Wednesday, July 2, 2003 Edition: #2575
Ahhhhh! It’s Your Daily Constitutional Sheet!
BS SHOW BIZ BUZZ:
Thanks to their tune “Everybody’s Working For The Weekend” being featured in “Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle”, Vancouver dinosaur rockers Loverboy will tour THIS SUMMER promoting their new live hits compilation “Live, Loud & Loose (1982-1986)” . . . Word is Russell Crowe & wife Danielle Spencer have fled their $11.2 million harborfront Sydney apartment and bought a modest secret hideaway in order to gain some privacy (their high profile address has become such a tourist attraction, ferry boats toot as they pass by) . . . 38-year-old “Matrix Reloaded” star Keanu Reeves has spent $4.8 million converting an LA mansion into a custom-built hospital for his 37-year-old dying sister Kim, who’ll be tended 24/7 by top physicians . . . “T-3” star Arnold Schwarzenegger say that at age 55, he’s 30 years too young to date Anna Nicole Smith but 30 years too old to date Demi Moore (wife Maria Shriver says if you date either of them, you won’t live 30 minutes) . . . Here’s a couple cases of ‘meet the folks’ – 22-year-old Justin Timberlake has reportedly taken 30-year-old gf Cameron Diaz home to Memphis TN to meet mom, and “Us Weekly” reports 34-year-old actress Renee Zellweger stopped off for several days in Detroit to meet the family of 27-year-old White Stripes rocker Jack White (any further proof needed that things are getting serious?) . . . MTV refused to air Christina Aguilera’s new video “Can’t Keep Us Down” until it was toned down, including editing a scene where she plays with a water hose (shocking – we didn’t know MTV still aired ANY videos) . . . There’s no announced date yet, but the wardrobe is set – Aussie pop pixie Kylie Minogue will marry her French actor beau Olivier Martinez wearing a $128,000 white Chanel dress . . . And video gamers will be excited to know there’s a secret code in the movie “The Hulk” in a scene right before the green guy’s first appearance, which if entered in the “Hulk” video game, will turn the big guy his original shade of grey (oh the heart-stopping excitement!).
TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:
Opening TODAY to take advantage of the 4th of July weekend – Reese Witherspoon returns in the comedy sequel “Legally Blonde 2: Red, White & Blonde” which sees her character ‘Elle’ become an animal rights campaigner in Washington DC (she wears a variety of pink outfits & had 63 pairs of leather-free shoes specially made) . . . Word is Arnold Schwarzenegger was paid $30 million to come back for the sci-fi thriller sequel “T3: Rise Of The Machines” in which ‘T-800′ is sent back through time once again to protect an 18-year-old ‘John Connor’ who’s now being stalked by a Terminatrix called ‘T-X’ . . . Dreamworks’ animated family adventure “Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas” is notable for its voice work by superstars, including Brad Pitt, Catherine Zeta-Jones & Michelle Pfeiffer.
• ‘Bullwords’ – Words and terms used to deliberately fuzzify a statement or report. 350 of the most annoying have been collected by Deloitte Consulting to trigger its new software program ‘Bullfighter’, which is designed to de-mystify business documents. See if you can identify what some of them mean by taking the ‘Bullfighter Challenge’ –
• ‘HD Radio’ – The moniker that will be used for the hi-tech new digital radios when they hit the market later THIS SUMMER, stolen from their broadcasting cousin HDTV or High Definition Television.
• ‘Chronophagia’ [craw-no-FAY-jhah] – A newly-coined term for time wasted on-the-job. (Those meetings first thing each morning aren’t accomplishing anything except chronophagia.”)
YOU NEVER HAVE TO LICK A STAMP:
The 83-island South Pacific nation of Vanuatu is opening the world’s first ‘underwater post office’. Tourists will be able to buy special waterproof postcards on dry land, then scuba dive 3 meters (10 ft) down off Hideaway Island to have them embossed with a waterproof stamp. Four dive-accredited postal workers will operate the fiberglass postal outlet. (Before going berserk and killing each other off with spear guns.)
IT’S HULK 2!
More than 100 sightings of the Chinese version of ‘Bigfoot’ have been reported in a central China nature reserve. Most recently, 6 people traveling in a Jeep claim to have seen it moving quickly away from a road. They describe the ape-like animal as 5-and-a-half feet tall with shoulder-length black hair. Freshly broken branches were reportedly found, along with footprints 11-inches-long and a 3-meter (10-ft) patch of – ‘foul-smelling urine-like liquid’. (We’re guessing some guy had to make an emergency stop on the way home from a rice wine bar.)
THE BIRDS & THE BUGS:
The UK’s Royal Society for the Protection of Birds (RSPB) is hoping up to 200,000 volunteers will participate in a survey of Britain’s insect population. The group is concerned that bugs are in short supply, meaning less food for the many varieties of birds that eat them. So they’re hoping to get an accurate bug count through the use of ‘Splatometers’, basically squares of flypaper that attach to vehicle windshields, trapping bugs as they crash into the glass. Motorists will then be asked to send in the bug-filled sticky paper for analysis. (Wait a sec, they’re worried about a lack of bugs? Geez, can we export?)
Venus & Serena Williams’ dad Richard says his kids had to beg him to come to Wimbledon to watch them because he’s preoccupied with his latest project – a film which will be titled “The Prophet and Would-Be King”. In typically modest fashion he describes it as – ‘all about me’. (Hey, don’t forget where you got the money for it, pop.)
YOUR DATA’S BURNT:
For some unknown reason, Nashville TN network administrator Adam Bertram has turned his kitchen toaster into a computer. The former 4-slice appliance now features numerous PC capabilities including accessing the Internet and playing DVDs. The ‘toast-puter’ is his first attempt at building a computer and he says he may attempt to market an improved version of his creation. (Another invention that’s right up there with the cell phone steam iron.)
THANKS FOR THE ADVICE:
The National Council on Fireworks Safety has issued a list of tips that include: Use fireworks outdoors only. Never relight a dud firework; wait 15-20 minutes and then soak it in a bucket of water. And – never carry fireworks in your pocket.
IT’S A WACKED WORLD:
• A German man in the town of Harrislee called the cops to complain about the incessant barking of his neighbor’s German shepherd, but police say there’s no way the neighbor will have his dog taken away. Seems a speaker was discovered hidden in a garden hedge that was attached to a cable leading into the complainer’s house. He’d been piping out barking SFX to aggravate the dog just so he could report it!
• Austria’s mental health society has produced a special CD for the treatment of depression. The 20-minute program is a compilation of ‘infectious laughter and motivation-boosting statements by celebrities’. (Schwarzenegger saying “You’ll be back! Hahahahahha, yeah, sure you will.”)
• A Finnish woman has received a suspended 14-month sentence for attacking a friend. Well, it’s not like she didn’t have good reason – her husband was making love to the friend in a car when he unknowingly activated his mobile phone. The wife overheard the action and recognized the voices. She not only put some hurt on her former friend, she attacked her husband with an ax. Not surprisingly, the couple is now divorced. (Now THAT’S cell phone ‘roaming’.)
• German police have charged a 36-year-old motorcyclist who crashed into a tree – while wearing only a scarf, sunglasses & sandals. Seems he’s a nudist and was driving to a naturist resort when he lost control after a bee stung him. The charge? Failing to wear a crash helmet.
THE BULL SHEET 07.02.2K3
TODAY’S CELEBIRTHDAYS . . .
1937  ‘King’ Richard Petty, Level Cross NC, NASCAR racing legend (7-time Daytona 500 winner) who retired after 1992 season/son of Lee Petty and father of Kyle Petty
1956  Jerry Hall, Mesquite TX, sometime model/ex-Mrs Mick Jagger
1983  Michelle Branch, Flagstaff AZ, pop singer (“Are You Happy Now?”, w/Santana-“The Game of Love”)
BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .
TODAY is “I Forgot Day”, set aside to make up for all the birthdays, anniversaries and other special occasions that you forgot to acknowledge over the past year. (What’s the lamest excuse anyone ever laid on you?)
TODAY at 12 noon the year 2003 is half over. 182.5 days of the year will have elapsed and 182.5 will remain before January 1, 2004.
TODAY is “Be Nice to People You Don’t Like Day”. (Cripes, I do that every morning when I come in here!)
WEIRD 4TH OF JULY FESTIVALS:
• “International Cherry Pit Spitting Contest”, Eau Claire MI (616-782-7101)
• “13th Annual Sidewalk Egg-Frying Challenge”, Oatman AZ (520-768-6222)
• “World’s Greatest Lizard Race”, Lovington NM (505-396-5311)
TODAY’S ODDBALL EVENTS . . .
1843  Alligator reportedly falls from sky during a Charleston SC thunderstorm (yeah right, what a ‘croc’!)
1947  ‘Roswell Incident’ as unidentified object crashes near Roswell NM which US Air Force claims is just a ‘weather balloon’ (over a half-century later, the debate continues)
1982  Using a lawn chair hoisted by 42 helium-filled weather balloons, Larry Walters slowly rises 16,000 feet over San Pedro CA (the next day, residents of Roswell NM report another UFO)
1984  Last person to go over Niagara Falls in a standard 55-gallon barrel is 35-year-old Karel Soucek of Hamilton ON who suffers only minor scrapes (daredevils are now usually arrested before they get to the brink of the falls)
TODAY’S RECORD . . .
1988  New distance record for Frisbee toss set at 623.6 feet
AND REMEMBER . . .
[Thurs] Compliment Your Mirror Day
[Fri] National Country Music Day
[Sat] Tour de France begins
[Sun] Fried Chicken Day
[Mon] Carricom Day (aka Caribbean Day)
[Tues] Video Games Day
This Week Is . . . Canned Luncheon Meat Week (yum, have some of that clear jelly on toast!)
This Month Is . . . Baked Bean Month (whoa, pardon me!)
BULL’S BITS . . .
• Aries – It’s time for a heart-to-heart talk with a friend. Unfortunately, all either of you will hear is ka-flum, ka-flum, ka-flum … and maybe the odd murmur.
• Taurus – Expect to be more in demand than usual today. Jenny Craig is looking for ‘before’ people to appear in diet ads.
• Gemini – That rash should clear up soon, Jennifer. Oh stop worrying … we won’t tell anyone!
• Cancer – Today inspiration will strike you … and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
• Leo – Your cat tying a rock around its neck and jumping into the aquarium may be a sign that a professional singing career may not be in your future.
• Virgo – Never act in anger. Remember that revenge is a dish best served cold … with some chopped shallots and a light bearnaise sauce.
• Libra – Today you will discover a lot of money under your pillow! Unfortunately, it won’t begin to cover the cost of dentures that you will also discover a sudden need for.
• Scorpio – The stars show that it’s a good time for you to seize the day. Once you seize it, give it a good shake … just to show you mean business!
• Sagittarius – Today’s a good day to go joy-riding. Tomorrow’s a good day to visit Joy in the hospital.
• Capricorn – Try to praise in public and criticize in private. But remember to never, ever criticize privates.
• Aquarius – Time to do something about that high blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?
• Pisces – It’s difficult to get your boss to hear your ideas. Often you can get people to pay attention by simply adding a few words to the end of your thought, such as ‘Pick up your socks, dear’ or ‘Hello in there? I’m locked and loaded!’.
2 of the following are actual recent tabloid headlines, one a fake. But which?
GAME #1 –
• “Amazing Clown Fish Swims Upstream – From Ocean to Toilet!” [FAKE]
• “New Vitamin Cigarettes Will Add Years to Your Life!”
• “Overweight Jungle Army’s Sick Diet: Low Fat Pygmies!”
GAME #2 –
• “Bat Spit Prevents Strokes!”
• “Lose Weight by Drinking Sweat!” [FAKE]
• “Japanese Find New Power in Panda Poop!”
Q: Who declined an offer to join Larry & Moe in ‘The Three Stooges’ when Curly suffered a stroke in 1946?
A: Comedian Buddy Hackett, who just died at age 78. He most recently appeared as a guest judge on NBC-TV’s TUESDAY night reality show “Last Comic Standing”.
BS WATER COOLER QUESTION:
Today’s Question: Nutrition experts say THIS is the #1 food you can eat to boost your sex drive.
Answer to Give Out Tomorrow: Oatmeal.
BS DEEP THOUGHT:
The trouble with trouble is that it usually sounds like fun.