisbon WI, TV actor (Red Forman-“That ’70s Show” since 1998)
1947 [56] Dave Barry, Armonk NY, Pulitzer Prize-winning syndicated humor columnist (“Miami Herald”)/author (“Dave Barry’s Complete Guide to Guys”)
1956 [47] Montel Williams, Baltimore MD, TV gabfest host (“The Montel Williams Show” since 1991) who refuses to quit working even though he suffers from MS
1958 [45] Aaron Tippin, Pensacola FL, country singer (“There Ain’t Nothin’ Wrong With the Radio”, “Kiss This”)
1962 [41] Tom Cruise (Thomas Mapother IV ), Syracuse NY, movie star (“Minority Report”, “Jerry Maguire”, “Mission Impossible 1 & 2″)/ex-Mr Nicole Kidman/Penelope Cruz escort NEXT MOVIES: The 1870s action adventure “The Last Samurai” opening DECEMBER 5th, then “Mission Impossible 3″ coming in 2004.
1969 [34] Kevin Hearn, Grimsby ON, pop/rock musician (Barenaked Ladies-“One Week”, “Jane”) FACTOID: In 1998, he was diagnosed with leukemia which he overcame.
1991 [12] Grant Rosenmeyer, NYC, TV actor (Oliver David Beene-new FOX-TV sitcom “Oliver Beene”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “Compliment Your Mirror Day”. Participation consists of complimenting your mirror on having such a wonderful owner and keeping track of whether other mirrors you meet during the day smile at you. (This is much more fun if you have a prescription for medicinal marijuana.)
TODAY through August 15th are the “Dog Days of Summer”, traditionally the hottest time of the year in the Northern Hemisphere. The name comes from the ancients, who would sacrifice a brown dog at this time to appease Sirius, the Dog Star, believing that star was the cause of the hot, sultry weather. “Air Conditioning Appreciation Days” run simultaneously to celebrate the contribution of AC to a better way of life (and a really high electricity bill). TODAY is also “Stay Out of the Sun Day” (unless you’re working on a melanoma collection).
SATURDAY the 8th annual “Redneck Games” get to it in East Dublin GA, where the self-proclaimed local white trash congregate to celebrate and embrace their collective identity.
It started as a sideshow to the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, but now entails competition in everything from ‘Dumpster Diving’ and ‘Mud Pit Belly Flopping’ to ‘Seed Spitting’ and the gruesome ‘Bobbing For Pigs’ Feet’. The lowlight is the ‘Armpit Serenade’. In the past, contestants have been disqualified after they tested positive for teeth. This is a radio promotion, so you’re guaranteed a great phoner.
PHONER: 800-688-0096/478-272-4422 (Y96 [WQZY])
NET: http://www.wqzy.com/redneck.html
TODAY’S FIRSTS . . .
1608 [395] Québec City founded by Samuel de Champlain
1806 [197] 1st ‘cultivated strawberries’ (before that, only found in the wild)
1884 [119] 1st ‘Dow Jones’ average published (was it ‘1′?)
1928 [75] 1st ‘television’ goes on sale (not many takers at a then-sky high price of $75)
TODAY’S RECORDS . . .
1926 [77] PM Arthur Meighen’s government is defeated in vote of non-confidence just 3 DAYS after it’s sworn in, tying record for shortest term of any Canadian government
1988 [15] Rocky Kenover sets world record by skydiving 403 TIMES within 24 hours, averaging 1 jump every 3 minutes using 7 airplanes, 10 pilots and 50 parachute packers
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Fri] Independence Day (USA)
[Sat] Workaholics Day
[Sun] Running of the Bulls begins (Pamplona SPA)
[Mon] Father-Daughter Take a Walk Together Day
[Tues] “American Idol” summer tour begins (St Paul MN)
[Wed] Intern Appreciation Day
This Week Is . . . Prevention of Eye Injuries Awareness Week (“Put that stick down!”)
This Month Is . . . Cell Phone Courtesy Month (Rule #1. Shut-up!)
BULL’S BITS . . .
SPEAKING CANAJUN:
Contestant must use the 3 purely Canadian terms in a single cohesive sentence that makes sense.
GAME #1 –
• 5-pin bowling, Montréal Smoked Meat and toque.
GAME # 2 –
• Nanaimo bars, peameal bacon and Tim Bits.
GAME #3 –
• Smarties, ice wine and Maclean’s magazine.
GAME #4 –
• Lloyd Robertson, the Group of Seven and poutine.
(Bonus items: Caramilk, Joe Louis snacks, Coach’s Corner, Roots, the Ex.)
BS SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR’S FIREWORKS DISPLAY WAS REALLY LAME LAST YEAR:
• His nickname ever since – ‘Three-Fingered Lou’.
• Before the big show, he handed out ‘nostril flares’ to the kids.
• His all-inclusive home display kit was endorsed by Wile E Coyote.
• Insisted on humming “Mission: Impossible” theme every time he lit a fuse.
• Just for kicks, he stuck a roman candle in his empty eye socket and chased the kids around.
• His grand finale involved the “1812 Overture”, a can of pork & beans and a Bic lighter.
BS BLATANT JOKES:
• In “Legally Blonde 2″, ‘Elle’ tries to stop product testing on animals in the cosmetics industry. Why would they wanna try lipstick on a Chihuahua, anyway?
• Until you learn to water ski, you never know what it’s like to do a belly flop at 40 mph.
• You know you’ve reached your fitness goal when you’re strong enough to pick up your exercise equipment and throw it out the window.
• Can you believe this day? Cold, damp, windy … and it’s even worse outside!
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Most guys have one, but over two-thirds never use it.
Answer to Give Out Next Show: The hole in the front of men’s underwear.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
May you live every day of your life.
